I hear your tears. They sound exactly like mine.

Ronan. Hi. Oy! I got through today despite my tiredness. I spent the morning, doing really important things like seeing my favorite lap dance ass shaker friend who just happens to be a hairdresser and likes to braid my hair. I then came home after seeing her and crashed out on our couch. I didn’t mean to. I had the candy cart at PCH to do, but I knew if I didn’t rest, I wouldn’t make it through the day or night. This pregnancy is leaving me so exhausted and nausea… I feel like I do when I was pregnant with Liam and Quinn. Twins? Again? I’ve thought about it. I think it would be bloody awesome. We will know for sure on September 4th when I go for my first ultrasound. I don’t care either way, just as long as everything looks good. September 4th cannot get here soon enough.

I went down to PCH today to do your candy cart. The same one, that we did for your Ronan’s Day of Love, except I wasn’t there for it. I was planning on going, today. I think a few of my board members were really worried that I wasn’t going to be o.k. I kept telling them, “I got this. I’m totally fine. I will be FINE.” I got to the hospital and started setting everything up. We blew up balloons and filled up your RoWagon with a ton of candy. I sat down, as much as possible while blowing up the balloons. I told you I am freaking tired. I can’t even be on my feet for too long. After everything was ready, we headed upstairs to the Oncology floor. Your playroom Cathy, was there to meet us. I was so glad for her friendly familiar face. She lead us around the entire time. I pulled the wagon and got to go into a lot  of the rooms. You should have seen the look on the kids’ faces. Smiles so big I swear it lit up my entire black heart. Some were shy at first, only taking a few pieces of candy. That didn’t last long, once we told them they could take as much as they wanted. I heard things like, “For real?! Is this for free?” I smiled and happily said yes.  Everyone was so kind, thankful, and it made me happy, seeing the looks on their faces. I ran into some of our old favorite nurses. It was good to see them, but hard too. They all gave me big hugs and asked how I was doing. I said what I usually always say which is, “Alright. Just alright. Always one day at a time.” I did well on the floor today. I told you, it’s the world that I am meant to live in now. It’s the only world I feel like I belong in. Thank you so much to Bonnie at PCH for being so helpful and kind. Thank you to my lovely little board members and my other two little friends who helped on the floor today, Kassie and Erin. Good souls and your spirit got me through the day, Ronan. I smiled a lot. It was only after I got into my car and ended up in a parking lot somewhere that I let the tears fall and I sobbed like a baby. Not just for you, but for all the kids on the floor today, who are going through this hell and who deserve so much better. I wish today did not have to exist, but it does and probably always will. All I can do is try my hardest to fix it and make it a little better, even if on some days it just means pushing around your little cart full of all of your favorite treats.

It’s raining now. Pouring down rain. Of course it is. I hear your tears. They sound exactly like mine.

I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo