Knock on wood

Today is day 8. Every time Ronan starts his chemo treatments, his blood levels are supposed to drop after 7-14 days. Which means, less energy, his immune system is low, etc…. Nothing yet. I took him to the clinic yesterday and his blood levels were still good. He has been full of energy and has been running around non-stop. Let’s hope this continues. Woody and I can’t get over him and how great he looks, for being so sick. None of this makes sense at all. I am just taking this as another great sign that Ronan is going to beat this and pray we continue to sail right through this. For dealing with something so difficult, he has been a champion…. not acting like a sick kid at all.

We have been taking advantage of being at home and doing normal things. The boys’ have been playing together non-stop. The love my 3 boys have for one another is so powerful and moving. It’s helping us win this battle. Last night Ronan cuddled up in Quinn’s bed and fell asleep with him. I left him there all night and only got up a few times to check on him. He slept peacefully the whole night through and woke Quinn up around 6:30 this morning to play. Ronan was upset that the boys had to leave for school this morning but I kept him busy. We ran some errands and I even took him into Target. Shhhhh! Don’t tell Woody;) I took him in to grab a few things, the store was empty, and I didn’t let him sit in a shopping cart. Poor kid has been begging me to take him for weeks now. We were very careful and I sanitized his hands about every 5 minutes. It made his day. He just wants to do normal things, like we used to do. So we did<3 And we will continue to do things as “normal” as possible. I am getting used to the looks of pity when we go out into public and Ronan doesn’t want to wear his hat. It doesn’t seem to bother me as much anymore. Heck Ronan doesn’t even care or notice, so why should I??

As of now, Ronan’s surgery is scheduled for the end December. I have a nice little story about the exact date of his surgery. I was telling my new friend, Pam, who has the little girl, Victoria, who is a cancer survivor, when it is going to be. As soon as I told her, she got a little quiet and goes, “Oh my god. That is the date that Victoria’s surgery was.” Same surgeon, Dr. La Qualia and everything. Another one of those good signs that I’ve been seeing during through this entire journey. We both got goosebumps and I got teary eyed. So Christmas in New York it will be:) Just wish it were under different circumstances but we are going to make it the best Christmas ever. As my dear Karen keeps saying, it’s one step closer to Ronan’s wellness.

Our next round of Magic Medicine does not start until November 1st. Until then, if all goes well, we will just be making visits to the clinic twice a week and we will be home the rest of the time. There truly is no place like home. Tonight, we went for a walk down to the our neighbors house. Ronan ran the entire way, only turning back to catch the football we were throwing. We had a great walk with our friends and enjoyed the cooler weather. It was the perfect evening and I was so happy that we were all together as a family.

I fell asleep early tonight, cuddled up to Ronan. Only wish I could sleep the whole night through…. ended up waking up in a panic and now my mind will not be still. Too many unknowns and worries keep me up. How do you sleep when the baby right next to you has cancer?? I woke him up to tell him I love him a few minutes ago. I tell him that 100 times a day. None of this has gotten any easier, but it has become our new way of life. This is not a life I would wish on anyone, but it is our life now and we will make it as happy and beautiful as possible. To be any other way would not be fair to Ronan or the twins. I know how important consistency and security is in a childhood. Especially in little guys who are 7. They will remember most of what we are going through so we have to make sure we make this as positive of an experience as possible.

Woody came home tonight with his hair buzzed super short. So sweet and cute of him to do. Ronan loved it and kept wanting to feel the top of his head. His long eyelashes are starting to go, as well as his eyebrows. His eyelashes are still there, but they are not as thick as they used to be. It just makes him that much more beautiful. Every feature on that child is beyond perfection.

So, if you don’t hear from me this week it’s only because I am taking full advantage of my healthy baby and being home. This week has been spent playing catch up on all the things I am behind on from being at the hospital all last week. It is amazing how far behind I can get on things around here.

Sweet dreams, friends. ❤

Magic Medicine… Day one, Round 3

This chemo is going to be rough. This is the stuff that causes major vomiting… and a few other side effects that we will PRAY hard, do not happen to Ronan. Hearing loss is a big one. High pitch hearing loss to be exact which I can absolutely live with, if it means keeping him alive. I am hoping and praying that Ronan tolerates all of this well, without a hitch. If he can get though these 4 days, this baby can get through anything. Our poor roommate next to us. He is an older boy, feeding tube in his nose, his parents are nowhere in sight… working I’m sure. Every once in a while I hear him on the phone, crying about how he can’t eat. Poor sweet boy. As awful as all of this is, I am so thankful that I am not a working mom and can devote all of my time to taking care of Ronan. We are so fortunate for being in such an awful situation. I can’t imagine having to leave Ronan in the hands of others to go and work. Thank god for Woody, I thank god for him everyday of my life.

Today has been great so far. We spent the morning home, getting ready for our week here. I have the laundry all done, house all clean. Niki stopped by to bring me coffee and Ronan actually came out of my room and played with her for a bit. We headed over to the clinic to have Ronan’s counts checked to make sure he was good to go to start this round of chemo. Ro was very excited about seeing our nurse, Sharon and followed her around the clinic while we were there. We didn’t have to wait long to get a room which was nice. We got checked in very easily and fast. Once we got up here we played in the playroom for awhile. Ronan was full of energy. He is sleeping now.. he didn’t nap today and is taking a late nap. They are going to start his first dose of chemo soon. I am anxious to get it started asap. The sooner we get it over with, the better. Trish is going to come by and bring me dinner and Woody is going to pop in as well.

We are in the same exact room that we were in when we were first admitted to the Oncology floor. It gave me major anxiety, walking in here. I tried to talk myself out of a panic attack but it didn’t work. I almost passed out on the spot. I am fine now.. I had Woody stay with Ronan so I could go downstairs and have a conversation with myself about how I need to suck this up and be strong for Ro. This whole floor brings back so many awful memories for me. It was a very hard 3 weeks when we were first here. I keep telling myself if I survived three weeks of this before, a week will be a piece of cake. Fucking cancer. I still can’t believe this is happening to our precious baby. It is a parents worse nightmare.

It’s going to be a long night. We are still waiting to start the chemo. It has to be double approved by the pharmacy before they can even deliver it, and the person who has to approve it, does not even get in until 9:00 p.m….. hopefully Ronan will stay asleep during the whole process and will not have any side effects. Trish came to visit and brought some homemade pumpkin soup. It was delicious. Woody also came by and brought CPK for all of us. While they were here, Dr. Maze stopped by to check in. It is always nice to see him, Ronan talks about him all the time and always asks me if he is going to carry him to sleep. So sweet and funny. We talked to Liam and Quinn tonight and it sounds like they are having a great time in Colorado. They got to spend some time with one of my best friends, Susie, who lives there. Wish I could have been there with them. Ronan talked to them both on the phone tonight. He misses them just as badly as I do. I hate that they we all have to be away from each other so much now. I will never stop being bitter about that.

Wish us luck tonight. Hopefully Ronan won’t even notice the chemo and will sleep right through all of it. Goodnight dear friends.

A long week ahead

Our weekend was a great one. Ronan is still refusing to act or look sick which makes this whole thing so much easier on us. I can tell his beautiful eyebrows are starting to go, but his full eyelashes are still hanging on. He looks so beautiful. On Friday we had family game night and just played at home. Ronan was of course thrilled to be spend the night with this big brothers. On Saturday Liam and Quinn had their basketball game. We were brave and let Ronan go. He was in heaven. His BFF Winston came to watch as well. It was their first mini reunion. They were both shy at first and wouldn’t even look at each other. Ronan stayed right on my lap. By the second half of the game, Ronan went to sit by his big brothers on the court and Winston soon followed. They sat by each other, talked, played, and laughed. I had to fight back the tears. It was hard to see but also beautiful to watch. Ronan took off his hat during the game and I could see other parents staring at him… also hard for me to see. I am fully aware of how sad our situation is but being out in public with him, seeing the look in other people’s eyes makes it so much more sad and real. I am so happy we took him out though, I think Woody is starting to realize that it is o.k. as long as we are making sure he washes his hands a lot and we don’t have him around people who are sick. We won’t be going to the grocery store or anything like that with him, but I think it is important for his well-being to get to do some of the same things he used to be able to do.

Saturday night we had Kay, Charlie, and Uncle Ron over to watch the ASU game. The Devils won, so it was a good night here. Liam and Quinn went home with Mimi and Papa because they had to get up early on Sunday to leave for the airport. They left for Colorado for the week for their Fall Break. Ronan was very upset about that, he was crying really hard as they got into the car. We finally got him settled down, but he is still talking about them and saying he wants them to come home. It’s better that they are gone and off doing something fun. Ronan and I have a very long week ahead of us. Last night Auntie Karen and Olivia came over to watch Ronan so Woody and I could go out for a bit. We were both tired but agreed we should take advantage of sneaking out for a bit. We didn’t do much… went for a drive and then stopped at Target. When we came home, Ronan was asleep so we hung out for a while and listened to Wood’s 45 record collection together. It was a very sweet date night. Simple but sweet.

Today, Ronan and I will head over to PCH around 1:00 to get checked in. We will be there for the entire week for Round 3 of his magic medicine. I am trying to have a positive attitude about it as far as staying the entire week in the hospital goes. It sucks that we can’t be at home… I know how much better Ronan does here. I will just have to keep his spirits up by bringing lots of things to read and we will have to go for a lot of walks. I don’t want his little legs to get weak again by sitting in a hospital bed all week.

Woody will be flying out to NYC on Thursday to meet with the doctors at Sloan Kettering. I am excited for him to get out there, talk to the doctors, and then I can be sure that the path we are choosing for Ronan, is the right path to take. New York is my absolute favorite city and I’m trying not to be sad about the reason Woody is going out there. It has always been our favorite place to visit together. Someday we will go back, as a family, and celebrate Ronan being healthy and cancer free.


Yesterday was the Susan G. Koman breast cancer walk in Phoenix. SO MUCH PINK! AMAZING! Pediatric Cancer awareness was last month. Did you see the sea of Yellow anywhere? Take a minute to think about that. Pediatric Cancer is the #1 killer of children of all childhood illnesses combined!

Strong enough

Ronan had a great day. We went into the clinic to have his blood levels checked to make sure they are high enough to start the harvest of the stem cells tomorrow. They are through the roof so we got the green light! I am so happy we are staying on track with things and Ronan is such a little Rockstar that he is busting right though all this cancer crap. While we were at the clinic, I quietly asked our nurse Sharon a question that has been on my mind all weekend…. eating away at me. I asked her if it was common to never see your doctor. O.K…. not never, I’ve met the man one time to be exact. This is just not sitting well with me. I can always count on Sharon to be honest with me and I got my answer. From that point on, I knew what I had to do but I wanted to make sure Woody was on board with me. I stepped out into the hall and made a quick phone call to him. I then walked back into the room and told Sharon and Marsha, our social worker, that we would like to request a change of doctors. In the blink of an eye, they made it happen. Ronan’s primary doctor, who will be taking over his case is Dr. Eshun. I’ve seen Dr. Eshun a dozen times… he is always checking in on us to say hello or to quickly look over Ronan. To me, that means the world. As a mother, I know I have to be my son’s biggest advocate and I have to feel like he isn’t just another number. He is a child, my child… not some science project. I am feeling pretty out of control about everything to do with Ronan’s situation. This gave me a feeling of control back and tonight, I am feeling much better about things. I need to know that we are in the right hands at PCH. If we are going to stay here, we have to be happy with how everything is going. Otherwise, they are going to hear about it. We are not the type of family to sit back quietly and not express the way we are feeling.

We have a very early and long day tomorrow. We have to be down at PCH by 7:30 and will be there until around 4:00 in the evening. I am hoping to get some sleep tonight without the terrible nightmares. Everyone is already asleep in our house… guess I will try to get some shut eye too. Tonight, Woody and I had some time alone. We cuddled on the couch together and watched Bill Maher. It was nice to just be with him. I am going to leave you with one of my favorite song lyrics tonight. Anyone who knows us knows that we are family that is crazy about music. I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio today… it’s by Sheryl Crow. It reminded me how lucky I am to be married to Woody.

“When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care.
When I’m throwing punches in the air.
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand.
Will you be man enough to be my man?”
– Sheryl Crow, Strong Enough

Woody is so strong. I promise I will stay strong too… for the sake of my amazing husband. I won’t let him down.