I’m restless. I’m scared. I’m sad. These are my feelings tonight. I’m allowed. I’ve spent the majority of the night watching Ronan sleep. He is so peaceful, which gives me lots of time to think. Thinking tonight, is something that is not healthy for me. I tend to over think everything, go over every possible thing in my head, and do all of the “what if’s” that I am not supposed to do. But I do them. I am a mom and I think it is only natural. I wonder what all of you are doing. I imagine you are with your family’s, doing wonderful, beautiful things. I wonder if you know how lucky you are to have healthy kids. I could be sick if I sat and thought about how much of my kids being healthy I took for granted. I seriously thought that is just the way it was, and never gave it a second guess. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong, hearing how strong I am, pretending everything is o.k. It’s not. No matter how many people tell me he’s going to be fine… it doesn’t make this any easier. Words are words. I want my baby back to how he was before all of this. I don’t want to cry anymore the thousands of tears I never knew I existed. I want my happy family life back. I want my friends back. I don’t want to have to go out to dinner anymore and talk about Ronan’s illness and have my friends be consumed and worried and sad for me. I don’t want anymore sadness. Where is the fucking magic wand to make this all go away??
Now, I would like to leave you all with my absolute favorite word of all time. If you have sensitive ears….. Earmuffs! I’m saying it loud and clear tonight so deal with it. Hey, at least it looks pretty. Peace out.