Big lights will inspire you

I have so much to say tonight, that I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll just start by catching you all up on what we have been doing. Yesterday, Woody and I had the chance to walk the city a little bit by ourselves. We did a little Christmas shopping for the boys, since we have yet to get them anything. After that, all 3 boys came back to the Ronald McDonald House with us for the night. Ronan was in heaven and it was so nice to all be together as a family. I had a few little issues with Quinn that were concerning me. He was very moody, crying a lot, and really disrespectful to me which is so not the child we have raised. I am trying to be patient with him, but I am also not going to baby him and give him his way when he is telling me he wants soda at 9:00 at night and then freaks out because I won’t give it to him. I told Woody that I needed some one on one time with him the next day because I could tell he was in desperate need of it. He is hurting, he is confused, and he is scared. It kills me in every way shape and form. I cannot stand seeing my child this way; someone who used to be so carefree and not have a care in the world, has now had his entire life turned upside down. I don’t get to be a mom to him very much anymore….. it is all so unfair. Today, Quinn put up a little bit of a fuss, but I told him we were spending the entire day together and that is precisely what we did. We bundled up and walked the streets of New York together. We had a great breakfast and a very good talk. I tried my best to have a really good heart to heart with him. I told him how I was his mom, even though I don’t get to be with him as much, that would never change. I told him how when I tell him something that he doesn’t like, that he needs to be respectful of what I am saying because it is for a good reason. I told him how unfair this all is and how he has every right to be mad, sad, scared and confused and that he could come to me with anything he is feeling. I also told him that just because I spend so much time with Ronan, it does not mean I love him more. He listened, smiled, and told me Ronan having cancer makes him nervous. I explained to him why we were in New York City…. Not for a vacation, but because they have the best doctors here who are going to get him better. After this big talk we headed to Dylan’s Candy Shop. Nothing like a little candy to make everything alright. We had a great day together and I could tell it meant a lot to him. It’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten to spend some quality time with him. I refuse to let all of the parenting I’ve done, be undone just because I am not around. I have worked way too hard for that to happen.

Ronan, Liam and Woody spent the day together at FAO Schwartz. It was good for them. We all met up later in the day and then Ro, Quinn, Wood, and I came back to the Ronald McDonald House to hang out. I was having a lot of anxiety once we got back here…. I’m still having a hard time accepting our reality. I let Wood take the boys downstairs to enjoy a party they were having and then I decided to go on a little run. My little run turned into a 12 mile run. I feel like I could have run an entire marathon. I ran up to Central Park in the dark. If you would have asked me 6 months ago if I would have run Central Park, in the dark, alone, I would have told you no way. Surely I would have been mugged, raped, or even murdered. Tonight, I laughed out loud at this thought. My kid has fucking cancer; none of those things can even apply to me now. It was just what I needed tonight. So therapeutic, so painful, so raw. Every inch of my body hurt but I like the pain. It is nice to feel physical pain instead of the pain I feel 24 hours a day. A different kind of pain. It hurts so bad, that it felt good.  I am figuring this city out through my runs. I will know it like the back of my hand in no time. This will be my therapy while I am here and Central Park will be my Church. I did a lot of talking to the gods, stars, and moon above on my run. It was good for my head and was so gorgeous. I don’t regret many things in my life; but one of them will always be not living here. I was so close to going to NYU after high school…. This city is my kind of place; a place that everyone should experience. It is going to heal me, heal Ronan, and it will always have a special place in my heart. I vow to one day, own a place here. It is a city that feeds my soul.

I spent the night taking care of Ronan while Woody, Mimi, and Quinn went to see “Elf” on Broadway. Woody wanted me to go, instead of him, but my anxiety went through the roof as soon as I pictured all of the people I would be surrounded by in a confined place. I can’t do things like that anymore. I told him I was going to going to have to take my Xanex just to get though it. I opted to stay here with Ronan who has been such a handful. Oy vey! Maybe I should have went to “Elf”……

That post was from last night. I’ve been having Wifi issues so that is why there has been lack of updates. Sorry! It’s been driving me crazy, but hopefully we will get it taken care of. We are at Sloan all day today doing another Stem Cell collection. The days here have been very busy and this week is packed. I will keep you updated as best as possible. Just know that we are loving New York, feel very blessed to be here, and are taking things one day at a time. Love you all. Have a beautiful Monday!!