Oh Ro….. what am I going to do without you??

JUNE 9th……………………..

Ronan. It’s almost been two months. Two months since you left me. How is this possible? It makes my head spin. It’s 1:30 in the morning…… 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. That’s around when you took your last breath. When I kissed your lips and whispered in your ear to come with me so we could get out of this place. I still can’t believe all this has happened. How my worst nightmare, really came true. I was so sure you would get better. You were going to beat all of the awful statistics and live to be a normal, healthy boy. You were so strong, so brave, and so proud. I remember how the day before you passed away and you weren’t really going to the bathroom anymore. I kept trying to get you to go. Finally, you told me in your squeaky little voice that you needed to pee. You didn’t want to go in the urinal right by your bed, you made me carry you to the toilet even though you were in so much pain that it hurt for me to even pick you up. I carried you to the bathroom and set you down on the toilet. Your little body was so skinny and frail that it took my breath away. But you were so proud. Too proud to do the easy thing and just use the potty by your bed. You always hated that thing. You held your chin high as cancer tried to take away your dignity. It never won. Cancer may have taken your life, but it never took away your pride. It would have been such an easy thing to give up and I don’t know that I know many souls in this world that would have put up such a fight like you did. I feel so privileged to be your mommy, Ro. You are so amazing in every way.

New York Miss Macy left today. Everyone was sad to see her go. Quinn and I took Olivia with us for the day as he wanted to go to a movie. We ended up seeing, “Turtle: The Incredible Journey. It was all about a little Loggerhead turtle and her journey in life. Her purpose, which ends up being to travel the paths of her ancestors, only to return home 25 years later to give birth to her offspring while fighting every odd stacked against her along the way. Only 1 in 10,000 turtles survive this journey. Throughout the movie, I felt as though the turtles journey is similar to mine. It may sound weird, but so many things that happened in this movie made me feel so vulnerable and struck such a chord. It started with the fact that these babies are buried alive after they hatch out of their shell and it takes 3 days for them to dig themselves out of the sand. Yup. I know a little something about feeling like you are buried alive just like you, little turtle. The baby, who is the size of a small child’s hand, has to leave the beach for it’s new world of the dangerous ocean. Many of them do not make it due to being eaten by crabs, birds, or the oceans waves are just too tough for them. The Loggerhead turtle, has one of the most difficult and longest migratory patterns of any marine animal. It reminds me of a bereaved mother. After you lose a child, it is almost like you are born again and thrust out into this cruel, cruel world. You are expected to survive it by everyone, you are expected to do as others think they would do, but the truth of it is….. we are all different and will follow our own instincts to hopefully return to our place of peacefulness and our home once again, when we are ready to go there. Just like the loggerhead turtle.

It is a very long journey and the turtle has to continue to fight, without giving up. They are survivors. Just like a mom who has lost her child. A mom who is just trying her best, trying to pull herself out of bed everyday;  to do what is somewhat normal for her kids so they can have days like yesterday where one of them spends time with his very special Papa Jim, and catches his first Salmon. Where the other one, spends his day with his mama and all of her amazing “sisters.” I have not heard Quinn laugh so much since he was with Ronan, before he was sick. Do I feel weird being out and about, laughing away?Absolutely. But I am not really doing this for myself. I am doing it for my children. I want them to look back at this summer and remember being surrounded by the people who love them so much and to remember all the laughing and silly bonding time we had together. I want them to be able to see that even though I cry a lot, I can still laugh. Even though it is the saddest summer that we’ve ever had. I cannot let my children drown in their sadness like I want to. I will not have them secluded and take away any more of their childhood, any more of their innocence. They deserve to have as much normalcy as possible.

After 25 years, the Loggerhead turtle grows into a big strong turtle and is no longer afraid of the ocean. She develops a big, hard shell and very thick skin. If you have ever lost a child, this is a necessity for survival. Especially if you have decided to share your inner most thoughts and feelings though a blog for everyone to read. You really need a thick skin for that one. Luckily, I have always had thick skin so I’ve pretty much got that covered. The hard shell can be for my hard head, as I tend to be pretty stubborn, or so I’ve been told. My point being, that while watching this movie today, and seeing how many obstacles this little turtle had to overcome to survive, I was forced to think about my new life without you, Ro. It is so hard to go on, move forward, and not want to just give in and sink to the bottom of the ocean. This little turtle could have easily given up. So could I. But I keep telling myself I am a  survivor just like the turtle.

JUNE 11th……………….

Ronan. I did not finish the post above due to falling asleep. I have no idea what was written above as I don’t go back and re read the things I write. I hope it made sense. I think I remember something about a turtle…….. Everything is blurry. I don’t even know what has happened since I last wrote. Except I am still in miserable, extreme pain. My head hurts, my shoulders still hurt, my toes hurt, my heart hurts….. everything hurts. I think I managed to run 6 miles last night though. I think I have managed to get out of bed the past couple of days…. although not until at least 11. I think yesterday was the 2 month date of you being gone. I remember staying up really late the night before and crying with your daddy. I remember waking up the next morning and my head felt so heavy that I could not get out of bed. I remember talking to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and just crying in the phone and telling him how I couldn’t get out of bed, how I couldn’t believe it had been 2 months. He begged me over and over to get up and get out of bed. I told him I could not. I laid there for an hour after talking to him and I couldn’t get the sound of his voice, out of my head. If it wouldn’t have been for his words, ringing in my ear and not going away, I wouldn’t have gotten up. I made myself get up out of bed. I think we went to the beach with Auntie Karen, Liz, and Olivia. I surfed. Quinn fell asleep in the sun. Later in the evening, as we all sat there together as the sun was setting; dolphins appeared. They always do for me. Auntie Karen said it was you. It made me smile. Last night, I fell asleep really early. Well, really early for me. I remember cuddling up with Quinny and we fell asleep around 11.

Today, I didn’t get up until 11. Seems like if I don’t have a reason to get out of bed, I’m just not going to. Your daddy was up with Quinn, playing video games. I texted Liz and asked what they were doing. They said they were going to the Farmer’s Market in Hillcrest. Your daddy, Quinn and I met them there. We walked around and ate some food. I bought some humus. That and rice pudding seem to be the only thing I can keep down. Weird combo. After the Farmers Market, Auntie Karen took Quinn home with them. Your daddy and I needed some time together. We walked back to our car and held hands. It felt nice. We decided to go and see a movie. We saw, “Horrible Bosses.” We both agreed it was o.k. We had some laughs.

Lots of signs have happened the past few days. It seems as everywhere I go…. Coldplay is on the radio. I swear, I heard it 4 times in a row a couple of days ago. We always loved to listen to them together. Something else happened today. After the movie, your daddy and I walked into Nordstrom Rack as it was right by the theater. He went off to look at ties and I was looking at shorts. There was a lady right next to me and her little girl, who looked to be about 3, was playing right by me. She was hiding underneath the clothing racks which was one of your favorite things to do. I heard her mom call out her name. It caught my attention. I looked up and said, “What’s your daughter’s name?” as I was sure I had heard her wrong. She goes, “Ireland.” I just looked at her, stunned. I told her how your daddy and I had picked that name out about 9 years ago if we ever had a girl. I then had to walk off because I just started bawling. I walked around and found your daddy. A few minutes later, the little girl and mommy walked past us. I pointed her out and told him what had just happened. He seemed a little shocked too. The fact that the name is so uncommon, that this Ireland girl just happened to be in the same spot as me, the way her mom just happened to call out her name……..it kind of shook me to the core today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if it was your way of telling me that you are still here. That you are really watching over me. I think it must be. I can’t think of any other reason that would have happened today. It had to be you.

I talked to Fernanda tonight. It has been so long since I have heard her voice. She is still in Mexico. She picked up the phone and goes, “Buenas!” I squeaked, “Fernanda…. hi….” She goes, “Who is this??” I said, “Maya.” She goes, “Oh, Maya, Maya, Maya……I miss you so.” I started sobbing into the phone. I was overcome with how much I miss her and thoughts of you. We talked for a good half an hour. She has been having such a hard time, just trying to get back to her normal life. It will never exist for her again either. We talked about you. How this feels like a life sentence. How cruel it was to have you and then to have you taken away. How if she hears one more person tell her God needed another angel she is going to fucking lose it. Fuck that saying. It’s bullshit and the only people that say that, are people who have never lost a child of their own. We talked about what we are going to do once school starts up again. How she will help me find my way because nothing that I do, if not in honor of you, will make any sense. We both want to do something more with our lives than driving freaking carpool. We both feel the need to help other babies and families. I don’t know how we will do this yet, but I promise you, something will be done. She will be here on Friday. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around her. I hate being so far away from her.

Quinn is asleep next to me. We had a good night together. I talked to Liam and he will be back tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see him. We have missed him so much. I am so proud of him for going to Washington without us. He is so brave and independent. I know he has had the best time. It meant so much to Nana and Papa.

Ok my baby boy. I’m going to try to get some rest. I miss you so much. I love you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

And P.S. To all the people on my husband’s flight back to AZ tonight from San Diego….. you embarrass me. A family of 4 asked if anyone would switch seats with them so that the two parents could each be with one kid, so they wouldn’t have to be separated. NOBODY offered. Except Woody. My 6’6 husband gave up his aisle seat to sit in a middle for them. WTF is wrong with you people??? There should have been at least 10 people offering to give up their seats. Such little acts of kindness are things my husband has been doing his whole life. And he, the person who deserves it LEAST in this world, just had his son die of cancer. Fuck all you mean people. As my dear Charisma would say, “RUDE.” Miss you CC. Miss you Big Daddy Woo. Love you both.