The election is over! Now, we can focus on turning the White House Gold for September and save some kids!

Ronan. I am having a hard time breathing. I can’t tell if it’s grief that is trying to suffocate me or Poppy. Either way it is making this life without you, harder than normal. I didn’t know that was possible. I spent the weekend at home, doing normal things with your daddy and brothers. The kinds of things we would have been doing, if you were still here. The things I have the hardest time doing now in life. Those simple easy things in life that I used to love so much but now I feel as doing them is harder than running a marathon. Without training. Liam was still a little under the weather. I tended to him and we went to bed pretty early on Saturday. It’s all I can do to make it to 9:00 p.m. without passing out. This growing a baby business is a lot of work. One that I am not a huge fan of. I never have been. The outcome is of course so worth it, but I have never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. It feels like a prison. I am trying to stay positive, but it’s hard to all of a sudden feel like you are just stuck in quicksand and there is nothing you can do to get out of it. Before I was pregnant, I had so many physical outlets that kept me sane. I could blow off steam so well with an easy breezy 8 mile run. Now I am panting at climbing a flight of stairs. So mentally and physically I am having a hard time getting out all of my grief in the ways in which I would before which may be another reason for my feeling of constant suffocation. I’ve been throwing myself into working on things for your foundation. That is saving my sanity a little bit I suppose. It is saving the shred of sanity that I have left.

Last night we had tickets to see my boyfriend, Eddie Vedder in concert. One of our little lovies, somehow got 6 front row seats where I got to sit about 10 feet away from Eddie as he gazed into my eyes and sang to me the entire night. That might be exaggerating a little bit but an over active imagination is healthy. He played our favorites. I was not the only one with tears streaming down my face as he sang our song, “Just Breathe.” I think everyone that was there with us, had them streaming down their cheeks too. I tried to fight it, but eventually the lump in my throat became too big and the tears came next. Buckets of them. I wiped them away and pictured you running up on the stage as Eddie sang his song, only the way he can. One that makes you get completely lost in another world. I, as always, was lost in the little world of yours. It’s my favorite place to be. I know Eddie had some Ronan ESP going on as next to last song was the one and only Neil Young’s, “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” You’re telling me that was a coincidence? I know it was not. It was you working your magic in the ways that you always do. My entire body ached for you and I had flashbacks to the way you used to dance to that song. Thanks, Eddie V for playing it just for Ro last night. I know you did that for him. I could not have thought of a better way to end the night, then with that.

Today, I woke up bright and early. For going to bed so late last night, I woke up before the sun came up. I tossed and turned for about an hour before finally getting up. I had nothing of real importance to do today, but I was restless anyway. I ran some errands and went to the office. I worked through much of the afternoon on some foundation things and had about a half an hour phone interview. This one was hard for some reason. I forget what question it was exactly that I was trying to answer, but I know I had to stop myself and apologize for the sobbing that was taking place on my end of the phone. I think I remember telling the lady on the other end of the phone something about my last words to you and how I told you how sorry I was over and over again. She asked me what I was sorry about. I told her how I promised you I would save you and get you better and the fact that I didn’t or couldn’t will make me sorry for  the rest of my life. She asked if I thought you knew that you were dying. I think about that question a lot. I told her that I did not think that you did. How some of your last words to me were, “I don’t want anymore sleepy medicine.” I told her how you had to be put under anesthesia a lot and how I think you thought you were just going to sleep, but you would wake up again. I think about this so much in my head, all the time. I wonder if I should have told you that you were going to sleep forever. I didn’t. I don’t know if I should have or not. I’m so sorry you are sleeping forever and won’t ever wake up. I will forever have post traumatic stress over this. No mama should have to kiss her babies lips one last time and to be expected to live a life without kissing them again. Being a parent to a dead child is the hardest job in the world. Much harder than being the parent to kids who are alive and well. Being the parent to a dead child is the hardest kind of parent to be. I don’t think anybody in the outside world realizes this. It’s a truth I never thought I would know. It’s a truth that I will forever wish I didn’t know.

I had a board meeting last night at our new office. All of the girls were so excited. It was so nice to be able to have a space to go, that was not our own house. Our board meeting was long. A good 4 hours last night but we got a lot done as we always do. I woke up this morning with a big to do list. I got a lot of it done but by noon I knew I had reached my limit for the day. The little sleep I got last night combined with a raging headache led me to driving home and crawling in bed for a few hours. I took about a half an hour power nap but then had to get up to get some things done. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school and we all went out to grab a bite to eat as the cooking was just not happening tonight. I find myself sitting back and listening to your daddy a lot and the way he talks to your brothers and explains so much about the world to them. Once again, that bittersweet word will be used again because it is so bittersweet to hear the things they are learning and knowing you should be here, learning them, too. Tonight at dinner your daddy talked about everything from Shakespeare to the election. I watched them soak it all up like little sponges. They are so lucky to have a daddy like yours. Tonight, sitting at one of our favorite restaurants, I felt pretty lucky. Not every child grows up with a daddy like yours. So I felt lucky for that. Your brothers are amazing little boys and I know a big part of this is due to the strong male figure they have in their life. They are happy, loved, and have been through the worst, only to watch as we have survived it all. I feel like a bit of their self-confidence and security is coming back. I know this could have shaped them either direction. I am thankful that our situation has only seemed to make them stronger and have a love for our family  that is so strong because they understand how precious it is. Such hard lessons for young boys but I know this will make them stronger men. Of course you know I would rather have you here and not have to have them “learn,” any of this. I am just doing my best to be grateful for the things I have that are tangible to me, like your brothers brave little hearts.

I gotta go little man. Lots to do, always for you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. I am not going to get into politics on here but I am so glad the election is over. I took Poppy to vote yesterday and we as a family had such fun last night watching the polls. It was a good night. I am so glad we can now focus on turning that White House Gold for September. I have faith that our President will do the right thing and make this happen. There are too many babes dying. A change has to come. I am thankful for President Obama and the Creating Hope Act. It’s time to take this to the next level and with all of you on our side, I know this can happen! Love you all, so much!

Grief! It’s a tricky mo’ fo!

Ronan. Grief is a tricky thing. It’s one of the thousands of things in life that I will never understand because it is that out of my control. I never know when it is going to be an o.k. day., a really bad day, a paralyzing day, a “crazy,” day. I never know who I am waking up to in the mornings, who I am having breakfast with, who I am showering with, who I am folding laundry with, who I am sleeping with. For somebody that has lived with so much consistency in their life for so long, the living this new life of never knowing is exhausting. But I keep rolling with the punches.

Guess what I feel like today? The really bad mama/wife alter ego. Guess what, Ronan. Today, I don’t want to be a mom or wife at all. Try living with that guilt. I never felt like this before losing you. Now, I feel like this all the time. I want to run away and never look back. I want to be alone with my pain. I don’t want the comfort from your daddy or brothers and I don’t want to comfort them. Does that make me evil and a bad person? Because that’s the way it feels. All I want is to take my pain of losing/missing you and run away and keep it to myself. I want to live in the middle of some dark, dreary forest where it rains all of the time and live in a little house, all alone. Just with you and our memories. I don’t want to see our old friends. I want everyone to go away. But you know how this would end if I actually did this? I would end up killing myself. Sylvia Plath style. Her death was so dramatic, yet it was what she wanted and the way she wanted it. I respect that. I’ve always loved that woman.

I think about death all the time. It doesn’t scare me. It didn’t scare you which in turn means that it is something that I don’t get to be afraid of either. When it’s my time, it’s my time. I know that life is too short to sit around an worry about it. So I don’t. I think about it instead. You know what the 2 things that are guaranteed in life, Ronan? Death and this exact moment. Not 10 minutes from now, not 10 hours from now, 10 days from now, or even 10 years. I’m not going to worry about the fucking future when the future is a lie because it is not guaranteed. I am going to worry about this moment. I am going to put some ideas out there and if they happen, great. But if I die before they do, at least I’ll know I put some things out into this world. At least I’ll know, I tried. I’m going to say the things I fucking want to say, and regret NOTHING. As long as I stay true to you and me…… regrets are not going to happen. I’m DONE. Done worrying about what the others out there, think. The others of the world can fuck off. I don’t care who has a fucking problem with my GOD is an ASSHOLE SHIT. If you are going to judge me for that, then you can FUCK OFF too. There is no God out there…. the good and all mighty powerful God who would do this to parents. Who would do this, to you. So judge me all you want. Keep living in your little bubble and lock your doors, so I don’t turn your kids into Satan loving little devils. If you really think this about me, due to what you read, then you don’t know me at all. You are being judgmental and due to that alone, please stay away. You know the kinds of people that I appreciate so much in this life? The parents. The parents who read this, yet they still invite Liam and Quinn over for play dates and they still let their kids come over for play dates at our house. Even if they do not know me that well… they have taken the time to get to know my children and they see two of the kindest, most gentle souls so they know that no matter what I write….. everything is going to be o.k. They trust me; even though they do not really know me. They are the parents, who know I am in agonizing pain, but who let my children be a reflection of me. This means everything to me. Everything, Ronan. I am a good mom. I am a good person. This is my outlet where I can scream, cuss, and cry because I don’t always get to act this way in the real world. In the real world, I tend to remain calm, cool, and collected. In the real world, I keep it together and for the most part, I am able to act like the “normal,” mama under these hellish circumstances. Hell is real alright but all the devils are here. Tell me I am going to HELL and I will never see my child again. This is HELL. I am living in HELL, right now. I know in my heart, that I will see you again, Ro. I know this and this is the only thing I’m answering to in this life.

Today, I don’t even know what I really did. I think I stayed home which may actually become the death of me. I think I could die from the pain alone of being in our house, without hearing the little pitter patter of your feet and the sound of your squeaky voice, yelling for me…. your giggles. The best giggles in the world. I stayed home and played the domestic good little wife roll that is now like nails on chalkboard, but has to be done. I folded a fuckton of laundry. I licked a lot of envelopes. I got a little last minute text message from my newest/oldest yeah I feel like I’ve known you forever friend, but I’ve never actually spent any time with you that said, “Do you need some help with some things?” I said, “YEAH! Do you fold laundry?!” She said she totally did and within the hour she was in my house where we didn’t actually fold laundry, but we licked envelopes and wrote down lists of shit to get done ideas instead. It was a highly unorganized fly by the seat of your pants afternoon where you don’t know what do expect but that’s always how the BEST things, come about. We have lists of a lot of things that have been piling up in my head that I just don’t know what to do with. Things that I am passionate about, getting done. We came up with some new ideas too. We talked about the importance of keeping everything we do in regards to your foundation, true to you. Trust me, Ro. I know how pissed you would be about me throwing an event full of fancy evening gowns and diamonds. Kinda wasn’t your thing. We’ve got some much better ideas in store.

After our productive day of many lists, I picked up this new little friend of mine for dinner. I got to meet her little boy and it was love at first sight. I only got to stay and hang with him for a few minutes but I really wanted to stay and play with him, for hours. I wanted to get lost in his little world and let everything else, slip away. Maybe next time:) Margarita, took me to a really dangerous part of of the hood, for Mexican food. Well, not really but we pretended like it was. It was pretty dangerous having to watch the little blond boy, skip around our table while we were trying to eat. It was pretty dangerous of us to cry over our food and talk about all this “Ronan is in heaven, playing with puppy dogs bullshit.” I’ll say it again, like I always do. I don’t care if this really is the case. The fact of the matter is, you are not with me, like you should be. That in turn, makes everything so wrong. We took our danger crusade to the neighborhood Ross and browsed the aisles of the best infomercial products you could buy, dangerous chemical filled bubble bath, and some of the best ugly dresses I’ve ever seen. Of course we were walking down the aisle full of random nothingness and some little Star Wars action figures were just staring at me. They were all alone, among a bunch of household items. I grabbed them and told, Margarita, I had to buy them for Super Nate. She then goes, “Well they are kind of just sitting there, screaming at you to buy them.” Yes indeed they were. How could I ignore that??? I couldn’t so I took them home with me instead.

I came home to your brothers all curled up on the couch, watching a Pearl Jam documentary on T.V. I snuggled on the couch with Quinn who is still, stuck to me like glue. I mumbled to your daddy that the lead singer of Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder, was my long lost soul mate in life. He likes to use the word “Fuck,” a lot too and is all about following his heart while breaking the rules. I’ve always been a huge Eddie fan. And the fact that he is such good friends with your favorite, Neil Young is the icing on the cake. I think I need to work on getting those two to do a Rockstar Ronan Rock Concert for you. It’s already on my list, baby boy. I’m going to make it happen. I can see the line up now…….

So, baby boy. Guess what? I have not been taking my Ambien to sleep at night. Guess what I have come to find out. That if I snuggle up in your bed at night, I can actually sleep for hours…. uninterrupted. Last night I dreamed about dolphins all night long. I was in the ocean, holding a baby dolphin and it was so peaceful. No doubt, the baby dolphin was meant to be you. I’ll never forget our summer and how the dolphins would just appear every single time I went out to the beach. I know that was you, letting me know you are around. So last night, I slept in your bed and dreamt of all things peaceful. I cannot remember the last time that has happened. Thank you for that. It’s early and I need to get moving this morning. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Dear Lovely Little Blog Readers,

I am putting this out into this big, beautiful world that I know exists. If anybody knows of any office space that may be available free of charge…. I so need it. I cannot continue to run this foundation out of my house, alone. It’s too quiet. It’s too sad. And his room, full of his toys is just down the hall from my dining room where I often sit, crying, trying to get things done. Yesterday, my friend came over to help me stuff envelopes and pointed out that me sitting at home, doing these things alone was not healthy. I knew this, but I never thought to ask for anything else because this is just the way it has to be. She quietly told me that I should look around to see if anyone has any empty office space they want to let me use. I would be a really good, quiet tenant. I am really super clean and I smell good, so I have those two things going for me. I don’t really run around screaming obscenities unless provoked so for the most part, I’m a calm collected girl. I have really good references if you need them;) If anybody knows of anything, can you email me at mayawoody@gmail.com. But I don’t want to pay rent. I don’t want any overhead. I would never feel right about taking money out of Ronan’s Foundation, to run things/advertise/etc….. I am not using his money, this way. So if anybody, just has some empty space they know about…. that is just sitting; I’m your girl. I would be SO thankful. I may not end up like Sylvia Plath; with my head in the oven.

Thanks lovies. Oh yeah. Space needs to be in AZ:) I mean Transylvania would be awesome… but the Phoenix area is more realistic.

Sparkly stars in the sky and all the one’s right before my very eyes

These are the kind of friends I have. The kind who come over to your house in the morning, bring you coffee, insist that you give them your car keys so they can go wash and put gas in your car. Not to mention pick up your prescriptions, some pictures you had developed, all while you put up a fight in which they were not having. The kind of friends whom stop by, bringing their sweet little boy with them to play with Ronan and insist on you giving them a list. The new friend, whom you have never met before, but is dying to be a part of our lives because she and her family have been so deeply touched. The friend whom lets me drop my crew off to play with her crew while I went to my therapist. The friend who let me rant and rave all while agreeing with me that this is bullshit, and she knows because she has lived through it. The friend who drops off boxes on your doorstep so you can try to pack up your life and send it to New York. This all happened today; these amazing woman helped me though today without me even having to ask. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Thank you, Melissa, Gay, Tiffany, Pam, Stacy and Bethany. You all will really not let me fall, no matter how hard I try.
Today was busy indeed. I had a mild meltdown on the way to see “The Good Doctor.” A panic attack, an almost nervous breakdown… I had to call Marisa on my way so she could rationalize everything for me. I don’t know how I made it to my appointment without getting in a wreck. But I did. The good doctor took one look at me and knew I what a mess I was. We went over my prescriptions, the doses, and we had a short but productive talk. I felt a little better after leaving there, but my nerves were shot. I am doing my best but this week has been especially hard. I have been trying my hardest to enjoy my time with Liam, Quinn, and Ronan but the littlest things put me on edge now. Any little argument between my boys is enough to make me want to lock myself up in an insane asylum. My patience is worn thin and I have the patience of a saint. I am struggling with trying to be a normal mom…. whatever that may be. I just want to be the mom I was before all of this but is is so hard.
Woody came home and I slipped out for an hour to meet a friend for dinner. Just what the doctor ordered. We sat outside, ate good food, and the weight of the world seemed lifted off of my shoulders for the hour that I was there. I found myself laughing, enjoying our conversation, and it was just very easy, as it always is. The stars were shining so brightly tonight, I kept looking up to see if I could see a shooting star to make a wish on. I then decided I didn’t need a star, because one of the most beautiful stars was sitting right before me. I made a wish on my friend, the same wish I make 50 times a day. It made me smile. I came home feeling much better about things. It’s funny how certain people just bring out the old me, the funny me, the happy me. The me that is buried so deep down, but when she comes out I so enjoy being her. Tonight was something I very much-needed. An hour of pure bliss and happiness.
Ronan is still in a lot of pain. It’s absolutely killing me as there is nothing I can do. I mostly sit and try to comfort him, get him to take his pain medication, and try not to throw up at the thought of him hurting so badly. I sit back and wonder what it feels like for his little arm to hurt so much. Does it feel broken? Does it burn? Does it throb? However badly it is hurting, I know it is intense. He never complains about a thing and watching him with this is like daggers in my heart. I cannot wait to get him started on Monday for his next round of chemo. I never in my life would have thought I’d be so happy about getting back on his magic medicine but I cannot stand to see the pain he is in. He needs it badly.
New York is going to be good. And I am going to be good once I get there. It is my Ro baby’s city that is going to heal him; I just know it. We are going to get there, get into our routine, and get him better. I know he is going to respond well to his treatments; I have all the faith in the world. New York really is a magical place and I honestly feel that energy when we are there. We always do so well and we can do this. We will do this while refusing to let go of the rope we are holding on so tightly to. We are just going to keep tying knot after knot so we can keep hanging on. We are never letting go of our rope and I am never going to let Ronan slip and fall. I will hold on to him for the rest of my life and I will be thankful for every second of it. I never knew how precious life really was until all of this. It all seemed so trivial to me…. just another day in the life of Maya Thompson. Now I know how precious our time here on earth really is because I am watching my 3 year old fight for it every second of the day. It is so wrong, so sad, but so inspiring. Ronan has made me realize that my time here is meant to change the way certain things in the world work. He is laying out a path for me and I am not sure where it is going yet…. but I am going to keep following it until I figure it out. I love him so much. My sweet little seal.
Tomorrow, we have the clinic visit for blood and possibly platelets. We will say our final goodbye’s for now, but not forever. We will be back to see our angels at PCH soon. Ronan will be back and feeling much better:) Cannot wait for that day. Fernanda is going to come to the clinic with me to work on some things. I.LOVE.HER. so much. I swear she could rule the world. Beautiful people everywhere and I never even knew it. Thank you to all of you who are keeping up with Ro and his journey. We are so thankful for the love you send his way. Someday, when this is all over and Ronan is well, we will have a big party and all 264,578 whom are reading this are invited:) Wouldn’t that be amazing?? I am totally going to get Eddie Vedder to throw a Charity Concert for Ronan. Or Tom Petty. Or Neil Young. Or all of them combined. How awesome would that be?  Mark my words. Done and done.
Goodnight to my dear friends, old and new. <3 Goodnight to each and every one of you. Love and blessings to you all!!!!
xoxo