Team Maya Table for One!

Ronan. I survived our first Sucksgiving, without you. You know how I did it? I have no clue as the entire day was painful and sad. You know what else is totally messed up? That we took a holiday and celebrated it exactly the way we wanted to. There was no pressure of doing something we didn’t want to do. We stayed home. We picked up Chinese Food. I made Macy wear a wig all day with me and I wore some ridiculous outfit/hat/glasses to get me through the day. To hide my tears. We had some sweet friends stop by. They knew how hard the holiday was going to be, but they wanted us to know they were there for us. They brought by pies. And their kids. And provided lots of hugs, laughs, tears, and acknowledgment that you were missing…. and it was obvious. We ate. We talked. We had a mini dance party. We were quiet. We let the kids hit a piñata. Nobody prayed and talked about things we were thankful for. We lit things on fire. At one point it looked like a scene from Lord of the Flies in our backyard. There were no expectations. It was survival only. Everybody knew that we had decided on Thanksgiving, that we had nothing to be thankful for. Woody and I both decided that. Together. It was our one day, to say fuck everything. Because every other day, we are fiercely reminding ourselves what  it is we DO have to be thankful for, just to subside the pain of not having you anymore, Ro. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. I hope it isn’t always this exhausting. But for now, it is. I am really glad that this holiday, is over for now. You know what else, Ro. It wasn’t actually that holiday that was hardest for me. It was the day after. The day after Sucksgiving when I was scrubbing the island in the middle of our kitchen and I felt like I was sucker punched in the middle of a “normal,” day. Tears sprang for no particular reason, other than the reality that I now live with. Your death which still does not seem real to me. I looked around our kitchen. I sat and waited to hear your voice. I begged for somebody to please tell me this is not my life. I beg for this a thousand times a day.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing at this point. Sometimes I feel so strong. Other times I feel so weak. I’m mostly just sad. Everywhere I look I am surrounded by other people’s pain and sadness. Some days I feel like we are all running around like chickens with our heads cut off as it feels as if our family just doesn’t know what to do without you. I swear Liam and Quinn look for you just as much as I do. Your absence if felt everywhere. I’m not sure how to get through this. This week I guess I am just trying to stay afloat. I am assuming a lot of this has to do with the holiday season approaching. Everyone is happy. Christmas music all around. People buzzing around shopping, shopping, shopping as if that it what the Christmas spirit is truly about. It leaves me confused. And scared. And sad. Was I like all of those people before all of this? I don’t really remember my life, before losing you to be honest with you. I don’t think I was. I have proof I wasn’t. I used to write about you all the time when you were alive and healthy. I used to say things like how everyday with you, felt like Christmas to me, because it did. You were our best Christmas gift, everyday. And it wasn’t just me who felt this way, Ronan. Your daddy and brothers felt this way too. You made everything complete and perfect in our family. You were the missing link. And how do you go from having all the pieces fall into place to having them all ripped away? How do you survive that?  I wish I knew the answer to that, Ronan. I am here, trying to figure it out but it mostly leaves me feeling like I am a 5-year-old, sitting in a mud puddle, crying, with rain pouring down on me and I am unable to get up because I am too stuck in the mud. That is the nice version of how I feel.

The things I’ve had to deal with this past week make me want to throw up. Just life stuff in general that I don’t have the tools to deal with anymore. How can I possibly be expected to deal with normal things that normal people go through that are considered “problems?” I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t have the energy. Or the patience. Because I no longer see the world the same. I’m am no longer like everyone else which in turn just leaves me feeling totally alienated and alone. I choose to withdraw. I choose to be selfish. At this point in my life, I am just trying to survive this and figure out how I am not going to die from the pain. I don’t want to be inspiring. When people tell me that, it floors me. How can I possibly be inspiring when all I’m trying to do is to simply make it through the day? I don’t remember what your daddy said to me tonight, in the bathroom when I was washing my face but I looked at him and said, “Do you think I like doing any of this? Because I don’t. I don’t want to share Ronan with anyone. I want to keep him all to myself  but I can’t do that. Things have to change and I made him a promise.” Do you know what the easy answer would be to all of this Ronan? To quit. To pack it up. I know I could talk your Daddy into moving away from here. To some other town.  A quiet town where I could stop all this writing. Where I could stop all this fighting for you. Where we could disappear and reappear as just a normal family of 4. Where nobody knew about you. Where we could have 3 more babies. Where we could start over. It could easily be a reality. To run away. To try to run away from the pain. That would be the easy way out. But I won’t do it, Ronan. I don’t care how hard this gets. I won’t ever stop fighting for you. For our family whom believes in you so much. I couldn’t live with myself. I will stay here and fight for you for the rest of my life. I don’t care how many people I piss off in the process. You are my fuel and my fire. You are my passion, my heart, and my soul. I will give you everything I’ve got until things change in a major way. I’ve got nothing left to lose when I’ve already lost the thing which is most precious to a mother. Her child. But not only a child. My Ronan.

Tonight, I went for a really long, dark, late at night run. Mostly out of anger. And hurt. Mostly out of hurt, which turns into anger because anger is much easier to access, than sadness. All I want is for everyone to be on the same page as “Team Maya.” Turns out a lot of people, are not. And I have to learn to be o.k. with that. But it’s still hard. I ran far and had to have your daddy come and pick me up after mile 10. I thought about things. I mostly tried to picture what it must be like for my friends to be outsiders looking in on all of this. I tried to listen to the words I’ve heard and I tried to tell myself it is only coming from a place of love and concern. I tried to rationalize with myself and the things that were racing through my mind. It must be scary to be on the outside looking in.Why do so many people think they have a clue what this is like for me? For us? Why do so many people have an opinion on the way I am handling this? Am I hurting too much? Is that even possible? Am I making that poor of choices?  I guess. I confess. My poor choices include being sad. Being angry. Avoiding old friends. Making new friends. Avoiding all friends. Venting to the people closest to me. Running at night. The whole weekend of death. Looking for distractions like helping others. Being honest. Writing this blog. Being bratty. Being pissed at the world. Throwing pity parties. I did take a rock that one time and cut my arm just to see if I was capable of feeling pain. I didn’t feel a thing. Should I be decorating the Christmas tree, baking cookies, while singing along to Christmas Carols? How the fuck isn’t everyone just proud of me that I am being somewhat productive? Isn’t it enough that I’m not at the local Tavern, drinking my life away? I’m pretty fucking proud of myself for not going down that path. Actually, I think I’m pretty fucking awesome for that. Or I could be totally addicted to all the meds that I was on before. But I stopped taking them. Cold Turkey. Totally dangerous. Bloody hell. Maybe I’d fit better into the “Maya Mold,” if I would just play by the rules and shut the hell up and stop using the fuck word so much. Has anybody seen my apron? The casserole is ready!! Maybe I should just pretend to be a little bit sad and not so sad that I am scaring people. Or maybe I should get back on my meds and then” go away,” to an institution for month so I can reflect on this “amazing journey,” write a book, and then come out “happy,” again. What a crock of shit. What a crock of fucking shit that anybody who has not been through this thinks they are entitled to a fucking opinion about this. It is easy to have your opinions when you get to go back to your life and you have never had to kiss the Urn that your baby is in now because they died of cancer. It must be a very nice throne to sit on. It must be a very nice glass house, to live in.

Ronan baby. You know how much I miss you. You know how sorry I am. But most of all, you know how much I love you. I’m trying to let our love get me through this, but some days it’s harder than others. Some weeks, it’s harder than others. The one thing I know about you though is no matter how scary this all gets, you will never stop believing in me. You will never stop trusting me. You will never give up on me. Because of that, I will never be without you.

G’nite baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


24 responses to “Team Maya Table for One!”

  1. I know I’m just a stranger who reads your blog but for what it’s worth- I am proud of you for being able to get through each day without Ronan. Not only that, you have brought awareness of childhood cancer to so
    many people. That’s an achievement. Smiling when you feel like like crying is an achievement. Still being able to open your heart to love is an achievement. It must be so hard to share not only Ronan, but to bear you heart and soul to all of your loyal followers. So yes- I am proud of how brave you are for forging on and getting through every minute of every day and I am forever grateful to ‘know’ you and for the opportunity to love the most beautiful boy in the world.

  2. You inspire me simply because you are still here and are still fighting. The “rules” for grieving were made up by society because no one wanted to deal with it. I’m proud of you for not giving in and basically becoming a Stepford wife and choosing to forget Ronan ever existed. He did and because you chose to share your journey with us, we choose not to forget as well. I cannot begin to understand your pain. Instead I support you from afar and remind you that you and your family of five are loved.

  3. Therese in Ireland Avatar
    Therese in Ireland

    That photo of Ronan is so beautiful Maya, he is stunning. I can’t imagine your pain but I can easily understand the effect it is having on you. I just don’t think I could cope like you are and you don’t even feel like you’re coping. But you are. You’re still being a Mum and you still think of other people. You still give thanks to the people who reach out to you and comfort you. You’re still spreading the word and making the world aware of what you’ve had to endure, the horrible injustice of it with no good reason. You are doing your absolute best and nobody could possibly expect any more from you. You’ve had such an effect on me that I would do anything, anything, to bring back your beautiful Ronan. You have made me so thankful for all that I have. My heart breaks for you every day and every day, despite my tears, I log on to see what you have to say. That’s the pulling power you have Maya and the fact that you’re using that pulling power to try and do something, anything, to rid the world of this horrible, disgusting beast is proof positive that you’re dealing with this unthinkable situation in a more productive and giving way than anything I’ve ever seen. Do what feels right to you and don’t let anyone tell you that anything you’re doing is wrong. How would they know? One step at a time, in whatever direction feels right to you. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family all the time. x

  4. Thought about you and your family all weekend. I don’t know what to say today. I will say that not a day goes by that I don’t think of all of you. Love to you and your 4 cuties!!!

  5. You are the bravest person ever Maya and all I can say is you just do what you have to do for your baby Ronan.and your self one can know how you feel….

  6. Maya,
    It is not team Maya, table for one!!! There would not be a table big enough for all the people that are on “team Maya”. There would not even be a big enough restaurant!!! Don’t let anyone put expectations on you and do not feel obligated to do anything. I can tell you that I am thankful every time I see a new post because that means that you are still here and you are still fighting. Keep fighting Maya!!!

  7. Glad Miss Macy was in town. Grief is a process with no clear cut path. I’m sorry you are in such pain. Our love and thoughts go out to your entire family. Thinking of you all always.

  8. I hate seeing his beautiful face. I know that may sound bad but every time I see his gorgeous eyes and smile I once again think hey fuck you cancer. How could cancer take suh a beautiful boy away from his mama and daddy and brothers what the fucjk. It’s not fair. I’m throwing a tantrum and he’s not even my kid but it is so fucked up. I see his face daily on my phone to remind me to keep trying to fight an raise awareness. Not for myself but for you maya and for him. Because its not fucking fair. so fu cancer. I would be the person in a bar or an institution. I am proud of you and the fact that you are surviving. You are doing a whole hell of a lot better than some people so go you. Yay you get to live another day knowing that cancer is a fuckwad. I’m gonna stop now. Sure it doesn’t help. Fuck you cancer and I will join you at your table so make It bigger.

  9. I’m so sorry Maya 😦 I’m still heartbroken for you. Love the beautiful photo of your precious Ronan. You’re doing the best you can, no one should be judging you. This time of year must be especially difficult for you and your sweet family. I’m praying for you today and every day. You and Ronan are never far from my thoughts. I wish I could help. Love to you always, xoxo

  10. Shlomit Robbins Gruber Avatar
    Shlomit Robbins Gruber

    You are doing what you need to do to get through each day and that is ALL that can be expected….nothing should be “expected,” really. Your boys are with you (all 4 of them) and that’s ALL that matters anymore in this life. You are courageous and strong, whether you feel it or not. Just keep doing what you’re doing and surrounding yourself with the people who unconditionally love and support you. You don’t need “opinions” on how you’re handling yourself and you certainly don’t need judgment passed on you. You are doing the absolute best you can do, which is far, far more than so many others would do under similar circumstances. Thank you for opening my eyes and reminding me daily to KEEP THEM OPEN to the true realities of this world – you NEVER wanted this role, but the truth is, the perspective so many of us now have is forever attributed to your beautiful Ro…in that way, Ronan lives on forever through all of us.

  11. I had a Maya Thompson experience today. I was rushing, on my way to work, and of course, late. I had to run through Walgreen’s for a couple things, and as I was waiting in line, the cashier asked the woman ahead of me whether she’d like to buy a pack of 20 batteries (AA or AAA), either for herself, or to donate to Toys for Tots. My Walgreen’s collects toys every year – maybe everyone’s does, I dunno.

    Anyway, the woman said no, and she didn’t do it dismissively. She seemed actually bothered that someone would dare to ask her that, as if it were a nuisance.

    I felt so badly for that poor cashier. I mean, the poor lady is 1) doing her job, and 2) trying to make Christmas a bit more joyful for some poor kids. I mean, what’s the damage, right? It’s $6, and it’ll make a kid (hell, probably a couple of kids) happy.

    I stood there, looking at my $44 in Frederic Fekkai shampoo and conditioner, and just thought, damn, that’s a lot of batteries. So I bought a lot of batteries, too, DUH. But I came away with a feeling of disgust.

    When you start wondering, Maya, how you’re inspiring, THIS IS HOW. You inspired me today. And you know what, it wasn’t in a pretty, sparkly, weepy way, either. I got mother fucking pissed off. About poor kids, and abused kids, and kids with parents who don’t teach them generosity during a season that’s SUPPOSED to be about giving thanks and giving to others. And yes, of course, about kids with cancer.

    I hope I stay bitchy for a while. And I hope you do, too. And lots of other people on top of that. You know why? Because people will listen. People can ignore nice – they cannot ignore a while bunch of pissed off women with a mission and a plan.

    So thanks, Maya, for not being all about glitter and perfection. It’s why we love you, why we are still here, and why we will never leave. You rock. Everyone else can go to hell.

  12. Much love to you, Maya. While I know nothing more than what I can imagine and from what I read on here that you are able to share about your journey…I just hope you will continue to do what feels right for the day, hour, minute. Right for you and for your boys, all 4 of them. Maya’s Mafia–well we may love you and your Ronan, Warden Woody, Liam and Quinn–but you answer to none of us. If it still feels right to blog, fight, help others, raise awareness, raise money, and change the world…then I say keep going. And if/when it doesn’t–when YOU need something else, then do that, sadly…so sadly, there will probably be another mama to pick up and fight some as well. No matter what, you will have changed so many of us and I will always remember You, Woody, Liam, Quinn, and Ronan…in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  13. YOU are dealing with this the only way you can. and that is how it should be. FUCK every one who judges. I judge those who judge you……seriously. C’mon, how can anyone imagine this nightmare.
    I am amazed at how you have gotten through these months…..I would be institutionalized without a doubt.

    oh, plz add me to your table, your canadian mafia stalker member 😉

    Hugz and love!

  14. I am proud of you because you are honest and loving. You need to do what is best for you, Ronan and your family and not care what others are saying when they are negative. I am proud of you! I understand your pain and it is so hard to keep getting up day after day.
    You are surrounded by people that love you and will hold you when you need or want it.

  15. Unfortunately I do know how you feel, as I am going through it as well, but not nearly as eloquently as you are. It’s good that you have the friends that understand you and can just let you be. That is the greatest friendship of all. You have so many people supporting you and cheering for you and the cause, both in the real world and in the cyber world. You are an amazing woman, to be able to do this through all your pain and grief. I’m glad Ronan is giving you the strength you need to keep fighting, but I do think a lot of your strength is innate, and you just didn’t need it before. There are no rules to grieving, we each handle it in our own way, don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise, because they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. We are all behind you as you raise awareness of childhood cancer and fight for a cure! I wish I had the strength you do to fight for a cure for Huntington’s Disease. You go, girl!!

  16. Maya, please don’t let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel or how you “deal” with the death of your sweetie. You “grieve” how you want and when you want. I am so sorry that you, your family and friends have to go through this and that any baby and family has to go through this for that matter. Most of all, I’m sorry you lost your best friend, your baby, your Ro. We all love you Maya, even though most of us are strangers to you.

  17. Maya…i realize I ama stranger to you. I’m just a Mom from Ahwatukee..I attend the runway show a few weeks ago. All I wanted was to contribute some love to you & your family. Yes I bought a raffle ticket etc…but my hope was to be able to meet you in person and give you som good juju… I caught a beautiful glimpse of you as you walked the runway with your dear friend. This was enough for me…I hope you felt my presence…Just put one foot in front of another sweetie…we will all propel you forward xoxkh

  18. I dont know you but I know that I am damn proud of you! I truly think its amazing that you get through each and every day with out Ronan, and you do it without the help of alcohol or drugs. No one can ever say that you should only be so sad or that you should start to live happily again, because life will never be the same and its ridiculous for anyone to think any different. I have no idea how you feel day in and day out but I know that It breaks my heart to think of what happened to Ronan, so I can only imagine the pain his own mother is in.

  19. #teammaya!!!
    Rockstar Ronan = beautiful
    Peace & Strength!

  20. Fuck everybody who judges how you deal with things. and FU Cancer.

  21. I am so glad that you survived the last few days – it is not easy. There are no rules when your child has died. Each of us gets through it however we can. I am so glad that Macy came to see you. The picture of Ronan is beautiful. Fuck you cancer.

  22. Your strength is amazing…

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