Ronan. Well fuck. I had an entire post written and I went to update something else and it got erased. Bloody Hell, baby doll. Guess that’s how this day had to start off since it’s our first official Fucksgiving. Or Sucksgiving. Or Macegiving. Or the sweetest one of all, RoGiving. Yup. It’s here. That stupid time of year. When all of the normals out there are sitting around giving thanks on today, when they should be giving thanks every freaking day that they are alive, with their healthy kids. I know our little secret though. Our little secret about all of our darling little readers out there. Well, most of them. I’m sure there are assholes out there who read this blog and just go about their ignorant ways. We can’t save them all, Ro. I know our most beautiful lovelies are spending this Sucksgiving, differently, because they are all thinking about you. And how truly blessed they really are. I know none of them are ungrateful and I know they are living each and every day, to the fullest, making the MOST of the messes their children make because they are so thankful to have them there to make messes. I’m not going to lie though. The thought of everyone else, getting to be extra grateful, because of you; because of us and our story, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me sad. It stings. But it is the gift that you left behind. A gift that I am trying my hardest to be grateful for. But you know Ro, that Thanksgiving has been banned at our house this year. I have NOTHING to be grateful for. And I’m sure to some, this makes me seem like an ungrateful beoytch. But I don’t care. Because I know what the normals out there are all saying because I have been hearing it all week. “You have so much to be grateful for.” “You have the most beautiful sons and husband and friends.” Shut up, Fuckwads. I am aware of the beauty that surrounds me but that doesn’t take away the fact that you died and you don’t get to be here with us on this fucking ignorant holiday. That doesn’t change the fact that all I want to do today is survive because I made a promise to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes and to Dr. JoRo that I intend on keeping only because I keep my promises. And I won’t break them to those two because they are walking this dark walk with me and will never turn away, no matter how painful it may be. And yes, because of your Daddy and your brothers. That is a given and never even needs to be said. So Fucksgiving is here. And I cannot wait for it to be over.
I’m so sorry I have not written is so long. I have been so busy. So tired by the end of the day, that I have been crawling into bed at night and passing out. Without the Devil Ambien. Passing out from mental exhaustion. Macy is here. I know you know that. She got here on Friday, so she has been here almost a week. She is sleeping in your room. Can she just move in with us, please? New York Miss Macy makes everything better. EVERYTHING. You know, Ro. I know we have only known Macy for just about a year but FUCK…. she is one of the biggest gifts to come of this bloody nightmare. I’ll never forget the first time we met her and when she came bursting through the doors of the Ronald McDonald House from the cold streets of New York with her big eyes, just like yours. Her sweet smile, long flowing hair, and her arms full of gifts for you and your brothers. You were always so leery of strangers, but you fell in love with New York Miss Macy within seconds. I watched your little eyes light up as this stranger chased you around and had you giggling within minutes. I watched the way that I was able to forget that you were indeed, my very sick child. It was pure magic. It was so natural. It was true love. New York Miss Macy stayed with us the entire time we were in NYC and helped take care of you. NY Miss Macy, moved away to San Francisco and when we had to go to that city, to look into a treatment for you, it was her that you could not wait to see. New York Miss Macy came here before you passed away, to spend some time with you before you left. New York Miss Macy, came back for your funeral. New York Miss Macy is here now, for Sucksgiving, because she knows I would not be surviving this, without her. New York Miss Macy has spent all week with me, your Daddy, and your brothers. She has been cleaning, doing laundry, making beds, rubbing backs, pouring dish soup in the dishwasher by accident which has caused a never-ending soapy mess which has left me in giggles. She has laughed with me, cried with me, and listened to me while I scream, cuss, and stab food to death. She went up to Sedona with me for the day to see Dr. JoRo. We spent the day talking with Jo. We all went on a barefoot hike. Macy provided the entertainment by trying to barefoot hike with us, but she could only stand the pain for so long. Dr. Jo and I cracked up at the way she winced in pain with every step. She was a trooper for even trying. Macy drove us home from Sedona as I was so exhausted from the day that I could barely keep my eyes open. She was just as tired as she spent much of the day, crying with me. She is doing exactly what I need her to be doing, Ronan, and I haven’t even had to ask or tell her. New York Miss Macy is walking through the dark side, with me. New York Miss Macy is just letting me be. New York Miss Macy has never left. New York Miss Macy, is not running away because she does not know what to do with me. New York Miss Macy is not just our friend, Ronan. She is our family. Do you know what she did this morning, on FUCKING FUCKSUCKINGCOCKSUCKING Sucksgiving? She had a surprise for us. Yesterday, she had our Mandy Bee help her run an errand so she could do something for us today, for you. She went out and found the most beautiful purple tree for us to plant in our backyard. She wrote us the sweetest card that I could hardly read because just seeing the tears pour out of her eyes, said it all. She is that thoughtful and her heart is so big that it is capable of taking this sad, sad, house and filling it with a love that everybody feels, even with your absence. On everyday but today, because I am banning this holiday, I am so thankful for that girl. The girl that some people tried to tell me, would go away, after all of this was over because she “chose,” to inject herself into our “situation.” Macy did not choose to inject herself into anything. You chose her for me, Ronan. You chose her because I think you always knew, it would be her that would be the one to help to save me. I always knew it too. I always knew that Macy would not up and forget us, or you. I was a first hand witness of how the love for you, shined through her eyes. How it still does. How it always will. That will never change. If anything, it will just become stronger. So, here we are today. Still in our pajamas with the football on, your brothers running around the house, Macy curled up on the couch, reading a magazine. The perfect family. Almost, baby. Almost.
Yesterday, Ronan. I am glad yesterday is over. Guess what I had happen to me for the first time? I woke up from my sleep with an excitement that filled my entire body. I sprung out of bed, my feet hit the floor, and I got about 10 steps in as I was headed to your room, to wake you up. I had forgotten that you had died. As soon as I remembered, I fell to the floor and started to cry. I picked myself up, got into the shower and continued to cry. I got ready, while still crying. I went and called Dr. JoRo, as I couldn’t get myself under control. When I finally composed myself enough to finish the task at hand, which was packing your brothers lunches, I went about my day but I couldn’t shake the feeling from the morning. To feel that excitement, that pure bliss and then to have it all ripped away within seconds was like losing you all over again. It shook me to the core and left me in a fog for the rest of the day and night. Fucking BULLSHIT. Fucking BULLSHIT that Cancer killed you. My healthiest child. Fucking BULLSHIT that we are all stuck here, without you. Nothing will ever be enough, Ronan. Nothing will ever take away the way I yearn for you every second of the day. It is just something I will have to learn to live with. The way that Bella from Twilight (yup, Macy and I totally went to see that movie) will have to learn to live her new life as a vampire is the way I feel. Except lucky Bella. She will never have to be apart from the love of her life, Edward Cullen. Fuck. The whole time I was watching that movie I wished so badly that Vampires were real and that I was one of them and when you died, I imagined your little body laying in the bed. I imagined myself biting your body to inject you with my venom to turn your into a little Vampire, so that we would never have to be apart. I played that picture in my head, over and over again. You would have been the most beautiful vampire. Edward Cullen would have had nothing on you. If only Vampires were real. If only you just hadn’t gotten sick with Cancer and died. If only the fucking medical world would get a clue. If only Childhood Cancer, was as recognized as AIDS. If only. I have so many of them in my life now.
I have to go now Ro, baby. I have to get ready for our White Trash Chinese Eating Mustache Fucksgiving that we are going to try to have. I have to get ready to beat the shit of our 1 or our 3 pinatas. I’m so sorry you are not here. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. I will love you forever.