If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful

Today, my soul is crushed. I can’t take losing another friend while going through all of this. Especially this friend. I love her too much. But I hurt her feelings, and her feelings are valid. I just hope she understands that my actions are not my own. I did not intentionally mean to hurt her, leave her out, or break her trust. Yes, I may blog and write about all the fabulous dinners and lunches and things I am doing with my friends. But these things are not as fabulous as they sound. Most of the things I do happen very last minute, and it is usually very close girlfriends who are banging on my front door to drag me out of the house. Sometimes, I have a nice time, and sometimes it is all I can do to force a meal down my throat without crying the entire time. Trust me; my life is not as glamourous¬†as it sounds. I am just very lucky to have the girlfriends I do to try to take my mind off what my world is now. To this friend; and you know who you are; bottom line is I love you and I refuse to lose you. I don’t care about any of the things that you think are important to me. They are not. You are. So please, hear me out and don’t walk away from this or me. I’ve also said it before and I’ll say it again…. It is very hard to be my friend right now and I get that. But you never need an invitation to come and see me or go to the lunches or dinners I do. Your invitation is always waiting with open arms. Just call me. Text me. Invite yourself. I would never say no. I am proud to have you as my friend and in my life. Please don’t leave me. I know this is not too much for you too handle, because I know the type of girl you are. I need you, I love you, and I’m sorry. I have known you for over half of my life and I will make this right because I know your heart is true. One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

I wrote that earlier today, while Ronan was napping. My friend called me and we talked, cried, and expressed how we are both feeling. We were adults about it and worked it out. That is what true friendship is about. She is not willing to say peace out and neither am I. We are both learning important lessons along the way and growing. Our friendship hit a little bump in the road, but that is also the ultimate test. It is something we both know that we can fix because she loves me as much as I love her.

I hate days like today. I hate days where I can’t stop the tears. I’m supposed to be stronger and this is supposed to be getting easier. I think I’ve cried more tears in the past few months then I have in my entire life. I know, I know, I know…. positive thinking, everything is going to be o.k. I tell myself these things a hundred times a day. Ronan asks why I am sad and I say, “I’m just sad that you are sick. I don’t want you to be sick.” He looks at me with his big blue eyes, wraps his arms around me and says, “I don’t want to be sick either.” Then he holds me and lets me cry. He is so wise for being only 3 and just looking into his eyes, I know he is going to be fine. I just hurt for all he is going to have to go through to get to that point. I hurt for a million different reasons…. are you all tired of my whining yet?? Debbie Downer is here to stay for a while and I get that you all may not want to listen to it over and over…… I am in the process of getting a new website built and I will focus one blog on just Ronan, and one on my feelings and what I am going through. I get that everyone does not want to hear the things I am feeling all of the time. It’s not much fun to read. But I started this blog and I’m not going to stop writing how I feel. If anything, maybe I’ll help another family who is going through something like this know that they are not alone. I know their pain all too well.

Today, my friends Niki, Heidi and Christy stopped by just to say hello and catch up. Ronan sat on the couch with me and fell asleep while they were here. It was good to spend some time with them. My dear Christy also took the Claude necklace that she gave me to get fixed. It has been through some rough times and the back was falling off. I wear that thing whenever Ronan has anything done. I rub it and talk to it a lot. Sounds silly, but it works for me. My other friend, Gay, came by to pack up my Halloween stuff. Ronan was tickled to see her. She sat and played with him for an hour and he giggled the entire time. You can tell she is a mom of 3 boys; Ronan adores her. After she left, Ronan took a good nap and let me hold him. I think he knew I was having a rough day so he didn’t put up a fight about it like he normally does about napping. He woke up demanding to go to the grocery store and pitched a fit when I told him we couldn’t. Too many germs out there right now that I don’t want to expose him to. He wouldn’t give up on it and the madness went on for a good hour. He is so stubborn and when he wants something, there is no talking him out of it. As soon as Liam and Quinn came home, I took them all to get shaved ice to try and get Ronan to forget about the grocery store. Worked like a charm and he was happy as a clam. I then went to pick up my dry cleaning and got to see my favorite friend, Halle<3 She is my dry cleaning lady and about the sweetest person on the planet. She always puts a smile on my face:)

Ronan is hitting bottom. His energy is zapped and I can tell his levels are dropping. We go to the clinic tomorrow so we will see where is numbers are. He does not often sit still and watch T.V. and that is what he did today. Today has been a quiet day for him and he has been very needy. I know it is because his “Magic Medicine” is doing it’s job and killing the cancer. It is a very good thing that he is responding the way he is to all of this. We need him to get sick before he can get better.