Ronan. It’s Father’s Day. Of course it is. The holidays do not go away or stop, like I wish they would. I am sorry you have to be separated from us everyday, just not on days like Father’s Day. What makes today any different from any other day of missing you? Nothing. I don’t think we will be celebrating tomorrow. How do you celebrate with a dead child? I don’t really think that you do. It’s hard enough to watch all the other people do it around you because everything feels so confusing and lost. I don’t think we will celebrate tomorrow. I think we will get through the day, as best as we can. I think that’s good enough for me. I hate tomorrow for your daddy. I know Father’s Day will never be the same for him again. And he is the best father out there, which makes this even more cruel and inhuman. I am so sorry to you both.
I still have Macy here. She will be here until tomorrow night. Thankfully. She will make tomorrow, a little less painful and sad. She will find a way, to have us all in stitches with her effortless ways of loving us with such depth and soul, that she is capable of making me feel like I can grieve and breath all at the same time. Not many people are able to do that for me. Without the judgements that come along with all of this. Macy is not just our friend. She is our family, no questions asked. I am so very thankful, that she came into our lives when she did. I am so thankful that I got to watch you fall in love with her and she fall in love with you. I am so thankful that she has not gone away.
I did not write the following below. Rita sent it to me tonight when her ESP, told her that I was still extra sad. She of course, was right. I think I’ve read these words before. I think every single thing written below, makes perfect sense. I wish so badly, that I was only a reader and had no idea what any of the worlds below, truly meant.
By: Betty Baggott, Alabama Baptist BOD
· I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.
· If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused me tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
· I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
· I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.
· Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
· I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
· I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved parent,” but will forevermore be a “recovering bereaved parent.”
· I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone – all of which may be related to my grief.
· Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.
· It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. Please don’t tell me that God must have needed him or that he is in a better place…I needed him here and what better place is there for a child then with their parents.
· I wish you wouldn’t offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
· I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me – maybe you’ll like me still.
Everyone’s grieves differently. I think sometimes I write on here, and my anger sounds like I am judging others who may be going through something similar to me, but who are dealing with it the complete opposite as I am. I don’t mean to be judgmental or say the way someone else chooses to deal with losing a child, is wrong. The only right way to go through something like this, is your own way. I get angry a lot. I use my writing as an outlet for my anger. It that comes off as judgment, well, that is a failure on my part. Sometimes I have a hard time with my words, as my thoughts tend to get ahead of me and I may not explain them in the way that I wish they were understood. I am human and I make mistakes. I am trying to learn and grow as much as I can from this. A lot of growing pains come from losing a child. The bottom line is I have lost a child, I don’t really know who I am or what I believe in anymore, besides Ronan. I am o.k. with that because I have no doubt that I will figure it out, as long as I continue the search for what it is, that I believe he is leading me to. I am not following the lead of anybody else on this, except my heart and Ronan’s. Those two things, as of now, are good enough for me. To each their own, right? I think so. But it does upset me when I have people tell me that if I don’t believe in God, I will not see Ronan again. It makes me angry but it also makes me very sad that people out there, actually believe that. What kind of God, would be that cruel? It’s not any God I have ever known or will ever know. If you are going to say things like that to me, or whisper those words to others around you, behind my back, then I cannot have you in my life. Those words, get back to me. I hear all the whispers and they spread like wildfire. Those are not acceptable words to say or whisper about to a mother who has lost her child. Ever. So please, exit stage left. I will not tolerate such hateful words. I might judge you right now and say you should reexamine what it is, that you are whispering. That you should look deep inside yourself to see, what makes you so ugly, that you would say such things, no matter what or who you believe in. Those are ugly words.
Ronan. I am going to say goodnight now, before I start calling people motherfuckers on here. Please make tomorrow, as gentle as possible for us all. I love you so much. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I hope you are safe. G’nite little one.