My Ro. I miss you so.

 

 

 

 

Ronan. I think it’s been a few days since I’ve written. The days are still creeping along, ever so slowly. You’re still gone and I am still here. Barely. We are still at the beach. It’s getting closer to the time when we will leave this place, and return home. The thought of that makes my stomach turn. Back to reality. In a big way. Back to life going on, without you here. Your brothers will return to school and life will move forward. I don’t know how I am going to do this without you. It doesn’t seem possible.

I’m not really sure how the days have been going by; but they have. My memory is still foggy as I sit and try to recall how we’ve spent our time. A little time at the beach, eating out, seeing some movies, running….. I think I’ve slept a lot. Mostly just laying in bed, missing you. Not really living as I’m still not ready to. I had dinner with your daddy last night. It was a sad dinner. Everything with him is sad because we are both so sad about you. We talked about you a little, but dinner was mostly filled with silence and small talk. We saw a movie afterwords and it was really hard for us both to sit though it. My lack of concentration is distracting to everything I do, even trying to sit through a mind numbing movie. You would think things like that would be easy for me, but they are not. Even the simplest things have become difficult.

I think I’ve been avoiding phone calls. Crap. I haven’t called your Nana back in a week. Grandpa Steve has called for weeks and I haven’t returned his phone calls either. I’d really just prefer it if I weren’t here in this world anymore to worry about returning phone calls or having people worry about me. I just wish I were with you. Not my choice though, I know. I miss you more than ever.

I’m reading a new book. I like it so far, although I’m not that far into it. It’s called, “The Other Side of Sadness.” It’s basically about the way the mind works when losing a loved one. It is making sense to me as it’s more of a scientific approach to the way the mind and body work when dealing with so much pain. I think I’ll finish it in a few days, but it takes me longer to read books now. I used to fly right though them, absorbing everything easily. Now, I find myself having to go back and re read things and taking the words at a slower pace. It’s as if I’m becoming an entirely different person. Even the way I read a book is fucking different now. Just when I thought I had myself and life all figured out. Turns out, I knew nothing and I only really existed as the person I was, due to being your mom. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be without you. You were such a big reason to why I was the way I was. That person seems gone. I do get glimpses of her every once in a while. Certain people bring out parts of me that I miss so much. Macy is one of them. So are Liz and Olivia. I guess it’s because I feel so comfortable around them. One second I can be looking at Macy, and we will both be crying about you and a second later a song will come on and the next thing I know we are singing our lungs out together to an old school song, while laughing so hard we can hardly breathe. Thank god for those moments…. I need to be around people who make me laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. For a few minutes a day, it makes me happy again.

I started Liam and Quinn in a camp over here today. They desperately need something to keep them busy, especially Quinn. He’s been really clingy to me which is understandable, but also not healthy for either of us. They both seemed to think it was o.k. and the will go back all week. I am hoping they will like it a little more tomorrow. I think it looks like a really fun camp, but I know for Quinn it’s just that he is separated from me and worries about where I am, what I’m doing, and if I’m coming back. He seems unsure about everything no matter how much I try to convince him that nothing is going to happen to me. What I really want to do is scream that he is absolutely right, that he is so fucking smart, that there are NO guarantees in life, and something could happen to me, as they could happen to any of us at any time of the day, because they can. Look at you, baby. My healthy, strong, baby boy who had this fucking cancer eating away at his body and nobody knew it. Quinn is completely right, completely intuitive, but that is not proper knowledge for an 8-year-old to know. It’s my job as his mom, to reassure him that everything is going to be o.k., when I know this in fact, could be a fucking lie. I am trying my best to protect the shred of innocence that your brothers have left. They have had to learn such a very hard lesson, one that a child should never have to learn. I have to make a choice with this lesson. I can either let it destroy them, or make them in to better human beings because of it. I am working on making them better human beings, trying to take losing you and the lessons that have come with it and turning it into something positive. It feels like such bullshit to me though because it’s not the truth. The truth is this is totally fucked and they shouldn’t have had to learn such a hard life lesson this way. All I really want to do is hide in bed, cry, and scream and let your brothers do the same. I can’t though. I have to go on, I have to give them what tiny pieces of me that I have left. I am giving them everything I have, but it is not much. They really are amazing little boys though. Such good, sweet, funny, smart, boys. Liam has the mind of a 30-year-old and Quinn and his memory that blows me away. I do find myself blown away during many points of the day over things that they say or do. Life has so quickly gotten ahead of me and it’s as if I cannot catch up, no matter how hard I try.

O.K. baby. I think I’m tired now. It’s 2:30 a.m. Ambien is kicking in. UGH. Once again I had so much more to say to you but just cannot do it tonight. Just know I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. G’night my Ro baby. Love you forever.

xoxo

 

Just say no to death do us part…….. time to update wedding vows people. What if your child died? Did you ever think about that while saying them???

Ro

Ronan. Hi my love. I hope you had a good day. That sounds so weird to say, because how could any day possibly be good when we are apart?? I miss your giggles so much. The world is so empty without them. I know I say this all the time, but I would give anything to have you back. I tell you all the time to please take me with you. I know you can’t, as you wouldn’t do that to your daddy or brothers but I miss you so much.

Today was a long day. The kind of days that I seem to have pretty often now that you are gone. I managed to keep Quinn busy though. We hung out at our place and then I took him and Olivia for lunch. We came back to the condo after and hung out. Olivia helped me clean everything as we needed to get ready for Liam and Papa Jim’s arrival. She is such a big help to me. Quinn looks up to her like a sister and she is a really good playmate for him. He gets lonely when she is gone as he loves having her around. I do too.

After we cleaned, we got ready and met up with Liz. The 4 of us walked and had sushi. It was a nice dinner but it always feels weird to be doing things without you. Between, Quinn, Olivia, and Liz, I was able to keep it together as they all provided much laughter. We walked around the island a bit and started making our way back to The Shores. As we were crossing the street, I looked up at locked eyes with a mama who was pushing her little boy in a stroller. I was dying inside because of her little boys amazing, curly, red hair. I smiled at her and she looked at me and goes, “Maya!” She approached me and introduced herself and gave me a warm hug. She follows this blog as does her sister whom I had the pleasure of meeting as well. We have mutual friends and the friends we are all friends with are GEMS….. so I know these two women must be as well:) We chatted for a few minutes and I managed to only get choked up once. It was so sweet, so rewarding, and it just felt good to hear them say that they think about you everyday. How I will never be without you because you live in each and every one of them. How you’ve inspired them to do something more with their lives. Nothing will ever be worth losing you for, Ro. But in losing you, people are finding what it truly means to live a life you are grateful for. Do I hate that it has to be you and me teaching this lesson? Absolutely. But we cannot control our fate, our destiny, what is being set out in front of us. It is not up to us so we have to just give in and trust that this is what our purpose in life is supposed to be. To help others see their way, to help them be more grateful and kind, to let them help us by raising awareness for you and Neuroblastoma or childhood cancer in general.

As I was talking to those two beautiful ladies today, I honestly felt you there by my side. It was weird. At one point, I looked down at my feet to see if you were there. That is how much I felt your presence. I then looked over at Liz and gave her a teary smile. Liz is my home, my heart, part of my soul. She gets it. She knew you were there today too….. I could tell just by looking at her. I was honored to meet both of you today and just wanted to tell you thank you again for loving and supporting strangers whom you didn’t even know, until today. I can’t wait to see you again.

After our “meeting random strangers,” whom I don’t know but they pretty much know everything about me…. which is weird but I’m oddly comfortable with it….. we went back to our condo. It as time to get ready to pick up Liam and Papa Jim at the airport. It’s been nice having some one on one time with Quinn. He’s really opened up to me and we had some pretty intense conversations. He is like a little sponge and never forgets anything I do or say. I got to watch him open back up to me again and he told me how hard it was on him to not have me around to take care of him when Ronan was sick. I told him I knew, and that it was hard on everybody. But we didn’t have a choice. We had to take care of Ronan the best we could and I’m sorry that I had to be away from him for so long. I hope he will forgive me. I would have done the same thing for him and I tell him this all the time. I just hope he really believes it. An 8 year olds mind is such a fragile thing when dealing with a tragedy. I don’t have all the answers and this is when the therapy will come into play when we get back. I recognize that we all will be needing it pretty intensely.

I was thinking about this the other night on one of my runs. For some reason I started thinking about wedding vows. The whole, “Until death do us part.” I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I thought to myself, I’ll bet when people say those vows, they don’t take into consideration if the child would be the one to die….. would death do them part?? I think people say that vow just thinking of one another, as man and wife; never a child because that is just too horrific and does not happen. WRONG. BIG FAT LIE. It happens. And I am so freaking glad Woody and I did not say those vows to each other. Not that they are awful…. but we are just different. We had E.J. Kotalik marry us because it was important to us to make them a part of our family. I never knew how much we would truly need them. We now need them more than ever. We didn’t read the traditional vows. We read a poem by E.E. Cummings, instead. One of my favorites:::::

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

It was perfect for us and still is. And whomever is telling my mom the statistics for people who divorce after the death of a child….. Seriously needs to stop. This is not something a grandmother who has just lost her grandson and who is worried sick about her daughter, needs to hear. I know the statistics, Woody knows them. We know who we are. We know that throughout all of this, we’ve stayed on the same page with pretty much everything. We know we are each others best friends. He has my heart and I have his. Forever. End of story. We don’t do drama, we don’t do hurt, we don’t do fighting (unless you count the time I threw a slurpie at his head) We do love. We love our twins. We love each other. We are not going to let cancer ruin anything else for us. MOTHERFUCKERCANCER. You’re not taking anything else away from me. You took the most precious thing that has ever been mine and I will fight you until you die and exist no more. YOU FUCKWAD.

Oye! Ronan! I’d better be signing off now. Before I get too bloody out of control! I love you my not spicy favorite monkey. I hope you are safe. I hope someone is taking good care of you. I just want you back here with me. Please. This life is too hard without you. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK RO.

xoxox