Happy Fucking Holidays!


Ronan. This is all too much. The Holiday Cards are coming in the mail. I have brought myself to open the ones that have come, only they make me sick to my stomach. Which in turn, makes me feel like a bad person. But I throw up anyway. What do I expect? To I see a picture on the card of an unhappy family? To see a picture on the card with a bald baby who has cancer? To see a picture on the card, that tells the real story of what is going on in the happy families lives? To see the picture of the family like us?? No. The stories on all the holiday cards, tell the same story. Perfect story book life. Beautiful families. Glossy hair. Whiter than white teeth. Perfectly dressed. Happy. Healthy. No worries. No stress. No fighting. No tears. No 3 year old child, who died from cancer. A fairy tale. Some come with a story such as, “Our Year Summed Up in 2011.” They say things like, “Johnny graduated high school, Summa Cum Laude! He is off to Harvard next, where he plans on becoming a doctor. Susie, our oldest daughter, is engaged! The wedding will be in Hawaii, Spring 2012. Bob ran his 5th Marathon and is retiring next year. I, myself am keeping busy with all of our healthy perfect grandchildren!” No problems exist in these letters. It is the fluffiest of the fluff. I would like to hear a real story, for once. It would be, refreshing.

Maybe I will send out a holiday letter this year. I’ve never done it in the past, but there’s a first time for everything, right?? Maybe I will send out a real holiday letter with a real picture on the front of it. It will be a picture of our family. All broken and black. Sitting around your Urn, holding your GiGi and Captain Rex. We will not smile in the picture as the fakeness cannot hide what truly exists. An ocean tide of sadness, only to fall into a black abyss. What will the letter say??? This holiday letter of 2011. How do you put into words, how your world has been shattered?? As nothing else matters. Let’s start off by telling the truth. The truth of this ugly thing called cancer that took you and your little life as fast as can be. But oh no! It didn’t happen! Because cancer cannot be! It cannot exist in the lives of those so perfect and true. It cannot exist because there was you. I’ll tell this holiday story of 2011. But friends be warned, it is not going to end up with Ronan in heaven. For those of you, offended and hurt, please take a moment and stop your words. For this is my story and it is not yours to tell. Sit back, shut up, and be prepared to go to hell. Because if a hell truly does exist, it is here, it is now, it is living this life as a bereaved mommy and daddy. Not knowing what to do during this holiday season, where the Christmas carols are cruel, where the blinking lights on the decorated houses only bring tears of sadness, not of joy. Because everywhere you look, you are reminded of what is missing….. the one thing that was true. So here we go, little Holiday Card of 2011. If I had my way, we would bypass straight through this day. Fast forward but to what? You aren’t coming back. So here I sit, preparing for this season. Forgive me if I am not shouting, “Merry Christmas!” from my rooftop. I will be the one at the top, shouting, “Fuck you cancer!” instead.

The Thompson Family 2011

Our year was off to a wonderful start. We spent the first few months, with Liam and Quinn finishing up kindergarten. Woody is loving life as an attorney and being the father to 3 boys. Maya kept busy taking care of the boys and chasing after Ronan, who is more than a handful but in the best way possible as she enjoys every minute of him. We spent part of the summer in San Diego, taking a break from the Arizona heat. Maya, Liam, Quinn, and Ronan then headed back the small town, where she was raised to spend a few weeks with her family. She and the boys spent time in Washington State, swimming in rivers, picking berries, exploring caves, fishing, and enjoying nature and the simpleness of life. They returned back to Arizona as the school year was approaching. Ronan’s little left eye started to look droopy. We took him to the doctor. We took him to two Ophthalmologists. We took him to Phoenix Children’s Hospital. He had an MRI. He had a CT scan. The news was not good. We were met by an Oncologist. Your child has cancer. We went into shock. What do you mean, our child has cancer? Our perfectly healthy little boy, who has just spent the entire summer, running around as if he were the healthiest child on earth? But he was not as cancer had invaded his entire body. He not only had cancer, but Stage IV cancer and it was very aggressive. We researched our options. We started treatment. Our perfect little life, was turned upside down within minutes. Everything changed. People swooped in to help. So many beautiful people. The twins were forced into a new reality. All they had ever known was a happy, safe, loving house. It was now all taken away and Maya and Ronan spent months living in and out of the hospital. Quinn asked us, his parents….” Is Ronan going to die?” We both just looked at him, shocked. Of course not, Quinny. We have the best doctors taking care of him. He is going to be fine. We both believed this. Ronan. Have you met our Ronan, you asshole cancer? He is the toughest boy out there. He never cries over a thing. He never takes no for an answer. He is beyond strong. You don’t stand a chance. Look how well he is responding to treatment! The chemo is working! Now it’s off to New York, to get the base tumor out of him, by the BEST surgeon they say. We all spent the holidays, together in New York. It was beautiful. Ronan was getting better. Ronan was happy. We were all together and that was all that mattered. Surgery was a huge success! Ronan did great. He was up and walking around, in no time. We told you, cancer didn’t stand a chance. It was time to return back to Phoenix. Our last round of chemo, or so we thought. One more round, than scans were next. We couldn’t wait to see Ronan’s progress. Ronan made progress indeed, but it was not what we had hoped. Too much cancer was still left. The stem cell transplant that we had hoped for, was a joke. Time to make a new plan. A better one, right? Because the option of cancer winning, was not a possibility. Maya, Woody and Ronan all flew to San Francisco, Philadelphia, and then to New York. Let’s do another round of chemo, and then it’s off to the Big Apple. Where dreams come true and the city where Ronan will get better. Another round of chemo in Phoenix. Off to New York. Ronan’s leg is hurting. The cancer is getting worse. We started him on radiation, to make the pain subside. Our little brave 3-year-old, left in a cold room. Alone. 14 rounds of radiation. No sedation necessary. We would kiss his little pouty lip, give him his pistol and Captain Rex. We would leave his side while he tried to be brave but we saw the little tears as they slid down his cheeks. We watched our little boy, on the other side of the wall as the radiation would start. We talked into a microphone. “We love you, buddy. We’re so proud of you. You are brave and strong. Hold still. 10 more minutes! We love you, Ronan.” He would lay there, so stoic and still. Braver than most men, 3 times his age. We started another chemo. ICE as they called it. A mixture of poison, he had never seen before. It was sure to work. We finished the round. It wiped out his immune system. Inpatient at Sloan for 23 days. The time passed so quickly. We had a ball. Forget we were stuck in a hospital. Forget it all. Pistols were shot. Costumes were worn. Books were read. Cuddles were had. We made the best of each and everyday. We were just so thankful, to be together. Scans were next. Let’s see what this ICE can do! Dr. Brian Kushner…. is ready to speak to you. Guess what he said? He didn’t have to say it at all. His eyes told the story, of Ronan’s cancer and all. Back to Phoenix with Ronan we returned. We’re not giving up as we watched the others, walk away. There is still HOPE! He is so feisty, today! Let’s fly back to Philly! Dr. Mosse is there. She will help us and it will all be o.k. I’m so sorry, she told us… there is nothing I can do. Back to AZ, not willing to accept defeat. But now, Ronan is not getting better and all he wants to do, is sleep. Hospice is here, at my lovely house. Get those people out of here Maya says to Woody…. it is not time for him to go. Get us to San Diego, it’s time to put on a show. Before San Diego, a little stop we must make. At a place called The Ryan House, a place that is safe. Ronan is hurting, his pain is out of control. These people can help him, until we can get him better…. radiation we will start. Again.”Rub my leg, mama.” So Maya does. She spends a week, rubbing Ronan’s leg until it was too cold to rub. Lots of people came by. But for what? Not to say goodbye? Ronan is going to be fine. He’s just tired, you’ll see. Once we get him to San Diego…. he’ll start to feel better and get a fresh start. But Ronan’s not walking, eating or drinking. More Ativan is given. Keep him comfortable. Tell him all the things you want to say. Tell him how it’s time to stop fighting, it’s time to let go. His little body has had too much…. it’s time to go. His little eyes, give one last flutter. His lips are kissed, he is bathed and redressed. The gurney is here, to take him to rest. Promises are made, ones that you will keep. Or so you say. It is now something that we have to remind ourselves of, everyday. For our lives have stopped, but for others they go on. All while this peaceful earth, is without our little Ronan Sean. Birthdays come, Halloween too. Thanksgiving has passed and now at last, the biggest holiday of all. One where millions of HAPPY HOLIDAY cards, will be sent out to all. Did you get ours this year?? Oh, you did not?? I’m so sorry. It must have gotten lost. Lost in the shuffle of our new, lovely life. One that is filled with sadness and despair. Happiness exists for those to see. But have you taken a good, hard look into our eyes?? If so, you know the truth. Our eyes will never be the same, that is so easy to see. The world didn’t stop the day our baby died…. but for us it did. We are all hurting and so scared inside.

Oh, 2011… what a year, indeed! We hope next year, will be a bit better. But living life, without our Ronan seems like a sick joke. So, please forgive us if this Holiday Card comes off quite brass and rude. For this is our life and HAPPYHOLIDYSMERRYCHRISTMASLOVEJOYPEACEONEARTHHAPPYHANUKKAHFESIVUSFORTHERESTOFUS does not exist this year.

And cancer, can fuck off. But peace on earth!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Always,

The Thompson Family

Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn, and RONAN. Always Ronan.

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44 thoughts on “Happy Fucking Holidays!

  1. Michelle

    I think THIS is the Holiday card. This is your reality. Sorry folks, if it’s not what you want to see. But hey, if this bothers you….you shouldn’t have received the card in the first place. xoxo

  2. K

    This post has left me speechless and in tears…I can’t even come up with words- except,
    I will stand on my rooftop in Washington and yell FUCK YOU CANCER with you.

    Big hugs.

  3. Karen

    Ronan. ALWAYS RONAN! You words so raw and real and I am SOOOO sorry you even had to write such a letter. You should, no parent should, NEVER have to write such heartbreak….FUCK YOU CANCER!! Maya, Woody, Quinn, Liam AND RONAN…I am so so sorry! I wish I could give you a huge hug, not that it would make it all better, but just to hug you and tell you how much you are loved, how much some of us ‘get it’ and how very sorry you have to live this hell of a life without him. He is FOREVER on my mind, in my heart as well as you are. I can’t stop crying after reading this….the pain in my heart for you all which I know is NO where close to what you are feeling……fuck……=( xoxoxo

  4. J

    Fuck 2011 and fuck cancer. I know this story, but reading it again makes me picture it. A photo I have seen from here or there flashes in my mind. There are not enough I am sorry’s. I sit here with my Firedaughter sweatshirt and all 3 bracelets on. I too hope this year is a bit better, but I know there are more “new” holidays to come and anniversaries that will steal your breath away. I like your letter, because it is real. I wish more were this way. I hate all that happy blah blah blah. 2011 has been the worst year of my life, but it does not come close to yours. Children are never supposed to go before their parents. And cancer needs to fuck off. Thank you for being you.

  5. Cloakey Notes

    I wish this wasn’t your life. We all do. And yes, RONAN. Always Ronan. Don’t apologize for bringing him with you everywhere. We love you and we understand. Love and hugs and tears. XOXO

  6. Suzanne

    Maya,
    Ughhh, I hurt for you and your family. Thank you for telling it like it is. I hate brag letters too. So and so did this, and so and so married Mr. Perfect. I’ve got an Aunt that sends one every year. Even more, it bugs me when people complain about their life being hard, when they really have no idea how easy they’ve got it. My life has been rough- my Mom died of cancer when I was 15, so I do know the gross reality of this disgusting disease (seen it all). But I can NOT imagine the pain and utter loneliness you must feel from losing Ronan. There is NOTHING like that. I panic at the littlest thought of what is a parent’s worst nightmare, to lose a child. You make me want to hug my daughters even more, to tell them how much I love them even more, and how important they are to me. How stupid all of life’s everyday ups and downs are. Life is a fragile gift. I am so sorry for you and your family, and for Ronan. I wish he could be here again for you.

  7. Ali Barnes

    Lots of tears tonight. I can’t believe this has to be your reality every day. It’s the most fucked up thing and no parent should have to live this hell, especially when they love their kids as much as you love yours’. I loved your letter, for what it’s worth. I feel privileged every single day to be allowed to see into your life.
    I don’t think anyone would blame you for wanting to boycott the Holiday Season. I do hope that one day they will bring you joy again…but for now I think it’s enough that you can get out of bed in the morning and put on a smile, whether it’s fake or not.

  8. Dawn

    I so wish this was not happening. You never ever need to apologize for your feelings and what you write. You are allowed to feel this way- it is hell on earth.
    I wish we could all take the pain away- I hate it!!!!!!

  9. nancyjeffjba12345

    My holiday card and yours read just about the same and oh how it sucks. The past 2 years I put STOP CHILDHOOD CANCER stamps on my cards and most of my everyday mail. Hopefully it helps to get the word out. Holidays are so very hard. I am thinking of you and your family.
    Love,
    Nancy Annie’s Mom

  10. Nicole

    Personally I think that is an honest Christmas card. Last night I went to cvs and on the credit card screen it said donate $1 or $3 to st Jude cancer research hospital or childhood cancer. The manager didn’t even mention this. I had to ask him to donate. He handed me the paper to write my name on. I wrote Rockstar Ronan. I didn’t need to put my name on there why would I? To get acknowledgement for donating a few dollars? No thanks. I was excited yay Cvs was involved in this bit sad that the manager wasn’t a little more excited to try to have people donate. I want to work there and show people Romans picture and tell them they WILL donate $3 because they have to. As for the holidays well, it is hard for people to accept the truth. We all want happy Christmas cards and letters to send to family. But it’s not the case or story for everyone. I’m thinking of you and making sure my family is thinking of you. We miss you Ronan. Your mama misses you. Visit her soon.

  11. Kate

    The Christmas Card is perfect – heartbreaking and real and perfect. Another beautiful perfect child has been taken by neuroblastoma today. She is the 4th child I’ve known in 2 weeks who has died of cancer. Maybe you can visit her carepage to offer support only you can give. Charlotte Kelly passed away this morning and it is beyond devastating to see another baby be ripped away from the loving arms of their parents. Something has to change. Although I don’t believe in an afterlife or heaven, maybe Ronan and Charlotte’s spirits are somehow united. Maybe he welcomed her and they are together watching over their loved ones. I feel sick that another baby is gone to this awful disease. F–K CANCER

  12. Katie R

    Maya,
    A purple glass ornament hangs on our christmas tree this year. This is my secret….no one but me knows that this little beautiful purple glass ball hanging among the other ordinary red and gold balls is a symbol of your Ronanon my tree!! I’ve been following your blog since April and your story has become a part of my daily thoughts!! Ronan is gone, yes, but he is not forgotten (as fucked up as that sounds). Happy Fucking Holidays!

    Love you, Maya!

    Hugs,
    Katie R from Dallas, TX

  13. Rita Dickinson

    Maya, one of the things that keeps me reading your post (besides the major fact that I care so much for your family) is that it makes me realize what my parents must have gone through when my sister died many, many years ago. Thank you.

  14. kristin

    This is the card….i can only imagine how drained you must feel. I am so very sorry and sad for you Maya…no one should have to experience the things you are going through. I put a shiny purple heart on our christmas tree in honor of Ronan this year. I will explain it’s meaning to anyone who sees it. A visual reminder to never forget him & his courage. Love you, Kristin in Ahwatukee

  15. Jamie

    There are really no words. Always thinking of you and your family. Ronan is ALWAYS on my mind. Love to you all…Jamie

  16. Claudia Flaherty

    Thinking of you and your family always Maya. I am so very sorry this is your reality, your holiday card. Not fair!!!! Fuck You Asshole Cancer!

    Xoxo,
    Claudia

  17. Stefanie

    I have been feeling especially thankful lately for everything in my life for the months and months I have been reading your words, but this just upped everything to the next level. I will not be sending out cards that dont make a difference anyways, I will be sending the money to you instead that I would have used to send/create them…since that will make more of a difference. You are powerful Maya and are going to make sure future Mamas don’t have to even think about this horrible letter. We are all here to make sure you get there.

    Hugs

    Stefanie

  18. Colleen Fisher

    I keep thinking of how people are spending money on holiday gifts when what if everyone just donated that money, or even part of that money, to cancer research?! Don’t people GET that RESEARCH is the key to a cure?!?! That that’s the best way to say FUCK YOU FUCKING CANCER?!? Maya, I’m so sorry. I so wish with all my heart and all my strength that I could somehow just grant you YOUR wish. No mother should ever feel this pain and loss. My heart aches for you daily. Always Ronan. ALWAYS.

  19. Jaime H.

    I’m so sorry Maya, what else is there to say? I’m just sorry this has to be your reality and for all the pain! And your so right on about the “phoniness” of Christmas cards! No one shows their “real” lives in those things. Everyone has issues and problems. Sending love your way today, xoxo

  20. Desiree

    I’m at the library today, working while my little one is in preschool… I dropped off a stack of the purple RockstarRonan cards that Phaedra sent out to several of us… And now I sit in tears and can barely breathe after reading this post… FUCANCER!!!!! I’m so sorry Maya!! I wish all of our tears and sorrow for you and your family would make this all go away… You are on my mind EVERY single day…. Hugs & love.

  21. Paula

    Reading your blog has deeply affected me. I hope you don’t mind, I have tweeted to Jeri Ryan (an actress with a pretty big twitter following) to RT about your blog and Ronan’s foundation in order to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. Hopefully, she will RT. Fuck Cancer.

  22. Katie

    Maya, I’m speechless. The part where I lost it the most… when you mentioned Ronan’s silent tears sliding down his precious cheeks as he bravely fought for his three year old life. No little boy should have to endure that… no parent should have to see it… that picture in my head has deeply affected me. I am so sorry. I hate that other children (children… the greatest and most delightful things on earth) share this same story. I don’t even want to send out a Christmas card any more… the Christmas letters are interesting but they can be lame. I think I will send out cards with purple candy in them instead or something fun… I don’t think everyone needs a picture perfect portrait of my family… I’m sure Ronan would have rather received a tasty sweet in the mail… so would I!

  23. Rosemary S.

    To Ronan’s family:

    Kerrie Roberts: “Keep Breathing”

    You wait in darkness
    For answers that you can’t see
    You know what you deserve and
    You’re wondering why your life is
    Not what you thought it should be
    When the night breaks, your heart still aches
    How can you face the day, you just

    Keep breathing, you’ll make it
    Don’t give in, you’re not done yet
    Sometimes all that you can do is
    Keep breathing and believing
    Don’t let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer
    When you feel like you’re dying
    Keep breathing

    When every moment
    Is almost more than you can take
    You’ve got to know some tomorrow
    Will bring you a breakthrough
    That’s the reason why
    You’ve got to get through today
    When the night’s gone, you will be strong

    Keep breathing, you’ll make it
    Don’t give in, you’re not done yet
    Sometimes all that you can do is
    Keep breathing and believing
    Don’t let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer

    With every breath you bring hope
    You’re letting go of all your doubt
    When nothing is easy, you’ve got to keep going
    Even when you don’t know how
    You don’t have to know how, no

    Keep breathing, you’ll make it
    Don’t give in, you’re not done yet
    Sometimes all that you can do is
    Keep breathing and believing
    Don’t let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer

    Keep breathing
    Don’t give up
    No you’re not done yet
    Don’t give up
    Don’t give in
    Don’t let go
    No you’re not done yet

  24. Amy

    Your card is perfect! I replaced the silver sparkly star on the top of our tree this year with the craziest purple tutu I could create. And guess who is wearing it? R2D2!!! This year we celebrate Ronan.

  25. A stranger who cares

    Maya…. Oh Maya 😥  I’m sobbing hysterically. My heart absolutely breaks for you and your family. I just wish that helped you somehow. When I lost my teenage cousin, who was my lifelong best friend and my soulmate, I guess I was so broken myself that I didn’t notice how very broken her parents were too. Reading your words makes me hurt for them all over again. They did do Christmas that first year for her little sisters. But they changed it… The tree was in a different room and they bought all new ornaments. They never used the old ones again. They also never hung their stockings again because they couldn’t *not* hang hers, nor could they leave it empty. I remember the fog I was in then… but even so, I spent so much time with her family… and maybe it wasn’t visible to the world, but I could see in their eyes how much they hurt. How much they were forever changed. Hell, *I* was forever changed. They shouldn’t have lost their child, and neither should you. No parent should endure this nightmare. I’m so sorry.

    But you must know this: Maya, you and Ronan are making a difference. And don’t say it’s not you because you’re the one baring your broken yet so loving heart with us. And you are sharing your Ronan with us. Thank you. Because of Ronan, I decided not to buy gifts this year. I don’t have much money anyway, but I went the route of donations instead. I’ll give everyone a card telling them where their donation went and why. And I’ll give them the link to this site too. But even after the donations, I kept seeing the commercials for adopting an angel from the Salvation Army through JC Penney. I went to jcp.com/angel and picked a needy child, then I went a little bonkers shopping for her! She only asked for things she needed, and left the “wants” portion blank… such a selfless child! But I bought her both the things she needed and some things I thought she’d want, pretty much spending my last penny to make sure this child would have 20+ gifts to open on Christmas morning. All I need in return are my thoughts of how excited and happy I hope she’ll be. I’m also refusing to accept gifts this year, insisting my family and friends make donations like I’m doing. Why? Because of Ro. And because of you, Maya. You and your partner in crime are helping others in so many ways, like this little girl who wouldn’t have Christmas gifts this year if you hadn’t inspired me! And all the charities getting donations from (and for) me. 

    No, it’s not fair the way these magical changes had to come about. Ronan should be with you and your family, period. I’m so sorry he’s not. But he is pulling the strings now to bring about a lot of change. I hope you can find even the tiniest bit of comfort in that. Hugs and peace to you Maya, and Woody, Liam, and Quinn. And big hugs to Ro, who has found his own peace as he orchestrates peace and happiness for others! What a truly spectacular child!! He IS always with you, and with the world because of you! ❤

    P.S. – Fuck You Cancer!!!! I actually promise you I'll climb on my roof this Xmas night (I love to do that to stargaze anyway) and shock my conservative neighbors and family by screaming those words as loud as I can! If I get any complaints, I'll refer them to your blog and tell them to fuck off if they don't get it after that! All the rules are out the window this year, thanks to Ro! Keeping you all in my heart……. ❤

  26. jen

    I know ur day probably suckd. I have an uplifting story 2 share n hope that it lifts ur spirits a little. Owner of local happy china been cooking since midnite. All that food goEs 2 homeless. What an awesome guy trying 2 help people. So much is sad n this world we know so i like 2 hear @ good people. Mayb thinking @ him surrounded by 1000s of free eggrolls will make u smile a little. Lifes unfair and it sucks but these little things make it livable

  27. andrea

    thanx for writing. it’s every parents worst nightmare. i can’t help thinking about your other kids too….it’s such a loss for everybody. i agree, hell couldn’t be any worse. i hope you and your family can somehow find a peaceful place within your pain and loss…but hell is hell i guess. i don’t know you but can promise i will be thinking of you and your family. thanx again for sharing.

  28. jordan

    i hope this doesn’t come off as a “me me me” note-but in keeping up with the spirit of realness ( i hope other follow, as it makes the rest of us with shitty years feel better):
    to all of our friends and family-the last 5 years have been full of crap. mom was diagnosed with cancer and given 18 months to live. dad died of cancer. oops grandpa died of cancer too. good news is, grandma died of loneliness. in your face cancer. our beloved brother married a crazy bith that has driven him to the loony bin and to drugs. not that he is exempt from making his own decisions. he just a weak idiot. well, now he is a homeless weak idiot. i guess that’s what happens when you burn bridges with all 4 of your siblings. seems like it would have been a great support system. oh well. as for our family…my husband has lived in different states trying to make ends meet for the last two years. basically missing our childs life. since the industry is bendning everybody over, we never actually get to see him but for the occasional every 6 week trip. in the meantime, we lost our house. despite all this, i feel we still have so much more than other. so i go out and buy visa gift cards for families less fortunate. too bad my purse was stolen. sorry less fortunate families-but if it makes you feel better, they irretrevable cleaned out my savings. don’t worry-that money was just there to move my family to where my husband is living. what the fuck-whats more time apart. isn’t that what the american family is all about these days? broken? so i say fuck this holiday too. however, maya-i can assure you-i could never, NEVER survive what you have. you are an inspiration for so many reasons. right now, because you make it okay to not feel all warm and fuzzy when everyone else says you should.

  29. Daniella

    “Ronan, always Ronan” so powerful! sending you lots of love and hoping you have some moments of calm. fucking cancer. I’m so so sorry.

  30. Maggie

    Maya, you have become my hero! I hug my beautiful son tighter every night and I think of you and Ronan every day, especially while I am hiking in Phoenix. I will stand at the top of my roof, the top of the mountain, top of any place I can climb to and scream with you. “Fuck You Cancer!! You are a piece of SHIT!”

  31. Susan

    I thought of you and Ronan this weekend. We were in a candy store. We apparently walked into an area that we shouldn’t (tho there was no sign, no rope, no flashing lights). We were quickly told this was private and given the look. The look to me, my crazy happy two year old and my curious 4 year old. (he is the same age as ronan) I apolgized and backed away. I wished I had the courage to say ‘please chill out lady no harm was done. nothings broken. we didn’t even touch anything.’ It was in the backing away I thought about Ronan and the mischief you describe and it made me very happy we were even in the zone.

  32. Jen

    Maya, I have mentioned your blog on my twitter feed a few times, posted about you even more, and more than both those combined I start to tweet something, look at it and decide that my words aren’t worth posting. While I have never personally experienced what you have gone through this last year, I have twice held my cousin in my arms while she mourned the loss of not one but two babies half way through her pregnancies. On the scale of life altering, not for the better, experiences, both those days are the highest on my list of things I wish I could go back and fix them. I can’t sit here and tell you that I know how you feel, I can take your words and absorb them, and turn them over and over in my head, but the real pain that you feel, that pain has never been a part of my reality. I feel so much empathy for you, and all the mothers like you that will never again hear their child’s voice calling them mommy, or that never got to hear that voice at all. People turn a blind eye to other people’s pain, and its heartbreaking. Its a defense mechanism, but its flawed in its design. People like to think that if they ignore it, that it can’t ever possibly happen to them. This is why the holiday letters are so full of fake cheerfulness. No one wants to think that their “good” existences can be shattered in a second, because that’s all it really takes. They want to go on pretending that nothing bad will happen, and more appropriately, that it won’t happen to them. Your words, the rawness of them, should be a wake up call for those people, that life is bitter and hard, and its not all sunshine and roses, like they imagine it to be. Sadly, none of them will understand it, not until it personally knocks on their doors and slaps them in the face with that cold, hard reality. Maybe if it did happen to them all, the majority of humanity would be more caring towards everyone else, because we could be less focused on me, me, me, and more on the greater good for the people around us.

    I’m just rambling now. I don’t know if you stuck with my post here til the end, but I hope that you find some truth in it if you did.

    Take care.

    Jen aka scarlet_daisies on twitter.

  33. jennifer

    My little boy was born with 80% of his brain damaged – we just found out two months ago (he’s 7 months old now). We’ve been taking him to specialist after specialist, neurologist, test after test, EEG, etc. I feel EXACTLY the same way about all those stupid ass perfect Christmas cards. The ones that are especially hard are the ones that say things like “expecting our second child. . .” Or the ones that say little so and so is doing (list of all their typical developmental milestones like walking and crawling – things my son may never do). I debate if I should just throw them away, or even open them. They make me so angry. But then, I used to write cards like that too. Thank you for writing this – I don’t think I could put my feeling about those stupid ass cards into words but you did it.

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