A Runaway Death in a Mental Institution with a Maybe Baby

Ronan. I know what I’ve been doing. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. It’s how I have to be. When I need the quiet and the stillness, it’s to the inferno I go. That’s my time to be in tune with myself and you. It’s where I feel the closest to you. I might have to be taking a break from that Inferno for a while.

I know everyone has been worried since I have not been writing. I hope they are not worrying too much. Do they wonder if I ran away? To New York City like I often dream about. Or maybe I finally cracked and checked myself in a mental institution where I sometimes think I belong. Or maybe I died like I have wished for a thousand times. Is it another maybe baby? That would have thrown me right over the edge.

Ronan do you remember how we would talk about a baby and how badly you wanted one? We would talk about baby names and how you were going to make the best big brother and as soon as you got better, we talked about how we would have another baby. Your daddy brought it up with me a lot and I always just put him off by saying, “We can talk about it when Ronan gets better.” It was only really with you, that I would talk about another baby. Things with you got worse and worse and of course the baby thing was totally off my radar because all I cared about was you getting better. I still don’t know how you didn’t, how you died, and how you are no longer here with us. All of still feels like it’s not real, at times. I still sometimes wait for you to come running through the door, but you never come. The whole baby thing was whispered about here and there, and then I had that whole maybe baby thing in my head which turned out to be just that…. a baby that I thought I was having. I was crushed when I found out it wasn’t real. I made a decision at that point to never again, put that much pressure on myself about getting pregnant or maybe being pregnant. I couldn’t have the build up again only to be let down. It mentally broke me when I thought I was not capable of being broken down anymore. I had people bring it up a lot. “Do you think you’ll try for a baby?” My response was always, “If it happens, it happens.” Non chalet. Calm. Relaxed about it. I had secretly told myself in my head that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because of course, I don’t deserve to feel anything but pure torture, sadness and pain for the rest of my life.

I’m pregnant. Did I just write that? Yeah. I just wrote that, which is why I haven’t been writing to you on here at all. You know I can’t write when I can’t talk about what’s really going on. I’m not good at not being able to blab about things. It all came out of nowhere really. I was a Victoria’s Secret, getting a new bra. I’d better get measured I thought to myself. I have been a 34 C since I was 18. The girl helping me got out her little measuring tape and wrapped it around me. I told her I have always been a 34 C. She goes, “You are actually a 36 D.” What? I thought to myself. What the HELL? I do NOT want to be a 36 D! I left there with my new bra and a could it be a maybe baby floating through my head. I pushed that aside and went on with my day as it was Friday and we were having your Olivia over to hang out with us. That night I thought to myself, “Weird… my period is supposed to be in the next day or two, and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.” I whipped out a pregnancy test and peed on the stick thinking it was nothing, that sometimes my period just doesn’t come anymore due to my stress/lack of appetite/exercise regimen.  So, I peed and waited. I left the room for a few minutes. I came back and looked at my test. Two lines. What??? This can’t be. I went to show your daddy. He was skeptical. O.k. I’ll test again, tomorrow. I did. And the day after that too. I got 4 positive tests and no period. I spent the weekend sleeping, a lot and letting my mind absorb the news. I’ve been so tired, that I can hardly make it through the day, without a nap. That never happens. My body is working overtime I guess. I went to the doctor on Monday, just to confirm everything. I took a urine test there too, and I waited in the little room, for the results. The nurse practitioner came in to see me. “How have you been feeling,” she asked. I told her, “Just really, really tired.”  She then goes, “So you got a positive test result at home?” I said, “I got 4 positive test results at home.” I waited for her to say something while I had a few seconds of thinking to myself, “Uh-oh. Am I back in crazy land and this is all in my head?” She looked up at me, smiled, and goes, “That’s what we got, too.” We went over a few things like how important it is for me to rest. She told me a solid 8-10 hours a sleep a night with a nap everyday. She told me how important it is for me to be eating a lot of protein. I made another appointment to see her along with my OBGYN on September 4th for an ultrasound. I got up and walked out of the room. She said to me, “Congratulations, you’re about to add to your family!” I just looked back at her and gave her a small smile. I really just wanted to say, “Well, what about Ronan? Why can’t he be here for this, too?” I got in my car and drove off not sure where I was going.

My phone rang, like it always does, when it’s supposed to.

“Hello.” me, crying.

“What’s wrong?” said the voice on the other end.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell your Sparkly this news over the phone but that’s just what happened because I couldn’t explain my crying any other way.

“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why Ronan had to die and now I’m pregnant and he can’t be here to share this with us.”

“Oh my goodness, darling! This is great news! I am so happy for you, this is going to be wonderful for you. You are such a wonderful mom, you deserve to have a little sunshine in your life.” He went on and on about that’s enough with the inferno hiking, how it’s time to take care of myself, and how he I just needed to rest and listen to my body. “I know this is hard for you and I know how badly you miss Ronan. I miss him so much too. I know how worried, scared, happy, sad and confused you are. I understand all of this. You know I do. But I promise you, this baby is going to be so good for you.”

I could literally hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I let that make me happy. It’s not often I get to make your Sparkly smile because of good news. The funny thing is, he knew I was pregnant, before I did. Last week, he looked at me and said, “Are you pregnant?” I just laughed at him and said, “No, Sparkly. I’m not pregnant. And what if I can’t get pregnant? What if I’m too old now?” He looked at me and said, “Nonsense. You are only 34. You still have plenty of time.” I said, “I hope you’re right.” And of course, he was, just like he always is. That bloody soul knows me better than I know myself.

I called a few people after I found out the news. Your Nana. Dr. JoRo. Macy. I sobbed in the phone to Macy and listened as she cried with me. She told me how she knew how I was so torn about this, but how good it was going to be. How she knows that the timing of this is just perfect because she has literally watched me come back to life. I know she was so scared for me last summer. I think everyone was. She told me how proud she is of the way I am engaging with your brothers and your daddy again. How this will be so good and healing for all of us. Her talk made me feel a little better. I’ve let this all sink in, very slowly. I have to take the time to process things in a way that I never have had to, before.

I wonder a lot about if this is part of your plan. I already wonder if this baby will look like you. It will be a part of you which means this baby will be nothing short of amazing. I will let myself feel happy and excited when the time is right. As of now, I just want to absorb all of this in a delicate way by being true to what it is, I am feeling. Right now it’s a mix of emotions, and there is a sadness/happiness combined. I am trying to be true to both of those things. I am trying to be true, to all of this, for you.

I’m tired little bug. I would give anything for you to be here, with all of us. I’m so sorry you are not. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

A maybe baby

Ronan. How can I be this upset over something that I was not sure that I was ready for? Because I had spent all last week preparing myself for it, just in case I was right. So, my emotions went from, oh no I’m not ready…. to o.k. if it is so, I can totally be ready/do this. I let myself feel sad/happy/scared/excited. I had myself convinced I was right. Turns out, I was wrong. Turns out, my body/hormones are completely out of whack due to stress/sadness/not having you. I’m not an out of whack person. My emotions stay pretty even keeled, even while dealing with not having you here anymore. I am a pretty level-headed person. This whole thing has kind of thrown me for a loop. I spent the weekend giving into my tiredness. I was nice to myself which I tend not to be anymore. I spent all weekend hanging out around the house doing all the old things we used to do with you. It’s normally hard for me to be in our house, but over the weekend I really enjoyed doing the simpleness of not much, with your brothers and daddy. I enjoyed all of this due to the maybe baby that I had gotten used to.

Then Monday came. I woke up so exhausted again. What is going on? I am sleeping fine at night without Ambien. I only wake up once and that is always at the 3:25 a.m. time that I swear to you, is your way of trying to get to me. After I wake up, pace the house, toss and turn, cry, sometimes not cry, I fall back asleep. I’m pretty sure I am getting in a good 6-7 hours of sleep. That’s a lot for me. The blood test I had done on Friday, came back negative. As in, you are totally not prego. O.k…… I thought to myself. So strange, my intuition/being in tune with myself is usually pretty accurate. Within moments of this phone call, the tears started. Wait… why am I crying? I thought to myself. I didn’t give myself much time to rationalize all the reasons why because clearly it was out of my control. So I cried. I called my Little M who I can always count on to make things sound logical/rational for me. I was sobbing so hard she couldn’t even understand what I was saying. After about a 20 minute conversation this is what we figured out.

1) Deciding that I/we, want/hope to have another baby, is mentally exhausting in itself. It’s taken a lot of work for me to get to this point.

2) I don’t get to be a normal mama ever again. Everything I do comes with heightened emotions. A maybe baby included. This is a whole new me for me. I’m usually so very calm about things.

3) This would have been nice because it would have just been something that pretty much just happened, not something that we really tried for.

4) I had my hopes up. I allowed myself to get excited… I allowed myself to think about the future, which I often don’t do. Most days, I am just trying to get through the day. I thought I would be o.k. with the maybe baby not being real, when in reality, I feel disappointed and sad. I guess I wanted it to be real, more than I thought.

5) This maybe baby, wasn’t meant to be. Or as Marisa said, this wasn’t meant to be your baby. There will be a time, this will all work itself out, when it is meant to be.

I stopped crying after I hung up with Little M. She made me feel better, like she does with everything. She even through in an “I’m sorry and can somebody just throw you a freaking bone?!” I don’t know if they can or not, but I’ll sit here and wait.

I spent the rest of the day crying/talking to myself and you. I went hiking. I talked to you out loud. I didn’t listen to my blaring music like I normally do. Dr. JoRo asked me to hike quietly. I listened to her. I told you all the things I always tell you, like how sorry I am. How much I miss you. How sometimes I don’t know how I’ll do this all, without you being here. I talked to myself about how I need to stop trying to control things that are not in my control such as life and death. I need to respect that I am not in control of certain things and when they don’t go my way, I need to just give into that and not beat myself up about it. I talked in my head about the logical aspect of all of this/the lesson learned/what I hoped to gain for the future. I tried my best to rationally play everything out in my head. I heard the screaming voice yelling at me that all logic flew out the window when you died. I tried my best to ignore that voice. I ran down the mountain as fast as I could go, wiping the dirty tears off of my face. I told myself things like, “You are o.k. you are going to be o.k. you have survived the worst thing possible, you can get through anything.” I gave myself a pep talk. I came home, showered, and picked your brothers up from school. I played the good mommy role that seems to be coming easier to me now. We did their homework, I fed them a snack, and we did an art project together. I made a big fuss over how proud I am of both of them, which I didn’t even have to force. This shows me I am healing a little. The things that used to take a ton of effort, are falling back into place a little more easily.

I’m still completely wiped out. I gave into all of this last week, but I am fighting it this week. I’ve got too much to do and I don’t have time to sit around and being tired. I am hoping I will get my energy back up, otherwise I’m going to be seriously worried. It may be my body’s way of remembering what is coming up in the next month. What my mind is trying so badly, to ignore. I don’t want the day you died to be here. I don’t want your birthday to be here, without you. I know I have to face all of this/make a plan. I will work on that this week, but no promises.

I told Rita I was blogging about this. I know it is a lot. I feel like I live on a freaking soap opera and I don’t like it. Although this is pretty personal…because I get the baby thing is personal and I don’t have to share it…but if I did not, that would be me not being true to myself/this life/what is going on, in our world. I started this saying I was in this for good. To share the good/bad/ugly/happy/sad/all of it. I couldn’t just ignore what has gone on and not write about this. That would not be fair, to anyone. You all have stuck through this with me, for this long. I’m not going to start sweeping really important things under the rug. The fact of the matter is, no matter who agrees with this decision or not… the whole maybe baby thing… it is our decision. Woody and I, made this decision a long time ago, before Ronan got sick. We both know this is something we want. We both feel like it is something that we need and would be really good for all of us. We love each other. We love Liam and Quinn. We love Ronan. We will love whatever/whomever comes in our lives next, when the time is right. We are a family that is broken, but we are broken together in the most loving, caring, happy/sad way possible. We will never be the same again and having just the 4 of us feels to wrong, to not try to make it, a little right. I’m not sure what a little right looks like at the moment, but I can tell you it’s not this.

I’m tired Ro baby. I love you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo