I live my life for you

Ronan. Ouch. Ouch doesn’t come in the form of you hurting from your broviac dressing changes we used to do every week. Ouch doesn’t come in the form of the pokey shots we used to have to give you after you finished your round of chemo. Ouch now comes in the form of living this life. This life without you. It comes in seeing all of the little kids who are your age running around the beach. It comes in the form of seeing the beach towel today that had your Paul Frank monkeys all over it. It comes in the form of my obsession with taking pictures and you are now missing in every one of them. You are just gone. I’m waiting for you to appear in a picture of your brothers, right in the middle where you used to always be. It is beyond weird not having you around to take pictures of, Ronan. You were such my little ham and I used to absolutely die over talking pictures of you and your big blue eyes. I miss you so much it hurts. The pain is not getting any better. I still think it is getting worse as the days go on and I watch everyone else in life with their beautiful kids. I sit and wonder to myself, do they know how lucky they are? How lucky they are to be able to just hold the hand of their little ones to cross the street? How lucky they are to deal with a tantrum or go through the terrible twos? Those people I watch from my new set of eyes are so unbelievably lucky. I find myself sitting back a lot now and just absorbing my surroundings and wishing for you. I want to scoop up every little person I see and tell them I love them, because I do. They all remind me of you in different ways. The little boy with the blue eyes, the little girl with the mischievous smile, the laughter and innocence that these little people are so blessed to have and they don’t even know it. And they shouldn’t know it; but their parents should. I hope so much that all these people who are touched by your little life now take the time to be grateful for having something so simple and beautiful. I hope they kiss and love their kids so much more now. That is my wish for you, Ronan. After you passed away, I sat and kissed your little cold lips about a dozen times. I wanted to sit in that room with you and kiss you forever. Instead, I now get to sit and cry about how I will never be able to kiss your little lips again. You had the best lips too. They were so full and soft. Your daddy and I were talking about you the other day and how unbelievably perfect you were. I keep thinking you were too perfect for this world? Your beauty was unlike anything that I have ever seen before. I don’t understand why you had to be taken away from us. I will never understand this which is why something has to be done, Ro. After this summer is over, I’m going to figure out a plan. I have got to help other kids like you who deserve to survive this disease. I will do it for you and in your honor. I know this will not bring you back, but I know it is something that would make you proud and smile. I miss your smile so much.

Yesterday, I laid in bed for a long time and held your blanket and cried. I cry about you all of the time now because I am constantly feeling the emptiness of life without you. No more shock, no more numbness. Your brothers have been taking really good care of me though. Quinn likes to lay with me when I am sad and we talk about you. He falls asleep holding my hand much like you used to always do. You have the most amazing brothers, Ronan. I thank god for them everyday of my life. I don’t know what I would do without them. We are slowly finding our way back together. They have had such a great time being little beach bums with their cousins, Jake and Carter. It is so therapeutic to watch them grow close to their cousins. It gives me a lot of peace of mind. One of the most beautiful things to come out of this has been seeing all the new bonds and relationships that have been formed. I said this the other day to someone….. that one of the things I treasure most is how I’ve watched my beautiful girlfriends all come together and the new friendships that have come from this. The bond that they have all created is such a gift to me. They have all given me such a gift by helping me through this that I hope this gift is something that I have given to them. It’s been like watching a puzzle slowly come together and I know the friendships that have been formed will be friendships for life. We are all like sisters now. I watched the way they all came together for our family and for you. They fought and continue to fight for us. I never knew what a powerful thing love could truly be, baby. It was only when you got sick that my eyes were opened up to a whole new world. It is a beautiful world indeed, but I so wish I was learning this lesson through something else rather than losing you. I don’t know how we are going to heal without you, Ronan. I think our new life is going to have to drastically change. It’s going to have to have a much bigger purpose, a much bigger meaning than living in the little bubble that we lived in before all of this. We are working on the healing part of this a now. Baby steps. The ocean. Family time. New adventures. Simpleness. I can’t tell you how exactly we are doing this, but the fact that we all get up everyday and somehow manage to smile is a good enough start for me. It is all we can do right now, Ronan.

Today, Quinn and I were taking our usual walk to Starbucks. I had on my sunglasses, fedora hat…. my usual, “hello I just woke up look on and I’m going into town.” We were walking on the boardwalk and this girl and her boyfriend passed us. I only noticed her because she had some flannel shirt on and I thought how cozy and cute it looked. A minute later, I heard someone running up behind me and she goes, “Maya!” I turned around and it was the girl in the cute flannel shirt. She then told me how she reads my blog. I was shocked  she recognized me and I asked her name and introduced her to Quinn. She introduced me to her boyfriend and I asked where she was from; she said Arizona. It was so random and so sweet. So to Allie today, thanks for having the guts to run up to me and say Hi. It was really nice to meet you:) Enjoy the rest of your time here, although I think you are leaving to go back to AZ soon. I hope you had a nice trip here.

After we returned back to our place, we met up with Stacy who is here for the week with her kiddos and Kenny. So fun to have them here with us. We split up since I had a surfing date with Katie and Sarah. We took lessons today and I’ll have to say it could become my new obsession. For the first time in 9 months, I had to fully forget about everything in my life and focus on fighting to get up on that board, stay up, and concentrate like I have not had to concentrate on just myself in a very long time. We stayed out in the ocean for about 3 and a half hours today. It was just what I needed and I loved every second of it. I’ve always wanted to surf. So stupid that I’ve waited so long to try something that I’ve always wanted to do. There were always too many excuses before. Well, not anymore. I’m done making excuses, Ronan. I’m going to live a life full of passion and adventure and I’m going to do it not only for myself, but for you too. Life is too short to let things hold us back. All fear is out the window. I’m done being scared. You were never scared of a thing in your life. You have left me this gift and I will keep living this way for you. I owe you so much for teaching me so many lessons. You are my hero, Ronan. You are my everything.

That is all for this evening little man. I love you to the moon and back. I will keep you in my heart forever. Sweet dreams, my love.

xoxo