Lipgloss Living isn’t easy when your heart is broken

Ronan. I died long before you died. I died on the day you were diagnosed with cancer. I’ll never forgot the way the news was presented to me. Like, “Oh, hello I am an Oncologist. Your son has stage IV Neuroblastoma. Have a wonderful day.” I was stunned, in shock, and the world was literally spinning around me. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck an Oncologist was. I fell to the floor. I died right then and there. But I got back up from my death. I got back up and I fought. We were thrown into the world of childhood cancer and did not stand a chance. Oh, how I thought we did. Because of course you were special and you were mine and we loved each other so much that the God’s from above were going to work in our favor and save you. They did not and you died. And now I will say over and over again, fuck those Gods for taking my child. After you died, I died again, right along with you, by your side, as you took your last sweet filled breaths. “Come with me, Ronan. Let’s get the FUCK out of this place. Take me with you. Please. I don’t want to stay here alone. I am dead, too.” Dead. Dead. Dead. Not once, but twice. So far in my life, I have died not once, but twice.

You die when your child dies. It’s a fact. You die, over and over again. Yet somehow, you just keep being reborn. I often have days where I’ll look in the mirror and say to myself, who are you today? Because I don’t recognize this face. It’s a new face today, but always the same eyes. Those big, sad, green eyes that are filled with so much pain, darkness, and fire it is as if I am looking into the depths of hell itself. Do you know how I go out into the world now Ronan? How I know what kind of day it is going to be? My days are determined by my lipgloss and I’m not even freaking kidding you. What the fuck, kind of way is that to base my days off of? I don’t know, but it is the only thing that seems to work for me. No lipgloss= a really bad day. A clear or light lipgloss= a calm or peaceful day. A bright or red lipgloss= a very, extra spicy day. A red lipstick day! Holy hell. Hold on to your pants, because someone is pissed. I never did this in my life, before I died. I only knew one feeling during that time and it was pure and utter bliss. Lipgloss living wasn’t even on my radar due to the emotions I was feeling. I just wore it because it made me feel pretty and for no other reason then it was girly and fun. Now I wear it to not feel pretty, because I never feel pretty anymore. I feel ugly all the time. I now wear lipgloss like it is part of my survival to stay on this earth. Lipgloss is my imaginary friend that helps me get through the day, the way I need to get through it. Didn’t think I was crazy before? You surely must think I am crazy now. I have imaginary lipgloss friends. It’s o.k. You know I am o.k. with the crazy that exists inside of me. It’s always been there. Now it’s just a little more tangible.

Today had no choice but to be a better day, then yesterday. But last night. That was hell. I think I tossed and turned until almost 5 a.m. I think I beat up some pillows and sent some raving mad lunatic emails to only the one close enough to us, to receive them. Emails that said things like, “What was I thinking, coming here without my Ambien?!! I need it so I can take 5,6, or 7 of them. Or I actually just need my son back, so I can sleep peacefully, again. Can you bring him back for me? I know you can’t, but just thought I would ask. G’nite lovie.” I finally fell asleep after writing a bit. Crying a bit. Thinking a bit. And missing you, a lot. I woke up today, tired but filled with a nervous energy that I couldn’t shake. Adrenaline running through my body like wildfire. Must go, go, today. Do, do, do. I went to visit someone who I have not seen in a long time, but someone who had a hand in shaping me during those very tumultuous teen-aged years. Someone that watched me at my worst and my best. Someone that watched me as a crazy dramatic teenager, grow into a young woman, and now this; a broken-hearted adult. I walked into to see her, like a puppy dog with its tail tucked in between its legs. That’s how I felt anyway. She looked like she was seeing a ghost. We stood and hugged for a few seconds. I didn’t feel like letting go. “Hi,” I said with my eyes falling to the floor. “Oh, Maya. I think about you all the time. But look at you. You’re doing it. You don’t have a choice. I don’t know what to say. You are such a good person. You didn’t deserve this.” Enter my hysteria here, that I tried to keep under control. “I don’t know what happened or how this happened or why this happened. I did everything right. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in this life, to make sure I had a good life. And this happens to my baby. How??? Why???” No answers were given of course. Just words of sympathy. Maybe pity?? I hope not pity. I never want pity from another person. I stayed for a few minutes longer as it was a short visit, as it only needed to be. She told me she felt honored that I came by to see her. I wanted to say, “Honored? Not honored. It’s just me. I’m just the same. I would always come by to see you, when I was visiting from out of town. I do not want you to see me, so differently, that you are honored that I would pop by. Please, don’t think of me like that. As the broken-hearted woman you see in front of you. Please think of me as just being the same person I was before all of this happened.The girl you used to know, who didn’t know what real pain, felt like. Can’t I go back to being that girl? Please? I cannot. That life is over. That life, will never exist again. Only a new life exists now and I’m not sure what that looks like. It looks different to me, everyday.

Tomorrow is almost here. I have a favor to ask of all of you lovely little blog readers. You all know my Dr. JoRo and how I fully embrace the fact that she has been one of the people who has saved my life through out all of this. Before her, I had no hope at all. She is one of the only people in my life, who has given me the gift of hope back. Tomorrow, her baby girl, Cheyanne, would have been 18 if she had not died during birth. It is because of her death, that I have my Dr. Jo and I so hate that. I would give anything for it to not be this way, and to not have ever known Dr. Jo, so she could just have her daughter. But because of the cruel fates of the world, it is not this way. Dr. Jo has taken tomorrow and turned it into to International Kindness Day. She has been doing this for a very long time now. So long now, that over 1 million acts of kindness have been done around the world. Can you please take tomorrow, and do something extra nice for someone? Even if it is just smiling at a stranger or holding a door open for someone. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but even the smallest acts of kindness, can change the world. Thank you, lovies. You are the best blogosphere friends a girl could ask for. I love you all.

G’nite Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

 

Maya decides not to die.

Ronan. I saw your Dr. JoRo today. It’s been way too long. It was a catch up session and a pow wow session combined. She wanted to know what’s been going on, if I’ve had quiet time, how I’m feeling, etc….. I told her today that I think I have decided that I’m not going to kill myself. She hardly flinched when I told her this as I think she already knows this. I guess I’ve known this for a while too….. but sometimes I think it would be nice to take the easy way out, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this pain. I get tired of it. But then I think of your face and how unfair that would be to you…. not to mention your daddy and brothers. And Dr. JoRo and Sparkly. And a whole lot of other people who love me. I could never be so selfish to actually do something like that. But I do think about it. Not a lot, but it does comes up. I’ll bet you it comes up with any parent who has lost a child. I’ll bet it is just part of this process. It almost seems natural due to being left here, expected to survive such extreme circumstances while everyone else goes on with their day-to-day lives. I won’t ever be able to go back to the day-to-day normal life that existed before all of this. Every single thing I do involves thinking about you, missing you, and hurting for you. Whether it be folding the laundry or how I am plotting to take over this world with my evil plans that often involve the fuck word that I love so much and seems to offend so many people. Bahahahahaha!!! That was my best, evil laugh. Fucking fuck little dude. People are sick and want to see me fail. I fully get that. It’s just the way this world works. I don’t have much to say to that because it’s not really worth my words. I just feel sorry for them and the things in life that they choose to HIDE behind. What a pitiful life. All I’m trying to do here is spread the RoLove and maybe help save some cancer babes lives while I’m at it. But I understand how that could seem so evil as I am not doing this the traditional route. I’m choosing to do this my way or the highway and anybody who has a problem with that can SUCK IT MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!! Traditional is not my style when it comes to, “Oh, I’m sorry, but my son died of cancer so let’s just sit back and be nice about it while I shut the fuck up and don’t be vocal about it so things don’t ever change.” Gag me.

People are scared of different. They would rather sit back and judge and hide instead. Uhhhh…… hate to break it to ya, but nobody normal, ever really changed the world. It’s always the rule breakers, the outside of the box thinkers, the passionate ones, the one’s who don’t take NO for an answer, the one’s who FIGHT back not slink away, the “crazy,” ones. It’s not the let’s play it safe guys and do everything the same exact way, that everyone else is doing, or let’s just not do anything at all. That won’t change a thing. I’m not here to follow anyone’s else’s lead, unless you are a rule breaker too, then we can talk. I’m here to listen. I’m here to be inspired. I’m here to watch the way some other very inspiring people are doing things differently in life. I’m here to grab onto the hands of the people who are willing to do things differently as well. It will take an army to change things, I know this which is why I am sitting back and quietly observing a lot. It’s as if I’m seeing a whole new world of people out there. They are so beautiful that it’s blinding. In a good way. It’s feels so good to be blinded by the sparkling lights of the human soul.

Do you wanna know one of the sparkling lights that I am blinded by every single day? So much so that she is in my daily thoughts because I love her that much. My Dr. JoRo. In my dream of all dreams, and I have many, she is in each one of them. I would walk through fire for her. If money were no object, I would give childhood cancer funding and her MISS Foundation, everything I had. The fact that she has to work so hard, for the funding she gets, which is not a lot for all she does, is such bullshit. Everyone should be supporting her. She is saving the lives of all these parents in the world who are just tossed out into the streets, so scared and vulnerable. She is fighting the good fight and how in the world isn’t EVERYBODY supporting her? She is not doing this to make money or line her pockets like so many other organizations out there. Ummm, hello…. Dr. JoRo does not even take a salary from the MISS Foundation. She is THAT kind of a human being. She is an anomaly in this world. She could give a flying fuck about making money for herself. She wants to help others and that’s it. There is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get and what you get. And what you get is one of the SMARTEST, KINDEST, PASSIONATE and BADASS souls that I swear to you Ro, has ever existed. She is my Gandhi. I need you to watch over her. I need her to be here with me for a very long time because we have a lot of work to do, together. I know Chey is watching over everything she does so she really is in the best hands possible; but I know you are helping out now too. I know you are the one who led me to her. Yes, I got your little sign. The JoRo sign. It’s not a coincidence that her middle name is ROse, baby. I know that. Thank you.

I not only go into Dr. JoRo’s office to talk about death, grief and all things painful. We also talk a lot about life things, which was probably one of her biggest clues that I had decided not to off myself. I guess when you are talking about the future, it means you are less likely to kill yourself. At least in my case. I’m not the grief expert or anything, but this would seem to make sense. Today, I went in there and we discussed an email I had shared with her that I had written out. Today, I went in there with “I have an idea. A really, really big idea….” I have a lot of these ideas in my head that I am so excited about, I want to scream them from the rooftops and go jumping right in, but I understand it is easier said then done. In my mind, everyone should just hear my ideas and say, “Yes! You are a genius! Here is your 100 million dollars! Let’s start saving all these cancer babes!” Dr. JoRo quickly brought me back to reality in the most tender, caring way. By saying, “I absolutely think you can get this done, but let’s cross off X,Y, and Z to get there first and I will help you. This has to be a really well, thought out plan. So, let’s sit down with this dream of yours and figure out what it is we need to do, to make it happen.”

I like a plan. A plan says your serious. And I am serious in the most serious way possible; with everything I have. With everything that is you. But I understand there has to be logic, rules and structure in place as well. I can play by the rules with some things, but I will keep it extra spicy for you too of course just to put your little spin on things. Lots of big dreams all inspired by you and all the other kids and families we’ve been touched by. Cancer peeps and non cancer peeps. It’s amazing to see the movement you are creating.

There is no dream that is big enough for you, Ronan. I promise you that. I promise you, we will get this done. This is what you want. I know it. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I’m going to try to get some sleep. My new motto is, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I said this to your favorite lovie the other night. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t like it. He thinks I need my sleep. I will try to listen to that voice of reason of his that seems to be the one I listen to. And yours. Although, I feel like yours is always pushing me not to listen and to break the rules. You are so spicy. G’nite baby doll. I love you to the moon and back. G’nite little RoFriends. You are the best for believing in us and for letting Ro make you better people. I love you.

xoxo