Dear 11 Fucking Months. I think I hate you.

Ronan. This solitude thing… it’s alright. It’s necessary. I’m doing it as much as possible. As much as I can for still being among the living, while really being dead. That’s what I feel like lately. It’s o.k. It’s part of this process for me. For as much as I’m checking out, I am still checking in when I can with the people who love me the most. With the people who I love the most too. I’ve been spending most of the days, solo. Hiking for many hours. Trying to be mindful of the way I’m feeling and not trying to distract with busy, busy things. There is a time for that. It’s not now. Right now, it’s time to check in with myself and that’s about it. Right now is not the time for the business that usually consumes me. Thinking about the past few days I know a lot of things have gone on. I woke up this morning to an empty house due to your brothers staying the night at your Mimi and Papa’s. They were going to be gone all day long which I knew was more than I could handle… you know, the whole being home alone until the evening. I woke up and thought, “Fuck. This is not going to be a good day, if you are home until 5 or 6 tonight, in this quiet, empty house. I threw some things in a bag and headed out the door. I sent Dr. Jo a text that simply said, “Coming up there for the day to go hiking.” Up there being Sedona. Why not? It sounded like the perfect thing to do instead of a sad/lonely day at home. She told me to just come to her house when I got up there and we would go hiking, together. Even better.

I arrived around 11 to the one place that now feels like one of the safest places in the world to me. A place that fills me with solace and gratitude. The comfort of Dr. JoRo’s house and that beautiful place of Sedona that she lives. I am no fool. Without her I am quite sure I would not still be here. I’m not too proud to admit that she has pretty much saved my life. In a weird way I feel like she’s been waiting for me for a long time. Or rather, we’ve been waiting for each other. I’m quite sure we were supposed to meet in this life. Just fucking sucks it had to be this way. I’m just thankful I found her when I did because if I did not, I am sure I would be in a mental ward, doped up on 20 different drugs, because don’t you know, a pill makes everything better/go away. Fucking emotionally irresponsible bullshit that medication thing is. More on that later…

Dr. JoRo grabbed her expert friend/neighbor in all things Sedona/nature/trails to take us on a little adventure. It was a good 2 hour hike where we talked but in a quiet/respectful way. It as nice as nice can possibly feel. Much better than being at home, lifeless, in bed where everything hurts so much that I think the pain alone is actually going to kill me. We returned to her house where I gave her one last hug before she leaves for her trip to NYC. So wish I were going with her. Missing our favorite big city so much. After I left Jo’s I decided I was not ready to go home yet. I drove through Sedona to go on my own hike, with my non existent map. I found myself hiking through the trees, fighting with a lot of sticker bushes/ branches, and scaling the side of some huge rock to perch myself up on a cliff where I settled into a couple of hours of reading/writing/sitting with your blanket while the hot sun poured down on my shoulders. My own therapy for the day, I guess. I left Sedona and drove way too fast with the music blaring way too loud during the entire drive back to Phoenix. I let myself get lost in the world of Pearl Jam for a while which always makes me drive faster/miss you so much more.

I came home and your brothers were still gone. I jumped in the shower and decided I would meet Rita for a dangerous night out. We went to see “The Hunger Games.” This was totally dangerous for 3 reasons. 1) I never go to movies anymore. I have a hard time sitting still. 2) We went to some totally sketchy theatre (o.k. so not really… just downtown phoenix) 3) We went to “The Hunger Games.” A movie about kids killing kids. Or kids dying. Or if you have a dead kid, you should maybe not watch this movie. I didn’t really think about this, going into it. I didn’t really think about it until there was a scene where a little girl dies and they do such a good job making you feel it that I actually felt like I was the girl in the movie, kissing your lips for one last time and crying out like a mother who just lost her child. Feeling like the mother that I am who watched you die. I know what happens. I actually know what it really feels like in real fucking life and not just by watching it on a movie screen. Rita grabbed my hand and asked if I was o.k. I nodded yes as the hot tears slid down my cheeks. She held my hand until the scene was over and then asked if I wanted to leave. I told her no, that I was alright. I lied, but I really wanted to see the ending. It was a pretty good/entertaining in a Lord of the Flies kind of way, movie. One that I’m sure I would have loved before losing you because the reality of it would have never touched me, right? Yeah right. So we all walk through life, thinking. So thankful I don’t have that problem anymore, Ro. So thankful that I get to have you dead so I no longer know that I or anyone around me is immune to death. I fucking knew that before you. I talk to Jo a lot about how I always had a feeling that you were not going to be mine, forever. How I was never worried about you learning how to count to 100, how I never pushed education stuff on you the way I did with your brothers. I tell her I was always so happy and thankful for the exact moments we lived in. Not the next day moments. Not even the future. Just the present. Just when you were mine and I was yours in that exact second of the day. It made for the best/funnest life in the world. It made for the happiest life I’ve ever felt by just being with you. JUST BEING. There were no expectations. Everything was so pure and organic and real. It was just us and we really did whatever you wanted. You wanted to wash your trucks outside, naked, in the mud? Done. You wanted to rub your little dirty muddy hands all over our windows? Done. You wanted to spray our sliding glass doors with the hose? Totally! You wanted to color on them too? Alright! You want to stab our leather couch with a pen and make big holes in it, big deal, Ro. You were leaning/exploring/pushing boundaries the way you should have been. I was never going be the one to contain you creative mind. A mind that always seemed so much wiser than even mine. You knew what you were here to do. I truly believe that. I know you are still here, baby doll. It’s just the physical part of you that I miss so much.

Ronan. Holy shitballs I think I hate Easter. Actually, I don’t think I hate Easter, I know I hate Easter. Easter without you this year, sucked balls. And not in a good way. We didn’t celebrate Easter at all this year. We celebrated Feaster instead and it was awesome, for being not awesome. We spent the weekend hanging around the house. I cooked a Brisket and and taught your brothers about all things Passover. You cannot have a proper Feaster, without a little religion. So, we talked a lot about Passover and what it means. We went to our own church on Sunday which was in Sedona, at Oak Creek Canyon. We spent Sunday hiking, getting dirty, playing in the water and your daddy even jumped off the side of a cliff. We spent Sunday doing all things that you would have loved. I tried to have the best day possible by getting lost in the world of your brothers who seemed to have a wonderful time. I’m not going to lie. It was an exhausting day, for being as relaxing and peaceful as it was. There was not a better way for us to spend the day, but it was still brutal to spend our first/last holiday with you, without you. I was glad when the day was over and I was able to lay down and fall into my Ambien induced coma. I didn’t have a choice. Sometimes I just have all I can take during the day and fighting with my sleep last night would have thrown me over the edge. I fell into a black oblivion instead.

So, today is 11 months of fuckery. I spent it alone, on a mountain and at the car wash. I found myself at the car wash today and looking back now, as I sit here writing tonight, I can actually laugh at myself and the shit that happens to me on a daily freaking basis. Case in point, victim one today, Danny’s car wash dude.

-Danny’s car wash dude- “How was your Easter, Miss?

Me- “Shitty.”

DCWD- “Really? Why?”

Me- “Because I have a dead kid. Because my son is dead.” -insert flow of snot/tears here/dripping everywhere

DCWD- uncomfortable silence, “Ummm… what? Really? Well, um…. o.k. Well, are you o.k.? Like for real? Because you don’t seem o.k.

Me- “Oh my gosh. Um, yeah, totally o.k., I’ll really be fine.”

DCWD- “O.k… do you want your floor mats washed?”

Me- “Yeah, please. Thank you so much.”

You know what else happened? For the first time today, when some other dude at Danny’s Car Wash asked me how many kids I had, I said 2! I about threw up. I went to correct my mistake, but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth and I did not feel like explaining myself because I knew I would end up in hysteria. So, I freaked out in my head instead and just walked away, in a daze. That’s when I was approached by the other guy and that’s when the “I had a shitty Easter and I have a dead kid,” came flying out of my mouth. I am surprised I was able to drive my car after that whole incident today. I came home, threw myself in our bed, and sobbed. Then I put on my clothes and went inferno hiking in the hot, hot heat of the day. After my inferno hike, I came home, showered and picked up your brothers from school. I took them for a snack and off to the batting cages where we practiced baseball and all things fun. I didn’t know trying to have fun, would be so freaking hard Ronan. I just want to bury my head in the sand. But I continue to keep trying, for the sake of them and nothing else. Because those little boys’ deserve to have a mom who has not checked out, for as much as I want to, I just can’t. We came home and I was so tired. I helped them with their homework and after having all I could take, I found myself in my freaking bed, once again. Crying. This time, Quinn found me. He cuddled up next to me, and asked me what was wrong. I told him I just missed you. He sat with me as I cried for a few minutes (no mom guilt here at all) and I then made myself get up. We spent the rest of the evening at Uncle Jay’s house (lifesaver) swimming, eating pizza, and watching the Suns game. Thank GOD for that Uncle Jay of yours. Your daddy joined us and this shitty 11 month day is coming to an end.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of all of this shit in this fucking crazy world. It truly is insane, Ronan. I cannot watch the news/read the paper because of all the things that I just cannot believe are going on. Some lady flushed her baby down a toilet. Facebook just bought Instagram for a Billion dollars. Everyone and their mothers are getting their own “reality” shows. Nothing out there, makes sense to me. It all makes me angry. None of it matters. It’s all “stuff,” getting in the way of real reality like kids dying and parents struggling to stay alive and survive. And wait… why are all these kids with cancer still dying and still being over looked? Shouldn’t this problem be getting a little better? See what happens, when I take a break? A whole lot of nothing gets done. I did hear that Mattel is going to make the bald Barbie though. I have not read the details, due to being unplugged from everything but I hope it is true.

Dr. JoRo is in NYC now. She asked for a little list of some things she could for me, during her one day off. These are the things I told her to do.

1) Run in Central Park at night. Thinking she probably will not do this.

2) Visit Sloan Kettering and kick Dr. Kushner in the balls for me. (she could totally dress up like a Ninja and do this)

3) Eat Fro Yo at 40 Carrots inside Bloomingdales. (this might be a little safer and was one of our favs)

4) Eat Pizza at Delizia’s for us. (another one of our favs)

I miss her so much already. She is not a very big fan of our favorite little city. I am doing my best to make her into a New Yorker, without being there to actually do it. Next time:)

Alright baby boy. This is all for tonight. Yes, I’m still in hiding and I have still been hiking every single day for our month of mother fucking madness. And today, I was EXTRA dangerous and did not wear sunscreen. My inner rebel was loving it. I love you. I miss you. I’m so sorry. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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The circle of life…. sucks

We woke up early this morning and ready for our clinic day. Fernanda, who flew all night arrived just as we were getting ready and ran down the street before seeing us to grab me a coffee. Ronan and I went out on the street to meet her and I cannot tell you the wave of happiness that washed over me as I saw my friend and her gorgeous smile, waiting across the street for me with two coffees in her hands. I was so happy to see her and we held each other tight as we embraced for our hug. She has such a way with me and I am instantly comforted by her mothering instants. I often feel like she is not only helping me take care of Ronan, but she is so good at taking care of me as well. I usually have a hard time letting go and letting other people do things for me but with Fernanda, it just comes naturally. I feel like she is my female version of Woody, if that makes sense. She is a source of such strength and comfort to me, much in the way that Woody is. I always know that when Fernanda is around, that everything is going to be o.k. Trish asked me tonight how in the world Fernanda does it all. My reply was because she’s Mary Freaking Poppins. Seriously. There are not many women in the world like her. We have such a strong connection and I am often amazed at the way we sync so well. Many times, I will be thinking about her, and then 10 seconds later she will call or text me. Our minds seem to be thinking the same thing and all I have to do is look at her to know this. Words are sometimes not even necessary. I am so honored, blessed, and thankful to have her here with me. I will never get over her leaving her 5 beautiful babies and husband at home to help me and as much as I tell her this, she acts as if it is nothing, but it means the world to me.

After I reunited with Fernanda, we headed off to Sloan to get Ronan to the clinic for his platelets. He was not happy about going and being “hooked up,” as he calls it. But I assured him it would only be for a short amount of time. We arrived and the nurse got things moving pretty quickly. Ronan was entertained by Fernanda waiting on him hand and foot and we promised him a trip to Toys R Us after we were done. We finished with our platelets quickly and went to meet with one of  “The Team,” members to discuss the plan for the next couple of days as far as scans go. Ronan coroporated for his exam and we were soon out of the door and off to enjoy the rest of the day. We decided to walk to Toys R Us, which was about 3 miles away but Fernanda and I agreed that the exercise and fresh air would be good. Almost as soon as we started our walk, Ronan fell asleep in the stroller and remained that way the entire trip there. It was a fairly wet, dreary, New York day, but I am such a sucker for this weather that I enjoyed walking in the rain.

Toys R Us was a hit but it was packed full of so many people. With Passover, Easter, and Spring Break here, the streets of New York are just as busy as Christmas. We couldn’t escape there soon enough and hailed a cab back to RMH instead of walking again. Fernanda picked up food at Delizia’s for us and we ate it together on the second floor in the community dining area. After lunch, she headed back to where she is staying so she could get in a little nap. Ronan and I were both tired too, so we came back to our room to rest. Before we came back to our room we went to check to see if we had any mail. We were told we did and it was a big box from our favorite little boys’ line; Fore!! Axel&Hudson. We took the box up to our room and I helped Ronan open it up. It was full of the most adorable clothes and hats for Ronan, as well as the cutest little girl Fedora hats. I handed out the hats to a bunch of the girls here and they were so excited. I think the moms were more excited as they kept trying to see if they would fit their heads. It made me feel so good to light up the faces of these beautiful girls today. Thank you Denise, for allowing me to hand out such amazing gifts. Ronan, being the stylish kid he is, lit up like it was Christmas. He kept trying to wear three hats on his head at once as he said he couldn’t choose because he loved them all. Denise, if you are reading this, please know that you and your company are absolutely amazing to support pediatric cancer the way you do. You are inspiring, brilliant, and if the world were full of more people like your company, it would be a much better place. Not to mention, the quality of your clothes are to die for! I am so proud to put my little Rockstar in your gear. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Everybody needs to check out their website, I should have a link on the side of my blog. I will forever support you and your clothing line. It makes Ronan’s day to be all dressed up in your adorable boy clothes and hats.

After we woke up, Fernanda texted me to say she was ready to come back over so I could go on a run while she watched Ronan. My run didn’t end up happening as we went across the street to Barbra’s apartment, who runs the organization Candlelighters, as she had a Star Wars treat for Ro and I wanted her to meet him anyway. We stayed for about an hour and enjoyed the company of Barbra, her husband, another mom, and her son, Jack. It was soon getting late so we headed out to grab dinner before Ronan got too tired. We sat and I ate for Fernanda. She talked me into some protein and asked if I really wanted to eat it or if I was just doing it for her. I told her it was all just for her and I did the best I could on the food in front of me. She is such a mother hen, which is a very good thing for me now. There was some awful woman sitting next to us at dinner and I was wondering if I was the only one picking up on it, but I gave Fernanda my look and I knew she knew it too. She kept looking at Ronan and it was if she wanted to throw up her dinner. She kept giving us the dirtiest looks and I wanted to say to her, “I’m sorry, if the fact that my child has cancer bothers you so badly that you can’t  eat.” The look of disgust on her face was so obvious that I wanted to go over and strangle her. When we were walking out we got a few more looks or more like complete stares. I noticed them all and Fernanda did too. She totally gets what I was talking about yesterday on my blog. The staring is everywhere. If you’re at least going to stare, have the balls to come up to me and say “God bless you.” Or “We’ll keep him in our prayers.” Don’t just be rude and stare. Grow some fucking balls and be proactive about him, who has a name. His name is Ronan Thompson, and he lives on this fucking planet. Stop acting like he’s from outer space. Somethings gotta change because if this  keeps going on, I may go postal on someone’s ass. After dinner we came back to RMH and played with Ronan. He was tired from todays events, as we all were. Fernanda hailed a cab and went back to her place. After she left, Ronan decided he was still hungry and he wanted scrambled eggs to eat. I happily made them for him with extra butter and extra cheese. Anything to fatten my baby up. We sat while he ate and talked with some of our friends here. I’m not going to go into details but I am saying extra prayers tonight for a very special little girl here whose mother I have fallen in love with. She isn’t doing too well and watching what the mother and father are going through is heart wrenching. It is a place that no parent wants to be and all I can say is another big Fuck You to cancer because there are no other words.

While I was taking Ronan upstairs to get ready for bed I was talking to Woody. I guess he told me last night but I was asleep and don’t remember our conversation, but our little wiener dog, Monroe, passed away. As soon as he said those words the conversion we had the night before slowly started to creep into my head. I started sobbing hysterically. Our two dogs, Monroe and Douglas haven’t lived with us for about 3 years due to trying to sell our house, then selling it and moving into our new house, so they have lived with Woody’s parents who also had 2 wiener dogs. While my 2 were there, one of their dogs passed away so we just ended up leaving our 2 so they could be with the one dog Kay and Charlie had left. They were happy there, together, and Woody’s parents have the perfect back yard for the 3 little musketeers. We missed them a lot but life all of a sudden got so busy, and we would spend time with them when we went over to their house. Little Ro, as we called her was an itty bitty thing. She loved to lick you and be held and was always shivering because she was cold. She was the sweetest thing. Hearing that she passed away hit me harder than I though it was going to, considering what we are dealing with now. It still made me very upset as it’s watching the cycle of life and that is never an easy thing. Woody bought those dogs for me before we got married. They were our first, “babies.” Tonight, I will say a little prayer for my little mohawked Monroe. She was the best puck rock Dachshund that ever lived. R.I.P little Ro. I’m sure we’ll hear your barking all the way down from heaven:) We all loved you so much.

So tomorrow. Ronan has a CT scan at 11:30 and we are tying to do it without anesthesia which I totally think he can handle. We of course need this scan to be good and I know they will be good. I have faith, hope, and love surrounding me at all times, so it cannot go another way. Please pray for him extra hard tonight. I will update you as soon as I can.  Thank you all my beautiful souls. You keep me strong when I am at my weakest and you push me forward when I think I can go no more. With all of you on our side, we can get my baby boy through this. Cancer has no idea how strong of a child he is and who they are messing with. They picked the wrong Ronan “Fucking” Thompson. I wonder when Ronan does beat this if they would really let me change his middle name to that. I’m sure not, but writing it out cracked me up tonight. He surely deserves it. My strong son, my strong boy, he will not be defeated. He is going to come out the other side of this with such determination to do amazing things in life. I cannot wait to see what kinds of things he comes up with and I will fully support him in everything he does. A mothers love is an unrivaled force of nature.

Ambien kicking in. I’d better get off this computer before I start writing crazy things. Good thing I don’t have a car to drive;) Totally kidding. I am going to cozy up in my twin sized queen converted bed with the most beautiful boy in the world. Just don’t tell my husband.

G’nite peeps!!!! Have a beautiful day tomorrow. G’nite Daddy Woo, Liam, and Quinn. Miss you!

Extra special G’nite to my twins’ 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Martin. Hope you had a beautiful birthday day, Cindy. You deserve it so much for being the best teacher we’ve ever had. We love you so much.

xoxo