Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Pardon my french tonight. Actually. Do not. I’ve about had enough. Ring Ring goes the iPhone. Dr. Cassidy’s name pops up on the screen. My heart sinks….. why is Ronan’s eye doctor calling me?? The one who checked out Liam and Quinn. I pick up the phone.
“Hello,” I say in the voice that I’m now told sounds like a 15-year-old.
“Hello, yes is Quinn’s mom available?” The nervous kid on the phone asks.
“This is she.”
“Yes, Hello, this is Nick from Dr. Cassidy’s office. I just wanted to go over Quinn’s results with you as Dr. Cassidy had a chance to look over what was found.”
“O.K….. is there something going on that I don’t know about?”
“Well, um…. well…. we had a chance to look them over and I just wanted to talk about some things with you.”
At this point, I am crying in the phone……
“O.k., what is it?”
“Well, the spot that showed up. We went over the results and the spot is benign, so I just wanted to tell you that,” says the kid whom I am now ready to strangle.
“Well, I knew that yesterday. I wouldn’t have left the PCH yesterday, without thinking differently. You’re scaring me. So, please tell me, once again that this is nothing. I do not need to have this checked out again in 6 months, right?”
“No, no you don’t. I just wanted to reassure you,” the kid Nick, says into the phone.
Reassure me? I thought to myself? This is reassurance?? Wow. I may have forgotten what the feeling of reasurrence feels like in this life, but I am pretty sure it does not feel like somebody just threw you off of the side of a cliff.
I couldn’t even say goodbye. I just hung up the phone. What the fuck is going on, I think to myself. Doesn’t this kid know that he is calling the mother of Dr. Cassidy’s former patient, who died? Doesn’t he know that things need to be presented to me, a little differently? Doesn’t he know not to hesitate when telling me the “good news?” I do not understand what is going on in the world. I am serious about that sign that I am going to start wearing around my neck. I am also going to change my voicemail and it is going to say, “Hello. You’ve reached the voicemail of Maya Thompson. My 3-year-old son, died of cancer. Please choose your words, carefully. And FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I get it people. We as a society are not handed out life skills when it comes to knowing how to treat/deal/embrace somebody whom has just lost a child. EMBRACE THEM. Because that is what we need; as bereaved parents. It is to be embraced. Not ignored and pushed aside. We as a society are taught to ignore that babies die all the time. Unborn, born, infants, toddlers, children, tweens, teenagers, and young adults. It happens, every single day. But it is like a dirty little secret that nobody wants to talk about it. Like if you do, you will be next. We as a society are too scared to acknowledge it and we choose to look the other way because this is what we are taught to do. But doctors. Such bullshit. And these doctors, trained doctors whom work in the medical field and deal with these things everyday…. how do they not know how to be a little more kind to the parents?? Surly it cannot be that difficult. It is called empathy. It is called kindness. It is called love.
Maybe I need to cut this kids some slack today because he was not aware of who he was calling. Maybe I am being arrogant to think that he did in fact know about you. How couldn’t he, Ronan? Doesn’t everyone? To me the death of you, is so huge that I feel like John Lennon was murdered all over again. That everyone, in the world, is mourning your loss. So to me, today, that kid that called me, did know. And if he didn’t know, he should have known. Because you were a patient there. And you are worthy of that entire office knowing. And I am worthy of a phone call that should been handled a little more gently.
You want to know what one of the worst feelings is? When I know people know about you but they pretend they do not. So, they choose to either avoid me or if they do approach me nothing is said about you. Do you know how much comfort it brings to a mom to just hear the words, “I am so sorry about your son?” It is something that anyone can say and it is a reminder to me, that you are worthy of them being sad. Even if it is even only for a second and then they can go on about their day.
I feel like the whole world has gone mad. And if I were to turn on the news tomorrow to see that a UFO had landed, I would not at all be surprised. You died. Nothing else insane that happens in this world, would even phase me. It’s just a matter of waiting now for what’s next? Because surely this is only the beginning. Fucking bullshit of a thing called life.
This morning I woke up, feeling like I had been hit by a truck? Did you just die all over again? I had no memory of where I was (Quinn’s bed) How I had gotten there (thanks Ambien) and what had happened the night before (thank you again, Ambien. You are better than than the roofie I once thought I had been slipped, but it was really only too much tequilla!) Apparently, I had a big party in the your brothers’ room, all by myself. I woke up to 2 huge empty bottles of sparking water, 1 empty coke can, 2 Sugar Daddy wrappers crumpled on the floor, NERDS candy spilled everywhere, my laptop open and the some very messy words written in the 3 of my 50o journals that I am now hoarding like a pack rat. The self destruction plot continues…….
My head was heavy and Quinn’s pillow was drenched. I must have been crying for you in my sleep. It literally took me a few minutes to let my reality sink in. I had to force myself to remember that you had died and the events from PCH the day before with Quinn, started to trickle in. FUCK. I so do not want to get out of bed, I thought to myself. Quinn came bouncing in the room, full of such happiness and love. I had no clue where Liam was, then I remembered that he had stayed with your Mimi and Papa the night before.
Showtime Mommy! Time to get up! Time to start your day like Ronan is NOT dead! Ready! Set! Action!
Somebody please turn off the fucking cameras.
Lights out. Show over. This episode has been canceled.
I survived the rest of the day. I powered through. I got an email from somebody from the AZ Republic saying they wanted to feature me in a story on the Valley’s 20 Most Inspirational Women.
G’nite my baby doll. I miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. I love you.