Ronan. The only thing guaranteed in life is death. And once again death comes knocking on my door and I have no choice but to answer it.
My Monday morning started off beautifully. Most people hate Mondays, but I am obsessed with Mondays. It’s still the quiet Sundays that destroy me. The Sundays where too much family time exists which you know I love, but they are still so painful as the reminder of your absence always seems extra heavy on Sundays. Mondays to me are beautiful. I look forward to being productive, too busy, and getting started on all the tasks I need to complete for the week. Last Monday started out just like normal. I took your brothers to school, Poppy and I ran to the store to get groceries so I could have a hot meal on the table for your daddy and brothers that night. I came home, unpacked everything, fed your sister, listened to your Nana as she filled me on the tragedy of the day which happened to be my brother’s new puppy who jumped off his couch and broke her little leg. Your Nana was very upset about this situation because his sweet little puppy was in pain and was now needing to have an emergency surgery. I hung up with her and told her to keep me posted on what ended up happening. I went on about my day as if it were any other Monday. I put Poppy in my bed for her nap (yes, still co-sleeping/my daughter will die if she sleeps alone/i’m fucking paranoid) and my phone rang right as she was getting ready to fall asleep. It was Nana calling and normally I would have ignored this call (sorry, mom) but only because I don’t want to pick up and take the chance of waking Poppy. I picked up this time because she was so upset earlier in the day about the dog and I wanted to make sure everything was alright.
“Maya… it’s your Dad. He’s dead.”
I jumped out of bed. “What?! What are you talking about?! No he’s not!”
I heard my mom’s voice shaking on the other end. “Shawn found him dead at Carol’s house.”
I jumped out of bed, grabbed Poppy and ran her back to her room where Kassie was getting ready for work (Kassie is living with us, have I told you that yet? I’m so far behind on an update and I’m so sorry about that).
Kassie saw the look on my face as I’m sure I was as white as a ghost. I somehow managed not to drop Poppy on her head while handing her to Kass. “What’s wrong?!” she asked.
“My dad. It’s my dad. He’s dead!” I ran out of the room after I knew Poppy was safe with Kass and outside to try to get some more information out of my mom. I fell to the ground, clutching my phone.
“How? Who found him? Where? What time? He wasn’t sick! I don’t understand!”
My mom did her best to explain to me what she knew, but she didn’t know much. All she knew was he was found in bed at his wife’s house where he had lived for many years and after his wife found him, she flipped out and called my brother.
“I’ll call you back when I know more, honey. I’m so sorry.” Click went the phone and I couldn’t get up off the ground. I tried calling your daddy over and over again. No answer. I pressed the number right underneath your Daddy’s. Ring, ring, ring…
Mr. Sparkly Eyes picked up.
“Hi. Ummm… I don’t understand…I don’t know what happened,” my voice was small, shaky and the sky was spinning. I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Darling, what’s wrong?” he said.
“It’s my dad. He’s dead. My dad is dead and I don’t know what happened.”
I heard his voice on the other end.
“Shit. What? What happened? Tell me what you know. Who do I need to call? Did you call Woody?”
“I called Woody, I can’t get a hold of him. My brother found him, I don’t know anything. My mom is going to call me back.”
“Do you want me to call your brother or your mom? Tell me who to call.”
I started crying. “I don’t know. Don’t call anyone yet. I need to talk to my mom again. Fuck!! This cannot be happening!”
I hung up with Sparkly after I heard him telling me how sorry he was and to call him back to let him know who he should call.
I was still sitting on the patio when Poppy, Kassie and Teddy (crap, did I tell you we got a dog?) came to find me.
I called and texted Woody frantically for the next 45 minutes, not aware of where my body physically was. One minute I was in our backyard, the next minute I was hiding on the side of our house, huddled in a corner where the tears splattered at my feet and I could hear Kassie taking care of Poppy while trying to get Teddy back in the house as he had run out into the front where he was trying to find me.
I went back into the backyard where I sat on my little brick garden area. A hummingbird flew right in front of my face, stopped, stared at me for a few seconds and flew away. I had one of those moments where I went, “Wait, did that really just happen?” It did. I haven’t seen a hummingbird in months and I almost never see them in our backyard. I know that was your way of telling me it was true, my dad was dead and now he is with you.
Finally, my phone rang and it was your daddy.
“Sorry, I was in court, what is going on?!”
I screamed into phone, “Why haven’t you been answering?! My dad is dead!”
The next thing I knew, your daddy walked through the kitchen door, asked Kassie to watch Poppy as thankfully she had called into work to let them know she would be late and led me back to our bedroom where I crawled into bed and tried to pull the covers up over my head while I made some sort of decision as what needed to be done. I had a plane reservation for Friday to fly out to Washington for Uncle Shawn’s girlfriends baby shower (did I tell you he is having a baby and it’s a girl?!) Your daddy called the airline and had my flight changed for that very next morning. I just wanted to get home asap. I left that morning with Poppy and somehow managed to get to Portland while taking care of your very, very, very extra spicy sister which I can usually handle well, but under these circumstances I am surprised I didn’t forget her at the security check point.
We landed in Portland and Papa Jim picked us up. Poppy screamed the entire last hour of the flight, “PAPA!! PAPA, PAPA, PAPA!” She is just a little obsessed with your Papa Jim. Papa was waiting for us at the airport and the car ride home was so heavily sad that I don’t remember much of it. We arrived at Nana’s, I think I unpacked our suitcase and got Poppy changed and ready for whatever was to come next. The next few hours were a blur as I was still trying to figure out the details of what had happened. I was having so much information thrown my way that processing what had actually happened wasn’t in the cards just yet. Decisions had to be made as far as what to do with my dad. I left Poppy in the care of Nana and Papa while I went to the funeral home to meet Uncle Shawn, his girlfriend, and Grandpa Steve’s wife, Carol. Uncle Shawn grabbed me as soon as he saw me and let me cry in his arms before we walked into the funeral home. I came prepared with my shaky notes.
I remembered the conversations I had earlier in the day. Dr. Jo’s voice was filling my head. “You need to see his body, Maya. Please. I can walk you through it if you need me to.”
“I can’t do that. I just can’t.” I told her as she listened to me cry.
She told me that I could.
I heard Mr. Sparkly Eyes’ words after I told him what Dr. Jo had said. “I agree with her. You need to see him.”
“But I’m scared,” I told him.
“I know you are, but trust me you need to do this…” I listened to the rest of what he had to say.
Soon, we were seated around a table with a man who worked there and there were no words of “I’m sorry for your loss,” it just turned into a straight business transaction. I felt myself becoming hot and flushed. My normally calm, cool and collected self starting burning with anger and disgust.
I had to protect my father, our family, and this guy was just making all sorts of decisions on our behalf without even asking us a thing.
“Wait, how do you know we are even going to use your services? We haven’t’ decided anything yet except we know we would like him cremated. What are our options? What are your prices? How do we know he’s in the best care with you?”
Fuck. All things I didn’t get to ask with you, Ronan came pouring out like a fucking flood of emotions that I was not capable of controlling.
“Wait, your price is what?! That is outrageous. I have a quote from another place for half of that amount and they will come and pick up my father at no extra cost.”
Thank God for Nana who had taken the time to research some other places.
I got up, left the room, and called the other place. The sweetest lady picked up and listened to me cry on the phone when I told her what the situation was and I told her I wanted to know what my options were with them.
My brother’s girlfriend came to find me and found me huddled on the floor on the phone. “We can’t keep him here! The guy didn’t even say sorry and now he wants to rip us off! I won’t stand for people who pray on people during the worst times in their lives! It’s like he’s trying to sell us a used car! This is my father, not some business transaction!
I’ve only met Uncle Shawn’s girlfriend once before and I’m sure she was like, “Holy fuck my probably future sister-in-law in insane.”
I listened to the lady on the other end as she spoke so kindly about their services with the depth and compassion that I so needed to hear at that time.
I just have one question, “I need to see him before he is cremated. Can I do that at your facility?”
I couldn’t. It wasn’t that kind of fancy place as they strictly are providing the cremation and that is it. I thanked the lady for her time and told her if we didn’t end up using them it was only because I had decided that I needed to see my dad, one last time.
I walked back into the round table of insanity and felt myself slip out of my body as the dude in charge told me he checked with his boss and they would price match the other place that I had gotten my quote from.
I looked up and there was nothing I could do, word vomit everywhere.
“Can I ask you something? How do you do this job? Seriously? How do you wake up and do this everyday? I’m really curious. I just don’t understand how you can just look at dead bodies all day…”
I’m pretty sure Uncle Shawn slumped down in his seat and put his hands in his head. I was no longer of control of the things that came out of my mouth due to the shock, disbelief, regret, sadness, and reminder of you, Ronan that hung in the air. All the things I didn’t do after your body was taken away, mostly because I didn’t know I had options. I could throw up knowing now that you were in a cold morgue for days before you were cremated without me. I should have been there with you. I should have been taking care of you until the very last second. I should have not let them cremate you on your fucking 4th birthday, but I had no idea I had a choice in any of this because nobody fucking informed me.
I was not about to make the same mistakes with my father.