You are a goddess. For sitting with me tonight and taking me away from this awful place even though we never left. I love you, your friendship, your husband and your kids. You are the truest of the true and I am so honored to be a part of you life. I love you, my friend. Sweet dreams. P.S. You are waaaay better than George Clooney;)
I talked to Dr. Wood this morning and Ronan’s ANC counts came up from 0 to 25. This still doesn’t mean we will be getting out of here anytime soon as they have to be up to 200 and rising for Dr. Eshun to discharge us. Dr. Wood said he expected us to be here until next week. Our little monkey is getting restless and tired of being here. How in the world am I going to entertain him until next week? We will just have to make due. My friend, Fernanda, came and sat with Ronan for 4 hours today so I could run home, shower, do some laundry, and run some errands. I got a chance to catch up on the phone with my Susie and Bethany. Both of those phone conversations were long overdue and it was so good to hear both of their voices and catch them up on things. I miss them both so much. Thank you, Fernanda, for taking such great care of Ronan for me. He LOVED having you here and is still talking about the things you two did. I am so lucky and blessed to have the amazing friends I do. I am thankful every second of the day for all of you. <3<3
I am really, really, really, excited for a few things that some amazing people are stepping up and doing for us. Not going to go into too many details but so many people have been coming out of the woodwork and wanting to help change PCH and the way things are done around here. They know who they are and they are just as passionate and excited as I am. All they needed was Ronan and his story to fuel the fire for making the world of Pediatric Cancer, a better place. I am so excited to be involved in this process with the vision and help of great friends. Ronan is changing the world already at the small age of 3… I can't wait to see what amazing things come of this. Thank you, my dear friends who shall remain nameless due to them being the kinds of people that don't want recognition, who just want to do amazing things when nobody is watching. I can't tell you how much I love this. There are not many people in the world who just do things without the whole world needing to know about it. I am going to have to come up with a nickname for this new friend of mine…. you know who you are<3 I will think of something after I get to know you a little bit better:) Maybe Mrs. Margarita due to your email tonight;) Love you, your passion, and your heart. Thank you, sweet girl.
The rest of today was spent playing with Ronan. We had a new nurse today that we haven’t ever had before. Imagine that! I thought we knew everyone on this floor. Her name is Holly and she was a delight. Ronan adores her and she was very sweet to us. We hope to have her again and also love the fact that she too is a former Sundevil:) The ASU baseball team came to visit the kids on the floor and I coaxed Ronan out of his room to go to the playroom to see them. I am so glad he agreed to go because he was able to meet some very special people and also get a couple of baseballs signed. Thanks Margaret for being extra sweet to Ronan. It was so nice to meet you today:) He was a little overwhelmed and a little shy but was very excited about the baseballs when we returned to his room.
I wasn’t going to ask to switch to a window room view while we were on the second floor….. because I thought we were going to be out of here by Saturday; but I did. If we are going to be here until next week; I will not survive without one. I feel like the biggest pain in the butt… as Dr. Maze said to me today, “What are we doing, playing musical rooms?” Made me laugh but that’s how it feels. What can I say, I’m a girl who knows how happy the little things make me and I’m not shy about asking for it. One of Ronan’s favorite things to do at night is to look out the window at the pretty neon lights that flash at the top of the new PCH hospital. He loves to say the colors out loud and we count the stars and say Goodnight to the moon.
Ronan is really missing his house and brothers tonight. He must have told me a dozen times how much he misses Liam and Quinn. It KILLS me to hear him say those words to me. I hate that he can’t be with them. He called tonight and talked to the boys’ for a while. I sat and while Quinn was on speaker phone and the boys’ went back and fourth telling each other how much they missed one another. It was heartbreaking and sweet all at the same time. After the phone call, Ronan and I spent the evening playing “lets throw the stuffed monkeys back and fourth to each other but not let them hit the ground due to the hot lava, game.” We played for a solid hour and he was laughing the entire time. We then went on a hut for our favorite nurse, Arica, and found her but she was in a room with a patient. She blew Ro kisses and came to visit us later tonight. Ronan was almost asleep but woke up as Arica was giving him kisses and loves, just so he could give her a smile and a giggle. I love that girl<3
Woody has been so busy this week that he hasn't been able to stop by the hospital to see us. Between his law firm and coaching the twins' two basketball leagues, he hasn't got a free second. Our catch ups have been consisting our our 3 minute phone conversations about 10 times a day. I HATE THIS. I miss my husband, my twins, my house, my old normal everyday life. I am tired of falling asleep listening to the screams and cries of our roommates and their parents. I'm tired of the lack of privacy and this sharing room bullshit. It's bad enough that my child has cancer, but it's even worse the lack of privacy that comes with it. I know, I know… the new hospital will have it's private rooms. That does me no good as of now. I'm burnt out, I'm discouraged by all the sadness that surrounds me everyday. Listening to the screams at night haunts me and is another huge reason to why I never sleep well. I know Transplant is going to be hard, but at least we get our own room. Trying so hard to find the positive in anything and everything I can.
That's all for tonight. I hear some Coconut Water and a movie calling my name. I could really use a Margarita and some freaking chips and salsa. What I wouldn’t give for that. I need to get lost in something tonight, otherwise I’m going to lose my freaking mind. Ahh… spoke too soon. My friend Stacy just texted me to ask if she could bring me anything. My reply was, 1) A margarita, 2) Some Sangria or 3) George Clooney. Can you guess what she is showing up with?!?! Either way, I win!! YAY FOR GOOD FRIENDS!!!! G’nite dear darlings. Sleep well.
Kathryn~ Thank you for the Star Wars picture you sent for Ronan that Annie Leibovitz shot and signed for him. He is going to freak out over the picture; I am freaking out over the fact that such an amazing, talented soul, took the time to do such a sweet thing for Ronan! Made my day!! Tell her thank you as well:)
Ronan had his clinic visit this morning. His levels have dropped just as we were expecting. We are so used to this chemo thing now that we know where his counts will be. What I didn’t expect wash his platelet counts to be so low. They were 10,000 today. WHAT?!?! 10,000 and not a bloody nose in sight? How is that possible? Since we started this chemo journey, anytime Ronan’s platelets drop lower than 20,000-30,000 we are guaranteed that he has the dreaded bloody noses that we cannot control. I told “A” today that maybe it’s due to having the tumor out of Ro. She smiled and I know she doesn’t think there is any correlation between the two, but I am going with what I have been saying all along…. He really is a brand new boy. He was so sweet as we were waiting at the clinic today. He sat and talked to me about all of the nurses who take care of him. As “A” walked by, he goes, “She’s so nice, Mom.” The he told me how much he loved Sharon and Kristin. He is so full of love today and is just so grateful, even though he is feeling so crummy. His ANC is at 60… which means his immune system is almost wiped out. I’m expecting it to hit 0 tomorrow. We will have to keep a close eye on him…knock on wood no fevers or bloody noses. It would be so nice to stay out of the hospital until Transplant time.
I spoke with Erin from Transplant today; she is basically Dr. Adams go to girl as far as scheduling and preparing us goes. She told me to expect to start Transplant on February 15 or 16th. Assuming all of Ronan’s tests come back with the results we are wanting to see. She didn’t see any reason why they wouldn’t, but he has to have everything from his heart, liver, and kidney checked to make sure they are functioning properly before we can get the green light. He has those tests scheduled for February 9th. So far, every time he has had his organs checked, everything has looked great. It is amazing how much the human body can take. After we get the green light for transplant, we will then be randomized to see if Ronan will have two transplants or one. You know we are hoping for two…. even though I am scared shitless at what this is going to do to my little guys body. Woody keeps saying we’ve got to throw the kitchen sink at Ronan’s cancer… and two transplants is definitely throwing the kitchen sink at it. If Ronan’s cancer comes back, it will be because we didn’t kill all of the cancer cells the first time around. Two transplants we feel, will increase the chances of killing all of his cancer.
I am trying to mentally prepare for Transplant/Isolation. I am wracking my brain for everything that I can possibly think of to keep myself and Ronan happy during his stay. I’ve been trying to think of it more like… If I were stranded on a desert island rather than… if I were trapped in a solitary confinement… what would I need?? Something tells me George Clooney may not be realistic. So far, I’ve come up with easy things such as: my computer(duh) my camera, movies, books, my coconut water (have I mentioned that I am OBSESSED with the stuff??) my yoga mat, Ronan’s favorite toys, Art supplies, his favorite bedding, his Wii and PS3. We will have to set up Skype to keep in touch with Liam and Quinn. I am trying my hardest to turn this into something really positive. Not many people get the opportunity in life to just simply “be.” I am hoping something really good will come out of this and it will make Ronan and myself even stronger. It will be a time for great reflection and learning. Tricia and I were laughing the other night because I told her I was going to study Buddhism while in Isolation. She told me she was going to make me a little sign to wear around my neck that says, “Cannot speak,” due to respecting the silence that comes with this religion. The image in my head totally made me laugh. Don’t think I’ll take it that far, but I love her for making me laugh.
I talked to my NYC Miss Macy today. That crazy pants. She texted me to see if the boys’ would like a King Cake from Nola. She is going there on a business trip soon and wanted to ship the boys one. I had no idea what a King Cake even was so I listened as she Googled it and explained it to me. I also told her that I needed her to come stay with me in Isolation. I was half joking and told her I needed her purely for selfish reasons. She told me to say the word and she would be on a flight if that is what I needed to keep me sane. I told her that we would save her visit for when we are finished with this Stem Cell Transplant and that way, we can all enjoy Miss Macy to the fullest. We are going to have such a reason to celebrate! I know Ronan is going to soar through this transplant with flying colors. He is so tough and has done so well with everything else, how could he not.
For now, I am going to soak up being at home with the boy and Woody. These past couple of days have been so sweet. I am thankful every second of the day, for all the blessings we have in our life. Ronan being the biggest one of them all. One of the night nurses that takes care of Ro whenever we are admitted to PCH says the same thing to me every time she comes in to check his vitals. She always tells me that she can tell Ronan is an old soul. This always makes me smile because I have known this since the day he was born. He has always been different; almost like he has been here many times before. He just has that look in his eyes that tells me not to be scared, not to worry, because everything is going to be alright. Looking into his eyes, I know this. This cannot turn out any other way; he has way too many hearts to break and way too much trouble to cause.