Ronan. Yesterday was one of those beautifully bittersweet days that will forever be. We spent the day at home, together enjoying each other and just taking it easy. I cooked an apple pie while Macy made her pumpkin. Fernanda came by with a turkey that she had made for us. She brought her 5 kiddos, too. I got to get in some hugs and kisses from her sweet baby girls who are 4. I think about that a lot. How they are just a little older than you, before you left this world. I like to sit back and watch them and imagine what you would have been like if you had ever had the chance to be their age. If you would have been here, you would have been running around with your brothers and Fernanda’s boys, shooting toy guns and playing some hide and seek game with them. You would have been in the middle of everything. Fernanda and her gang soon left just as our other friends started to arrive.
Mandy came with her family. Melissa came with hers. Uncle Jay stopped by, too. Soon our house was filled with the warmness and happiness that it sometimes lacks. The girls got all the food ready while the guys watched the football game that was on T.V. The kids all played outside, throwing the football and playing hide and go seek. Melissa’s daughter hung out with us and we did girly things like paint her nails. With sparkles of course. We all sat down for dinner, in the most informal way. Just the way we like it. The kids at one table and all the adults kind of scattered about. All of the girls, sat around our dining room table. The guys went back and forth between us and the football game they were immersed in. It was a nice, low-key dinner. Your absence was so very present though. There is never a time where we aren’t thinking about your or missing you. That goes without saying, always. At one point during dinner, Melissa quietly said a little something about you. That is one of the reasons I appreciate her so much. It’s the little things, such as her simply saying for as thankful as she was to be with all of us, in our home for Thanksgiving, that the reason we were all together was so sad. It is due to your absence that we were in the company we were in. It is so true. It’s because of you, that we are surrounded by our dear friends, some whom we wouldn’t have known if it wouldn’t have been for going through something as awful as this. I started to cry at the table, Macy next and everyone else soon followed. Tears and turkey it was. Tears and turkey it will always be. After dinner, we let the kids beat the shit out of a piñata that has become a tradition of ours during Macegiving. They had such fun doing it but once again, even during all the giggles and excitement, I couldn’t help but think of how unfair that you were not there, to join in on the fun. You would have loved our untraditional holiday, so very much. Pinata’s, mexican food, mullets, mustaches, fireworks and a bit of turkey, too. That’s how we roll on Macegiving. It was a night full of love, laugher, and sadness. Another holiday down. I was just glad to have gotten through it and I was even more glad when it was over. Holidays will never be the same for me again. They just don’t have much meaning for me anymore. They have become something that I feel our world puts so much silly importance on, while the real meaning gets lost in translation. Why do we sit around one day a year and take that one day to try to be thankful for all that we have? Shouldn’t it be like this every single day that we are alive and healthy? I swear I heard more about Black Friday then the actual being thankful for Thanksgiving. That makes me want to vomit. It’s the real world petty bullshit that I have such a hard time with. All week I felt like covering my eyes and ears to all that was going on around me. I don’t want to hear about all the amazing black friday sales. I don’t want to hear about the fightings and shooting over all the sale item stuff. Because at the end of the day, that’s all it is, is stuff. And as we all know, stuff isn’t what matters most in life. But fuck, do people sure act like jackasses about it. Clearly, these people have never watched a kid die from cancer, right? And if so, then I don’t really even have words for that. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bargain in life. But when it comes the day after I was supposed to sit around and be thankful for all that I ALREADY have, well that to me just seems a little ironic. And stupid. And I want nothing to do with it.
The day after Thanksgiving we didn’t do anything. I was wiped out, Macy was wiped out, everybody seemed to have an emotional hangover. We stayed at home. Cuddled. Watched some movies. Took naps. Ate. I felt like I was in a coma. I forget how the emotionally exhausting these holidays are for me until they hit me the next day. Holidays are exhausting regardless. Add a dead child to that and times it by 1000. It is almost unbearable at times. I knew that I could take one day to gather my strength back up but once Saturday came, I was going to have to face the day. I was glad when Saturday arrived as I had a plan of action. I do much better in the world when I’ve got a plan in place. Without one, I feel like I am just floating around, trying to make it through the day without wanting to slit my wrists. A plan for me, keeps me focused and in line. It’s almost my lifeline in a way.
Macy and I ran around getting some things for your Candy Cart, Ro. We had made a plan with Phoenix Children’s Hospital to do your candy cart on Saturday. In my mind, I was thinking about all of those kids, stuck in the hospital who didn’t get to go home for the holiday. In my mind, I knew of a way that I could bring some smiles to their faces in a really easy way. In my mind, I was also selfishly thinking of me and how I knew doing something like this, for others helps me to get through rough things like Thanksgiving. I also knew your Macy would be honored to be a part of it. I was so excited when Saturday came around it was all you and these kids. We decked out your cart with candy and toys. Thanks to the awesome company, Spirit Hoods, we also had some really great animal inspired hoodies to give out as well. Remember how we used to wear ours in the hospital all the time? How soft they are and how warm they kept your little bald head? They contacted me a while ago and asked if they could send me a bunch. I was of course, over the moon about that. Their hoods make such perfect sense to give to all of these bald-headed babes. Stacy, Mandy Bee and Macy all helped me with the cart at PCH. You should have seen the smiles that I got to see today. You should have seen the way the kids’ faces lit up over the goodies that we brought. You should have seen the way that I felt a little bit happy, being able to do something so wonderful in honor of you. You might think after going through all of this, that I would never want to walk on an oncology floor again? Not true. It is the only place I feel sane in. It is the only place I feel like I belong. Not only did I get to make the kids smile today, but I got to make some parents smile as well. That to me, means just as much. We ended your candy cart day by walking to the elevators and I hadn’t really seen any of us cry yet. I looked over at your Macy and saw her wiping away her tears. That gets me every time. Once she starts, I start and then there is no stopping it. She said something ridiculous like, “I’m sorry. I have a crying problem.” I laughed and thought to myself…”A crying problem? I don’t think so. More like the biggest most genuine heart I’ve ever seen anybody in my life, have.” I don’t know what I would do without that girl, Ronan. I thank my lucky stars every single day that she came into our lives when she did. I thank my lucky stars every single day that I watched the two of you, fall head over heels in love with each other. I thank my lucky stars that she is still here and is still one of my very best friends. Thank you, Ronan for our New York Miss Macy. She is my sunshine during these very dark days.
I’m tired. It’s late. I miss you, so very much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.