Who is that little boy, standing next to you by the Christmas Tree? Oh, nobody. That’s just a mannequin, wearing my dead child’s costume.

tumblr_mee0pmndSz1qdnun7o1_500

Ronan. Life is all about choices. I have to make choices every single day. For instance, it is a choice for me to get out of bed every single day and be a functioning member of society. That is a choice I didn’t used to have to make in my life, I was just so excited about the day and what was to come, that I would spring out of bed after mostly being woken up by you. Now getting out of bed every day is harder. But I make the choice to do it. For you, for myself, and for your brothers. I have to think about the way the things I do in my life and what they will do to your brothers as well.  I know having a mom who doesn’t get out of bed, would only hurt them. I’m trying my best not to cause them any extra pain. I am trying, but sometimes I get so tired of all of this. It takes a lot of energy to make these choices that do not come effortlessly to me anymore.

Saturday came. I was o.k. with it because we had a very specific plan for the day. I had to finish up an interview with NPR so a girl named Jude came by our house with the last of her questions. Your daddy did a little interview as well. I think it will be a really good piece and I cannot wait to hear it when it is all finished up. Jude came to PCH with us to get some background noise while we decorated our tree. So it was me, your daddy, Liam, Quinn, Fernanda, Stacy and Melissa who spent a couple of hours, getting your Star Wars Captain Rex tree up and decorated. The entire tree is blue, silver and white. Just like the colors that Captain Rex wore. A lot of the time, I can be really strong doing things like this. Or maybe I’m just still numb. Looking back, I don’t know how I did what I did, with your daddy and brothers there with me. The decorating the tree wasn’t bad. The being in the hospital wasn’t bad. I handled it all pretty well, like I always seem to do. I handled it all well, including when Liam went over to your Captain Rex mannequin and picked him up for a picture. I about lost my shit, but I couldn’t. All Liam wanted was a picture with the little guy. He had no clue that Captain Rex was actually wearing the costume you wore on Halloween. So as he put his arm around Captain Rex, then picked him up while saying, “CHEESE!” I had no choice but to snap the picture. I think I almost threw up. I looked back at Fernanda who had seen the whole thing. She looked as pale as I felt. OMG. OMG. OMG. That did not just happen. This is not my reality even though I know very well that it is. We all got out there soon after that. Your tree looks wonderful. So perfect. So very much you. We took a picture in front of it. The very perfect family holiday card picture, right Ro? Looking back at it now, it breaks my heart. Captain Rex looks like an actual little boy standing next to us. He looks about your size. Have we all gone mad? Who in their right minds, takes a picture like this and holds their shit together? We do, Ronan. To honor you. To bring some smiles to other kids’ faces. Because this is one choice we don’t get to make, we just have to do. For all of us. Because if we don’t do things like this, then we all crumble up and just fall apart like I know I want to do, every second of the day. But the fighter in me just won’t give into the weakness of that. I’ve got too much shit to do in this world.

We had some very good friends come into town for the night. My best friend from Jr. High. Her high school sweetheart and now husband and my good friend, too. I set them up when we were about 15. Some of the best people I know. Woody and I love spending time with them as a couple. Laura and I used to always say you and their daughter Cameron, were going to get married someday as you are so close in age. How naive we were, I guess. They came with their kids in tow. As always, it was so good to be with them. We left the kids for the night and headed out to the Bret Michaels concert. Everyone was so excited, including myself but always in the back of my mind is the reason I get to do things like this and it all revolves around because of losing you. This now means that anything beautiful comes my way still stings in a way, too. I am always very aware of our situation and the reason our life is the way it is now. The situations I find myself in, such as a great night out, with great friends, at a great concert, always come with a heavy price tag. One that I wish I never knew but this is our life now so I try to take these little gifts and grow from them as much as possible. In my life before all of this, I am pretty sure I would have been the life of the party. Laughing with friends. Being wild and free. Not having a care in the world. Now I find myself a little more reserved and quiet. I know I will never be the life of the party again. I would just rather sit back and watch the way others get to play that role now. It’s not mine to play anymore. Our night was lovely and your daddy got to blow off the steam that I know he very much has been needing to do. I found comfort in being with my oldest friends. The friends that knew me before your daddy, before kids, during kids, and after the death of you. We got to spend a little time with Bret before the concert. I had the chance to tell him thank you for all he has done and is continuing to do in this world. He has a great heart and I was so glad to finally be able to tell him thank you in person. The concert was amazing. I had to sit down throughout much of it, due to my feet hurting and just being wiped out. I felt your Poppy kicking a lot. I let myself find some solace in that.

Our friends left today. But not before I went to your room to check on Laura and her kids. They were packing up and I could tell Laura was upset. Her little one’s had been playing with your toys all day. I told her it was alright, that somebody needed to play with them. She just grabbed me and we both cried for a bit. She told me how wrong this all is and how she doesn’t know I do this. I don’t know either. I never will know the answer to that other than the obvious one which involves because if I don’t, I will die. I know that is my ultimate truth.

I need to go now, baby. Quinn is sleeping due to a headache he has had today so I am going to snuggle up to him. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?

Ronan. I had a dream about you this morning. I was up off and on all night last night. 12:30 a.m. awake. 3:25 a.m. awake. 6:23 a.m. my phone rang. It was your Sparkly. I shot right out of bed. My heart sunk. Why is he calling so early? Something must be wrong. False alarm. Everything was o.k. I fell back asleep after that. In my dream, I was with your daddy, I think. You and your brothers were sleeping somewhere else that wasn’t our house. I made your daddy drive over to check on you. We opened up a back door to a house that was unlocked. We crept into a bedroom. I was only concerned about seeing you. In my dream, I didn’t know you were dead. I ran over to the bed where a tiny little boys’ feet stuck out of the covers. I pulled down the blanket off of your face just in time to see your beautiful full head of hair and watch you open your eyes and look at me. I kissed your little cheek and felt so happy, but I didn’t know why. I get to see you all the time, in real life, right? I remember saying to your daddy. “He opened his eyes.” Just as I said this, real life happened and the noise from your brothers, jolted me out of my sleep. Oh, how I would have given anything to have had more time with you in that dream. It took me a minute to remember my dream and that you were not here, for me to kiss. That is always the hardest reality to wake up to. The fact that I only get to see you, in my dreams and not here, in your bed or running around our house is such a cruel, horrible reality.

I got up. Helped make breakfast for everyone. Acted as though everything was o.k. this morning when mornings around here are never o.k. My heart has been heavy for the past few days. Remember that sweet boy, Teddy, that we spent some time with in San Diego this summer? The sweet little Teddy that reminded me so much of you? He has been doing really great, then suddenly out of the blue, his parents find out that his Neuroblastoma is spreading like wildfire. They have been told there are not many more options left. His mom, whom I adore, is faced with the decision to just let Teddy live out the time he has left here, or put his through some really harsh chemo to try to slow this monster down. The same kind of chemo, that left us inpatient at Sloan for 24 days, and did nothing for your disease. My heart is breaking. I don’t understand how this can just keep happening to these kids who are so loved in this world and are so innocent. I feel so helpless for his family. I don’t want them to know this life I live, one without your child. It is just too cruel of a world to live in. Please keep Teddy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else you do. Ronan. You know what to do little man. I promise I am trying to fix this as best as I can. I just can’t keep up with all these kids dying, one after the other. I wish I had a magic wand and wishes really worked. I wish everything was that simple. You can visit Teddy’s caring bridge, here. I know what his parents have decided to do. I will wait for them to post an update, to tell us all.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

Even though it might seem like I’m in a really dark place right now… because I am. I am still managing to somewhat function in this too bright of a world. For instance, yesterday I went to a kids fest, Ro. A kids fest without you in tow. Do you know how achingly hard this was for me to do. A festival full of healthy kiddos, just as the world should be. There was not one bald head in sight. I was asked to do a reading there of the kids book, “The Lorax.” I had so much anxiety about this the night before. I tossed and turned. Dreamed about not being able to get through the book, without you there. I took your daddy and your brothers. Fernanda and her 3 boys met us there, too. I sat in a chair and read this story to about 20 kiddos. I talked to you before hand on the drive out there. I closed my eyes in the car. “Please Ronan. I need you today. Help me get through this. Keep me calm, cool, and collected. Help me do this. Stay with me. I need your help today.” I thought to myself, this can either go two ways. I can lose my shit and not be able to control my emotions as I knew having to look out into a sea of kids, and not see your face was going to be rough… or I can keep it together and stay focused on the people I had there, who I love so much. I looked out into the audience. I saw Fernanda’s face. Her boys. Your daddy. Your brothers. I looked down at my feet to see a random little girl, playing with my sparkly shoes while I was reading. This made me smile. I can do this today. I will do this today. I will do this and be proud of myself for doing something that feels so hard to me. I let myself be proud for the .2 seconds that I allowed. That is all I needed. Your brothers had the best day. They got to run wild and free after my reading and enjoy being the 9 year olds they are. I am always glad to see that. I let that be enough for the day.

I have been busy around here getting ready for our Macy’s arrival. Quinn has probably asked me about 10 times what day Macy will be here and what time. She changes the whole dynamic of our family in such a good way. For the time that Macy is here, it is always a time full of laughter, love, and peacefulness. We seem to always have plenty of tears, too, but somehow the tears feel easier when Macy is around. I am so thankful she is coming in for our second annual Macegiving. I am so grateful for our sweet friend who is a part of our family. I am so thankful that she will be here for us on another one of our hard holidays. They all seem pretty hard, but things are a little less hard when Macy is around.

This is all for tonight, little one. Rita just texted me, “Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?” That is some seriously funny shit right there. At least it totally made me laugh out loud.  I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

This slideshow requires JavaScript.