What a day!

What a day! So glad it is O.V.E.R! Our usual Thursday morning started out by heading over to the clinic, with our Mimi Kay in tow. Ronan seemed like he was in a good mood, until we pulled up and I think that he remembered that it was Thursday, which means Broviac dressing changing day. Holy tantrum! I had to pry him out of the car and he proceeded to kick, scream, arch his back, and cry. He is so strong that I can barely contain him anymore. I was trying to hold him to carry him into the clinic and it took a good 10 minutes outside to even pick him up. He ripped my favorite good luck necklace off, my gold four leaf clover that Woody got me for my birthday last year. Ripped it right off my neck like he was the Incredible Hulk or something. I finally got him picked up and into the clinic but he was still screaming and trying to run away. I took him out into the common area, where the coffee lady is and held him in my lap at the table. He was still kicking and hitting me. I finally broke down and started crying and this is the only thing that ever gets his attention and makes him stop. I cried and did my usual whispering in his ear and he just watched me and soon snuggled up to my neck and settled down. Finally. It was a hard morning. Thank god I had Mimi there to help me carry my stuff and help with his dressing change. His blood levels and ANC counts are still good so he did not need a blood transfusion today which is always a plus. We were able to get out of there fairly quickly. I thought Ronan was getting used to all of this but it is days like today, that I know he is not. I never know what or who I am going to get with him. It is the worst pain in the world to see your baby suffer and hurt. It is beyond emotionally draining and physically exhausting. After we were finished there, Mimi, Papa, and Kathy took Ronan home for me and I went off to see my therapist.I needed it…. my nerves were shot after that visit. We had a good chat and I have started working on some breathing techniques to help calm myself down during the day when I am feeling anxiety. We also talked about things I can do at night to help my mind wander to sleep. I’ll try anything at this point… well, except sleeping medication. Just not going to go there.

After my appointment I met my sweet friends, Jen, Trish, Bethany, and Niki for a nice girls lunch. We had a little pow wow about some things that are in the works for Ronan’s Foundation and Pediatric Cancer in general. I’m telling you, these are the kind of girls you want on your side. Very genuine, smart, honest girls. I felt so lucky to be sitting in the middle of all of them<3 I am very excited about the things we have in store. We are going to turn this into something very beautiful and positive. I will never give up on my vision or hope for all of this. When Ronan is well, it is something I will devote my life to. Right now, I am just going to have to take baby steps to get to where I want this to go. I’m o.k. with that. Baby steps are steps in the right direction.

After lunch I ran a couple of errands and went to pick up Liam and Quinn from school. Such a treat for me. There is nothing I love more than seeing their faces light up when they see that I am there to pick them up from school. It has always been one of  my favorite things, but now it means so much more to me because I am often not able to do it. They were very happy and excited to tell me all about their day. I love that they are doing so well in school and seem to enjoy it so much. One less thing I have to worry about.

Mimi, Papa, and Kathy stayed all day and for part of the evening tonight so Wood and I could go grab dinner. We went to Chelsea’s for a quick bite. It was nice to be out alone with him. We talked a lot about New York and our plan and have the dates pretty much finalized. Woody will take me out there and when he is not there, Mimi Kay will stay with me. Karen, Tricia, and Sarah have all offered to come out during part of the time too and I just may take them up on that. I’ve got a couple of people out there that I know so hoping to connect with them as well. The more support we have, the better. It’s going to be quite a journey.. I am going to have to gather all of my strength to get him though this next chapter.

That’s all for tonight. Very tired, hoping for some peaceful sleep without nightmares. Goodnight, friends. <3

Angels waiting in the wings

I am amazed at the people who have come out of the woodwork to help us. People that we know and complete strangers just because they are touched by Ronan’s story. I put something out into the universe today… and I am getting amazing responses. People who are willing to go above and beyond to help us any way they can. It is people like this that the world needs more of. Selfless people who stand by their word and pour all the energy they have into helping out people like us. I’ll never look at the human spirit the same again.

All has been pretty quiet around here. Ronan is still storming right a long. He had a few fits today….bouts of anger and hitting me for no reason. Well, I guess he had a reason…. his reason. He was that angry that Liam and Quinn were not home. He likes to take it out on me and when his little temper hits, I bear the brunt of it. Not fun to see or watch. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know what his moods are going to be like. I am doing my best to discipline him but sometimes nothing works and I’ve come to find out I just have to let him let his anger out. He’s got to be angry about a lot and I know he is having a hard time processing what he is feeling. It’s heartbreaking. I keep telling him that we will get through this and he will get better. He talks all the time about getting his “Iron Man” out. I don’t blame the kid.

We go to the clinic in the morning and then Mimi Kay and Kathy are going to watch Ronan so I can get some things done. It will be nice to get out of the house and take a break from Ronan. I am meeting my friends Jen, Bethany, and Trish for lunch and to go over some things for Ronan. I am so lucky to have girlfriends who are willing to drop whatever to see me and work on some ongoing projects with me. All of their support has been keeping me going.

I can’t believe the holidays are right around the corner. It’s my favorite time of year to live here. I am hoping to take Ronan to a pumpkin patch this week or next. We will of course talk Liam and Quinn as well. Last year we lived at the pumpkin patches and I took all of the boys half a dozen times. We are a pretty active family and I love taking my 3 little guys off for adventures. It’s been awhile since we’ve done anything like that. Ronan seems to be feeling just fine so a pumpkin picking we will go.

I’m still trying to find my balance and where my life fits into all of this. Before this happened, my life consisted of a daily routine of healthy outlets. I’ve let all of those things go and can’t seem to get back into them. I miss my workouts, running, hiking, boot camp, etc…. Any time I have free from Ronan, I find myself feeling guilty. I feel like I need to be with him 24 hours a day. I know that’s not realistic or heathy, but time away from him feels selfish to me. I know I need a break and I am going to try to start doing some things again. To be quite honest, I feel like if I put myself back out there, there world is just going to swallow me whole. It’s that whole anxiety thing that I’m now dealing with I guess. I feel safer trapped inside my little bubble with my little guy by my side. It is something I will continue to struggle with but I will also continue to work on. There has got to be a happy medium somewhere… it’s just going to take work to find my new comfort zone.

It’s 3:10 in the morning now. I’ve been up off and on all night long. I finally feel like I am tired enough to sleep a few hours. Thanks for reading this, thinking of us, and praying for our family. Love to you all<3 Goodnight, friends.

Knock on wood

Today is day 8. Every time Ronan starts his chemo treatments, his blood levels are supposed to drop after 7-14 days. Which means, less energy, his immune system is low, etc…. Nothing yet. I took him to the clinic yesterday and his blood levels were still good. He has been full of energy and has been running around non-stop. Let’s hope this continues. Woody and I can’t get over him and how great he looks, for being so sick. None of this makes sense at all. I am just taking this as another great sign that Ronan is going to beat this and pray we continue to sail right through this. For dealing with something so difficult, he has been a champion…. not acting like a sick kid at all.

We have been taking advantage of being at home and doing normal things. The boys’ have been playing together non-stop. The love my 3 boys have for one another is so powerful and moving. It’s helping us win this battle. Last night Ronan cuddled up in Quinn’s bed and fell asleep with him. I left him there all night and only got up a few times to check on him. He slept peacefully the whole night through and woke Quinn up around 6:30 this morning to play. Ronan was upset that the boys had to leave for school this morning but I kept him busy. We ran some errands and I even took him into Target. Shhhhh! Don’t tell Woody;) I took him in to grab a few things, the store was empty, and I didn’t let him sit in a shopping cart. Poor kid has been begging me to take him for weeks now. We were very careful and I sanitized his hands about every 5 minutes. It made his day. He just wants to do normal things, like we used to do. So we did<3 And we will continue to do things as “normal” as possible. I am getting used to the looks of pity when we go out into public and Ronan doesn’t want to wear his hat. It doesn’t seem to bother me as much anymore. Heck Ronan doesn’t even care or notice, so why should I??

As of now, Ronan’s surgery is scheduled for the end December. I have a nice little story about the exact date of his surgery. I was telling my new friend, Pam, who has the little girl, Victoria, who is a cancer survivor, when it is going to be. As soon as I told her, she got a little quiet and goes, “Oh my god. That is the date that Victoria’s surgery was.” Same surgeon, Dr. La Qualia and everything. Another one of those good signs that I’ve been seeing during through this entire journey. We both got goosebumps and I got teary eyed. So Christmas in New York it will be:) Just wish it were under different circumstances but we are going to make it the best Christmas ever. As my dear Karen keeps saying, it’s one step closer to Ronan’s wellness.

Our next round of Magic Medicine does not start until November 1st. Until then, if all goes well, we will just be making visits to the clinic twice a week and we will be home the rest of the time. There truly is no place like home. Tonight, we went for a walk down to the our neighbors house. Ronan ran the entire way, only turning back to catch the football we were throwing. We had a great walk with our friends and enjoyed the cooler weather. It was the perfect evening and I was so happy that we were all together as a family.

I fell asleep early tonight, cuddled up to Ronan. Only wish I could sleep the whole night through…. ended up waking up in a panic and now my mind will not be still. Too many unknowns and worries keep me up. How do you sleep when the baby right next to you has cancer?? I woke him up to tell him I love him a few minutes ago. I tell him that 100 times a day. None of this has gotten any easier, but it has become our new way of life. This is not a life I would wish on anyone, but it is our life now and we will make it as happy and beautiful as possible. To be any other way would not be fair to Ronan or the twins. I know how important consistency and security is in a childhood. Especially in little guys who are 7. They will remember most of what we are going through so we have to make sure we make this as positive of an experience as possible.

Woody came home tonight with his hair buzzed super short. So sweet and cute of him to do. Ronan loved it and kept wanting to feel the top of his head. His long eyelashes are starting to go, as well as his eyebrows. His eyelashes are still there, but they are not as thick as they used to be. It just makes him that much more beautiful. Every feature on that child is beyond perfection.

So, if you don’t hear from me this week it’s only because I am taking full advantage of my healthy baby and being home. This week has been spent playing catch up on all the things I am behind on from being at the hospital all last week. It is amazing how far behind I can get on things around here.

Sweet dreams, friends. <3

Magic Medicine… Day one, Round 3

This chemo is going to be rough. This is the stuff that causes major vomiting… and a few other side effects that we will PRAY hard, do not happen to Ronan. Hearing loss is a big one. High pitch hearing loss to be exact which I can absolutely live with, if it means keeping him alive. I am hoping and praying that Ronan tolerates all of this well, without a hitch. If he can get though these 4 days, this baby can get through anything. Our poor roommate next to us. He is an older boy, feeding tube in his nose, his parents are nowhere in sight… working I’m sure. Every once in a while I hear him on the phone, crying about how he can’t eat. Poor sweet boy. As awful as all of this is, I am so thankful that I am not a working mom and can devote all of my time to taking care of Ronan. We are so fortunate for being in such an awful situation. I can’t imagine having to leave Ronan in the hands of others to go and work. Thank god for Woody, I thank god for him everyday of my life.

Today has been great so far. We spent the morning home, getting ready for our week here. I have the laundry all done, house all clean. Niki stopped by to bring me coffee and Ronan actually came out of my room and played with her for a bit. We headed over to the clinic to have Ronan’s counts checked to make sure he was good to go to start this round of chemo. Ro was very excited about seeing our nurse, Sharon and followed her around the clinic while we were there. We didn’t have to wait long to get a room which was nice. We got checked in very easily and fast. Once we got up here we played in the playroom for awhile. Ronan was full of energy. He is sleeping now.. he didn’t nap today and is taking a late nap. They are going to start his first dose of chemo soon. I am anxious to get it started asap. The sooner we get it over with, the better. Trish is going to come by and bring me dinner and Woody is going to pop in as well.

We are in the same exact room that we were in when we were first admitted to the Oncology floor. It gave me major anxiety, walking in here. I tried to talk myself out of a panic attack but it didn’t work. I almost passed out on the spot. I am fine now.. I had Woody stay with Ronan so I could go downstairs and have a conversation with myself about how I need to suck this up and be strong for Ro. This whole floor brings back so many awful memories for me. It was a very hard 3 weeks when we were first here. I keep telling myself if I survived three weeks of this before, a week will be a piece of cake. Fucking cancer. I still can’t believe this is happening to our precious baby. It is a parents worse nightmare.

It’s going to be a long night. We are still waiting to start the chemo. It has to be double approved by the pharmacy before they can even deliver it, and the person who has to approve it, does not even get in until 9:00 p.m….. hopefully Ronan will stay asleep during the whole process and will not have any side effects. Trish came to visit and brought some homemade pumpkin soup. It was delicious. Woody also came by and brought CPK for all of us. While they were here, Dr. Maze stopped by to check in. It is always nice to see him, Ronan talks about him all the time and always asks me if he is going to carry him to sleep. So sweet and funny. We talked to Liam and Quinn tonight and it sounds like they are having a great time in Colorado. They got to spend some time with one of my best friends, Susie, who lives there. Wish I could have been there with them. Ronan talked to them both on the phone tonight. He misses them just as badly as I do. I hate that they we all have to be away from each other so much now. I will never stop being bitter about that.

Wish us luck tonight. Hopefully Ronan won’t even notice the chemo and will sleep right through all of it. Goodnight dear friends.

Scans are done… now we wait

We are home finally from our long evening of scans. Ronan started at 4:30 this evening and was not finished until about 8:00 tonight. Dr. Maze was there, as always, to give Ronan his anesthesia. He stayed the entire time, even though I was told that he would more than likely not be there when Ronan woke up. He was, and that meant the world to us. He is truly a doctor that goes above and beyond. The world would be such a better place with more people like him in it. He takes the time to go over everything with us… to make sure we are being taken care of, listens to our question and concerns and to give us advice. We will forever be grateful for him. He has made a huge difference in this experience for us. Ronan trusts him and truly loves him. He is only really like this with Dr. Maze and our wonderful nurse, Sharon. Those are the two people Ronan trusts the most… and those are the two people I trust the most. It makes a big difference when you can look into the eyes of the person who is taking care of your child and see that they truly have a passion and love for what they are doing. I see it every time I look into the eyes of the both of them. It brings me a lot of comfort and somehow makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.

Ronan woke up really grumpy from the anesthesia. He got a little sick to his stomach and slept the entire ride home. He is asleep now and I am hoping he stays that way for the rest of the night. Poor baby. He had a hard day and spent the better part of it being upset that we were at the hospital and not at home. It’s days like today that I feel so heartbroken for him. I just want him better and healthy so he can go back to his life before all of this. I did my best and was strong for him all day long… I spent the entire time at the hospital talking him through everything and trying to distract him. He just wanted to be home with his brothers. I don’t blame him; I did too.

I got to spend some time with Tricia and Marisa tonight. They both came to the hospital so I wouldn’t have to wait alone. It was nice to sit and laugh with them. They know when I need a good distraction and waiting for Ro to come out of anesthesia is always hard for me. Thanks girls for sitting with me tonight and thanks Marisa for checking my blood sugar levels;)

This weekend we are going to lay low and enjoy our family time together. Ronan will start round 3 of his “Magic Medicine” on Monday and I just found out that we will have to be admitted into the hospital for his treatment. The dose is stronger so they will need to monitor him all week. Not excited about that but like always, we will make the best of the situation.

We should hear back about Ronan’s scans some time tomorrow. Praying for good news and praying hard. Sweet dreams my friends.

Staying sane… or at least trying

Today was an easy day. It reminded me of our old life which was nice, but bittersweet as well. We spent the day at home and ran to the hospital for about an hour. Then we went and got shaved ice and headed to see our favorite friend, Halle, at our dry cleaners. It was a quiet day around the house until the twins got home. We spent the evening playing and laughing. My friend, Bethany, dropped off dinner. It was very therapeutic to see her. She is someone I don’t know very well, but I feel like I do. We grew up in the same town, I was friends with her younger sister, and Bethany and I connected last year though Facebook. Her little boy, Madden, went to preschool with Ronan. She was trying so hard to hold it together for me, but we both ended up crying a bit. It was nice to talk to her, to hear how her family prays and thinks about us everyday…. it was nice to have a bit of my home in front of me.

Liam and Quinn had basketball practice tonight and are still gone with Woody. Ronan is already fast asleep. I kept myself busy tonight picking up the house and venting to my father about some things that are bothering me. UGH. I am tired of keeping things inside and he made a comment to me earlier today that upset me. I called him back and told him I thought he was being insensitive. I should have just let it go, but I couldn’t. I think it may be best to separate myself from some people for a while. I can’t deal with the day-to-day drama anymore. I am tired of having people compare what they have went through in their life, to what we are going through. For most people, life is what you make of it. It’s called choices. We didn’t have a choice with Ronan getting cancer, but we do have a choice of how we can handle it. I am trying to stay sane and focus on my beautiful husband and children. I am trying to focus on all the positive things like how well Ronan is handling everything. I see a light at the end of the tunnel because I know Ronan is going to win. My beautiful baby will not be destroyed over this disease; we will get him through this.

Tomorrow we have a big day. We check in to PCH at 3:00 for Ronan’s scans. He has an MIBG, Bone marrow, and MRI. I told Ronan today all about coming back to the hospital tomorrow because I wanted to prepare him for his long day. He told me it was o.k. and asked if he was going to get put to sleep by Dr. Maze. I told him yes, and he said it was o.k. because, “He’s so nice, mama.” It was really sweet. Ronan is getting very used to his new way of life. It still makes me mad and it’s still not fair but I am thankful that my angel baby seems to be coming to terms with it and is accepting that this is just the way his life has to be now. I hope he understands that it won’t be like this forever. Someday, we will have our beautiful life back, and we are going to appreciate everything so much more. Sometimes, I think I am lying to myself when I say that because I did appreciate all the things we had. I guess it is a lie that I am going to continue to tell myself throughout this whole ordeal because thinking that life is going to be so much sweeter and better after all of this gives me strength and pushes me forward.

Today when we were at the hospital, Ronan asked me where Auntie Karen was. She is out of town for the week on a much deserved, fun, vacation. He told me he wants to see her and misses her. I told him I miss her too, but we will see her next week. We love you, Auntie Karen. We hope you are having the best time and Ronan can’t wait until you get back so he can tease and love you. Goodnight to you all out there… I hope you are hugging your loved ones extra tight, every night.

One flew over the coo coo’s nest… and that one is officially me

When going through something like this I’ve learned that at times you will feel crazy. And at times, people will make you feel like you are going crazy… and tell you things like you need medication. But somehow… if you are strong enough, you pull it all together… get all the little voices out of your head, refocus, and find your way back. It can take something as simple as taking a drive, screaming your lungs out and just taking 30 minutes to be alone, to bring your strength and sanity back. Game on, cancer. You have pushed me down but I will not stop fighting back.

I have also learned that I can no longer take things day by day. My world now consists of hour by hour. One foot in front of the other. Apparently, there is a certain way you are supposed to act and behave when your child has cancer. I have not been following standard protocol because I am only human. Until you have walked in the shoes of a mother who’s child is sick, you cannot pass judgement or tell them what is right or wrong. I know I am making mistakes, but they are my mistakes to make. As of right now, I am thankful I am able to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take care of my baby. That right there is a victory to me in it’s own right.

I said from the beginning of all of this that this blog was going to get ugly. I love the days that I am happy, positive and full of light. Unfortunately, this can’t always be the case. This is my blog… my honest blog and a lot of it is going to be the way that I am feeling. I will of course update you on how Ronan is feeling, his progress, his victories…. but there is going to be some other things in here that are not so fun to read. If you are not down for that…. the bus stops here. This is my outlet and my truth and I won’t be shut down.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I can update you on how Ronan is doing. To say he is doing amazingly well is an understatement. He is so full of spunk and energy it’s like we have 3 Ronan’s running around the house. He enjoyed his weekend playing with his Nana and brothers. There was a lot of Nerf gun shooting going on in our house. Tomorrow we will check his blood levels to see if we are ready to start the harvest of his stem cells on Tuesday. If that is the case, then we will spend 1 or 4 days down at the hospital depending on how easily the harvest goes. Thankfully, the process is very simple for being so complex. They take the stem cells out of his broviac so it is just a matter of how quickly the collection goes. It still makes for a long day so I will have to bring lots of things to keep our little guy busy; in bed. Lots of books, coloring, and movie watching. Maybe I’ll bring one of his Nerf guns so he can shoot the nurses;)

My mom leaves tomorrow after being here for a week. I will have to say that I wish I could have been a little  stronger and sane for her visit, but I cracked. I spent the whole week feeling like I was drowning and suffocating. I can’t help the way I am feeling or when my emotions take over.  I’m sorry for making my mom worry so much about me because I am going to be fine. I took out a lot of my anger on her  because she is my mom and I am angry about a lot of things. So, I apologize for that… nobody deserves to suffer my wrath.

I wanted to take a minute to say a huge thank you to all my Kelso Kids who supported Ronan and walked the Relay for Life for him on Saturday. Liv and Jen…. you two are my hearts. I can’t thank you enough for rallying together to making Team Ronan happen. And Olivia, your speech was beautiful. I am so proud to have you up there as my friend, talking about my baby. He is a fighter and in a couple of years we will be there walking it with you; with Ronan as a survivor.

Goodnight to all of our angels out there. Please continue to pray and send your strength our way.

My husband is my hero

I think I have officially cracked. I’m sure I’ll have lots of times where this is the case but I think it happened yesterday. That’s where my family, friends, and husband come into play and put me back together. Especially my husband. He is my rock, my pillar of strength, my everything. I tend to overdo things in my life… this has pretty much always been a theme of mine. I’ve been overdoing everything, except the most important thing which is connecting and being present with my family. I have been keeping so busy… so overly busy… I guess so I didn’t have time to sit and truly think about what is going on. I mean, I know what is going on… but it is easy not to think about it when you have too much on your plate. This has been my coping mechanism. So the last few days, I’ve taken some time away from researching, blogging, emailing, etc…. it felt nice. Woody and I have had some good talks. Somewhere in the middle of all the chaos I forgot about my best friend; him. And I know why. It’s easier for me to not look at him in the eyes and to not see his pain. It’s easier to be too busy, because it’s hard for me to see him hurting and I don’t want him to see how scared and sad I am. But he knows…. I married one of the smartest men out there… it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. He sat me down and told me that I need to put my faith back into him and trust that he has already done all the research, talking with doctors, etc…. He did this weeks ago. I guess I just got lost in the shuffle of all of this… by obsessing. It has been my way of dealing with things. It’s not the right way and it’s not the healthy way. I see that now. I’ve got to trust the people around me more, trust the doctors, trust in all the prayers and good energy. It’s hard for me… but the person I trust most in my life is my husband. 110 percent. He is the most amazing man in the world and I know with him by my side we will get through this. Some people search their whole lives for what Woody and I have and never find it. Even though all of this, I still think I’m the luckiest girl alive. I’m going to focus more on being in the present… I can’t think and obsess about the future. I am here, Ronan is happy, and that is all that matters. We have to make the most of our good days with him because as of now, these are the good days. He is home with us and everyday I have to remember that the days we are together as a family are the best days of my life; no matter what our circumstances are. Ronan, Quinn, and Liam need to have things as normal as possible and that is going to be one of the main things I focus on. I have to bring back the balance and harmony in our lives.

After hounding Phoenix Children’s Hospital for 24 hours, we received Ronan’s CT and Bone scans back. I am just going to touch on this and say that it looks like the chemo is doing what it is supposed to be doing. It appears to be working but we will know much more next week after our second set of scans. This is very good news for Ronan and for our family. Please continue to pray for our little fighter… he has such a long road ahead of him.

It will always be Maya and Woody or Woody and Maya

My feelings have been getting hurt a lot over things lately. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me, but they do now. I’ve been struggling with all of these new feelings and have felt guilty  thinking I was being selfish and mean for having them. I now know that these feelings are normal because of what we are going through. I found a guideline today while reading the online handbook. It made me feel as if maybe I am not losing my mind. If anything, I am more in tune with what is the appropriate way to act when handling our situation. Most people do it with such grace and ease…. some not so much. I wish I was more “guy like” and could just brush certain things off. I’m not that way at all. I sit and think about things too much and it is a waste of time and energy. I’ve got to let some things go and spend time on things that are important to me now. I can’t be dealing with other B.S. That’s all I’m saying about that because as I said before, it’s not worth my time and energy. I know what is true and what is not.

Today, I got a call from one of our nurses, “A.” Yes, that is really what she is called. Her real name is something else, but she has been called just “A,” ever since she was about 4 years old. She called to tell me they have set up Ronan’s scans. His first one will be this Thursday and his second one will be next Thursday. My stomach dropped just hearing that they are set up. I know I have been waiting for this but I feel like the not knowing part is almost easier at this point. It’s like I am in a protective bubble and when those scan results come back, it’s going to pop. We are hoping that the results will show that the shrinkage of his tumor  is about 20-25%. We are praying and praying hard. What we are doing has to be working. Ronan will have to be put under with anesthesia both days. I hate that part but I know Dr. Maze will take good care of my little seal. He won’t let anything happen to him so that makes me worry a little less.

Tonight, Woody and I were able to get out for a few hours. We went to meet our friends, Kenny and Stacy Frakes for dinner. As we were walking to AZ88, holding hands… I closed my eyes for just a second, took a deep breath, and pretended that we were on one of our normal weekly dates that we used to have and that none of this was happening to us. It was just Maya and Woody and nothing else mattered or existed. For those 10 seconds, I felt such bliss and happiness. I felt connected with my husband and it felt really good. We met our friends, who we have not been out with on a double date with in a good 5 years. Which is so sad. Another one of those times in your life where you get too busy and always say you are going to meet up and never do. What a waste of years without good company. Kenny and Stacy are the kind of friends where 5 years can go by without seeing them and then 5 years later you meet up and pick right back up where you left off. Woody and I had the best time with them tonight. We got to act like a couple again and enjoy being out with our friends. We talked about everything from Ronan to Bob Dylan. Tonight was an absolute joy in every way. I also love that Kenny and Stacy are not the kind of friends who run away and disappear after something like this happens. If anything, it made them want to see us more because they truly care and love us. We knew them before were married, and have always held them close to our hearts. I am so glad Ken got in touch with Woody and we set something up. It was so healthy for us to do something like that. I actually saw Woody enjoying himself tonight. I have not seen that side of him in 7 weeks. It was beautiful, refreshing, and made me all warm and fuzzy inside. We need to take time to do things like that more often. I was not ready before… but I feel like I am now. Woody and I are the foundation of our family. We have to love, cherish, and take time for each other. We are going to try harder to work on that. This won’t break us or our family.