I thought I was ready, but I’m not ready.

tumblr_mkkx5ofDeg1rnofw4o1_500

Ronan. It’s normal to sit partly naked on a table at your OBGYN’s office and cry, cry, cry while waiting for her to come in a check your cervix, right? I was really trying to avoid this today. I had my nose busily buried in a book that I was reading on my iPad, but somehow it was as if my hands were not my own anymore and the next thing I knew I was swiping my fingers across all of my pictures on my iPhoto only to be staring at you and your big blue eyes while I waited for Dr. Schwartz to see me. I can usually do this and be o.k. I mean, I look at your pictures all the time, but today looking at them left me with tears streaming down my face and wet spots all over my iPad. There you were in every picture, smiling your beautiful smile at me while I traced your mouth with my little pinky as if I were actually touching you. I listened to the voices screaming in my head that it couldn’t really be this way, that my darling, sweet boy, didn’t really die of cancer. The flashbacks began. The ones that forever haunt my mind. The way I watched cancer eat away at your little body, mind and soul. The pain that set in during your last week or so that I could not rub or kiss away no matter how hard I tried. Your sunken eyes, bloated belly, cold lips and stiff little legs. The pain that I now feel every single day and the sadness that never goes away. Now the harsh stares, un welcomed judgment about the grief that I carry around with me. The grief that nobody will ever truly understand but they sure can pretend as if they do while voicing their opinions about it while judging away. The baby sister that is now almost here that will supposedly heal my broken heart according to the world around me. It’s like the outside world thinks she is the magic pill that I’ve so been searching for but will never actually swallow no matter how hard they try to shove it down my throat. Those who know me well, understand my truth. Those who know me well, know that no amount of time, love or even a new human being will ever take away my pain of having to live my life without you and they don’t judge me because of that. It only seems to make them love me more. Those are the people I surround myself with. The handful of people that are not afraid to be a silent witness to this pain and only fill us with unconditional love. They lift us up not bring us down with their words of kind compassion, non-judgemental stares, and they are just so proud of us for still being here and being a loving family to one another. There are no expectations, no whispers of he’s in a better place, or she is doing everything wrong. I hear the whispers and I am very aware of who is doing the whispering. It’s like I have a sixth sense for those things and I have learned that the whispers will always be there, but I have a choice of whether or not I hear them. I mostly choose to tune them out because I know at the end of the day the proof is in the pudding and the pudding being your daddy, your brothers, and the amazing friends that have become family. Not to mention your Nana and Papa Jim. I always say I swear I could murder someone and your Nana would still say, “I am so proud of my daughter.” I know what it is like to be unconditionally loved, thanks to her. She has taught me a very valuable lesson through all of this. One that I could never repay her for or say thank you enough for. That’s the great thing about your Nana, too. After everything Ronan, after all of her love, support, strength, sadness, help… she would never look at me and say, “You owe me for this for all I have done for you. Or you hurt my feelings because you don’t pick up the phone. Or you are being selfish, rude and need to get over this.” She would never make this about her in any way shape or form. She is absolutely the most selfless person on the planet and I only hope that I too, am silently following in her humble footsteps. I know how much she misses you and misses me. I hope one day that I can start picking up the phone more like I used to when you were here. I am thankful that she does not take any of this personally because she knows that I am just doing the best that I can and to her, that is more than enough.

I cleaned myself up before Dr. Schwartz came into the room. I know I looked like a bloody mess as my entire face was blotchy and red. I was quiet when she came in to see me today and asked me her usual questions and went on with her exam. I told her how I have been getting sick again. Mostly during the middle of the night the throwing up starts. I won’t ever know if it’s your sister or my body’s way of reacting to my grief. I have a feeling it’s a little of both. She checked my cervix and measured my belly which is still measuring a week ahead of time. “O.k. it’s not going to be much longer now. You’ve dilated quite a bit. Let’s put you back in a room to see what’s she’s doing and watch your contractions.” I headed back out into the waiting room to wait for a room to open up. There was a girl out there, waiting with her little boy. I tried my best to avoid eye contact, but she smiled so I of course said hello. I was a wreck and listening to the little boy call out, “Mama!” was enough to make my eyes well up with tears as that is what you always called me. He was so cute but I refused to look his way as I knew what was going to happen if I did. I was doing a pretty good job of reading my book until his little car came flying at my feet because he had thrown it across the room at me. This made me laugh as I bent down to pick it up as it is so something you would have done. I returned the car to his mama and she shyly looked at me and said, “You’re Maya, right?” I smiled and said that I was. The girl told me how she has been reading my blog forever and how she actually saw me a couple of weeks ago out and about but didn’t want to come up and bother me. We sat and chatted for a bit while I tried not to get lost in the blue eyes of her little boy. She could not have been sweeter and told me how meeting me had made her day. I gave here a ziplock bag full of your bracelets that I just happened to put in my purse this morning. I knew there was a reason that I packed them. I don’t always leave the house with a bag full of your bracelets, but today I felt like I might need them. I’m so glad I was right:)

I finally got back to the room where my contractions were monitored and your Poppy sister was, too. Dr. Schwartz came in and read the results and told me due to my contractions, she wouldn’t be surprised if she saw me before Friday which means I could have your Poppy sister at any time. I thought I was ready for this but I think I’ve changed my mind. I’m not ready and I’m bloody scared as hell. The only part of me that is ready for this is my body. My tired body is more than ready to have this baby girl. My heart and my mind aren’t so sure. Can I do this doubts fill my head. Your Sparkly promised me that I indeed, can do this. I know he is right, but it doesn’t seem to be making things any less scary or sad. My excitement for your sister seems to have been put on hold due to the anticipation and emotional roller coaster of tears that will not seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that you won’t be here to hold her, love her, kiss on her the way I know you would be doing if you were here. I try to calm myself about this by letting my heart remind me that although you are not here, you will forever be watching over her, guiding her and protecting her in ways that only you can do. I would give anything for you to actually be here, teaching her all sorts of naughty things and causing all sorts of trouble but as I’ve learned the hard way, beggars can’t be choosers.

I’ve got to run, Ronan. Your Bri Bri aka, my little sissy is in town for orientation at ASU. Can you believe that? I don’t know where the time went as it seems like just yesterday I was bouncing her on my hip, watching her grow up and bounce Liam and Quinn around and then, you. Now she is all grown up and is finally going away to college to ASU. I’ve listened to her talk about ASU since she was 8 years old and how she would go to school there someday. That someday is almost here and I am so excited to have a little piece of our family in Arizona with us. Your brothers are thrilled. I know she is nervous but we are going to take such good care of her. I so wish you were here to be a part of this with all of us. You loved your Bri Bri so much. You two and your big blue eyes were quite the pair. I can’t wait for Bri to meet this Poppy girl. I know she is going to be so helpful with her the same way she is with your brothers. Best little sissy ever;)

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little one.

xoxo

P.S. I just wanted to say a thank you to all of you lovely souls who have been sending the sweetest little gifts, cards, and even a few Poppy things. I even got a little Poppy headband and matching socks all the way from Ireland a couple of days ago. You all are the most thoughtful creatures on the planet. Thank you for loving my little boy and our family so much. Thank you for letting Ronan make you the most beautiful people. It makes my very broken heart, skip a beat. I love you.

Baseball, Brisket and Marriage Equality for all!

150494_471289292943553_358117064_n

Ronan. I think time is standing still. At least that’s how it feels to me. Maybe it’s because I’m having to take things easy now that your Poppy sister is almost here. Maybe it’s grief. Or a combination of both. I remember things feeling this way right after you passed away for the first 6 months or so. It feels like this once again. I wake up, do the things I need to do, but life feels really empty right now. Nothing feels good. I’m exhausted. I can hardly make it through the day and normal things like keeping up on the laundry, dishes, and feeding your sweet brothers, feels really, really hard. I’m sure this mostly has to do with my pregnancy coming to an end but still, it’s mentally wearing me down. Then there is still the issue with your bedroom. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe it really happened and all of your things are out of there, being cleaned, refinished, your clothes are in bins, your stuffed animals in bags. I still am in shock over it all. I never thought I would let that day happen. Your daddy asked what I wanted to do with the clothes in your closet. I made him leave them there. I still like to touch them and smell them, even though they smell nothing like your sweet little scent. I still take whiffs of them whenever I can, hoping to be reminded of a sweet memory of when they were last worn by you.

I saw Dr. Schwartz today. Everything is progressing well, but I seriously feel like this pregnancy is never going to come to an end. I have it in my head that Poppy is just going to stay inside of me forever as I sometimes still do not think she is real. I honestly don’t think I will fully be able to truly absorb what is happening until I have her in my arms. We talked about everything from Cord Blood Banking, postpartum depression to the whooping-cough vaccine she made your daddy get today. She told us that she doesn’t want anybody around Poppy who has not had the T-dap vaccine as she has been seeing babies die from being exposed. Great. Add that to my list of things to worry about. Liam and Quinn had it with their regular immunizations so they are fine. I had to call your Nana to tell her she needed to get hers before she comes out here. Dr. Schwartz is just being extra careful which is good, but it still makes me nervous. Then there is the whole postpartum depression thing. We sat and had a conversation for a good 20 minutes about this. I told her I honestly wasn’t worried about it. I’ve never had it with my other kids and if I am depressed at all, it’s during this pregnancy -the here and now as being pregnant is keeping me from being able to do everything that helps me not to be depressed/consumed by my grief (which is not depression it’s just grief!) Mainly my exercising. Once your Poppy sister is here, I will be able to start to have my outlets again and they won’t consist of me resting in bed, which I fucking HATE, but instead will consist of going out and doing my hikes/runs/anything to get the adrenaline flowing. She talked about anti depressants. I told her how that’s not happening as I had taken them before and I swear they made me suicidal. How they just seemed to pile on more grief because I wasn’t dealing with anything and I was just numb. I agreed to let your daddy watch out for me though but still, I think I know myself pretty well. We’ll see if I’m eating my words in a few weeks and if so, I’ll deal with it my way. I sent Dr. Jo a text about this later today. We had a very long conversation which left me laughing at the way she got so riled up over the mention of medication/and postpartum depression vs just plain grief. I love her passion so much.We talked about our plan because we do have one. It’s the same one we’ve always followed. When things get more heavy for me, I see Dr. Jo on a more frequent basis and I’m always honest with her about everything I am feeling. We work through it the way it works for me. No fucking meds required. We talked about my sadness though all of this and how I will face it head on. She knows that Poppy is not just going to appear and BAM! all my sadness will be gone. She expects me to feel waves of happiness and waves of sadness with all of this. That’s just the way my life is always now. Poppy won’t fix it all. As Dr. Jo said, “You are not having Poppy to replace Ronan. You are having Poppy because you wanted another baby. But you need to be prepared for the people that are going to come out and act like this she is the answer to all of your sadness. People want her to fix everything and to take this all away from you but that’s not the reality of this. You need to let people know that the birth of this baby girl, does not diminish your pain or your grief. That she does not take Ronan’s place in your family. Ronan’s place is Ronan’s place and he will always be there.” That is our reality. That will always be our reality and nothing will change that. Not even your beautiful baby sister. I know she is going to help with our sadness, Ronan. But our sadness won’t disappear and I am o.k. with that. I am learning every day to just live with it.

Your daddy has been the one working in your room. I can’t bring myself to do a thing. Thank you for him. I honestly don’t know what I would do without that amazing daddy of yours. I always knew I was so lucky to have him, but going through something like this really makes me realize it that much more. He truly is unlike any other man on this planet. He has taken such good care of all of us in every way since losing you. I know it’s a big reason our family seems to be doing o.k. To have such a strong loving man to hold us all up, makes all the difference in the world. I can’t imagine where our family would be without your daddy. Every single night he talks to you out loud before he goes to bed. It mostly breaks my heart to listen to his words and I often times pretend like I am sleeping because what he says, usually makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t want to listen to what he is saying, because him telling you good night and how much he misses you, leaves me with a pit in my stomach that I will never get used to. I always appreciate this though even though it is so hard for me to hear. He went to a concert tonight. He’s been going to a lot of these things lately. I always encourage it. I will always be the wife that says, “Please, go. Have fun.” I will never be the wife that bitches or complains that he does these things. He deserves the break. He deserves to blow off some steam. He works so hard and takes such good care of us that I am always supportive of your daddy going out and having some fun. It makes me happy to see him doing these things. He is so ridiculously excited for your sister to be here. I cannot wait to see what it’s like for him to have a baby girl. I know it is just going to melt my heart. What a lucky little girl to have a daddy like him. It will be such a beautiful thing for our family.

I made your brothers dinner tonight. I cooked a really great brisket for Passover and talked to your brothers all about this holiday and what it means. It’s is important to me that they know about all religions, not just one or none. I want to teach them about EVERYTHING. I want them to have an open mind and be educated about it all. It was a fun little bonding time tonight where we talked about everything from sports to religion to marriage equality for all. Yes. I talk to my twins about this. I am proud to say that I do as I cannot believe this is even an issue in this day and age. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? Why in the world do I care if my neighbor Bob marries Joe down the street? I don’t. People should be allowed to love who they love, end of story. My boys will grow up knowing this. It’s not our job to judge others or tell others what is right or wrong. It’s not hurting my family, affecting my marriage so GEEZ! Can we please just stop all this madness?! KIDS ARE DYING PEOPLE! Left and right kids are dying from a little thing called cancer yet nobody seems up in arms over this. That to me is pure insanity. People need to get a life and focus on what is really important in the world and it is not over who your neighbor, loves and wants to marry. The ignorance around this is shameful and embarrassing and enough is enough. I have 2 things I am really passionate about in life. 1) Childhood Cancer and 2) Equal rights for all. I won’t ever shut up or shy away from those two things. I was lucky enough in life to have parents who taught me to have an open mind at such an early age and who welcomed a very gay, black man into our world who we loved like our family and whom I was taught was no different from us. I will forever be grateful for my parents for this lesson in life. I will forever be grateful for my parents who let a little girl love a man for who he was, not who society defined him as being. I am a better person for this and my twins will be, too. I would have given ANYTHING for Ronan to grow up and be gay. Or straight. Who cares. At least he would have freaking had the chance to grow up and not die from cancer! Seriously. Where are our priorities?

Alright little man. I’m going to get off my soap box for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. It won’t be much longer now. I love you.

xoxo

599816_10151316010422414_1374400381_n

I was never going to be ready for today.

tumblr_mdfbsluDqH1qdaw6do1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. I was not prepared for today. I was not ready for today. But today happened anyway. It started off pretty normal. A normal check up at Dr. Schwartz’s office. I didn’t even have to see her, I just had to sit in a chair for a good 45 minutes so Poppy’s heartbeat and movements could be monitored. Just routine stuff that I’m having to do, twice a week now. It’s always quiet in this room and it’s easy for me to relax and get lost in my thoughts. Today, I thought alright. Of course about you. I was sitting there listening to your sister’s heart beat and she seemed to be moving non stop the entire time. I know she doesn’t have much room and there, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her movements are strong and never seem to stop. I had a flashback to that time I was at Sloan with you. We were back in a room and they had you hooked up to a machine  where we had to listen and track your heart for a couple of hours. I remember being up on the bed with you, holding you and trying to keep you entertained. You soon fell asleep in my arms. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with you but I was silently crying. I remember I was so overcome with emotion over sitting there listening to your little heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and I knew how lucky I was that it was still beating. We didn’t know at this time that your cancer was spreading, but I was just so grateful for your little beating heart. I hated that you were strapped up to a monitor when you should have been just out and about playing like a normal, healthy 3-year-old but I found the beauty in our day, anyway. I’ll never forget that day with you. It sticks out in my mind all the time. Today, listening to your Poppy sister I was taken right back to that day and the tears seemed endless.

I got out of my doctor’s appointment after a couple of hours. They were way behind today and I came home for a sight that I was not ready for. Your daddy and I have talked for a couple of weeks about taking the furniture out of your room to have it refinished to the color that will match Poppy’s crib. I came home to your daddy who had informed me that the people refinishing your things, would be at our house to pick everything up in a few hours. This meant drawers had to be emptied, toys dumped out, clothes moved, stuffed animals pulled out from the storage area under you bed, etc…Your daddy asked if I could empty out your dresser. I started crying and simply just told him, “No.” He did it. He did most of it. By the time the people got to our house your little room had been completely torn apart and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and cry. The lady working with us could not have been sweeter as your daddy had explained our situation to her on the phone so she understood what was going on. She told me how she had some bad luck, too as she lost one of her sons at 17 and also one as an infant. I could hardly get two words out as I was trying my hardest to somewhat control my sobbing. Your daddy was the one who told her he was sorry and did the rest of the talking as I just sat there in a cry fest trance. Your little room that I’m pretty sure I had made up in my mind, would never be touched, has totally been taken apart. I know we are going to put your things back but it still does not make any of this easier.

I sat in your room for a long time today. On one of your mattresses. I sat on the phone and cried to the couple of people I talked to. Thanks, Meg and Stace. I told them both how I was staring at your side of the empty room where your bed once was but now the only thing left there were a few of your Star Wars guys that had clearly fallen off of your bed because you would always insist of sleeping with 50 of them. I texted with Fernanda a bit. She is going to come over tomorrow to help me figure out how we are going to put your room back together while making it Poppy friendly, too. I am lucky to have such good friends who are truly there for me at all times. I am so lucky in that regard and so thankful.

The past couple of days, my emotions have been building up. It was your Sparky’s birthday. I remember his birthday from a couple of years ago when we were in New York. You made me take an extra special picture of you to send to him just for his day. It’s one of my favorite pictures of you, even though your body was all marked up with a Sharpie Pen from your radiation and your little arm was hurting so badly that they tried to make you wear it in a sling which you of course refused to do. The smile on your face was priceless and your eyes were so bright and beautiful as I was taking this picture. They were shining like diamonds. You were so excited to take this picture and send it to him. We called to tell him, “Happy Birthday!!” and I remember you saying this in your squeaky little voice that was full of so much love and happiness. As always, I did my best to try not to be sad on his birthday but I wished more than anything that it was you sitting by my side as I watched your Sparkly open up our gift and two cards. One card from me and one from the both of us. I of course signed your name on the card I picked out from you, to him. You would have liked it and called the card, “cute.” I sat and watched your Sparkly read our words and open our gift. I watched as he chuckled at something while the corners of his eyes got wet. It’s a sight I’m so used to seeing with him. That bittersweet happiness that I know all too well.  I did my best on his day, for you but it was still hard to hold it together without you by my side. I know your Poppy sister will help with things like this when she makes her little entrance into the world. Maybe days like this will become easier and help with the sadness because the happiness I know she is going to make others feel is going to be infectious. Next year it will be nice to have her by my side on days like your Sparkly’s birthday.

I spent much of the day and evening crying. Today was a hard day to get through. I literally went to bed telling myself, “You made it through today and you didn’t die. The pain didn’t kill you.” I’m always so amazed that it doesn’t. The sick joke is I know what I’m waking up to tomorrow and how none of this ever goes away. I don’t get to escape this. I still have to wake up to your totally disassembled bedroom that I said I would never touch. I was never going to be ready for today. You can never be ready for something like this.

I’m tired but restless. Of course, I’m not sleeping well. It’s because of my not sleeping well at night that I’ve noticed that we have this fucking bird outside of our bedroom that seriously sings all day and all night long. I don’t understand this as it’s only something that has started a couple of months ago. What kind of bird, sings all night long? It’s annoying to me and I don’t feel like hearing it’s song. Tweety bird, tweety bird please shut up. Between that and your empty room I’m surprised I’m not outside stalking this bird with my BB gun. That is totally a very Maya Danger thing that would have happened last year when I was in my Danger Baby phase. I’ve been stalking this bird to try to find out where it is hiding but I’ve only been stalking from it from the inside of our house. My body is too tired to truly investigate. Stupid bird.

Time to go, little man. It’s late and I need to try to get a little sleep before I have to start today all over again, tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you, Taylor for what you did tonight. You are such a light that keeps me going even on my hardest of days. I know Ronan is so proud of you for all you are doing. So am I. I love you.

 

Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.
Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

I love you

tumblr_inline_mibhilLNuj1qz4rgp

I watched this video a lot yesterday. It only added to my breakdown. I miss your squeaky little voice, so much. I love you, Ronan. I’m so sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3HsDsrBwb8&list=UUDEakKuXcCmFO8KnT4FdmBQ&index=17

I Don’t Know What To Expect When I’m Expecting

tumblr_mfmlfghzCk1r9bgcro1_500

Ronan. My week has kind of gotten away from me. I’ve had your brother home sick 3 days this week. He’s had a sinus infection (Yay! Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! An ear infection, counting my blessings! You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc… Those things to me, are blessings. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know I’m not a fan of. I don’t like being in our house, without you. I don’t like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. WTF. It’s like I’m just now getting the memo, “Hi, you’re pregnant!” No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. She is so beautiful already. Her little face is all filled out. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. She has a ton of hair already. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. She obviously gets those from your daddy.

I saw my OBGYN as well. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppy’s measurements which look perfect. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. I worry about it with your brothers, too. That will never go away. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. I told her alright for the most part. Then I went down that road. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. That oh so fun place only mom’s get to go that have had a child who has died.

“Can we talk about when you can induce me. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared she’s going to die if you let me go to my due date. I am so scared of having a still birth because that’s the world I live in now and it’s all I hear about, besides cancer.”

Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. She is a wonderful doctor. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright.

I’ve had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppy’s Godfather, said to me a while ago, “You know it’s going to be a circus.” I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. I told him I wasn’t going to let it be that way and he said something like, “Well, you’d better start figuring out how to control that.” I’ve slowly been doing that. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. I told them what I have been thinking. I don’t want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. To me, this is a private time for our family. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I don’t have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. I do know this. I am going to need some time with her. Alone. To bond. To cry. To feel happy. To feel sad. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and it’s a freaking party now! I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. I’m not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. That about broke my heart right then and there. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, “Mom, I don’t know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not.” She just gave me a squeeze and told me, “Of course, honey. I understand.” I feel like it’s taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. It’s taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. I remember with all of you, I read that book, “What To Expect, When You’re Expecting.” I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. It seemed to have all the answers. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. They don’t have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. Everything is different. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. I don’t blame them. Maybe I’ll take in on in my free time. Maybe I’ll call it, “What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.”

This weekend is a busy one. The P.F. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. That woman humbles me like no other. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. I can’t wait to see you at the finish line!

I’m tired tonight, Ronan. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I swear I feel her moving, kicking, punching, twirling around all day long and most of the night as well. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Thank you. I know you know how much we all need her. I promise to be the best mama to her.

I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

20 months is not a kissing day

tumblr_mfay3sFzE31qh3eyqo1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. Today I woke up knowing it was the 9th. 20 months without you. I hate today so much. Your daddy woke up in the best mood ever. I know this is not true, but in my psychotic mind, it was. He was singing in the shower, Ronan. Singing?!?! Can you believe that one? I was beyond grumpy, hormonal and upset so of course I snapped at your daddy, “Can you please stop singing?! This is not a happy day!” He then made me feel like the biggest jackass ever by saying something really nice like he was just trying to wake himself up and he knows that today is an awful day. He tried to grab me for a kiss before work but I refused to give him one. I told him that today was not a kissing day. Remember the way you used to tell me that? In your grumpy little voice. “It’s not a kissing day, mama!” I always loved all my days with you, kissing or not, so very much.

I had a phone call this morning. I’ve had a lot of phone calls this week with different publishing houses. My agent, Nina, has done an amazing job of getting my proposal into the very best hands. Harper Collins! Random House! Simon & Shuster! St. Martin’s Press! Or as my Fairy Ro Mo said to me, “Nice little Indie Publishing Houses they are. Not! Wow!” I laughed out loud at her when I got that text message. I did not know if I was going to be able to pull it together for this phone call this morning as I was on the verge of tears. Luckily, it could not have went better. I think I cried at the beginning, listening to the woman on the other end of the phone tell me how sorry she was about you, but how moved she was with our story. I loved that she really seemed to get it and connect to you in a way that felt so right. She could not have been more complimentary which is always nice. I did what I always do in these phone calls which is let you guide me while I speak from the heart. I felt really good about it when it ended.

I didn’t have anything super crazy or dangerous to do today, on the 9th fuckwad of a fucking day so I did my best just to get through it. I miss my danger days where I used to take the 9th and do something totally dangerous and fun. Last year at this time, I was jumping out of an airplane. I mainly did it thinking I was going to die and I didn’t care. Once I hit the ground, I realized I didn’t really want to die, but instead I wanted to live my life to the fullest and forever do things that you will never get to do. Skydiving included. That was kind of my wake up call in life. I remember hitting the ground and thinking to myself, “If I can jump out of an airplane, I can do ANYTHING.” I still think this is true. I am so thankful for that experience at that time which totally woke my ass up. And I would do it again in a heartbeat, but something tells me that being almost 7 months pregnant, and skydiving do not go hand in hand.

So for today on my “danger day,” I totally did some rad mom danger things. I had to rent a Mini-Van due to being in a little fender bender a few weeks ago. Totally not my fault by the way. Shout out to the VP of your foundation, Ro, for running into me! I have to LOL at that one. It was a very minor accident and he felt so bad. But I have had the BEST time giving him shit about it. And now I get to rock a very dangerous mini van for the next couple of weeks which will be so very awesome! I also went to buy some new pants today because mine are no longer fitting me. I tried them on in the store and they were such a perfect fit that I of course had to wear them out. I spent all morning walking around with the tags on my butt and back thigh. Everyone in all of Scottsdale/Phoenix is now aware that I am a size 30 in jeans. Holla! If you ask me, that was a very dangerous day indeed.

I am wrapping up this post tonight with a raging headache and a wave of exhaustion hitting me that I have not felt in a while. I think the holidays, traveling, Teddy, you, grief, pregnancy, and going, going, going, non-stop is catching up with me. I might need an early bedtime tonight.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

19 months and I hate cancer

tumblr_maltkmAVAG1ruzrtzo1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. I woke up today, not knowing the date. Then I got the little reminder of my phone that simply says, “Ronan. I miss you.” It comes up the 9th of every month because sometimes my scattered mind forgets what day of the week it even is. I didn’t have a danger day, like I used to on the 9th of every month. I miss those. I’m far too pregnant and tired to do anything dangerous so my danger days have been put on hold. I did finally get my manicure though. I decided today I would get a Captain Rex manicure just for you. So I had my fingers painted blue and silver, just like your favorite Star Wars guy. I missed you a lot today, but that is true of every day since you left here. I still cannot believe it’s been 19 months.

I did a lot of nothing today as I just wanted to make it through the day and I did. I ran some errands, took a nap, cleaned out my closet, got all the laundry done and put away. Very exciting things. I have a busy week and I am hoping goes by fast. I just want to be out of here and off to Washington soon. I need a break from this place and some fresh air. I’m tired of the sun.

Teddy’s mom sent me a text today and told me a hummingbird came to visit Teddy in his window today. I still think of you every time a hummingbird appears. I think you came to visit Teddy today to tell him that you will take good care of him. I so wish it wasn’t this way. For the both of us. I don’t want Teddy’s mom to know what any of this is like. She said Teddy is doing alright. They have him on morphine patches. I had a flashback of you having to wear those. I remember how soon they started doing nothing for your pain because the cancer just started eating away at your little body. I cry about this a lot. I wish I could have felt the pain, instead of you. I still don’t understand how everything got so out of control, so quickly. It was like in the blink of an eye, you were hurting so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix you, Ronan. I’m so sorry for all of this.

I don’t have much more to say tonight. I am far too tired and too sad, to write much more. I know you and Teddy are going to be great friends. I just wish it were down here, on earth with us and not somewhere else. You two don’t belong anywhere else. Fuck you cancer. I hate you. But I love you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back, forever and always. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my spicy monkey boy.

xoxo

The election is over! Now, we can focus on turning the White House Gold for September and save some kids!

Ronan. I am having a hard time breathing. I can’t tell if it’s grief that is trying to suffocate me or Poppy. Either way it is making this life without you, harder than normal. I didn’t know that was possible. I spent the weekend at home, doing normal things with your daddy and brothers. The kinds of things we would have been doing, if you were still here. The things I have the hardest time doing now in life. Those simple easy things in life that I used to love so much but now I feel as doing them is harder than running a marathon. Without training. Liam was still a little under the weather. I tended to him and we went to bed pretty early on Saturday. It’s all I can do to make it to 9:00 p.m. without passing out. This growing a baby business is a lot of work. One that I am not a huge fan of. I never have been. The outcome is of course so worth it, but I have never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. It feels like a prison. I am trying to stay positive, but it’s hard to all of a sudden feel like you are just stuck in quicksand and there is nothing you can do to get out of it. Before I was pregnant, I had so many physical outlets that kept me sane. I could blow off steam so well with an easy breezy 8 mile run. Now I am panting at climbing a flight of stairs. So mentally and physically I am having a hard time getting out all of my grief in the ways in which I would before which may be another reason for my feeling of constant suffocation. I’ve been throwing myself into working on things for your foundation. That is saving my sanity a little bit I suppose. It is saving the shred of sanity that I have left.

Last night we had tickets to see my boyfriend, Eddie Vedder in concert. One of our little lovies, somehow got 6 front row seats where I got to sit about 10 feet away from Eddie as he gazed into my eyes and sang to me the entire night. That might be exaggerating a little bit but an over active imagination is healthy. He played our favorites. I was not the only one with tears streaming down my face as he sang our song, “Just Breathe.” I think everyone that was there with us, had them streaming down their cheeks too. I tried to fight it, but eventually the lump in my throat became too big and the tears came next. Buckets of them. I wiped them away and pictured you running up on the stage as Eddie sang his song, only the way he can. One that makes you get completely lost in another world. I, as always, was lost in the little world of yours. It’s my favorite place to be. I know Eddie had some Ronan ESP going on as next to last song was the one and only Neil Young’s, “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” You’re telling me that was a coincidence? I know it was not. It was you working your magic in the ways that you always do. My entire body ached for you and I had flashbacks to the way you used to dance to that song. Thanks, Eddie V for playing it just for Ro last night. I know you did that for him. I could not have thought of a better way to end the night, then with that.

Today, I woke up bright and early. For going to bed so late last night, I woke up before the sun came up. I tossed and turned for about an hour before finally getting up. I had nothing of real importance to do today, but I was restless anyway. I ran some errands and went to the office. I worked through much of the afternoon on some foundation things and had about a half an hour phone interview. This one was hard for some reason. I forget what question it was exactly that I was trying to answer, but I know I had to stop myself and apologize for the sobbing that was taking place on my end of the phone. I think I remember telling the lady on the other end of the phone something about my last words to you and how I told you how sorry I was over and over again. She asked me what I was sorry about. I told her how I promised you I would save you and get you better and the fact that I didn’t or couldn’t will make me sorry for  the rest of my life. She asked if I thought you knew that you were dying. I think about that question a lot. I told her that I did not think that you did. How some of your last words to me were, “I don’t want anymore sleepy medicine.” I told her how you had to be put under anesthesia a lot and how I think you thought you were just going to sleep, but you would wake up again. I think about this so much in my head, all the time. I wonder if I should have told you that you were going to sleep forever. I didn’t. I don’t know if I should have or not. I’m so sorry you are sleeping forever and won’t ever wake up. I will forever have post traumatic stress over this. No mama should have to kiss her babies lips one last time and to be expected to live a life without kissing them again. Being a parent to a dead child is the hardest job in the world. Much harder than being the parent to kids who are alive and well. Being the parent to a dead child is the hardest kind of parent to be. I don’t think anybody in the outside world realizes this. It’s a truth I never thought I would know. It’s a truth that I will forever wish I didn’t know.

I had a board meeting last night at our new office. All of the girls were so excited. It was so nice to be able to have a space to go, that was not our own house. Our board meeting was long. A good 4 hours last night but we got a lot done as we always do. I woke up this morning with a big to do list. I got a lot of it done but by noon I knew I had reached my limit for the day. The little sleep I got last night combined with a raging headache led me to driving home and crawling in bed for a few hours. I took about a half an hour power nap but then had to get up to get some things done. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school and we all went out to grab a bite to eat as the cooking was just not happening tonight. I find myself sitting back and listening to your daddy a lot and the way he talks to your brothers and explains so much about the world to them. Once again, that bittersweet word will be used again because it is so bittersweet to hear the things they are learning and knowing you should be here, learning them, too. Tonight at dinner your daddy talked about everything from Shakespeare to the election. I watched them soak it all up like little sponges. They are so lucky to have a daddy like yours. Tonight, sitting at one of our favorite restaurants, I felt pretty lucky. Not every child grows up with a daddy like yours. So I felt lucky for that. Your brothers are amazing little boys and I know a big part of this is due to the strong male figure they have in their life. They are happy, loved, and have been through the worst, only to watch as we have survived it all. I feel like a bit of their self-confidence and security is coming back. I know this could have shaped them either direction. I am thankful that our situation has only seemed to make them stronger and have a love for our family  that is so strong because they understand how precious it is. Such hard lessons for young boys but I know this will make them stronger men. Of course you know I would rather have you here and not have to have them “learn,” any of this. I am just doing my best to be grateful for the things I have that are tangible to me, like your brothers brave little hearts.

I gotta go little man. Lots to do, always for you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. I am not going to get into politics on here but I am so glad the election is over. I took Poppy to vote yesterday and we as a family had such fun last night watching the polls. It was a good night. I am so glad we can now focus on turning that White House Gold for September. I have faith that our President will do the right thing and make this happen. There are too many babes dying. A change has to come. I am thankful for President Obama and the Creating Hope Act. It’s time to take this to the next level and with all of you on our side, I know this can happen! Love you all, so much!

“From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby…”

Ronan. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Women’s Center of Arizona. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, “You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right?” I told her I wasn’t aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. I am further along than that, but not much. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. if everybody came back in the room with me. The sweet lady told me it was. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. My heart started pounding. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. The lady started measuring some things. Mandy chirped up, “Can you tell the sex of the baby today?” The technician told her she indeed could. She asked me if I would like to know. I said, “Sure!” Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. She put the little wand over my belly. I felt myself panic. Oh god. Ronan really wanted a girl. Please. I really wanted a girl. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. The picture came on the screen. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. “From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl.” “Really? Are you sure?” The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I could not believe my ears. I started bawling, tears falling everywhere. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. It was no use. Mascara and snot everywhere. I don’t think I have stopped crying, the entire day. Quinn was over the moon. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. So typical. So funny. I tried to call your daddy. He didn’t answer. I had Quinn call your Nana. She thought we were all lying to her. No way could it really be a girl.

I finally got your daddy on the phone. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldn’t tell him. “Guess what?” I said, tears still falling everywhere. Your daddy never knows what he’s going to get with me. It could have been everything from “I’m leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog.” I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, “We’re having a baby girl.” He was so happy. He said he knew it. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Fernanda. Stacy. Becca. Macy. Liz. Dr. Jo. Melissa. Gay. Tricia. Danielle. Marisa. Carolyn. Charisma. Kass. Rach. Robyn. Rissy Girl. Katie. Meg. Our Fairy RoMo. It is her birthday today. Can you believe that shit?! I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Talk about another huge sign! There was one person I had not told yet. Your Sparkly. He is the last person I told today. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I sent him a text. “Where are you?” He responded with “In a meeting. Are you o.k.?” I said I was o.k. That I needed to see him today. “I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Come to my office.” I met him there. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. I didn’t see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. He sat down. I told him to hang on, that if I didn’t send this email, I would forget to do it.” He sat. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. He laughed at that. “What’s going on? You look pretty today. You know what the baby is, don’t you.” I smiled. “Yup. It’s a baby girl.” I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. “I knew you were having a baby girl. I told you that. Ahhhh! You with a baby girl. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. You two are going to be something else.” I laughed and talked about you a little bit. How much you wanted a baby sister. I am still trying to absorb this all. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. “You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. She is so lucky to have you.” He responded back with a simple, “I will.” I said, “I know. Thank you.”

The rest of my day, played out in a way that I don’t think I can take much more. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. I, of course went to, “Oh fuck. It’s got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately.” I texted her back, “Is it good news or bad news?” I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. She responded with, “It might just be the BEST news ever.” I called her. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. I was wrong. Tears all over. As of now, I can’t talk about our news. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am overwhelmed. I am floored. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. You are making so many amazing things happen. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernanda’s house. I told her the Carolyn news. She could not believe it. A baby girl and now this?! She looked at me and said, “How are you not so overwhelmed?! Aye! Maya! You know this is all Ronan. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. with that. Because that would have been totally acceptable! But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening.!” I started to cry. I said I knew. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldn’t do that. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. All of my friends are. I am so lucky to have them all. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. They didn’t judge me. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didn’t talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. This is why they are still in my life. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. For that, I will forever be so thankful. For that, they will forever be my sisters. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Thank you, Ronan. I so badly wish you were here. More than anything. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Please make her extra extra spicy.

Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Today, my tears were more happy. I’m soaking that up, because it doesn’t happen often. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. I know you will.

xoxo

Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. Poppy is so lucky. We all are. I love you.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

All Good Things Happen, in New York

Ronan. The night before the Katie show, your daddy arrived. As soon as he arrived, we hopped on a train and made our way to the SoHo area. There is a record store there that he insists we hit up, every time we are in New York. I was tired, but I sucked it up  for him. We also met up with our friend, Ally M and a girlfriend of hers. We had some dinner and did a little record shopping. It was a nice way to end our New York trip and I know it made your daddy happy. We got back to our place, kind of late, packed and went to sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night. I was nervous for the next day. I woke up early, got ready, and tried my best to calm my nerves. A car picked us up and we headed over to the ABC studios. I had a long talk with you in the car ride over. It went a little something like this. “Ronan. I need you today. I cannot do this without you. Please, help me get through this. Make me calm and relaxed. I need to feel you, everywhere.”

Once we arrived, we were taken into our dressing room where we sat and waited. I had already done my make-up and blown out my hair, so I was good to go. I wore my special magical sparkly shoes that remind me so much of you, because of your love for your sparkly toe nails. Our Fairy RoMo showed up just in time, to take my mind off of everything that was about to happen. We sat and caught up. We had some laughs and she sat back and snapped some pictures. Katie’s lovely team came in and briefed us a bit. I just kept telling myself to breathe. We were soon taken downstairs to where the segment would shoot. Our Fairy RoMo went off to the green room, which was really green. Your daddy and I sat and watched Katie do her thing from the monitors. We hadn’t met her yet. She finished her segment and came bouncing off the stage over to us. “Hi, I’m Katie it’s so nice to meet you.” We chatted for a few minutes. I had a moment where I thought I might pee myself, but thankfully I did not. She ran off to change and we went to sit and wait for her. She came back to us once again and started briefing us on what she would be asking us. I was still a little nervous but I slowly felt things start to shift. We were taken out to her stage and sat down on the couch. I was closest to Katie, your daddy on the other side of me. I smiled at the audience. I felt a switch flip. It was as if all of a sudden, you were sitting right there next to me. My nerves were entirely gone. What in the world? This is not me. I have stage fright. I freak out over public speaking. I sat back, the cameras turned on and Katie started right up with our story. I started to tear up, almost instantly. They were showing pictures of you and playing some videos we had sent them. Katie handed me a Kleenex. I looked into the audience. Tears everywhere. Katie started talking. One of the first things she said, was Neuroblastoma was a brain tumor. “SHIT!” I thought to myself. “What do I do? Do I correct her on national television?” I had no choice. I had to. That is a big misconception with Neuroblastoma and rightfully so. The name makes it sounds like it has to do with the brain. I think I said something like, “Actually, it’s not a brain tumor…” Then I let your daddy explain it in a way that I hope everyone could understand. From that point on, the entire interview flew by. I felt so at ease and so proud to be up there, telling your story. Katie has a gift of just making you feel as if she has known you for years. She was very choked up, for most of the show as was everyone. Katie does what she does best, which is being a true journalist with this amazing heart of gold. After a very hard topic she had us all in giggles when she said, “I’d love to have you back on the show after you have the baby. Baby Katie.” The entire audience laughed out loud. It was a great way to end things. We walked off the stage. She came following a few minutes later. We talked and she kept thanking us over and over for sharing our story. I wanted to pick that tiny thing up and thank her from the bottom of my heart. She is a wonderful human being for caring about so many others than just herself.

We left there and grabbed lunch with Fairy RoMo. She was blown away. She watched the entire thing from the green room and kept saying how brilliant and lovely it was. I smiled as hearing that from her, means the world. We sat there, eating our lunch. I looked at Woody and I looked over at Fairy RoMo and said, “I have something else I want to ask you.” Your daddy and I have been talking about this for a while. I looked up. “We want to know if you will be the GodMom of this baby.” Tears sprang to her eyes, instantly. “Oh my god. Yes! Of course! I would be honored. I’ll be the best fucking god mother ever.” I wiped away my tears and your daddy and I chuckled at that. “I know that,” I said. “That’s why I asked you.” It was one of the most beautiful moments that will forever be frozen in my mind. She is your Fairy RoMo and loves you so much, Ronan, even without ever having met you. Imagine how she will be, with this little one. She is such a gift. You are such a gift. Thank you for bringing her into our life.

We got home last night. I am going to try not to be dramatic here, but I’m going to be dramatic here. Not once did I throw up in New York City. After we got home and I hugged and kissed your beautiful brothers a bunch of times, I started to get really nauseous. I ran into our bathroom and threw up everything I had eaten for dinner. I honestly think I had a physical reaction from being gone, coming home to our house, and not having you here. This house that I once loved so much, makes me sick. Your daddy told me to change my attitude. I didn’t argue. I shut my mouth instead. I wish it were something as simple, as changing my attitude. I wish that you in fact were still here, and I was coming home to you and your two brothers. Not your two brothers and you sitting on an urn on top of my dresser. Fucking cancer.

It’s today. I just had a 3 hour phone interview for something that is coming up. Something that I will talk about when the time is right. I was told after our interview that I was the bravest woman alive. I smiled with tears rolling down my cheeks and just said, “Ronan was brave.” I am throwing everything I have into everything I do, all for you. It will be this way for the rest of my life.

Also, for as much as I cannot listen to Taylor’s song, because I sob every time I hear it… it plays non-stop in my head, 24 hours a day. That girl, like you, is such an old soul. I am still blown away by her grace, beauty, and dignity. I will be thankful for the rest of my life, for her and for you. I am going back to New York this weekend until Tuesday. We will be going to see Taylor on the Katie Couric show. A handful of my board members are coming with me to celebrate everything New York, Taylor, Katie and you, Ronan. I cannot wait. I also have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. All good things happen in New York. The BEST things happen in New York. I cannot wait to see what comes of this trip, this time. I am always so surprised by the amazing things that come from that magical city.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo