Thanks for nothing, White House.

tumblr_mgdyfz7Ja31r0mbpqo1_500

Ronan. When I’m not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I’m hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. So much has happened and so much is going on that I don’t even know what to address first. First things first, Ronan. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. I keep telling myself, I have to get through September first, but I truly don’t know if I can wait that long.

So, where to start? The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hampton’s with your Poppy sister. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of “ruining our trip.” That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. That phone call where I was left saying, “What? No. Start over. I cannot process this. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? I love you. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you.” That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldn’t survive this big of a loss, once again. Your daddy watched me as I paced around for days, cried in bed, telling him if anything happens, that this will be the worst thing to happen to me, since losing you. I came home from the Hampton’s, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old man’s forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, “No matter what this is, my book is already written. You know that better than anyone.” I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. Please, Ronan. Do not let anything take him away. Please, Ronan. Let him be fine. You left him here to watch over me, for you. Do not let him be taken away. A few hours later, I got the news. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. It had not spread, and now that it was removed, everything was going to be fine.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. He promised to help me fuck cancer and I’m not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that.

While I was on my vacation in the Hampton’s, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. I wish so badly that I could make this a reality, because I don’t know what else to do. I’m angry, sad, and feel really let down. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. How can we make this happen? Does it start with baby steps while everyday, kids are just being murdered, left and right? How much more blood needs to be shed? The world of childhood cancer deserves so much more.  Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because it’s the world solely live in now. We didn’t ask for much, Mr. President. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. Thanks for not listening, or caring in my opinion. I truly expected more from you. These kids, deserve to be embraced. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. A little sorry we’re really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen.

I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. show in Florida. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. Of course I said, “HECK YES!” Because I don’t like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. Who knows what I am getting myself into, but I’ll never know unless I try. You can see the link for the website here. http://emotionalmojo.com My first real interview is Monday. I’ll let you know when I know more. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;)

Alright, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Thank you again, Ro baby. I love you so much.

xoxo

P.S. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. A huge thank you to Mayor Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona for signing our proclamation to declare September as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. We are truly grateful to have him on our side.

BTWrJhJCYAArNnwphoto

Thank You, ABC 15. I Know We Can Do This!!!

tumblr_mfj661tPuE1r9bgcro1_500

 

 

 

http://www.abc15.com/dpp/news/valley-mom-needs-your-help-to-light-white-house-gold-for-childhood-cancer-awareness

The List

People have asked, what they can do, besides the obvious which is donate to Childhood Cancer, to help make a difference in this fight. If you want to donate to Ronan’s Foundation, even if it is just a dollar; please do so. I have over 1.6 million hits on this blog. Can you imagine if every person that has read this, donated just one dollar? Or five? That could do so many amazing things in our efforts to support research for Childhood Cancer.

I’ve thought up a list. A very unconventional list, because it is not just about bringing awareness to Childhood Cancer. It is also about living a life that Ronan would be proud of. It is about living a life, that Ronan would have given anything for; to LIVE. It is about being the BEST version of yourself, that you can possibly be. This list will grow and I hope it only gets better. I’m still young. I still have A LOT to learn, mistakes to make, things to regret…. but as of now, this is my list. This is a list that has been inspired by losing the life of my son and trying to become a better human being, because of it. I hope someday, that I am able to live my life doing everything I have written below. This list, gives me hope, in my darkest hours.

1) Be thankful. For all that you have. No matter how much or how little. If you have kids, be thankful that they are healthy. Nothing else matters. If you don’t have kids, be thankful for your health or the health of the loved ones in your life. Just be THANKFUL. And know what it truly means.

2) If you’re not happy, change your life and become happy. Happiest people are the most beautiful. Become the happy person you want to be. Life is too short, not to be happy. Ronan almost lived 4 years on this earth. I’ve never in my life met a happier person then he was and look at everything he endured. Cancer never got in the way of his happiness, until the last week of his life when his life was no longer his to live. He was ROBBED of his happiness. You do not have to be; so stop complaining.

3) Volunteer. At a Homeless Shelter. At an Animal Hospital. At The Ronald McDonald House. Whatever you are passionate about. Just do something to make a difference. Volunteer at a hospital…. there are so many sick babies who need people to hold and love them. Get involved. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

4) Donate BLOOD or PLATELETS. It’s not that hard. REGISTER to become a BONE MARROW DONER. You could help save someone’s life.

5) Scream about Childhood Cancer Awareness with me until people start to listen. Write to local companies, small companies, big companies, your favorite Celebrity, the Media, Congress, The President, The White House, anyone you can think of; until people start to listen. If there are enough of us screaming, they will have to at some point. The lack of awareness/funding is UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE. Media is very powerful. We have to get them on our side.

6) Educate the people around you about how this can happen to anyone. If you want your child to get a Urine Test, ask for it. Knowledge is POWER. Learn the FACTS about Childhood Cancer, like it is your bible. Know what it is you are passionate about, and why. Educate people about this blog. Scream about Ronan’s story to anyone who will listen.

7) Rules were meant to be broken in life. Break down the doors. Don’t give up if you are told No. I don’t care if it is a hundred times. Nobody ever made history in this world, by playing by the rules. REBELS RULE. Embrace your Inner REBEL. Ronan would love this so freaking much.

8) Question everything and follow your instincts. Listen to you heart as it is more powerful than your mind. I don’t know why my number 8, has turned into a smily face. Ronan must have done this. Apparently he really likes this one.

9) Take a Holiday, once a year and do something completely selfless. How amazing would it be if everyone stopped worrying about themselves, gifts, fancy clothes, on a Holiday and took the time to go to a local Hospital to drop off toys or gift cards to the parents who are struggling/sad/lonely/or depressed because their “Holiday,” now consists of living in a hospital, fighting for their child’s life. Take our self-indulgent Holidays and bring the smile to the face of a child or parent who could use it a thousand more times than you. Take your kids with you and tell them why you are doing this and why it is important.

10) Please stop to enjoy the music in life. By blasting the music you love, the loudest it will possibly go, while having an insane dance party with yourself or your kids. They will love you more for it.

11) Be inspired and inspire other people around you. Find your inspiration. Move mountains with it. Form an army. Join an army. Make something happen.

12) Get off your ass and exercise. It will change your life. It is saving mine. Run for Ronan, because he will never get the chance to run a marathon with me, like I often dreamed of. Swim for Ronan. Bike for Ronan. Walk for Ronan. Ski for Ronan. Do it for yourself and for all the other kids who will never be able to, because they are not among the living anymore. Be HEALTHY. Eat better. Stop freaking smoking. It’s insulting. Not to mention, just plain gross. YOU are better than that, otherwise, you would not continue to read this blog.

13) Get angry. But turn that anger into something positive. Do NOT start dealing with your anger by hitting the bottle, hurting others, or doing drugs. Let your anger fuel your fire, but in a positive way.

14) Pursue your dreams. If they don’t come true, at least you know you tried. Do not be afraid to fail. You should be more afraid of not trying and never knowing.

15) Continue to talk about Ronan, his story, his fight, his beauty, his life, his death…. Help me honor him by continuing to believe in him the way you do. Take my pain, of losing him, and continue on this adventure, with me. I am humbled and so thankful by all of you who continue to want to support and love Ronan. It makes me stronger. It makes me feel as if I can really change the face of Childhood Cancer because of the endless amount of love and support.

16) Love your family and friends. Cut the drama out of your life if anybody brings it to you. Stop apologizing, but apologize when necessary. Be true to yourself, your beliefs, your life.

17) Never settle. EVER.

18) LOVE with your whole heart, soul, mind and body. Make sure the people in your life, are worth it. If they are, give them everything you have.

19) Stop freaking out because your kid colored on the wall, with a black Sharpie, and then peed all over the carpet. Be glad you have a kid to create such a little creative piece of Art for you. Embrace their Inner Spiciness.

20) Teach your Children. Educate them on how lucky they are. Teach them to be kind to others. Don’t lie to them. Let them make mistakes. Guide them, push them, pull them, engage with them. Be present. Life is hard. Let them know this, without having to teach them the way that Liam and Quinn have had to learn.

Alright lovelies. This is my list for tonight. I’ll add more as I think of things. Don’t thank me for it. I had nothing to do with it. Thank Ronan. Kiss your babies. Love yourself for being so beautiful, that you want to be a part of the change.

I love you all. Ronan loves you all. I know he would be proud of this list.