Adios 2010… worst year of my life

I could
not be happier to see this year end. I told you what I was going to
say to 2010…. Adios Mother Fucker!!!! It started off great… and
I made some amazing friends whom have proved to me that they are
worthy of being in my life. For that, I will be forever grateful to
2010. But that is about the only good thing to come out of this
year. August 12, 2010 will forever be etched into my brain as the
absolute worst day of my life, and 2010 will forever be the worst
year of my life. I have never been so happy to put a year in the
past. 2011 is going to be Ronan’s year. His year of healing and
getting all better. We still have a long way to go to get him to
this point… but nothing will ever be as awful as having a doctor
tell you that your son has Stage 4 cancer. Things can only get
better from here. Bring on 2011! We cannot wait to see what it has
in store for us. Today, Liam, Quinn, Mimi, and Papa all returned to
PHX. It was a brutal day. I begged Woody to let the boys’ stay with
us and miss a few days of school. He wasn’t having it and I know it
really wasn’t a good idea due to what Ronan is about to go through;
but I am going to miss them so much. I cried all morning and was
bawling as we put them in the car to go to the airport. I had my
big sunglasses on so I don’t think they noticed. Well, Liam
didn’t.. Quinn of course did. Ronan didn’t really understand what
was going on, he just kept looking at me and saying, “But I’m going
to miss them so much.” I told him we would be home with them soon.
We spent the day spoiling Ronan rotten. We took him to our favorite
pizza place, right around the corner from the RMH and he ate a huge
lunch. We then came back here and played for most of the day. Ronan
and I curled up together and took a big nap. We were both tired.
Woody snuck out to go record shopping. As soon as he got back I
headed out for my dark Central Park run. It was a little scary
tonight… not a lot of people out. I only ran about 6 miles but it
felt good. Wasn’t too cold and it was fun to see all the people out
and about all dressed up going to their New Year’s parties. I tried
to think a lot about Monday and am trying my best to prepare for
what we are about to go through. I am trying to gather all of the
strength I have because I am going to need every ounce of it.
Tonight, Woody, Ronan and I had our own little party in our room. I
covered Ronan’s head in glitter and he put it all over my eyes and
face for me. I wore my silly feather headband and Ronan told me I
looked pretty. We ate cheese and crackers, Woody had his
beer and bought Sangria across the street for us as well. We
watched a Pearl Jam concert and Ronan was dancing and laughing the
entire night and has now decided he would like to be a rockstar
when he grows up. He is obsessed with Neil Young and “Rocking in
the Free World” is his favorite song. We did a lot of chasing him
around the RMH, going up and down the elevators. After we wore him
out, Woody and I put in “Easy A.” It was in my stocking from Woody
for Christmas. Love that movie;) Woody liked it too; it was the
first time he had seen it. He’s a tough sell too so I was
pleasantly surprised. Ronan is asleep, Woody is asleep, and I am
wishing I was asleep. Kind of want to stay up until Midnight, West
Coast time so I can make another New Year’s wish. No resolutions,
just wishes this year. I think you all know what I’ll be wishing
for. Cheers to 2011! I hope this year is filled with health,
happiness, and love. G’nite sweet angels. xoxo

Hello Insomnia and Nightmares

 

 

Awake. Lovely. Fell asleep for about an hour. Woke up due to horrific nightmares. Not going back to sleep anytime soon. I talked via text messaging to Ashley’s mom today; the little girl who underwent surgery. It went very well and she is now recovering over in the ICU. Her mom told me to prepare myself. Fuck. How do you prepare for something like that. I sent Woody the text message she sent me about what to expect. His response? “Fuck.” Great. My rock who is usually my positive power, knows what we are about to go through is going to be hell. I am trying to mentally prepare myself…. but I don’t even know if this is possible. She did tell me that she is completely in love with Dr. La Quaglia though:) That makes me feel a little better. Cheers to Ashley and her successful surgery. So very happy for her and her family.

Today, we spent the day all together as a family. Liam and Quinn leave tomorrow and I am devastated. Ronan is going to be so sad; those boys are his life. We tried to soak up being together as much as possible and had a great day. Lots of laughing and throwing snowballs:) Tonight, Woody and Quinn ran out to get some dinner down the street a few blocks. Ronan was so upset after they left because he wanted to go with them. He screamed and cried the entire time they were gone which was about 20 minutes. I was dealing with him and I looked over to see the tears pouring out of Liam’s eyes. I immediately left Ronan to his temper tantrum to tend to Liam. I sat and held him and asked him what was wrong. He told me how much seeing Ronan scream and cry, bothers him. I wanted to die right then and there. Of course it all makes perfect sense. Liam has been spending a lot of time with Mimi and Papa on this trip because they are his safety, his security. With them, there is no chaos, no unexpected, no scariness. Liam lives for calmness, structure, and rules. With Ronan, you never know what you are going to get and every second is different from the next. Liam does not like this at all and seeing him tonight all I wanted to do was to take him home, and just be able to put him back in his secure environment where all this madness does not exist. I held him for a long time, let him cry, and just explained to him why Ronan was acting this way. Ronan got so mad that I was tending to Liam that he shut himself in the closet. I let him; Liam needed me. As soon as Woody and Quinn returned, we ate dinner and then he took the twins upstairs to watch football. I curled up with Ronan and fell asleep; for a little while anyway.

So, it is officially New Years Eve. I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Worst year of my life. 2011 is going to be much better; I have a great feeling about it.

My friend, Sandy, sent this to me today. It made me smile and I agree with almost everything on this list. Thanks, ho;)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio :

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.  My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Sushi, Sake, and Cancer

I’m having a ton of anxiety again. Not sure why, it just seems to come and go in waves. I have not been able to run in 2 days… maybe that is why. Running seems to help me get rid of some of this nervous energy. May take a trip to the gym later…  I am really missing my Central Park but it is covered in about 10 inches of snow. Woody has been working today, I have been taking care of Quinn and Ronan while Liam has been hanging out with Woody and then met us down in the playroom. I took Quinn and Ro to eat at the pizza place nearby. Have I mentioned how much Ronan has been eating?? It is insane. I think he eats more than our family, put together. Here is an example of the lunch we just had. Me: Bowl of Tortellini soup. Quinn: 1 slice of pizza and some Fetuccine pasta. Ronan: 3 slices of pizza (they are huge) bread knots, and half of Quinn’s Fettuccine. Not to mention he had just eaten an hour before. I swear he is eating every hour on the hour. It is so great for him; he dropped a little weight during our last round of chemo. I bet you he has put it all back on and then some. Pizza seems to be his favorite as he is eating it at least 3 times a day.

I am trying to let Liam, Quinn, and Ronan soak up as much time together as possible before the twins have to leave. I know Ronan is going to be devastated when they go back to Arizona. Just the thought of it makes me tear up. I hate that they have to be a part, but I also know it is going to be easier on me. It takes a lot to entertain 3 little boys’ who are away from home. Liam and Quinn have been such troopers though; we have been dealing with a little bit of behavioral issues which has thrown me for a loop. It’s mainly my Quinn. I know where it is coming from. He is nervous, scared, and is trying to adapt to our new life but having me gone a lot of the time is hard on him. He is becoming more independent though. I notice little things that I see him doing on his own that he used to not be able to do. I sit back and watch him and wonder, when did he learn how to do that?? Wasn’t I supposed to be there to see it??  I’m trying to do my best to address the things going on with Quinn; we have been doing a lot of talking.

I’ve been emotional the past few days. Being away from our own home is hard…. we are basically in a little studio apartment. Lots of “stuff” in here which is about to throw me over the edge. This whole blizzard thing has left us pretty much inside the RMH all day. About to lose it. It’s a funny thing how whenever I seem to be at my breaking point, my friend Charisma calls me. It’s like she can sense it. She called today and we had a good chat for about a half an hour. She does that type of thing often…. when I am feeling overwhelmed or sad, ring ring, and it is always her. It was good to hear her voice today and I always feel better after our talks. Love you, CC.

That was from earlier today. Guess what time it is?!?! 2:30 a.m. which is what I call the witching hour around here. I wake up at this time every night like clockwork. I just woke up from a very vivid dream which involved Ronan and his cancer. Cancer never fucking sleeps around here; I swear I never get a break from it. Tonight, I was able to get out a bit. I took all 3 boys’ over to Kay and Charlie’s place and then I went and walked the city for a bit. It was a mess but I really needed the walk and alone time. Woody was on the phone with clients and ended up meeting me for some sushi and sake. We sat, I tried to eat a little bit, and we talked. I was in a funk today and he knew it. We talked a lot about Ronan…. at one point I looked over at him and said, “Did you ever think in a million years we would be here?” He of course said no. I told him how I always pictured our life and it was either something happening to me or him that I imagined dealing with. Never was it one of our kids. We had a nice time together but no matter what we do, it’s like a big black cancer cloud is hanging over our heads. Fun times I tell ya. We then walked back and picked up Quinn and Ronan. Liam stayed the night with Mimi and Papa. On our walk back, Quinn was telling me how much he loves New York and wants to go to Columbia University to be a doctor. It was something so little, but it made my night. He told me that this is his favorite city ever…. he is such his mama’s boy:) Ronan would not sit in his stroller and was running through the snowy city, and was laughing and laughing. It was such a perfect moment. We got back to the RMH and everyone was pretty tired since it was so late. The boys’ and I crashed out and Woody stayed up dealing with some airline issues. He needs to get back to Phoenix and we are trying to figure out his travel dates for everything now that it all got screwed up due to the snow. He was supposed to go back on Sunday; but obviously that didn’t happen.

On Wednesday, we should have all of Ronan’s scan results back. We also meet with Dr. La Qualia which I am super excited about. I talked to my friend, Pam White tonight and I think she is more excited than I am for me to meet La Qualia. He saved her daughter’s life. She gave me a picture to give to him of her daughter; she keeps him updated on her by sending him pictures of her beautiful little girl. I can’t wait to give it to him.

That is all for now. 3:30 a.m…. have to try to get back to sleep so I’m not a zombie tomorrow. Love you all. Hope you are having the sweetest dreams.

xoxo

Christmas 2010

This  post was from last night. We have been having Wifi problems at the RMH. That’s why there have been lack of updates. I’ve missed you all and hope you had a great night last night. We had a beautiful time together and now the city is covered in a blanket of snow. Below is what I wrote last night. Love to you all.

Silent Night…. Holy Night…. All is calm… All is bright….

This is the lullaby that I have hummed to Ronan since he was born. I’m not sure why, but I hum or sing it to him every night before he goes to sleep. Since he was diagnosed, I’ve stopped singing it to him. I’ve taken the most beautiful song, and turned it into something crazy in my head, telling myself that I don’t want it to ever be a silent night because that means my baby will be up in heaven and not with us anymore. I’ve only told a few people about this… Tricia, Marisa, and Charisma. Charisma is the one who told me she understood, but really thinks the song is not about what I have turned it into. It has always been my favorite Christmas song; until now. What we are going through is so scary to me that I have taken one of the most beautiful things and turned it into something ugly and sad. Sometimes I feel as I don’t have control of the feelings and thoughts I have. How can I?? My baby has cancer; nothing will ever be the same.

We had a great Christmas morning. We stayed in our room, opened up gifts, and the boys could not have been happier. We were all together as a family and it was such a beautiful thing. As they were busy playing with their toys, I bundled up and braved the 29 degree temperature and headed out for my Central Park run. I ended up running 10 miles and it was beautiful, brisk, hard, and just what I needed. Before I came on this trip, I was telling a good friend of mine how I came here to run the NYC Marathon a couple of years ago and how I would never do another one again because it was so hard. He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye and goes, “Oh, you’ll do another one…. Just you wait and see.” As I was on about mile 7 tonight, I thought to myself… I am so coming back here when Ronan is all better to do this marathon again. I imagined Ronan waiting for me at the finish line, so proud of his mommy. I will run it for him, and for NYC. This is the city that is going to heal my baby and is healing his mommy as well. There is no place I’d rather be right now. Funny how this city feels like such a second home to me already. That is because it is full of all things magical, miracles, and it is all about taking that tumor out of Ronan. January 3rd cannot get here soon enough.

Tonight was bittersweet. I have been doing o.k. here at the RMH, but tonight my emotions got the best of me while we were doing the whole Santa thing with the boys and all of the other families here. They do such a beautiful job and are so generous with the gifts. I was standing up next to Woody and the boys, just kind of soaking it all in. Then the tears started and I couldn’t get them to stop. It was all too much. The room was full of the most beautiful kids, who are fighting so hard for their lives, but are still so happy. Then there were my 3 babies sitting there together; like it was just another Christmas. Woody pulled me down next to him and let me cry on his shoulder and tried to comfort me by whispering to me how lucky we are to all be together and that’s all that matters. He keeps telling me that together, we can get through anything. Team Thompson, as he likes to call us. He is such a good man. After awhile, the tears stopped but after the boys’ got their gifts I took Ronan up to his room. For one, he wanted to go, but two, I felt an anxiety attack coming on. Still not doing well in big social situations I guess.

I am fighting everyday to be brave and strong. Sometimes, this all still becomes too much. This will never become easy for me, everyday is a struggle. Imagine living everyday of your new life full of hurt, and watching everyone around you hurt as well. It is so hard, so unfair, but I know I just have to keep moving forward. I’m very thankful to be married to such a strong man. I would fall to pieces every second of the day if it were not for him.

That’s all for tonight. Time to cuddle up to my little boo and kiss that sweet, bald head of his for the millionth time today. He is our Christmas miracle, and he is the sweetest Christmas gift I have ever received. He is teaching us so many lessons along the way.

Love you all. Hope your holidays were so very, very blessed.

xoxo