The it’s a given promise

Ro baby. Has it really been almost a week since I’ve written to you? How is that possible? I guess that explains all the anxiety that I have had. Well that, along with the 10 other things that are causing it with the number one reason being your death. I have no freaking clue what I’ve been doing. I’ll try to remember, but the events mentioned may be out-of-order. Pretty sure you won’t mind though.

I’ve been busy. So freaking busy. Between taking care of your brothers and running your foundation, I am left at the end of the day with my head spinning. I feel like I have so many balls juggling in the air. I’m trying to prioritize them. Your brothers come first of course, but it doesn’t take much to keep them happy. They have a good life and they know it. I’ve been giving them anything and everything that I have left which is all I can do. I get out of bed every single day. I tend to what they need. I love them. It’s simple really. They thrive off of love and security. They have that even with the death of you. It’s wrong but it’s so right. It’s the way it has to be and it’s what they deserve. They deserve the happiness that they feel. It’s all I want for them. I wish I could say it helps with my pain, but it does not. I think I’m realizing, nothing will ever help with this pain, Ronan. It will always just be this way. I will forever feel like I am sinking in quicksand and I will constantly feel like I am fighting against it for my survival. Nobody should have to be this fucking strong. Nobody.

I’ve been writing a lot, but writing to others. Trying to get shit done, yo! I’ve been helping my friend, Tanya, redo your foundation website. It looks amazing and she has worked so hard on it. You know how picky I am so we are in the process of going over everything with a fine tooth comb. Tanya has taken my vision and ideas and made them a reality. Everything about your new website is so beautiful. She knows how important it is to me to keep the “Ro,” in all of this. She’s let me come to her with these ideas and she’s made them happen. She has put so many hours into this project and she has done it all out of the kindness of her heart. I am so thankful for her. Just another one of those beautiful things to come out of all of this sadness. Beautiful people exist more than ever. I know you are putting them everywhere in my life to help me survive this. It’s your way of taking care of me. Thanks, babydoll.

I’ve been crying a lot I think. Crying at the most random times. I’ve been sleeping at night still without the help of Ambien. Sleeping and dreaming of everyone, but you. It’s not fair. I miss your face so much. I always think of you at night, before I go to sleep. You would think this would help me dream about you. It does not. I wake up sad, searching for you in my dreams since seeing you in real life, is not a reality. Seeing you in my dreams is what I beg for now. I can’t believe it is so difficult due to the fact that you are all I seem to think about.

I’ve been running a lot and not eating again. My appetite is back to nothing. I pick at all of my food. It all tastes blah and if I do eat anything, it comes back up. Your daddy took me for a nice dinner the other night. We rode our bikes to the restaurant. On our way home the little voices inside of my head, took over. They whispered things in my ear like,”What in the fuck are you doing, riding a bike? Your baby is dead. You are not allowed to go outside, with your husband, and ride a bike. You are a bad mom. You are betraying Ronan. You are not allowed to ride a bike which in turn, makes your feel somewhat normal. You are not normal anymore. Ronan would be so mad at you if he knew what you were doing.” I had to work really, really hard to get the voices to shut up. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t believe anything that they said. But I believed everything. I threw up when I got home. I threw up and passed out cold and slept for a solid 5 hours, woke up at the same time I do, every night. 3:27 a.m. Right around the time you passed away. I wonder what this means. I wonder if this is your way of screaming and crying for me and there is nothing I can do, to get to you. I think it is your way of trying to communicate with me, but I don’t know what it is you are trying to say. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew.

I saw Dr. JoRo yesterday. It was a pretty long session as I guess I have a lot going on. At one point I looked at her and said, “And is my fucking memory ever going to come back?! Seriously, Jo. It’s fucking with my life! I cannot even remember what I do during the day!” She told me it may never be the same again. She explained why, but now I cannot remember to tell you. It has to do with the trauma and loss of you. It’s beyond frustrating to me and leaves me feeling so vulnerable and lost. I feel like a little girl who is lost in the middle of the forest and will never find her way home again. I’ll just be lost forever I guess. I am hoping you can throw me a map every now and again. If I don’t get to live at home anymore, can’t I at least go and visit once in a while? That would be nice.

I had dinner with our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I forced myself to eat as it had been a couple of days. I picked at the food in front of me, but managed to get some of it down my throat. He said he was glad for that. During our dinner where he actually didn’t eat, but watched me eat instead; I looked up at him with the question I’ve been sitting with for a while now.

“I need you to promise me something,” I said in my strongest I’m not going to cry while I ask you this voice.

“Alright. What is it?” he asked.

“I need you to promise me that if you get to wherever it is that you go to, after here, before I do… that you will take care of him. That you will watch over him and keep him safe. I need you to promise me that.”

“Of course I will take care of him. I’ll always take care of him for you. I’ll take care of him and look after him while we wait for you to join us. You didn’t even have to ask that. I would be honored.” he said with that look in his eyes that makes me know if that time comes, and if it is before me, or your daddy can get to you… you will finally be safe.

“Promise me again,” I said.

And he did. I know I didn’t even have to ask this question as it is a given due to how much he loves you, but I still needed to hear the answer out loud. It gives me a feeling of peace that I so desperately need and never get to feel. I even managed to keep my food down after dinner. Good job me. Thank you, Ro, for him.

I think I’m all over the place tonight, blabbing away. I have too many things to say and tell you. This is what happens when I go too long without writing to you and I don’t like it at all. All of my thoughts are all jumbled about. I need to sleep now. It’s late and your Gary is laying right next to me, looking cuddly and warm. Oh, how I wish it were you instead. I still think this is all a very sick, very cruel joke. I’m still waiting to wake up from this never-ending freaking nightmare.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams babydoll. I’m so sorry we have to be apart. It shouldn’t be this way. I’ll keep fighting for you though. I promise. We can do this; together. We can do anything, Ro. I believe in us. I believe in you.


What a day!

What a day! So glad it is O.V.E.R! Our usual Thursday morning started out by heading over to the clinic, with our Mimi Kay in tow. Ronan seemed like he was in a good mood, until we pulled up and I think that he remembered that it was Thursday, which means Broviac dressing changing day. Holy tantrum! I had to pry him out of the car and he proceeded to kick, scream, arch his back, and cry. He is so strong that I can barely contain him anymore. I was trying to hold him to carry him into the clinic and it took a good 10 minutes outside to even pick him up. He ripped my favorite good luck necklace off, my gold four leaf clover that Woody got me for my birthday last year. Ripped it right off my neck like he was the Incredible Hulk or something. I finally got him picked up and into the clinic but he was still screaming and trying to run away. I took him out into the common area, where the coffee lady is and held him in my lap at the table. He was still kicking and hitting me. I finally broke down and started crying and this is the only thing that ever gets his attention and makes him stop. I cried and did my usual whispering in his ear and he just watched me and soon snuggled up to my neck and settled down. Finally. It was a hard morning. Thank god I had Mimi there to help me carry my stuff and help with his dressing change. His blood levels and ANC counts are still good so he did not need a blood transfusion today which is always a plus. We were able to get out of there fairly quickly. I thought Ronan was getting used to all of this but it is days like today, that I know he is not. I never know what or who I am going to get with him. It is the worst pain in the world to see your baby suffer and hurt. It is beyond emotionally draining and physically exhausting. After we were finished there, Mimi, Papa, and Kathy took Ronan home for me and I went off to see my therapist.I needed it…. my nerves were shot after that visit. We had a good chat and I have started working on some breathing techniques to help calm myself down during the day when I am feeling anxiety. We also talked about things I can do at night to help my mind wander to sleep. I’ll try anything at this point… well, except sleeping medication. Just not going to go there.

After my appointment I met my sweet friends, Jen, Trish, Bethany, and Niki for a nice girls lunch. We had a little pow wow about some things that are in the works for Ronan’s Foundation and Pediatric Cancer in general. I’m telling you, these are the kind of girls you want on your side. Very genuine, smart, honest girls. I felt so lucky to be sitting in the middle of all of them<3 I am very excited about the things we have in store. We are going to turn this into something very beautiful and positive. I will never give up on my vision or hope for all of this. When Ronan is well, it is something I will devote my life to. Right now, I am just going to have to take baby steps to get to where I want this to go. I’m o.k. with that. Baby steps are steps in the right direction.

After lunch I ran a couple of errands and went to pick up Liam and Quinn from school. Such a treat for me. There is nothing I love more than seeing their faces light up when they see that I am there to pick them up from school. It has always been one of  my favorite things, but now it means so much more to me because I am often not able to do it. They were very happy and excited to tell me all about their day. I love that they are doing so well in school and seem to enjoy it so much. One less thing I have to worry about.

Mimi, Papa, and Kathy stayed all day and for part of the evening tonight so Wood and I could go grab dinner. We went to Chelsea’s for a quick bite. It was nice to be out alone with him. We talked a lot about New York and our plan and have the dates pretty much finalized. Woody will take me out there and when he is not there, Mimi Kay will stay with me. Karen, Tricia, and Sarah have all offered to come out during part of the time too and I just may take them up on that. I’ve got a couple of people out there that I know so hoping to connect with them as well. The more support we have, the better. It’s going to be quite a journey.. I am going to have to gather all of my strength to get him though this next chapter.

That’s all for tonight. Very tired, hoping for some peaceful sleep without nightmares. Goodnight, friends. ❤