I will never stop wishing for you.

I was telling Charisma a few days ago that I don’t dream of you very often. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve dreamt of you since your death. I don’t know why that is because you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. Last night I dreamt about you, and today, I have had a tough time functioning. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve had a day where I cannot stop crying. I went and had an oil change and cried in the service station. I went to the grocery store and cried in my car before. I came home and let my tears splash down my face until they were kissed away by the most beautiful man, but he knows to let them continue to fall. I worked on my book but cried almost the entire time. I picked Poppy up from school and had a hard time driving to get her. I came home, unable to help her with her homework because I couldn’t function. I apologized to her and told her about my dream, and that I had a hard day. She told me it was ok and hugged me.

In my dream, you were about three, and you looked just like you always did with your delicious smile and ocean-colored eyes. We were playing hide and seek, and you kept saying to me, “Did you know? Mama, did you know?” I don’t know what you were talking about, and it’s killing me. Did I know how sick you were? Did I know how much pain you were in at the end of your life? Did I know you were going to die? Did I know how much you loved me? “Did you know,” could mean anything. Did you know? Did you know how much you were loved? Did you know how hard we tried to save you? Did you know I would have traded my life for yours in a heartbeat? Did you know how much we would miss each other? Did you know the more time passes, the more I ache for you? Eleven years later doesn’t make this pain any less; it almost hurts more. My birthday is coming up, and all I want is you. I know that one wish will never come true, but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to wish for you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Fuck cancer. #ronan #fuckcancer #grief #iloveyoutothemoonandback