Losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off

Ronan. I had a bad day. A day where I didn’t get out of bed until 1 or so this afternoon. I am in a funk and I can’t seem to shake it. I cannot shake being in this condo, which as I told you before, is exactly like the one we stayed in when you were so little. Everywhere I turn, I expect you to come running into the room. I think about you 24 hours a day. Today, everywhere we went, I was reminded of you. I hope someday this makes me happy, but as of now, it only brings me to tears. We had a family day out today. Once I was able to get myself out of bed that is. I tried so hard to enjoy life today, but the screaming in my head kept me from doing so. I can put on a good enough show to fool your brothers though. Thank god I’m such an amazing actress.

We took your brothers for pizza and wound up at the movies and saw, “Kung Foo Panda 2,” together. Seeing a movie used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now, it is so hard for me to sit still and focus on a thing and I was so grateful when your daddy asked for a refill for our soda,  so I could be the one to get up and get it. Before all of this, it was always your daddy’s job to refill our pop for us. Just something silly that I would always insist on him doing. Now, I happily was the one to do this for him tonight. I was crawling out of my skin during that movie. At one point, I started to cry. I was sitting between your daddy and Quinn. Quinn was holding my hand and saw the tears. He just took my hand and kissed it. I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him. The movie was actually really cute. I know you would have loved it. It was all about finding your inner peace to be the best you can be in life. What I wouldn’t give for that. I used to have total inner peace. It is so hard to finally achieve that in life and then to have it ripped away over circumstances that you have no control over. You were the creator of my inner peace. You completed it all. Will I now forever be tortured, destroyed, and half of a person?? Walking around so numb and in so much pain that I am just thankful to make it though another day without you just so I can go to sleep in hopes of seeing you. Because that is what my life is now. I am trying my best to find the joy in the beautiful things that surround me, but the world seems so ugly without you. It’s as if the blue sky has disappeared, the birds have stopped singing, and the sun has stopped shining. I am thinking I am becoming severely depressed as I’m so tired of this life without you.

We are not going to Washington this summer to see Nana and Papa. It’s the first time that I haven’t been home during the summer in 18 years. Washington summers, especially after I had you boys, has always been one of my favorite places in the world. And to think last year, when we were there, your little body was so invaded with cancer. And we had no idea. We had the BEST time, just soaking up nature and enjoying the simplicity that comes with being there. It has always been such a peaceful place for me but this year, the thought of going there is much too painful for me to process. I’m so sad about missing the time with your Nana and Papa Jim as having you boys there for the summer makes their entire year. I feel like I’ve let your brothers down as they have been asking to go. I told them maybe for Fall Break. I tried to explain why I can’t take them there, but I don’t think they truly understand. I suppose anywhere we go, is going to be painful. But for some reason the thought of going to Washington without you is something I am not ready for. To be in my old bedroom, from when I was a teenager, where we spent every year, for the past 3 years together, snuggled up in my old bed…… I just can’t do it as of now. I don’t have the strength and that whole inner peace thing that I am now lacking would eat me alive if I were there. I’m sad about it and you know how much I am going to miss the time with Nana and Papa Jim. It is the first summer of missing so many things. Most of all, you.

So, I started reading this book called, “Growing up in Heaven.” I’m about 60 pages into it and I am really trying to keep an open mind about it as well as the author, as he claims to be a Medium whom can bring to light the journey of children who have passed from earth to heaven. You know I am all for that Medium stuff and I was hoping this book would give me some peace of mind. The first chapter or so, I was really getting into it. I then made the mistake of Googling this James Van Praagh guy as I was convinced that I needed to seek him out, asap, so he could help me get to you. Bad idea. As soon as I got to this guys website, I was instantly turned off. There was NOTHING authentic about it. It’s all glitz and glamour…. and it felt fake and phony. But guess what? For the small price of 4 grand, I can take a cruise with this dude and he will do a reading for me! I think I said it best when I sent a text today and it said how I was reading this book and how I was about to call BULLSHIT on James Van Praagh and his exceptional gift for communicating with the dead. So, I’m guilty. I’m totally judging a book by it’s cover. I’m a skeptic. Not because I don’t believe in things like this, because I truly do think that there are many people who are blessed with extra spiritual gifts in this world. But this man is talking about how the child’s spirit just comes to him and he is able to see them plain as day. I wish I could say thank you to this man because according to him, you are up in heaven, where everything is white and colorful, riding a fucking Shetland pony, all while getting an education AND helping others. If he would have left shit like that out, I may have bought what this guy is selling. Some of what he says, seems to be spot on with what I believe in about a person’s soul…. but the other stuff just seems like smoke and mirrors to me. He sure does have the part down about the grieving parent role though. Although, it is not rocket science. No shit that I feel like I have lost my identity, that I am in a robotic state, that I am numb. And no shit that physical fitness is a wonderful way to deal with stages of grief because I HAD NO IDEA that exercise releases endorphins into the bloodstream! This guy  is a genius!!! Oh Ro….. I have no idea where this feistiness from me has come from tonight…. you must be hanging around, channeling it into me. I loved it when I would call you feisty and you would scream back to me, “I NOT SPICY!” Still makes me laugh on the inside all of the time. I miss your little voice and how you would call me, “Mama.” Never mommy or Mom. Always mama. I miss it so much.

Anyway, back to the book baby. I’m being awful about it. But I’m going to finish it and I hope that I do end up believing in this guy because I would love nothing more, besides the obvious like you coming back, than to think that you are up in heaven, playing with your pony, helping others, and that you are so happy and free. I would love for that to be the truth because if you cannot be here with me, that is exactly where I would want you to be. Except the pony thing is a little weird. I’d rather have you playing with Master Yoda and Captain Rex instead.

I’m tired tonight my sweet boy. I’m going to take my Ambien and go to sleep with your brother, Quinn, who is right next to me. I love you so much. To the moon and back, forever and ever. Just you and me. Sweet dreams my monkey. I hope you are safe. You are forever loved.

xoxo

Yoga, Hiking, and Tears

What a busy, yet peaceful day. I started off my day joining my friend, Stacy, for a hot yoga class. An hour and 15 minute class where I was drenched in sweat and tears almost the entire time. I have not done a yoga class in years, but it has been something I have dying to get back into. It was almost too much… intensity wise. I felt broken, vulnerable, sad, yet strong and calm too. Stacy looked over at me at one point while we were standing up doing our poses and saw the tears pouring out of my eyes. She came over and held me for a minute and then asked if I needed water. She then goes, “What about Coconut Water? I have some!?” She made me laugh out loud at that one. Ah yes, Coconut Water makes everything all better. We had some after Yoga and it was the best Coconut Water that I’ve ever had in my life;) Thank you Stacy for the yoga today… I really hope to get a bunch of these classes in before we start isolation. It is a good way for me to let everything go and release all of the things I am feeling.

After yoga, I came home showered and got ready to head over to The Village for Liam and Quinn’s basketball game. I took Ronan with me. He was in heaven and spend a lot of the time helping Woody coach. He even had his own whistle hanging around his neck. It was adorable and he loved being out with his brothers. Liam and Quinn did great as always. They are such good little basketball players. Watching them play basketball is one of my favorite things to do in life. I am so thankful I was able to go today; it meant a lot to all of us.

After basketball we came home and I took a long nap. I think the hot yoga and all the crying I did this morning did me in and I had a bad headache the entire day. I felt better after I woke up and around 5 I headed out to church, a.k.a. hiking. I needed an active day today. It has been way too long since I’ve been in touch with nature and hiking is something that I have been missing so much. I ran up the mountain, watched the sunset, and prayed my ass off. It was one of the most gorgeous evenings tonight and hiking always clears my head. Today was absolutely perfect in every way.

The boys’ have their cousin, Luke, staying the night tonight. He is a fifth grader at their school and all three of my guys idolize him. Woody took them to play basketball at The Village and then to pizza tonight. If my boys’ turn out to be anything like Luke, I will feel like the most blessed mama in the world. He is a parents dream come true. Such a sweet soul, funny, and is so good with all of my boys’ but especially Ronan. We love having him here and spending time with him. I think it is really good for Liam and Quinn; it is good for them to have somebody to look up to who is a little closer to their age. Thanks Heidi for letting us borrow your Lukey. We love him like one of our own:)

Tomorrow we are having another low key day. I’m going to breakfast with a few girlfriends to go over isolation things in the morning and then we are planning on watching the Superbowl over at Uncle Jay’s house. He lives right around the corner so if Ronan gets too tired, I can just walk him home. I may try to sneak in another hike before my insanely busy week starts. My body is already beyond sore and it is a feeling that I miss so much. Before all of this exercise was my stress relief. It’s hard not to have the consistency of that in my life anymore as I don’t have any other outlets. I’ve got to make the most of these couple of weeks before transplant.

Ronan is curled up beside me. Luke has been in my room reading him some books and cuddling up with him. So cute… he loves to love on Ronan. It has been such a nice family night at home tonight.  We have really been needing this time together. I’m finally getting a little sleepy so time to shut things off. Hope you all had a great Saturday; thanks for checking in with us. Sweet dreams!!

xoxo

Christmas 2010

This  post was from last night. We have been having Wifi problems at the RMH. That’s why there have been lack of updates. I’ve missed you all and hope you had a great night last night. We had a beautiful time together and now the city is covered in a blanket of snow. Below is what I wrote last night. Love to you all.

Silent Night…. Holy Night…. All is calm… All is bright….

This is the lullaby that I have hummed to Ronan since he was born. I’m not sure why, but I hum or sing it to him every night before he goes to sleep. Since he was diagnosed, I’ve stopped singing it to him. I’ve taken the most beautiful song, and turned it into something crazy in my head, telling myself that I don’t want it to ever be a silent night because that means my baby will be up in heaven and not with us anymore. I’ve only told a few people about this… Tricia, Marisa, and Charisma. Charisma is the one who told me she understood, but really thinks the song is not about what I have turned it into. It has always been my favorite Christmas song; until now. What we are going through is so scary to me that I have taken one of the most beautiful things and turned it into something ugly and sad. Sometimes I feel as I don’t have control of the feelings and thoughts I have. How can I?? My baby has cancer; nothing will ever be the same.

We had a great Christmas morning. We stayed in our room, opened up gifts, and the boys could not have been happier. We were all together as a family and it was such a beautiful thing. As they were busy playing with their toys, I bundled up and braved the 29 degree temperature and headed out for my Central Park run. I ended up running 10 miles and it was beautiful, brisk, hard, and just what I needed. Before I came on this trip, I was telling a good friend of mine how I came here to run the NYC Marathon a couple of years ago and how I would never do another one again because it was so hard. He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye and goes, “Oh, you’ll do another one…. Just you wait and see.” As I was on about mile 7 tonight, I thought to myself… I am so coming back here when Ronan is all better to do this marathon again. I imagined Ronan waiting for me at the finish line, so proud of his mommy. I will run it for him, and for NYC. This is the city that is going to heal my baby and is healing his mommy as well. There is no place I’d rather be right now. Funny how this city feels like such a second home to me already. That is because it is full of all things magical, miracles, and it is all about taking that tumor out of Ronan. January 3rd cannot get here soon enough.

Tonight was bittersweet. I have been doing o.k. here at the RMH, but tonight my emotions got the best of me while we were doing the whole Santa thing with the boys and all of the other families here. They do such a beautiful job and are so generous with the gifts. I was standing up next to Woody and the boys, just kind of soaking it all in. Then the tears started and I couldn’t get them to stop. It was all too much. The room was full of the most beautiful kids, who are fighting so hard for their lives, but are still so happy. Then there were my 3 babies sitting there together; like it was just another Christmas. Woody pulled me down next to him and let me cry on his shoulder and tried to comfort me by whispering to me how lucky we are to all be together and that’s all that matters. He keeps telling me that together, we can get through anything. Team Thompson, as he likes to call us. He is such a good man. After awhile, the tears stopped but after the boys’ got their gifts I took Ronan up to his room. For one, he wanted to go, but two, I felt an anxiety attack coming on. Still not doing well in big social situations I guess.

I am fighting everyday to be brave and strong. Sometimes, this all still becomes too much. This will never become easy for me, everyday is a struggle. Imagine living everyday of your new life full of hurt, and watching everyone around you hurt as well. It is so hard, so unfair, but I know I just have to keep moving forward. I’m very thankful to be married to such a strong man. I would fall to pieces every second of the day if it were not for him.

That’s all for tonight. Time to cuddle up to my little boo and kiss that sweet, bald head of his for the millionth time today. He is our Christmas miracle, and he is the sweetest Christmas gift I have ever received. He is teaching us so many lessons along the way.

Love you all. Hope your holidays were so very, very blessed.

xoxo