Angels Waiting in the Wings

I am amazed at the people who have come out of the woodwork to help us—people we know and complete strangers, just because they are touched by Ronan’s story. I put something out into the universe today, and I am getting amazing responses. People who are willing to go above and beyond to help us any way they can. It is people like this that the world needs more of—selfless people who stand by their word and pour all the energy they have into helping people like us. I’ll never look at the human spirit the same way again.

All has been pretty quiet around here. Ronan is still storming right along. He had a few fits today—bouts of anger and hitting me for no reason. Well, I guess he had a reason—his reason. He was that angry that Liam and Quinn were not home. He likes to take it out on me, and when his little temper hits, I bear the brunt of it. Not fun to see or watch. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know what his moods are going to be like. I am doing my best to discipline him, but sometimes nothing works, and I’ve come to find out I just have to let him get his anger out. He’s got to be angry about a lot, and I know he is having a hard time processing what he is feeling. It’s heartbreaking. I keep telling him that we will get through this and he will get better. He talks all the time about getting his “Iron Man” out. I don’t blame the kid.

We go to the clinic in the morning, and then Mimi Kay and Kathy are going to watch Ronan so I can get some things done. It will be nice to get out of the house and take a break from Ronan. I am meeting my friends Jen, Bethany, and Trish for lunch and to go over some things for Ronan. I am so lucky to have girlfriends who are willing to drop whatever to see me and work on some ongoing projects with me. All of their support has been keeping me going.

I can’t believe the holidays are right around the corner. It’s my favorite time of year to live here. I am hoping to take Ronan to a pumpkin patch this week or next. We will, of course, take Liam and Quinn as well. Last year we lived at the pumpkin patches, and I took all of the boys half a dozen times. We are a pretty active family, and I love taking my three little guys off for adventures. It’s been a while since we’ve done anything like that. Ronan seems to be feeling just fine, so pumpkin picking we will go.

I’m still trying to find my balance and where my life fits into all of this. Before this happened, my life consisted of a daily routine of healthy outlets. I’ve let all of those things go and can’t seem to get back into them. I miss my workouts—running, hiking, boot camp, etc. Any time I have free time from Ronan, I find myself feeling guilty. I feel like I need to be with him 24 hours a day. I know that’s not realistic or healthy, but time away from him feels selfish to me. I know I need a break, and I am going to try to start doing some things again. To be quite honest, I feel like if I put myself back out there, the world is just going to swallow me whole. It’s that whole anxiety thing that I’m now dealing with, I guess. I feel safer trapped inside my little bubble with my little guy by my side. It is something I will continue to struggle with, but I will also continue to work on. There has got to be a happy medium somewhere—it’s just going to take work to find my new comfort zone.

It’s 3:10 in the morning now. I’ve been up off and on all night long. I finally feel like I am tired enough to sleep a few hours. Thanks for reading this, thinking of us, and praying for our family. Love to you all <3 Goodnight, friends.