Clarity. It’s what I’ve found tonight. It came in many different forms. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. Darling(P.S., SB… that’s your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. that my New York Miss Macy made me. Clarity tonight is mine and I’m not letting it go. It’s as if my eyes have been blurred with a film of fog for months now, and the fog has finally been lifted. I have fought so many things, trying so hard to push away all the good and beautiful things I have in my life because I feel as if I don’t deserve them. Because I feel if Ronan is in so much pain, that I deserve to feel nothing but pain as well. I know that the pain that I feel most of the time is not going anywhere anytime soon… but I do deserve to have beautiful moments in my life such as tonight. I deserve these things because I am a good, true person who says what she feels and feels what she says. I am ready to feel again, something besides sadness and numbness. I am ready to feel these things because although sometimes I get caught up in the scariness and ugliness of our situation; I know what the outcome is going to be. Ronan is going to be fine. He is going to make it thought this and I have to remember to hold on to my grace and dignity. ( Thank you, CC for saving my life the other night;) Grace and dignity because after all of this is said and done; I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to look back at this journey and know that I would not have changed a thing about the way I handled all of this. Is my honesty a fault? I don’t think so, although others may say differently. This is me, this is my life, and you all get to watch the way it plays out in the way I handle things. I am not afraid to put all of this out there as I have nothing to hide. My truth is empowering to me and everyday I am learning something new about myself and the world around me.
My husband, has fought for months to get me back because he has watched the way I’ve pushed everything and everyone away. He hasn’t ever given up on me and tonight I was finally able to tell him everything I have been feeling and thinking. He knew all of it already and told me the story of how he never wanted to get married. He never thought he would marry because he didn’t think anyone was special enough to share his life with. That was until he met me. I was the one who changed his mind, I was and am the only one for him. He asked me tonight if I was sure if I still wanted to be with him. I told him I had never been more sure of anything in my life. I have been numb for months now, but ever since New York I have slowly been making my way back to Woody. I love that man with every bone in my body and I know I was meant to drift away from him so I could come back stronger than ever. So we could come back stronger together. I know this because I knew on our first date when I was just 21 years old, that I was going to marry Woody. I may have drifted, but I didn’t go far, and a lot has to do with the fact that he refused to give up on me. Not only has Woody been fighting for the life of our child, but he has been fighting for me as well. Until you go though something as devastating and hard as this, you have no idea how easy it is to just give up on everything. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this without my husband and I can’t do this by myself. I need him more than ever. He needs me just as much and I have to go back to being a wife to him. Yes, Ronan is my number one focus…. but the neglect that my husband has felt is not o.k. He deserves so much better. Being with Woody feels so good to me, but it also hurts so much. Looking into his eyes is like looking into a reflection of my own eyes which are filled with so much pain and sadness. But at least I have him to share this with and someone who knows what I am feeling and understands. He is the only one in my life who truly gets it and I cannot push him away any longer. It just makes everything so much more difficult. He is my best friend, he is the one who is going to fight this battle with me. We can do this together; we have no choice because I am tired of trying to be the strong one and do this on my own. Woody wants me to let him in again; and I am ready to let him in. I want my husband back; I have missed him so much.
I don’t often speak of the things that go on with Woody and I but tonight I am getting personal. Everybody should know what a toll this takes on a marriage. I am just thankful that our foundation and marriage was so strong before all of this which in turn will help us get though this. We are going to look back a year from now and know that we just survived Hell, and that we did it together. How many people can say that?? Not many. We have 3 gorgeous sons that need their parents and two parents who are crazy about each other. Yes, Woody… I will grow old with you and it will be the happiest day of my life. Thank you for fighting for me and for us. I am here and cancer can Fuck off because it is not going to destroy my marriage. We are way too strong for that.
I have met some of the most amazing people through out all of this. Tonight, I owe everything to Mr. Sparkly Eyes.. for never judging, always being honest, and for loving me and my family. Also, to Mrs. Darling, I too have the most insane intuition which is one of the reasons I feel such a strong connection to you…. having you tell me tonight about what you are feeling meant the world to me, because I feel the exact same way. I do not think you are a kook in any way. You are such a blessing to me. New York Miss Macy… for being my ears tonight and making me great music to help escape the dark hospital nights. Great music makes everything all better. And to my Wooddawg. For being the most amazing husband alive and for knowing that I am worth fighting for and for bringing me back to you. I’ve missed you so much.
Ronan’s ANC was at 80 today…. his little bone marrow is trying so hard to come back. We will find out tomorrow if they have come up even more. Hoping, but it does not look like we will be getting out of here anytime soon. Thank you to Sarah and Stacy for helping me today so I could get out of the hospital for most of the day and actually pick my twins up from school. They were so happy to see me:) You girls have no idea how much your help means to me. Thank you so much. Love you both.
Woody often tells me songs remind him of me. This says everything perfectly tonight. I love you, Wooddawg. I will love you forever too.
Coldplay : Green eyes
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind
Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
P.S. After 12 years of being with Woody, he still to this day, ALWAYS, opens the door for me.
G’nite beautiful souls out there. Sweetest dreams. I hope you all have someone in your life that makes you feel just as special as Woody does me. Love and health are the two most important things in life. <3<3 If you have them both, you are the luckiest people alive.