Inferno Fuckwad Bob

Ro baby. So, remember how I told you I was going to stop cold turkey, taking my Zoloft…. mainly because everyone told me not to. That I needed to slowly come off from it. I didn’t listen. I stopped taking it over two weeks ago. I did it, all by myself and I’m still here. I didn’t have any side effects. I just feel better. One less medication that I am on. I do not want to live my life with the help of Zoloft. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just want to find another way to get through this pain and I don’t want any help from a pill. I tried this last night with the Ristoral I am taking to help me sleep. I tried not to take it. It was awful. I tossed and turned for a few hours, while lying next to your Daddy. I dozed off, here and there but the screaming in my head was too much to take. The dreams were too mean and vivid. I got up, around 12:30, and paced the house; looking for you. I took 2 of my sleepy meds and ate a bowl of cereal. I had not eaten all day long. I crawled up into Liam’s top bunk bed and fell asleep until 7 a.m. I woke up groggy, and felt hung over. Your Daddy looked worried as he could see the glazed over look in my eyes. He decided to take Liam and Quinn to school for me. It was a good thing, because I mentally was a wreck today. I don’t remember what happened next, but before I knew it, I was laying my head on the kitchen table, sobbing into your blanket, with your Urn in front of me. I went and grabbed the locket that Macy got me, that does not have a picture of you in it yet. I got out the scissors and cut open the plastic holder that keeps your ashes sealed. I found some glue, rubbed it on the inside of the locket, took my hands and picked up some of your ashes. I felt them for the first time. I kissed them and I took a little of them and sprinkled them to the inside of the locket filled with glue. Fernanda called. I ignored her phone call. I sat and sobbed with you instead. She called, again, about 20 minutes later. I picked up this time. “What are you doing?” she said. I couldn’t talk, so I didn’t say anything; I just sat and cried into the phone. “Where are you?!” she asked in her beautiful English, Spanish, and Italian accent. “Home,” I said. She said,”I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” And she was. She pulled up and I opened up the door, my face black from my mascara. I really need to freaking invest in some waterproof mascara at this point in my life. She grabbed me and let me cry all over her all white blouse. My angel.

We sat at the table for a bit. I told her what I had just done with some of your ashes. I said to her, what if these had been your beautiful blue eyes. She told me they were not. Your eyes, left long before you were cremated. I agree. She put her head down on the table with me and we sat and cried and talked. I told her I needed to get coffee if I was going to function at all today. We ran to Safeway and sat on the couch at the Starbucks. A woman came and sat down next to us. She overheard some of our conversation. We started talking to her. Turns out, she had a 2-year-old who had died, and she had lost a baby from a miscarriage as well. She told me how lucky I was to have a friend, like Fernanda… as she had nobody. All I wanted to do was take this woman home and love her. She does not have a Liam and Quinn to keep her going. She does not have a reason to get up in the morning. But she has found one…. whatever it may be. That is true strength. I told her about your website, and I gave her one of the MISS Foundation cards. I told her about them. She said she didn’t even know something like that existed. I told her to call them. I hope she will. I wish I could have done more for this woman today; but I did all I could do.

The rest of the day was a blur. Quinn went to Dr. Beth. He is so needing her now. As well as your brothers are doing in school…. which from what I can tell, they are excelling….. I know this outside help is so important for them now. I know in the long run, it will make a difference. We are choosing to face this head on, not bury it down in the ground. Their therapy is a big part of this so I plan on continuing it for as long as we need…. even if it is for the rest of their lives. I hope it won’t be, as I want them to be able to go on and live normal, happy lives. But to get them to that point, this is so necessary.

I went to see Dr. Joanne. It was a really long, intense session. I ended up being able to write out that grief worksheet before I saw her. I wrote it out this morning, in a really random, public place. I have struggled with the finding the words to fill it out all week. I have carried that worksheet all over with me, and when I sat with it today, the words to the questions just came pouring out. It took me only a few minutes to answer the 5 or 6 questions. One of the things I had to answer was, if I had to Name my grief; him/her, I’d call him/her…… ??? What???? I had to come up with a name for my grief. The name, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, just flew out of my head. That is what I wrote. I named my grief, INFERNO FUCKWAD BOB. I have no idea where in the world this name came from, but it is perfect. Dr. J sat with my sheet of paper and asked if I thought I could read it out loud to her. I told her No. She asked if she could read it out loud. I said yes. So she did. I think I cried while she was reading my words. I think I bawled pretty much the entire time I sat and talked with her today. When she got to the name of your grief part, hearing her say that out loud, made me laugh. She giggled a bit too, and told me she had heard some interesting names for Grief in her time, but this may have been the most interesting. It was at that point, that I knew that there was no other name in the world for my pain, my hurt, my grief. Inferno Fuckwad Bob, it is. I hope he is not always so present in my life, but for now he is; and I cannot ignore him.

After our session, I came home, threw on my hiking clothes and drove to The Inferno. I ran my butt off up the mountain. I saw Mountain Mike again, which was strange because I was there much later in the day than I usually am. He was coming down as I was running up. I took out my headphones to say Hello. We chatted for a minute, then he said for me to keep going as he didn’t want to keep me. As I got to the top of the mountain, I took my time to talk to you. I didn’t see the Eagles today, but that was o.k. I did some stretching and breathing. I put my headphones on full blast and got ready to run as fast as I could down the mountain. Just as I was getting ready to run, I got this text from Dr. Joanne.

Goosebumps ran down my spine. I had gone into the bathroom, after I left her office. I just needed to wipe down my face and dry my eyes. I was in the bathroom for maybe 30 seconds. I am always intentionally leaving your bracelets places…. on my hikes, random restaurants, grocery stores, etc….. It never even crossed my mind to leave one in the bathroom of her office building today. But she found one, in the sink. I asked her if it was the naughty or nice version. It was the naughty. I thought I was totally out of all of those, but apparently one found it’s way to Dr. Joanne. So random. So something you would do. I have hesitated about giving her one…. just not wanting to overstep my boundaries as I know not everyone is comfortable with the F word. I guess you had other ideas and know she is deserving of wearing it. Because she is a badass:) I am so glad, baby. I thought so too, but you made it happen. Thank you for that and for making me smile so big after seeing that text from Dr. J.

As soon as I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go, and starting running as fast as my legs could possibly carry me, without falling on my face, another little thing happened. I have decided one of the ways you are communicating with me, is through music. I had my iPod blaring, and you had decided what my playlist was going to be. From the time I started running, until I stopped at my car, these are the songs that came on, in this order. Pearl Jam, Given to Fly. Coldplay, Fix You. Band of Horses, No One’s Gonna Love You, and it ended with Katy Perry, Firework. I mean really, Ro. That was so sweet of you. It made me smile, cry, smile, laugh and blow kisses up into the sky. I love you so much, baby. I miss you so much.

The rest of the evening was spent at home with your brothers, Daddy, Danielle and Dave stopped by with their new puppy; Bash. We sat outside and played with him. Such a sweet, simple night. I often feel you around when Danielle is with me. She is one of the people in my life that makes me feel peaceful. I needed that tonight. Thanks, D. Love you.

Alright, my “not spicy, little monkey boy. I’m going to try to get some sleep. Really want to do boot camp in the a.m. but have not been succeeding in waking up for my 5 a.m. booty, boot camp call. Maybe tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. G’night my love.

xoxo

Fiesta of Tears

Ronan. Hi little man. I missed you so much today. We had a lot of things going on that kept us busy at the beach. I packed the car full of your favorites; Quinny, Liam, Macy, and Nana. We ran a couple of errands and stopped at Costco on the way back home. It wasn’t very exciting, but it was nice to be out. We had to hurry back to get your brother, Liam, packed to go to Washington to see Papa Jim. It was kind of a last-minute decision, but he really wanted to go. I’m trying to look at this as a positive thing, but I am mostly just upset about it. I’m upset in the respect that if you would have been here, we would all be there together. I am upset in the respect that we have to be separated from Liam. It makes me most upset that our family is now broken, damaged, and so sad due to losing you. This is the first time in Liam and Quinn’s life that they have ever been away from each other on a vacation. It all feels weird and wrong. Thank GOD I still have Macy here as well as the Kotaliks. Quinn is getting a lot of time with the girls in and he is eating it up with a spoon. I talked to Liam and he arrived safely. He sounded so excited to be there. Papa Jim will bring him back Sunday night and the will stay a few days with us. That will be fun. I only wish you were here to play with all of us. For a split second, I thought that you would be and I imagined you playing outside with him. But then I remember. The fucking one thing I want not be true…………is.

I hate cancer. I texted that to Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Blubbering about how this is the first time in 14 years that I have not been home during the summer, how it is the twins’ first time being separated during a Washington vacation. How I hated cancer and how I was having a pity party. He replied back he does too and I am allowed to have as many pity parties as I need. He was so sorry. Everybody is sorry and sad. I hate that too. I hate the sadness that people now feel for us. I don’t want people to be sad around us. I want happy back before all of this existed.

Ro. I have to cut this short tonight as my Ambien is really kicking in. Also, that I have Macy and Quinn asleep beside me and they both seem so snuggly. I am tired. I miss you so much, boo. I hope you are safe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Please give Esther a kiss for me. Her mommy needs her tomorrow as it has been 2 months since she passed away. Make sure she spends some time with her tomorrow, o.k. Ro. I love you to the moon and back my sweet baby. Time to go into my Ambien coma now. The numbness is the only way I can fall asleep.

xoxo

Ronan. Hi baby boy. I think I started this yesterday. Last night maybe. I can’t really remember. Everything is blurry. I’m not sure how the days have been filled, but somehow they have been. I think a majority of my time is being filled with keeping Quinn busy and happy. Macy is doing a great job of helping me while your daddy and Liam are away. She is here with me still. I am so glad; she makes everything better. Today, we woke up a little late to the blaring sun. We decided to take Quinn out to Carlsbad to go Strawberry picking. We go there every time we are in San Diego during the summer. We were on our way, almost there, but I had to stop for gas. I decided to get a car wash too so we just ran through a little drive through one. We were sitting there and I was telling Macy how you used to love to go to the cheap drive through car wash in Phoenix with me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started to cry and so did she. Quinn just sat in the back quietly and watched us. Thank god we were distracted by a very minor “the car wash just ate the gas cap of my car emergency,” otherwise, I think we would have both sat there forever, crying. We took care of our situation and headed off to pick our Strawberries. It felt so wrong to be there without you today. I remember the last time we were there, with you. I snapped pictures of you and your brothers in the Strawberry fields together. Today, Quinn was an only child and I watched him as he wandered through the day without you and Liam. It made my heart heavy.

Quinny is stuck to me like glue. And not in a good way. Poor little guy. He cannot leave my side for 2 minutes. This has been going on pretty much since your funeral. It has gotten really bad over here though. I am doing my best to be patient with him as I know he is so scared. I am trying to talk to him about everything as much as possible, but I have mostly just been smothering him with love and attention that he seems to be craving so badly. He worries so much about everything… especially when I leave to go on my runs which is pretty much the only time that I am away from him. We have a lot of work to do when we return back home as far as getting us all into therapy. I am trying my best while we are here to work though things with him, but there is only so much I can do. Having Macy here for as long has she has been has been really helpful with everything. She is so good with me, the boys, with the Wooddawg. She is scared for us though. She told me last night about how hard it is for her to watch us all try to go on with our lives. How unfair this whole thing is and how she see’s the toll it is taking on our entire family. She is watching me struggle to breathe every second of the day. She is watching as I continue to push everyone away. She is watching as I continue to drown. I know what I look like. I know what it looks like from the outside because I often feel like I am watching myself from above my own body. I see myself, from above, all the time. I see myself under the water, trying to get to the surface for air, but I never do. I watch the bubbles reach the top, but never my body. I watch my eyes and I can tell you that I can see them crying the tears I cry, while I’m trying to get to the surface for air. It never happens. I see my eyes, and the bubbles and the dark, black ocean. I see Ronan. I think about this a lot during my runs when I am having a hard time breathing because I am running so fast. It makes me run faster. So does the thought of my “slayer,” attacking me. I daydream about that…. about the day that someone will come out and grab me on one of my runs and they will kill me, but not before I have the time to send Woody a text message saying how much I love him, Quinn and Liam, how they are all my soul mates but I have to go and be with my other soul mate now. Which is you, Ro. I daydream about the day I will be reunited with you all of the time and I go over all the different ways in which it could happen. I’m not scared of it. Even when I picture my eyes as I am drowning in a sea of black water…. my eyes are still vibrant green and they are happy; even though they are filled with tears. I’m not scared of death anymore. I watched you die right before my very eyes. I know when my time comes, it will be a beautiful thing and you will be waiting for me on the other side. I cannot wait for that day, until I see your little face again. To kiss your sweet lips and to hear your squeaky voice. I miss you so much.

After the Strawberry fields, we had nowhere special to be. We decided to drive down PCH and enjoy the scenery and sunshine. We opened the sunroof, blasted Pearl Jam, and watched the ocean come alive with surfers, people, birds, and sparkling sand. We stopped for lunch at a little Mexican food place as none of us had eaten today and Macy said she could not take being on the “Maya diet,” for one second longer. We sat and ate and started to talk about you. We talked about Dr. Kushner and have decided that the way he was with us, is just his personality. He cuts off all emotional ties when he knows the outcome is not going to be good. He has had to desensitize himself so he can do his job, the best way he knows how. Unfortunately, that means often making people feel more awful about their situation and leaving them feeling let down, helpless, and regretful. He is like a robot as I’m sure he decided a long time ago this is how he was going to be when he decided to become a Pediatric Oncologist. That still does not make it right and I will  have my sit down with him and he will look me in the eyes. I promised Ronan and myself. I will get this done. Sooner, rather than later. I want to go out there in the Fall. I’m not going to put this off.

I was telling Macy about your amazing hair color and how I was so sad she never knew you when you had hair. We started looking at pictures on my phone of you and the tears started again. At one point, I was so consumed by guilt for being in San Diego, at the beach, when there are so many sick kids with cancer right now. I felt like running right to the nearest hospital just so I could be in the presence of all of those amazing kids. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing something for them, at that moment. A lot of the guilt came from knowing I was sitting there with Macy and Quinn, with the sunshine on our backs, the memories of you flooding in, and how many kids are trapped in hospitals and do not have the freedom that we do. I don’t like this freedom I have without you, Ronan. It gives me major anxiety and I will never be able to enjoy it again. I look at people around me, who have no clue, and they are just so happy. Happy at the beach, happy together as a family, happy because they all still live in their little bubble of a world. It makes me want to throw up. In fact, I did throw up tonight after we came home. Just driving through the town of Coronado is enough to do me in. I get so sick to my stomach that we are here and you just died almost 2 months ago. FUCK. July 9th is coming up soon. It will have been 2 months since you passed away. That is not going to be a fun day. Please watch over me on that day, Ronan. I know you do everyday, but especially on that day. I hope you were with Esther last night. I wish I would have dreamt of you two, together. My dreams are black and empty. Just like my heart.

After our fiesta of tears, we hopped back in the car and continued on our way. We ended up pulling over in Del Mar to enjoy the amazing beach. Quinn, Macy and I all held hands and ran to put our toes in the sand. It was such a gorgeous time of day and the beach was breathtaking. Quinn took off, alone, and went to find some rocks. He never does things alone and I could see the sadness on his face as he had to do all of this without you and Liam today. He soon came over and asked if I would help him. I said of course and off we went. We ended finding some really pretty rocks for his collection which he is so into right now. He was so proud of them. Macy and I could have eaten him up with a spoon today. He really is everything, kind, sweet, and full of nothing but love. As I was getting my purse out to pay for parking at the beach today, Quinn goes, “I have money in my wallet, mom. I can pay for it.” Cutest thing ever. He has saved up his money and has offered to pay for anything  and everything. I keep telling him no, to save his money, but I know how proud it would make him to buy a little something for me. I’ll let him leave the tip at a restaurant or buy me a coffee soon. What a gentleman. Some girl is going to be very lucky one of these days.

We finally got home around 7:30 and everyone seemed pretty tired. We put in “The Wedding Singer,” and watched it together. Now, Quinn is in the middle of Me and Mace. They are snuggled up together so sweetly. Macy is like the sister I never had; but I should have. I totally have that sisterly connection with her and it has always come so naturally to us. I swear I’ve know her in a past life as well. Maybe we were sisters then. There has to be something….. the way we met, and had an instant bond. The way Ronan loved her so much and we all know how picky he is about people. He took to Macy instantly too. He knew Macy in a past life too; I’m just sure of it. I feel like the new people I’ve really, truly, deeply connected to since all of this, are people that Ronan and I have both known before. I’ve got my list….. there are about 10 people on it. I will forever hold these people close to my heart as I consider them family now. It’s as if I have a whole new family, thanks to Ronan. Just another one of his little gifts he has left behind. You, my son, amaze me everyday.

Alright my little man. It’s late and Macy told me I needed to go to sleep early tonight. Early means 2 a.m. not 4 a.m. I’m going to snuggle up with them now. I wish you were here to snuggle with us. I miss you baby. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my favorite blue eyed boy. I love you, Ro.

xoxo

  

Because I’m still in love with you

Clarity. It’s what I’ve found tonight. It came in many different forms. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. Darling(P.S., SB… that’s your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. that my New York Miss Macy made me. Clarity tonight is mine and I’m not letting it go. It’s as if my eyes have been blurred with a film of fog for months now, and the fog has finally been lifted. I have fought so many things, trying so hard to push away all the good and beautiful things I have in my life because I feel as if I don’t deserve them. Because I feel if Ronan is in so much pain, that I deserve to feel nothing but pain as well. I know that the pain that I feel most of the time is not going anywhere anytime soon… but I do deserve to have beautiful moments in my life such as tonight. I deserve these things because I am a good, true person who says what she feels and feels what she says. I am ready to feel again, something besides sadness and numbness. I am ready to feel these things because although sometimes I get caught up in the scariness and ugliness of our situation; I know what the outcome is going to be. Ronan is going to be fine. He is going to make it thought this and I have to remember to hold on to my grace and dignity. ( Thank you, CC for saving my life the other night;) Grace and dignity because after all of this is said and done; I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to look back at this journey and know that I would not have changed a thing about the way I handled all of this. Is my honesty a fault? I don’t think so, although others may say differently. This is me, this is my life, and you all get to watch the way it plays out in the way I handle things. I am not afraid to put all of this out there as I have nothing to hide. My truth is empowering to me and everyday I am learning something new about myself and the world around me.

My husband, has fought for months to get me back because he has watched the way I’ve pushed everything and everyone away. He hasn’t ever given up on me and tonight I was finally able to tell him everything I have been feeling and thinking. He knew all of it already and told me the story of how he never wanted to get married. He never thought he would marry because he didn’t think anyone was special enough to share his life with. That was until he met me. I was the one who changed his mind, I was and am the only one for him. He asked me tonight if I was sure if I still wanted to be with him. I told him I had never been more sure of anything in my life. I have been numb for months now, but ever since New York I have slowly been making my way back to Woody. I love that man with every bone in my body and I know I was meant to drift away from him so I could come back stronger than ever. So we could come back stronger together. I know this because I knew on our first date when I was just 21 years old, that I was going to marry Woody. I may have drifted, but I didn’t go far, and a lot has to do with the fact that he refused to give up on me. Not only has Woody been fighting for the life of our child, but he has been fighting for me as well. Until you go though something as devastating and hard as this, you have no idea how easy it is to just give up on everything. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this without my husband and I can’t do this by myself. I need him more than ever. He needs me just as much and I have to go back to being a wife to him. Yes, Ronan is my number one focus…. but the neglect that my husband has felt is not o.k. He deserves so much better. Being with Woody feels so good to me, but it also hurts so much. Looking into his eyes is like looking into a reflection of my own eyes which are filled with so much pain and sadness. But at least I have him to share this with and someone who knows what I am feeling and understands. He is the only one in my life who truly gets it and I cannot push him away any longer. It just makes everything so much more difficult. He is my best friend, he is the one who is going to fight this battle with me. We can do this together; we have no choice because I am tired of trying to be the strong one and do this on my own. Woody wants me to let him in again; and I am ready to let him in. I want my husband back; I have missed him so much.

I don’t often speak of the things that go on with Woody and I but tonight I am getting personal. Everybody should know what a toll this takes on a marriage. I am just thankful that our foundation and marriage was so strong before all of this which in turn will help us get though this. We are going to look back a year from now and know that we just survived Hell, and that we did it together. How many people can say that?? Not many. We have 3 gorgeous sons that need their parents and two parents who are crazy about each other. Yes, Woody… I will grow old with you and it will be the happiest day of my life. Thank you for fighting for me and for us. I am here and cancer can Fuck off because it is not going to destroy my marriage. We are way too strong for that.

I have met some of the most amazing people through out all of this. Tonight, I owe everything to Mr. Sparkly Eyes.. for never judging, always being honest, and for loving me and my family. Also, to Mrs. Darling, I too have the most insane intuition which is one of the reasons I feel such a strong connection to you…. having you tell me tonight about what you are feeling meant the world to me, because I feel the exact same way. I do not think you are a kook in any way. You are such a blessing to me. New York Miss Macy… for being my ears tonight and making me great music to help escape the dark hospital nights. Great music makes everything all better. And to my Wooddawg. For being the most amazing husband alive and for knowing that I am worth fighting for and for bringing me back to you. I’ve missed you so much.

Ronan’s ANC was at 80 today…. his little bone marrow is trying so hard to come back. We will find out tomorrow if they have come up even more. Hoping, but it does not look like we will be getting out of here anytime soon. Thank you to Sarah and Stacy for helping me today so I could get out of the hospital for most of the day and actually pick my twins up from school. They were so happy to see me:) You girls have no idea how much your help means to me. Thank you so much. Love you both.

Woody often tells me songs remind him of me. This says everything perfectly tonight. I love you, Wooddawg. I will love you forever too.

Coldplay : Green eyes

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

P.S. After 12 years of being with Woody, he still to this day, ALWAYS, opens the door for me.

G’nite beautiful souls out there. Sweetest dreams. I hope you all have someone in your life that makes you feel just as special as Woody does me. Love and health are the two most important things in life. <3<3 If you have them both, you are the luckiest people alive.

The silence scares me because it screams the truth

A week. It’s been a week of sharing a room. Hospital beds. Hospital clothes. Hospital T.V. Hospital seconds/minutes/days/nights. Hospital tears. Hospital depression. Being home last night for the entire night with my twins felt so good that it hurt. I took them to breakfast this morning and we looked just like the perfect little family. Just another mom with her sons’ on a gorgeous Sunday morning, happy, smiling, laughing. Nobody in the restaurant knew the reality of my life. They didn’t know that soon my horse-drawn carriage was about to turn into a pumpkin. They didn’t know about the 3-year-old that I have with cancer who was waiting in his hospital bed for his mom to return. That’s my reality everyday and nobody knows the pain and sadness that comes with it. It hits me hard during times like this… when I get a second of my sweet life back and then have it ripped away from me once again. I fucking hate hospitals. I fucking hate RSV season. I fucking hate cancer and all the time it is stealing away from my family life. How lovely that I was able to go home last night and spend 30 minutes with my husband and try to act normal the way a husband and a wife do, but then that turns into him saying to me while looking at an old picture of our 3 boys… “I just keep thinking, did he have cancer then? Fuck. How long has he had this?” That in turn makes me cry and I get to sit and stare into my husbands eyes as he watches me cry because some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. Do you know why my little 7-year-old who was exhausted from the days events stayed up until midnight  with me last night insisting we finish watching “Talladega Nights?”  He told me he didn’t want to go to sleep because he didn’t want the time with me to end. I couldn’t agree more and he is so right in the way he is feeling. Just pile that on top of the things that are ripping my heart out at the moment and smashing it on the floor.

Today, I couldn’t pull my shit together and had to have my friend, Gay, come and sit with Ronan so I could get out of the hospital for an hour and cry my freaking eyes out. The tears wouldn’t stop pouring and I thought getting out of the hospital would help; but it didn’t. It’s was one of those day. Bloody, bloody, Sunday.  Sarah the Saint stayed with Liam and Quinn all day today so I could come back to the hospital and Woody could go to the office and work for the entire day. Ronan has been a handful with a lot of energy, but is still not wanting to leave his room. He keeps talking about going home and wants to know why he can’t because he says he is all better. I try my hardest to explain things to him as simply as possible but he doesn’t get it. None of this makes sense to him and it shouldn’t.

We still have our baby roommate, with no parents in sight. The nurses have been working non-stop tending to him. The second they try to put him in his crib, he starts to cry and will not stop. Poor thing. All he wants is to be held. Makes me sick to my stomach. Reminds me to be thankful. Thankful. Thankful. Thankful. Things could be so much worse. Ronan’s counts were still around 50 today. The same as yesterday. They have got to be higher tomorrow… I don’t expect a major jump, but in the low 100’s would be nice. We just want to go home. We have isolation coming up soon and this is cutting into our time with Liam, Quinn, and Woody.

I’m being rotten tonight and I know it. Time for a positive attitude adjustment. I feel better after my day of tears. Guess I just needed to clear my head and let some things out. I’m going to snuggle up with Ro now and do my favorite nighttime activity which is to watch him sleep and wonder what that sweet little soul is dreaming about. I hope only beautiful things. G’nite dear angels out there. Thank you Sarah and Gay for your help today. I don’t know what I would do without you two. Love you.

xoxo

Living is easy with your eyes closed

I have no idea what day it is even…. Wednesday I think? The days and nights are so blurry here and it is so easy to lose track of the time, days, and nights as they all seem to blend together. I do know that today is my dear birthday bunny, Jen’s birthday. Happy Birthday my sweet friend. Thank you for being a rock for me these past 5 months. I love you dearly<3 I hope you had a beautiful day.

My morning started off great with my friend Melissa bringing by coffee and her gorgeous smile for me. Ronan wasn’t up for visitors, kicked her out of the room, so we went into the hallway and caught up for a bit. Ronan would scream for me every so often so I would come and and tell him I was looking for Dr. Wood. He seemed satisfied with that answer so I was able to go back into the hallway and finish my conversation with Melissa. After she left, I was able to get out of the hospital today for most of the day. It was much needed and Mimi Kay and Papa Charlie came and sat with Ronan for me. So thankful. I can feel myself going a little stir crazy. It was nice to be out and about today. I returned around 5 to a happy Ronan and our 3-year-old roommate, Angel, who had been left alone almost the entire day. He sat and told me that his parents were never coming back. These are the same parents who left him alone last night for about an hour and when I went to ask Angel where they went he replied, “They went to smoke.” OMG. I spent the next 2 hours tonight tending to him and sharing Ronan’s popsicles and toys. I felt bad for the little boy. A 3 year old should not be left alone, EVER! He started throwing things at Ronan which in turn, made Ronan upset and the two of them were screaming back and forth at each other. Ronan ended up in tears because the roommate said to him, “You’re a bad boy!” Ronan looked at me and said, “I not a bad boy, mama!” I told him of course he was not but that didn’t stop the little tears from sliding down his cheeks. He is so tough but really got his feelings hurt tonight. There was not a nurse in sight up on 3 to handle this, so I did best I could. That floor 3 is a little coo-coo. Dr. Eshun gave us the green light to move to the 2nd floor tonight, thank god! We moved down here after the Angel incident and his parents had still not returned. We are just happy to be out of that room and down to our fun floor with the BEST nurses in the world. They were all so excited to see Ronan and he was just as happy to see them. The 2nd floor is like our second home now… it was weird to be here, but not with our “family.”  Somebody even wrote, “Rockstar Ronan,” on the whiteboard where all the nurses/patients info goes…. so cute that they know his nickname:) We are happy campers to be back down here and Ro baby is sound asleep. His ANC was still at 0 as of this morning. UGH. Please let it come up tomorrow. We are itching to get out of here and be back home.

Somebody sent some goodies tonight and I have no idea they  came from, as there was not a card. It was a bag full of some Star Wars toys, some fun books, Coffees for me…. Any takers??!?! Please let me know who you are… I would like to give you a proper thank you. It made our night! Ronan has been having a blast with his coloring books and little light saber racing car. THANK YOU!!!!!

I’m getting anxious and homesick tonight. Hoping I can unwind with a movie or something. I could seriously use some yoga in my life right about now. I feel like I have a lot to say, but my mind/body/soul is shutting down. Hospital exhaustion is kicking in. I am so thankful for my thoughtful husband and the Bose Headphones he bought me for Christmas. Music is saving my life through all of this…. thanks Wooddawg for being so thoughtful all of the time. You are the best gift giver in the entire world. Hope you all have a beautiful, blessed night. Sweetest dreams!

Extra special dreams tonight to my dear Charisma. I told you all the stars would end up aligning for you. More good things to come your way my dear. I can feel it!!

xoxo