And the word of the day is……

I’m restless. I’m scared. I’m sad. These are my feelings tonight. I’m allowed. I’ve spent the majority of the night watching Ronan sleep. He is so peaceful, which gives me lots of time to think. Thinking tonight, is something that is not healthy for me. I tend to over think everything, go over every possible thing in my head, and do all of the “what if’s” that I am not supposed to do. But I do them. I am a mom and I think it is only natural. I wonder what all of you are doing. I imagine you are with your family’s, doing wonderful, beautiful things. I wonder if you know how lucky you are to have healthy kids. I could be sick if I sat and thought about how much of my kids being healthy I took for granted. I seriously thought that is just the way it was, and never gave it a second guess. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong, hearing how strong I am, pretending everything is o.k. It’s not. No matter how many people tell me he’s going to be fine… it doesn’t make this any easier. Words are words. I want my baby back to how he was before all of this. I don’t want to cry anymore the thousands of tears I never knew I existed. I want my happy family life back. I want my friends back. I don’t want to have to go out to dinner anymore and talk about Ronan’s illness and have my friends be consumed and worried and sad for me. I don’t want anymore sadness. Where is the fucking magic wand to make this all go away??

Now, I would like to leave you all with my absolute favorite word of all time. If you have sensitive ears….. Earmuffs! I’m saying it loud and clear tonight so deal with it. Hey, at least it looks pretty. Peace out.

10 thoughts on “And the word of the day is……”

  1. Maya—you are my hero!!! I can’t go to sleep at nite until I have read your last blog of the day. You give me strength to deal with my daily rif raf and remind me of how fortunate this family is and how much we have taken for granted. You speak it from the heart—-don’t stop. You have the best movie script going and don’t even know it. It’s going to hang right up there with the “Blind Side” with Sandra Bullock. I see it happening and the ending will be as sweet with Rockstar Ronan. Bless you…bless you. My daily prayers are heavy duty for you!!!!!

  2. the f bomb is beautifully done..thank you! Let me know where you find that f..ing magic wand ..I would like to use it a couple times:)

  3. This is one of the many reasons I follow your blog. You are real and uncensored. You have a right to all the feelings you are talking about. Thank you for sharing your story so that others may have a glimpse into what you are experiencing and see why there is a need for more research into childhood cancers. Much love to Ronan and your whole family!

  4. maya you and woody have a very hard job as do the twins and most importantly Ronan. I can’t imagine the pain and fear you feel on any given day. I wish for you to do as I am doing tonight, 13 years from now, you will be up with your high school senior trying to help him get this calculus stuff into his brain. I am thankful for where I am, and wish nothing but God’s peace and blessings on you and the family.

  5. There is no magic wand, Sorry Maya. Just the wisdom of a team of physician’s that want the very best for Ronan, an absolute loving God that believe it or not is walking every mile of this journey along side your son, and an awesome support system. It’s a day at a time and it’s really hard not to fast forward and add what ifs. You need to be reminded there are thousands of people praying for your son. People you know and people you have and never will meet. We are praying for your family because cancer is hard on everyone.

  6. It says in God’s Word that the Lord counts your tears and keeps them in a bottle..He sees what you are going through…and He looks on your heart. I pray you are blessed with encouragement today and I pray for the Lord to show you a reminder that He will lift all of you up out of this.

  7. I agree. Fuck cancer, especially childhood cancer! There. I said it. Couldn’t say it during the campaign, but now I can. Fuck cancer.

  8. Wow.. I have spent the last couple of hours reading your blog. What started out as an article I read among the pages of another story I have followed for awhile, has turned into LITERAL hours here. I can’t say I know too much about what you all are going through, with cancer. But I am a wife, and a mother of 2 beautiful boys. I just had to tell you, some of the things that you say, touch my soul. The pictures you post, the words you type, you are such an inspiration to moms like me who have not had to deal with half of what your family is going through, and your blunt honesty is refreshing to the soul. Please keep writing. I probably will never meet you, but I will keep reading, and will be a better wife, mother, and person, after reading your words. Thank you!

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