Screw this day, I’m taking an Ambien. 14 months without you is bullshit.

Ronan. Today is the 9th. 14 months without you. I woke up at 5 a.m. to take Macy to the airport. I hated that she was leaving on the 9th. I came back home and fell back asleep for a bit. I heard the text message on my phone go off. It was Macy. Her flight was canceled and she couldn’t leave to get back to San Francisco, until tonight. I texted her back. I told her that obviously you didn’t want her to leave either, since it was the 9th and you knew I needed her to stay. I went back to the airport to pick her up. We came back home and crashed out in our bed for a bit. I had to get up to take your brothers to basketball camp and I did that while our Macy, slept. I ran some errands. I watched your brothers play basketball. We came home and Macy helped me with the laundry. I looked at her and she could tell I was panicking. I asked her if it was alright if I went Inferno Hiking. She looked at me like I was crazy. It was 115 degrees today. I didn’t care. Please, Macy. I promise I’ll bring water. She said alright. I skipped out of the house. I filled up your Ronan backpack with a few frozen water bottles. I drove to our mountain. I didn’t turn on my headphones. I kept singing in my head some little song about “115 and I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care…” It wasn’t a very happy song. I pushed myself up the mountain as fast as I could go. I didn’t allow myself to stop for water until I got to the top. I was dry heaving by the time I got up there. If I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up everywhere. Good thing I hadn’t eaten all day long. My appetite has been back to not much lately. I can survive off of some string cheese and some fruit these days. I did make Macy and I some of your scrambled eggiess this morning. I ate a bite or two. I really made them, for you.

At the top of the mountain, our bench was too hot to sit on so I didn’t get to stay up there for long like I normally do. I tried to sit down, but my butt got scalded so fast that I quickly learned that when it is 115 outside, a rock made bench is not a good place to sit. I think I almost blacked out for a few seconds. I drank some water. I felt dizzy and thought to myself, “Hmmm. Maybe 115 was not such a good idea. But today is July 9th. It’s a danger day. This is a dangerous thing to do so I will just have to find a way back down the mountain, without passing out.” I managed. I looked for snakes, everywhere. I didn’t see any. I keep waiting for the day, that I get bit by a big rattlesnake. I have a plan of how I know it won’t even hurt because nothing hurts like the pain I live with everyday. I have a plan of calling 911 and telling them where I am, what just happened, and how long would it take for the rattlesnake venom to kill me. Just out of curiosity. I might have to google that one. I got down the mountain, somewhat delirious. I dry heaved again before getting into my car. I got home and took the coldest shower possible. I felt a raging headache coming on. Your brothers were hungry and I had to get Macy to the airport so I dropped them to your daddy and took Macy to catch her plane. She rubbed my back the entire way there. She asked how I was. I told her, “O.k.” She said, “No you are not.” I smiled my fake smile at her. We hugged in the car. We both cried. I got out to help her with her luggage. I grabbed her, held her, and kissed her sweet salty tears that were pouring down her cheeks. I tasted those tears of sadness, pain, loss and love as she loved you like you were her own. Her tears tasted just like mine. I wanted to lick her entire face to make her laugh but I just kissed her tears away instead. “I love you, Mace.” “I love you, too.” she said as I watched her walk away. I’ve been begging her all week to move here. She is our family now. She is the sister I never had but you made sure of it, didn’t you, Ro. You always knew that I wanted a sister so you picked Macy for me. Thank you. She makes everything better when it needs to be and everything sad when it needs to be that too. Everything that Macy brings into our world is always a natural vibe of energy, nothing is ever forced or pushed. She is good as just letting me be and I am good at being myself around her. No need for guards up. No need for fake smiles. That is refreshing for me. She is coming back for your September 29th event. I should know more details about that tomorrow. So, we will save your room for her. I like to lay in here with her too.

I came home with a raging headache. One that I hadn’t felt before. Almost a migraine I guess. Too much sun and the sad memories came flooding in today. I saw us all at the Ryan House. They had taken your body away. We had to go and wake up your brothers. Your daddy grabbed Liam first. I woke Quinn up next. “Is Ronan coming home, too?” He asked me. “No sweetheart. Ronan is gone. He can’t come with us.” Quinn looked up at me with his eyes pouring tears.”Where is Ronan?” “Come with me Quinn, I’ll take you to where he was.” I took Quinn to the bed that you died in. I let him lay in it for a while. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He clung on to your GiGi tighter than I have ever seen him hang on to anything in his life. “Are you ready to go? Daddy and Liam are in the car.” He shook his head. I picked him up and watched as the staff watched us walk out of that place. I wonder what they thought. Did they just think, “Oh so sad, but life goes on?” Do you think they took into consideration how broken and shattered our lives would now be? How nothing will ever be alright or the same again? We rode home in silence. Your car seat was already taken out of the car. I sat where you should have been sitting. The sun was rising. My phone kept ringing. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. “When can I come over?” I read his texts. “I’m so sorry. I don’t have words. I need your address.” I don’t think I responded. I got home and pounded about 10 sleeping pills and don’t remember much except for hearing Sparkly leave our house. I called him. “You were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you.” “No. I’m up. Come back. Where is Ronan? I need him! I need to see him. Is he here?” “Darling, lay back down, I’ll check on you later.” “Fine. Fine. Fine. Everything is fine. I’m laying back down. I need more sleeping pills. Goodbye.” I passed out for much more of the evening. I don’t remember seeing anyone but I know they were around. The only face I wanted to see most was just gone! Just gone, just like that. In the blink of an eye. I have the picture of you. Right before you died. Of you and me. Someday I will post it. I’ve decided that when somebody asks me how you died, I’m going to just come out and say, “Oh, my Ronan was murdered.” I’ll watch as these new strangers become outraged and so angry. Then I’ll say, “He was not only murdered, but he was bullied, beaten and murdered by this asshole called Childhood Cancer. I wonder if the truth about childhood cancer, really came out, how people would really feel. Nope. It’s not just a story about cute bald-headed kids wearing sweet looking hats and being happy heroes. The truth is these kids are getting beaten up, bullied, and murdered over and over, every single day. Maybe if the truth was shown, more people would be so outraged, that they couldn’t look away any longer. Something has to change. You will never hear me say the words, “Ronan is an angel now.” That makes it seems like it is o.k. and it is so no o.k. My child should not have to be an angel. He wasn’t ever one in the life that he lived here, so why would he be one anywhere else? That’s not the Ro I knew for almost 5 years if you count the 9 months I carried him in my stomach. He wasn’t even an angel then. He was my extra spicy monkey who made his own rules and listened to no one. You know what else I remembered today, Ronan. Such a little detail but I remembered that I had a french manicure on my nails the day you died. I have not worn one since and I will never wear one again. I hate french manicures and I know you did too. You always wanted the brightest most sparkly colors on your toes. That’s what I’ve been wearing for you. It makes me smile.

I’m going to go now, baby doll. My headache is almost gone and I need to get some sleep. Remind me to tell you about the dream I had the other night. I’m too tired to talk about it now. I’m sorry, Ronan. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, love of my life.

xoxo

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