Tag: Grief

Prayers are nice, but they are not going to fix things. I have a new idea. It’s called Faith and Fight.

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Ronan. I knew yesterday, that I was not going to get out of bed. I got up, showered, took your brothers to school and acted like the happy mama they deserve to love and see. I came back home and sank back into my bed for the rest of the day. I spent the morning and afternoon, throwing up. I don’t think this is much of a Poppy thing anymore. But just the way my body reacts to all of this grief that I carry around with me 24/7. My heart was too heavy for you and Teddy, to do much else so I didn’t. Then I turned on the T.V. just in time to hear about the shooting in Newton, CT. I sat back and watched with horror on my face as the numbers of the kids shot and killed, continued to rise. I hid in my bed. I sobbed in my bed. I told you this world was too awful to continue to live in. All I could think about was those innocent babies, who will never have a future. Just like the thousands of innocent babies who die of cancer every year. What happened yesterday was the most senseless act of violence I’ve ever heard of in my life and my heart is absolutely broken for the families who are left here to try to go on and live, without their children.

Facebook yesterday was full of people shouting their political opinions. I read everything from the reason this happened was because we need stricter gun laws in this country (which I do agree with but that is not going to fix the problem) to it’s because we have taken God out of our schools… (ugh, really?) To it was because the kid was autistic (shut the fuck up). This did not just happen for one reason. It is combination of things that seem to be wrong in our country. You cannot just point your finger at one thing. Clearly this kid had some kind of mental illness and was not getting the proper treatment. Hey! Here’s an idea! Let’s stop throwing so much money at things like war, welfare, and NASA and maybe focus on the things here that really need to be focused on like the well being of people who have an illness down here and really need to be treated, helped, or nurtured. Let’s do whatever it takes to help the person in need instead of ignoring them.

It also seemed that every single person on Facebook was saying things like, “Praying for the families !” Or “hugging my babies extra tight today!” Let me tell you 2 things. The first being, prayers for as nice as they are, are NOT going to change things. Are they going to bring back the dead child? Ummm… no. Are they going to help put an end to this insane violence that seems to keep continuing to happen over and over again? No. I wish it were that simple, but it’s not. I know this first hand. Things do not get done by sitting back and praying and doing nothing else. Change does not happen that way. Change happens by working your ass off. Things only get done by being vocal, taking risks, taking ideas and no matter how many times you hear the word, no, you DON’T accept it as an answer. You keep fighting for the change you want to see happen. You fight with everything you have until finally you start to see things move in the direction you want. Trust me. The things that have happened in my life, since Ronan died, have not been because I have sat back, prayed for it and done nothing else. I work my fucking ass off every single day because I know if I really want to change things, it takes a lot of hard work. It does not happen by me being huddled in a corner, praying for cancer to be cured. If it were that fucking simple, my child would not be dead. The second thing here kills me. It kills me everyday that it takes a tragedy like yesterday to remind us that we need to hug our children more tightly everyday. Why are we not hugging our kids extra tight, every single day? From the second my kids were born, I knew they were an absolute gift that I treasured every single day. From the second Ronan was born, I was constantly telling myself how lucky I was to have him and that every single day with him, felt like Christmas only 1,000 better. I have pages and pages in journals I used to write in just months after Ronan was born where all I did was talk about how amazing he was, how much I loved him, how he made our family so perfect. I knew every single day, that I was so lucky to have him for the time that I did. Looking back now, I can tell you all that I knew deep down, that Ronan was not going to be here forever. Going back now, and reading the things that I wrote about him in his very early years of life, I knew. This is one of the reasons the bond and connection I have with him is so deep. I never took a second of that child’s life for granted. I hugged him and all of my kids, extra tight every single day. Since losing Ronan, I know there have been times that I haven’t hugged Liam and Quinn as tightly as I should be doing so. But my hugs sometimes come in other ways such as getting out of bed and packing their lunches for school. And I always make sure to tell them how much I love them, every single day because I know there is no guarantee in life that I am going to have them forever.

I don’t want to get to political or preachy about all of this because the bottom line is kids are dying left and right every single day whether it be from a senseless act of insanity, cancer or something else. When you become a parent you take that chance in life that you may not have your child forever. I used to be one of the lucky ones who did. And now that I am not, you can be damn sure I am not going to sit back and pray about it while doing nothing else. I am going to change the very fucked world of childhood cancer by being an activist and using my pain for motivation. I am going to fight for my child for the rest of my life because he should still be here. My child is dead due to the lack of funding and attention that childhood cancer receives. Because too many people choose to ignore it and not make it a priority (hello lovely government). Well, that is fucked. That is just as fucked as some person who quite clearly needed mental help going in and shooting all of those innocent kids. So, people of the world. If you are so upset about any of this, then get off your asses and really do something about it! If you are so worried about the safety of your kids, take some sort of action instead of just waiting for someone else or something else, to do it for you. Say your prayers, but then be proactive and DO SOMETHING! I pray all of the time(to Ronan). I pray and talk to him, 24 hours a day. I let him give the me strength to do everything in my life and push me forward. I do not sit back, pray to Ronan, and then do nothing, expecting a miracle to happen. I pray to him while doing a lot of things, too. The power of those two things, gets me through my days. Those two things, are very powerful if I sit back and do them together. I just wish I would see more people praying in the world AND actually doing something as well. It has to start being a combination of the two things. It has to be a combination of your faith and your fight in order for things in this world to change.

And for all of you yesterday, still posting status updates all over Facebook like, “So sorry for all of those kids. Hugging my kids extra tight today!” And then 2 hours later, the same people are posting other updates such as, “GOD! My kids are driving me insane and the Nanny just canceled! How am I supposed to finish my Christmas shopping now?!?!” Fuck you. Fuck you from the bottom of my very broken heart and fuck you for not having any self awareness at all. Some of us would give anything to have our kids here, driving us insane, while knowing that Christmas shopping is the last thing in the world that matters.

My heart goes out to the parents last night who had to go to sleep without their children. I know what that feels like every single night, since being without you, Ronan. It is a pain I would wish on no one. I am so sorry to those kids, their families and every single person who loved and cared for them. I am so sorry for the sweet teachers lives that were taken as well. School is supposed to be the safest place for our kids to be. It is very apparent that there are many things broken that need to be fixed in order for things like this to stop happening. It is very apparent to me that it is not just one problem, but many. I hope we can get this figured out quickly, other wise I fear this will not stop. And my kids may be next. I am not naive to the world of tragedy. I know this could have been my kids, yesterday. I stopped living in a bubble a long time ago.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams last night. Your head was bald but the way you ran into my arms was so real, it was almost like you were here again. I even remember being able to smell you. And you still had your squeaky little voice. What did you say to me, baby boy? Oh yes, I remember. “It’s just me and you, baby.” Forever and always. Me and you.

xoxo

I meant to get a manicure, but I wound up in the hospital instead.

tumblr_m9i6yn6qKe1qkvjujo1_500Ronan. The past few days, have been really, really bad. Not only for me mentally, but physically as well. I think I’ve been overdoing some things. I think I’m in a really bad grieving period and I’m not sure quite what to do. I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. All I want for Christmas is you and I can’t come to peace with that I don’t get to have you here with us. I am notorious for throwing up since losing you. It has been happening off and on since you left this earth. I had really bad morning sickness with Poppy that I thought I had gotten through, but it might not be the morning sickness that is making me still so very sick. I started throwing up on Monday night and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for days. I know what the flu feels like, and this is not the flu. I think it’s just grief/exhaustion/ pregnancy. My insomnia is making me a mad woman as well. The combo of throwing up and not sleeping caught up with me and Dr. Schwartz made me check myself into the hospital where I was pumped full of IV fluids, monitored, and then they gave me a shot in the ass that hurt like a mother fucker. I was dehydrated. With a severe case of I really, really, really just miss you. I am home now but I wish I wasn’t. I’m going crazy in our house, not having you here. All of my pain seems to so sharp again, just when I thought it was becoming a little duller. It’s not. Everything hurts to the core, worse than normal.

I made it through much of the week, trying to be as productive as possible. Nobody really knew anything was wrong except your daddy because he has watched me become the spawn of the devil. Throwing up, up and down all night long, crying all through the night, pulling away because it’s what I do best when I am in so much pain. I can still put on a good game face when I have to though. Like when I went to an event on Tuesday at PCH. One where the room was full of some of my favorite people that treated you. I was feeling miserable, but I know when to turn on my acting skills. I saw one of my favorite doctors there, Dr. Adams. I haven’t seen her since before you passed away. I went up to her. I don’t know if she recognized me right away. I touched her arm. “Dr. Adams. It’s Maya, Ronan’s mom.” I watched her eyes well up with tears. She grabbed me and just held on to me for a minute. “Oh my gosh, dear. How are you? I told her I was o.k. I told her about your Poppy sister. She said she was so glad to see me. The press conference started on so we had to be quiet. I stood next to her for it. She had to sneak out in the middle of it but before she left she grabbed on to me once again, embraced me in her arms and whispered in my ear. “This baby girl is not going to replace Ronan. Nothing ever will. Ever. Not even close. I know you know that. But I think she will help your broken heart just a bit. Please take care of yourself. It was so nice to see you.” I told her thank you and somehow managed not to become a puddle on the floor. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. I know she is so sad that you didn’t get better. So many people are. I was thankful for her kind words. It takes a special kind of person to really say what is in their heart. I think it is much easier for people just to say things like, “Congratulations!” about the new baby, and harder for them to really truly understand that this is not going to fix everything. That behind this baby, is still a lot of sadness and pain. I know this baby is an absolute gift. But I also know it is not the answer for the big gaping hole that is in my heart. She will never replace you. She will be a part of you. I will find some comfort in that.

It wasn’t until yesterday, that I really knew I was in breakdown mode. I know the not sleeping thing, is making everything worse. All I could do yesterday was cry and throw up. Cry and throw up. I cried at the post office. I cried picking up your brothers jerseys for their YMCA basketball game. I cried when that Coldplay song, “Fix You,” came on the radio. I walked around numbly for most of the day. I went into some stupid pretty store, full of stupid pretty things. I was waiting for the store to make me feel happy and fulfilled like I’m sure it would have, in my previous life, right? Because I’m sure I was the asshole back then, who thought shit like that mattered in life. I walked through this store, which looked like a NYC home store boutique on crack. Pretty stupid expensive Christmas stuff everywhere. I just wanted to be the normal girl who went “Ohhhh and Ahhhh!” over everything. Instead, all I wanted to do was throw every breakable, delicate item on the ground and scream, “What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! This bullshit is not what matters in life! Don’t you know that Ronan died and Teddy is dying and all these kids need our help?!!!!” I left the store and drove aimlessly around crying so hard, I don’t know how I didn’t get into an accident. I ended up in a parking lot, and called Dr. Jo. We had a good little phone conversation and I ended up calming down. I was supposed to see her today, but then I ended up in the hospital. I am home now. I wish I wasn’t. I liked being in the hospital listening to all the beeps and sounds that I used to listen to, with you. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it was comforting.

Your daddy came home tonight to tell me that our dentist had died. The non-smoker dentist who developed lung cancer out of the blue. Our young dad of a dentist that I used to take you to. How is that fucking possible? You are healthy. He takes care of your beautiful teeth. You get cancer. We stop going to him. He gets cancer. He is treated for it. You die. He dies. And you were both so fucking innocent. He didn’t smoke. You didn’t do a thing wrong in your life but you were both dealt the hand of a fucking death sentence. I hope the fuckwad that came up with the saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” reads this. Then they can go and fuck off. Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. There was no reason for your death or his. Now his wife is left here and his kids have to grow up without a dad. There is no reason at all for the endless pain and suffering on this planet, especially when it has to do with such innocent souls. Everything happens for a reason is another one of the stupidest sayings in life. Add it to my list of things only idiots say.

Our Teddy friend is not doing so well. That might be another reason I am so upset this week. This is killing my soul. I had the best day with him this summer, kissing the top of his little bald head and holding his hand as we crossed the street. The way he laughed and played with your brothers, reminded me so much of you. He has an 8-year-old brother who is not understanding any of this. I feel like I am reading our story, all over again. I need you to take care of him, Ronan. All his mama wants is for him to go peacefully now. Please don’t let him suffer. Please let him fall asleep, the way you did. Please everyone, keep Teddy boy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else  you do. If you want to follow his story, you can do so here. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m just so very sad for this family and this little boy. I’m going to go now my little spicy monkey. I need to try to get some rest so I don’t wind up back in the hospital. Your daddy is bringing me a smoothie home. I hope I can keep that down. So far, this anti nausea medicine seems to be helping. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. My ass, really, really hurts. Like really. That nurse stuck me today like I’ve never been stuck before! I think I even yelped.

2 weeks is absurd. Guess I should have been checked into the looney bin, long ago.

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This is from my Dr. Jo. How absolutely cruel. What is wrong with these so called, “doctors?” I wonder if any of them, have ever lost a child. Medication is NOT the answer to any of this. There is no pill for grief.

 

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-death-of-sadness-birth-of-mental.html

Grief, Pregnancy, and what else?? I don’t know, I forgot.

Ronan. Today seemed like a really, really long day. The days without you never fly by anymore. They still seem to be never-ending. Today, seemed extra long for some reason. Looking back I cannot even remember what I did, but as I sit here and think about it, I know. I missed you with every single step I took just like I always do. I had to go to Target, to stock up on some things. I was in the middle of grabbing some stuff and I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, “Today feels like a really hard day for some reason. You should go back home and go to bed for the whole day.” I finished up my Target trip and told myself to power through the day and just get some things done. It was one of those days where I had to have multiple pep talks with myself. I got home and was determined to get some things done that I have been avoiding. One of them being getting rid of the hand me down clothes that I have been saving forever for you, from your brothers. I went through about 7 bins that we have in our garage. I wanted to throw up. What do you mean Ronan won’t get to wear those Nike shoes now or those little John Deere cowboy boots I saved for him? What do you mean I don’t get to pass down your brothers things for you? That wasn’t part of our “plan.” I had a very specific plan in store for our family and never did it consist of you getting cancer and dying. How the fuck did this happen? I don’t care how real this is, I will never get used to it.

I packed up your brothers clothes. I think I called your daddy on my way to the consignment store. I told him what I was doing. Or at least I tried to tell him, but I could barely get the words out without choking my tears back. He told me to wait that he would do it. I was on a mission and just wanted to get it done. I got to my destination. This was me, walking in. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” I dropped off your brothers clothes and got out of there, as fast as I could. I don’t remember what happened the rest of the day. Everything is a blur as this little event happened earlier in the week. I’m still dealing with the if I don’t write things down, soon after they happen, I usually won’t remember them. I sometimes think my cloudy grief brain is never going to get better. I’ve been called flaky now by others. I don’t mean to be. But if I don’t have it written down, or a reminder from someone…. I tend to forget a lot of things. I wasn’t this way before all of this. This is a part of the new me. I don’t like it, but I also don’t have much control over it.

I went to see Marie Tillman speak the other night. She is the widow of Pat Tillman. One of our hero’s in our house. Remember Ro, how we used to call you our mini Pat Tillman? Your daddy and I used to always talk about how we thought you were going to grow up to be just like him. Unbelievably beautiful. Freakishly coordinated. Fearless. With the best heart. I used to tell you bedtime stories about him. We used to do the Pat’s Run every single year and I would happily push you in your jogging stroller while I ran the race. I was excited to go out for the night with Stacy to listen to Marie talk about her life and the book she has written. After she was done speaking, I had the chance to talk with her a little bit. We talked about you, Pat, and this bitch of a thing called grief. She said something to me like, “Everyone expects you to get better over time, and I don’t think that’s true. I told her that I couldn’t agree more. That unfortunately, grief does not seem to have an expiration date. It is such a misconception that time heals all wounds. If anything, I think it makes the pain worse. Deeper in a way. I think I miss you more today, then I ever have. I think I will go on missing you more and more everyday as time passes on by.

I think I have kind of been hiding out a lot. Grief and pregnancy do not go hand in hand together and they are not my friend. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this Poppy sister of yours. She’s starting to kick a lot which is helping to make me realize that she really is growing in my stomach, otherwise I think I might forget. I was with Fernanda today, telling her about how I cannot even go into a clothing store without wanting to scream and run the other way. In my mind, I was thinking this was a more of a what’s wrong with me thing? What is so wrong with me that I cannot even pick out some sweet little clothes for your baby sister? Fernanda put it to me in a way that only she could do. It’s not a what’s wrong with me thing. It’s a because “you know that material items such as clothes in a fancy store, are not what matters. They won’t make you happy. It’s just stuff and you know the worthlessness of that stuff.” I think she hit the nail on the head. All the stuff at the end the day, doesn’t matter at all. So maybe, this is what my road block is all about. Poppy has to be clothed, but Fernanda told me not to worry about that as it will be taken care of. If I had my way, she’d just be a nudey baby forever I guess. I was told also not to worry about her nursery. That she will pick out all the furniture, how it looks, etc…. Of course I trust her with all of this. I am just so thankful that I don’t have to think about any of it as it all seems so overwhelming. I am so thankful for my amazing magical friend who can fix any situation and instantly make me feel better about it. Well, almost any situation. I know she wishes so badly that she could have fixed your situation but I’ll never forget how hard she tried. She tried just as hard as your daddy and I did. I’ll never forget that.

This is all for tonight little man. I’m tired. But restless. You are still waking me up every single night at 3:25 a.m. It’s been this way, since you left. I know it’s you, trying to get to me. I know it’s as hard for you, to be away from me. I’m so sorry about all of this. I wish so badly I could bring you back. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.

xoxo

Sometimes even I need a reality check

Ronan. I woke up yesterday morning with a Halloween grief hangover. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I was determined to not stay in bed all day, like every aching bone in my body was begging me to do. I had to talk myself out of doing this and it took a lot but I wasn’t about to give into my grief and let it chain me to my bed all day long. I got ready for the day instead and headed over to my office. Thank god for that place. It is helping me so much. I pounded out a few things that I needed to get done. I had an interview at 1:00 that I so did not feel up for, but the person interviewing me was coming to my office so I told myself just to stick it out and I would go home and crawl into bed, after it was over. Little did I know, that this 22-year-old kid was about to make my day.

I never know what to expect when doing these interviews. They can be emotionally draining most of the time and quite honestly, I don’t love doing them. I would rather just hide behind my computer all day wearing my spirit hood, glasses and pajamas. But I also know that I am very lucky to have the opportunity to get your story out there in a way that will raise awareness for childhood cancer. I know this comes with the territory and is a part of me being an advocate for you and all of these other kids who have been dealt this shitty hand in life. They don’t have a voice. I do. I will use it and scream for you and them as loudly as I can. I will use this platform to do great things and hopefully help change this devastating world. As soon as Tyler walked into the room, I knew I was going to love him. He was so nervous and I could totally tell. He sat down and told me a little about himself and why this story struck such a nerve with him. He had me at hello and the fact that he was wearing a skull shirt, made my day. “Tyler! You have on a skull shirt, I have on a skull necklace! You could be my 22-year-old soul mate!” I tried to put him at ease as much as I could. He had his notebook full of questions and it was so refreshing to see that he had really done his research on my blog and all things you. That made me like him right away and automatically made me respect him right from the get go. It was so refreshing to see he was serious about us, our story, and helping to get our message out there. Our interview went on for about 2 hours. We had a good little thing going back and forth. I was so impressed by him at one point I thought, “I hope Liam and Quinn turn out to be like this kid. His parents must be so proud of who he is and all he stands for.” I told him being interviewed by him was one of the greatest interviews I’ve done yet and I truly meant it. I know he is going to do a great job on our story and I can’t wait to see what he does with it. He left me by saying, “Please don’t go home and throw up because this was so hard.” I told him that in no way did I feel sick and the interview was actually really great. I gave him a big hug and told him thank you. I felt like I had just spent the afternoon with my little brother. It was a great afternoon for once and I left feeling totally inspired by the youth of today. Mark my words, that young soul will help change this world in one way or another.

I left shortly after Tyler left. I ran home to do some things. There was a support group going on at the MISS foundation and Dr. JoRo was leading it. As much as I hate support groups, because to me they are so painfully hard, I dragged my butt down there to attend. I’ve only been to one before and it was so awful that I refused to go back. I sucked it up last night for a couple of different reasons and I have desperately been missing Dr. Jo, so I knew that seeing her would be great. My favorite mom’s were there. The mom’s of a baby boy named Noah. I was so happy to see them and was able to spend some time with them. I adore everything about those two except for the fact that they have a dead child, just like me. I got settled into group and we all went around and told a little bit about ourselves and our kids. I felt vulnerable, sad, and scared sitting in that group. I know everyone in the room is there for the same reason so it should feel safe to me, but to me it just feels like the saddest place on earth. Every single person in that room, has a dead child. It is always a wake up call to me, as if I need anymore wake up calls in life. But it honesty is like a slap in the face. I sat and listened to the horrific stories of everyone else. The drowning, the car accidents, the ecstasy story, the stillbirths, the mental illness, the sudden death at school, etc….. Newsflash! Cancer is not the only way kids die. I know this. It made me want to run home and lock Liam and Quinn up forever and beg them to never touch a drug in their life, not drive a car, or leave the house. You think you are immune to your kids dying? You think you are too perfect of a family, for this to happen to? You are not. Nobody is. I think the sooner we as a world start to realize this, maybe we will take less things for granted. Maybe we will enjoy every single split second with our kids because nobody can say when our time is up. Maybe parents will start understanding that being a parent is a privilege, not a right. No matter how much money you have or how protected you think you are. Sitting in that room last night is the most humbling place in the world. Even I myself, need a reality check once in a while to be reminded that I am not the only one hurting this badly. That is why the MISS Foundation is such an important place in the world. Without it I can guarantee you about half of the parents in that room tonight, would have ended their lives. I know I would have. Dr. Jo is part of the reason that I am still here. If you don’t know about the MISS Foundation, please check it out. They have such little funding and need it so badly. It is such a safe haven for all of us parents going through the worst thing possible and Dr. Jo is my absolute idol in life. She is one of the rarest most beautiful souls that I have ever known. http://www.missfoundation.org/

After group ended, Dr. Jo came up to check on me. She knew I was a wreck. She looked at me and said, “How was that for you?” I said, “So Poppy is going to be born dead, right?” I was so shaken up by the still birthing stories. She just looked at me with that wise motherly look in her eyes. “I knew you were going to say that. I know that was hard for you to listen to. Poppy is going to be fine. She has Ronan looking out for her.” I keep telling myself I have to trust in that. I know that Ro. I tell myself that about 100 times a day. I left group beat and exhausted. I came home and crashed out until early morning. I woke up, showered and went to wake up your brothers. Liam was burning up. I put him in a luke warm shower and told Quinn to get ready for school. I had a lot to do today, but canceled it so I could stay home and take care of Liam. He was so sweet and so thankful for everything. I ended up taking him to the doctor to rule out strep because that has been going around. His strep test came back negative and his fever is almost gone. He does look miserable though, so he spent the day resting while I spent the day being domestic around the house. I hate being at home doing all the same things I used to do. Today, I forced myself to cook all day long so Quinn would have a nice meal to come home to after school. Cooking used to be our thing and now it’s just so hard for me to cook without you. Doing anything around the house is hard for me now. I don’t have your clothes to wash, your breakfast to cook, your dishes to do. Not having all of those things to do for you makes doing them sting so badly. Today, I took the day, set myself aside and did things that I knew your brothers would be thankful for. I was right. Quinn must have told me about 10 times tonight, “Thanks for the homemade soup, Mom. It was really good.” This broke my heart in a million pieces. It made me realize that I need to work a little harder around here doing the things I used to do, every single night, such as cooking really great homemade meals. I think the every night thing might be pushing it, but a few nights a week, can be a start. You know why cooking is the most hard for me? It’s because dinner time, with a homemade cooked meal means we have to sit around the dinner table without you. I don’t think that will ever become an easy thing. I often find myself getting anxious and sick to my stomach. Quinn sits in your chair now. I’m just glad someone is sitting there, I guess. He is a good little seat filler.

Your brothers have their last basketball game of the league tomorrow. I hope Liam is feeling well enough to play in it. I’ve made him rest all day and I fed him a good dinner tonight. Hopefully, I can get him to go to bed early to get the rest that he needs. I’m tired too. An early bedtime sounds like a good idea for both of us. G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

“From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby…”

Ronan. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Women’s Center of Arizona. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, “You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right?” I told her I wasn’t aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. I am further along than that, but not much. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. if everybody came back in the room with me. The sweet lady told me it was. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. My heart started pounding. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. The lady started measuring some things. Mandy chirped up, “Can you tell the sex of the baby today?” The technician told her she indeed could. She asked me if I would like to know. I said, “Sure!” Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. She put the little wand over my belly. I felt myself panic. Oh god. Ronan really wanted a girl. Please. I really wanted a girl. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. The picture came on the screen. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. “From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl.” “Really? Are you sure?” The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I could not believe my ears. I started bawling, tears falling everywhere. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. It was no use. Mascara and snot everywhere. I don’t think I have stopped crying, the entire day. Quinn was over the moon. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. So typical. So funny. I tried to call your daddy. He didn’t answer. I had Quinn call your Nana. She thought we were all lying to her. No way could it really be a girl.

I finally got your daddy on the phone. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldn’t tell him. “Guess what?” I said, tears still falling everywhere. Your daddy never knows what he’s going to get with me. It could have been everything from “I’m leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog.” I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, “We’re having a baby girl.” He was so happy. He said he knew it. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Fernanda. Stacy. Becca. Macy. Liz. Dr. Jo. Melissa. Gay. Tricia. Danielle. Marisa. Carolyn. Charisma. Kass. Rach. Robyn. Rissy Girl. Katie. Meg. Our Fairy RoMo. It is her birthday today. Can you believe that shit?! I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Talk about another huge sign! There was one person I had not told yet. Your Sparkly. He is the last person I told today. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I sent him a text. “Where are you?” He responded with “In a meeting. Are you o.k.?” I said I was o.k. That I needed to see him today. “I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Come to my office.” I met him there. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. I didn’t see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. He sat down. I told him to hang on, that if I didn’t send this email, I would forget to do it.” He sat. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. He laughed at that. “What’s going on? You look pretty today. You know what the baby is, don’t you.” I smiled. “Yup. It’s a baby girl.” I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. “I knew you were having a baby girl. I told you that. Ahhhh! You with a baby girl. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. You two are going to be something else.” I laughed and talked about you a little bit. How much you wanted a baby sister. I am still trying to absorb this all. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. “You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. She is so lucky to have you.” He responded back with a simple, “I will.” I said, “I know. Thank you.”

The rest of my day, played out in a way that I don’t think I can take much more. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. I, of course went to, “Oh fuck. It’s got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately.” I texted her back, “Is it good news or bad news?” I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. She responded with, “It might just be the BEST news ever.” I called her. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. I was wrong. Tears all over. As of now, I can’t talk about our news. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am overwhelmed. I am floored. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. You are making so many amazing things happen. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernanda’s house. I told her the Carolyn news. She could not believe it. A baby girl and now this?! She looked at me and said, “How are you not so overwhelmed?! Aye! Maya! You know this is all Ronan. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. with that. Because that would have been totally acceptable! But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening.!” I started to cry. I said I knew. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldn’t do that. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. All of my friends are. I am so lucky to have them all. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. They didn’t judge me. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didn’t talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. This is why they are still in my life. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. For that, I will forever be so thankful. For that, they will forever be my sisters. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Thank you, Ronan. I so badly wish you were here. More than anything. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Please make her extra extra spicy.

Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Today, my tears were more happy. I’m soaking that up, because it doesn’t happen often. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. I know you will.

xoxo

Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. Poppy is so lucky. We all are. I love you.

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Oh, Hey Cancer! Fuck you! Seems like an appropriate title tonight.

Ronan. Your daddy left for Vegas. This means I get to hold down the fort while he is away. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem in the pre Ronan is not dead days. Now, doing things like keeping your brothers entertained on their fall break, solo, is hard fucking work. Don’t get me wrong, they are easy boys. And if you were here, I have no doubt we would be off doing things like going to the Pumpkin Patch, shopping for Halloween costumes, and having lots of adventures. You know what is right around the corner. Your most favorite holiday. Halloween. It used to be my favorite holiday, too. Now it just makes me extremely sad. Last year, I dressed up like a dead zombie because that is how I felt. This year, I’m not feeling like doing anything except burying myself in a big hole in our backyard. I have not carved pumpkins with your brothers yet, or gotten their Halloween costumes. We have been talking about what they want to be. Of course I always wonder what you would have been. In my mind, you would have been a different Star Wars character every year for the rest of your life. I don’t think you would have grown out of your Star Wars phase just quite yet.

Today, Liam and Quinn’s fall break consisted of therapy. It was Liam’s day to be with Dr. Rachel. It’s been a while since he has seen her. I went in and talked to her before hand. I told her that I have been having to talk about your last days a lot, with everything that I have been doing. I told her I was worried because we had not really talked about it in depth with your brothers. We agreed that she would dig deep today, without pushing Liam too much. I waited in the waiting room with Quinn. My mind was racing and of course my heart was breaking thinking of the conversation that was taking place in the next room. What a great way to spend fall break, huh. Liam came out after an hour, his little eyes all red. I got up and left him out in the waiting room with Quinn while I went to talk to Dr. Rachel about how the session went. I listened to her tell me how Liam talked very openly about the sadness he feels over losing you. How during the time when you were dying he told himself to be a good brother, to be brave, to be strong, and how he wanted to be somewhere else. He told Dr. Rachel he told you the same things. He cried a lot when talking about all of those things. She told me he has a higher emotional intelligence than most kids his age. How well he was able to verbalize everything that he was feeling. I wiped away my tears while listening to this. I felt like punching the wall and screaming, “WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!! TO THE BEST BIG BROTHERS IN THE WORLD?!!!” I got up and told Dr. Rachel thank you. We decided that it was best for now to let Liam talk about these things in his safe space with Dr. Rachel. I asked Liam in the car if he wanted to talk about anything. He told me he did not, so I left it at that. I am just thankful that he is opening up to someone.

I picked up a friend of your brothers so we could have a play date. I took them over to The Village to play basketball, football and swim. I was sitting outside, under the shade of course with my dark sunglasses on because I have developed an allergy to the sun called, “I fucking hate you.” I was watching your brothers and their friend swim. I was trying not to get too sad that there were 3 boys in the pool and one of them wasn’t you. Just as I was sitting there, a little hummingbird came flying right up to my face. It stayed there for a few seconds. I smiled. I thought of you of course because little hummingbirds don’t happen often in my life, but when they do it is always when something really important or sad has happened and I need a little sign that you are around. 3 minutes later, my Twitter alert went off. Somebody had tweeted me that our friend, Super Ty had passed away. My stomach dropped to the floor. I sat there for a few minutes. I didn’t cry right away. I thought about the hummingbird and how that was your way of telling me you were going to take care of Ty now. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched your brothers laugh, splash and play. I sent your Sparkly a text about Ty because he knows how he was our roommate at Sloan. I told him that he had passed away and how cruel life was. I told him about the hummingbird too and how I knew it was a sign from you and how you would now watch over Ty forever. He told me that he knew that you would, too. My tears didn’t stop for a few minutes. I’m so sorry to Ty’s mama, daddy, little brother and to all who knew and loved him. I’m so sorry to Ty. Will this cruel world ever get better, Ronan? How many kids is it going to take, before people start paying attention to the point where everyone finally says, enough is enough? When is this sick cycle of kids dying over and over and over from cancer going to end? When are people going to stop looking away because it can’t happen to their child, right? I know I am making a lot of headway with everything we are doing, but some days I feel like how long is this going to fucking take? And what is it going to take for everyone to wake up and join in this fight with me? Am I going to have to organize a freaking protest or something? When will our government really step up to the plate and what can I do to make this happen? Somebody get me on the phone with Obama. Seriously. Too many parents are losing kids. Too many kids that are still here, will suffer for the rest of their lives. They deserve to stop being overlooked. They deserve better treatments and options. I don’t want another mom to have to sit down with their other children and let them look at the ashes of their dead brothers body. I am beyond heartbroken and if things continue to stay this way, I just don’t know what I will do. Really, how hard do I have to fight? I feel as though it is all I am doing, 24 hours a day. Will things ever get better? If my post seems hopeless tonight, it’s just because I am so very sad over Ty, Ronan. I hope you two are both playing together in your super hero capes. Take good care of him sweet boy. It shouldn’t be this way.

I’m going to end this here. Your brothers had a good day. I tried my best but as always I carry so much sadness around in everything I do. I miss you so much. G’nite Ro baby. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Hey Cancer. Fuck you.

Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well.  I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

My dream doesn’t scare me because my dream is you.

I have a dream. A really, really, really, big dream. I’ve been sitting on this dream for a while, trying to figure out when the right time to announce it would be. I’ve been talking to a handful of people about this dream, but for the most part it’s been kept pretty hush-hush. This is one of the reasons, I’ve been so busy Ronan. I’ve been meeting with so many people for months now. Taking so many trips, having so many meetings, phone calls, and lunches. I’ve been chasing this dream of mine, trying to figure out how I can make it a reality. It all came one night, so clearly, out of the blue. Your daddy and I had been to dinner with some friends of ours. It was a magical dinner where we talked a lot about you and how things are just not changing for this disease. It was a dinner filled with, we know we can change things, we feel the power Ronan has to change this, we know our little boy would want us to do something really huge and big, to impact this world in such a big way. We both left the dinner knowing what needed to be done.

The car ride was quiet on the way home. I was trying to wrap my head around the epiphany that I had just had. I was in our bedroom and your daddy looked at me and said, “Let’s build a World Class Neuroblastoma Research/Care Center.” I couldn’t believe my ears. He took the words right out of my mouth. It was one of those moments where you know with every bone in your body, that you are married to your absolute soul mate in life. I teared up and said, “Let’s build World class Neuroblastoma Research/Care Center.” I had no clue how we were going to do it, but I knew that this was our new secret mission and we were going to figure out how to make this happen.

We started talking about ideas. It needs this, this, and this. Who can help us? I reached out to a small group of people. I was fully prepared for the, “This idea is too crazy and big… what in the world are you doing?” I got a lot of those, but they also came with sides of, “If anyone can do this, it’s you and Ronan.” I have been working non-stop on this for a good 8-months now, trying to put all the pieces together like a puzzle. They have slowly been coming together. I have a list. A very big list. I have a vision and a dream of how this center will look. To me, it is so beautiful and safe. I want to create a safe community for these families, where they don’t feel as if they are just another number. Where they know that they matter and they know they have the best doctors/child-life specialist/volunteers/nurses taking care of them. Where they know they are NOT alone. Where they have someone to hold their hand, all the way through this, even if the worst possible outcome happens and a child dies. They will NOT be thrown out into the street like garbage, never to be checked on again. I have a crazy list of crazy things that will be necessities for the care center part of this. A yoga studio! A go beat the shit out of a punching bag area! A quiet area. A movie theatre! A chapel. A theater where kids can put on plays and perform! An Art area! A kick ass play area! A garden! A music room! My list could go on and on. I WILL give these kids the childhood they are being robbed of. I will give them the life they deserve to live, but are having to live it while fighting cancer. I know I can make this world better Ronan. I know I can. I know you can, too.

This is all I have been doing/thinking about. I presented it to my board a few months ago. I think saw their heads start to spin. I quietly told them that I wanted this to be our new mission and although I didn’t know how we were going to get it done, we were going to get it done. I was told by a Master Yoda of mine, to wait to throw this out into the world. How the timing had to be just right. I had dinner with my Master Yoda a couple of weekends ago. I looked at him after our dinner and said, “How will I know when the time is right, to put this out there?” He just looked at me and said, “Maya, you will know.” I left that dinner telling myself to just trust in myself, you, this universe and when the time was right, I would know.

The time is right now. I know this because of the ways the stars have aligned and the way divine intervention is taking place. I know this is all because of you. I am ready to put this out there. I know what it is, we are going to do. I am going to create the best world possible for a child and a family diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, to be taken care of. I can take the pain of losing you, Ronan, and turn it into something beautiful. For a long time, I didn’t think I was going to be able to do this. For a long time, I was so scared this pain was going to destroy me and everything I had. It was only after the idea of this center came to me, that I figured out how I could survive this. It is by being able to help others in such a way that only a mother who has experienced such a devastating loss, can do so. I can do this in a way that is so different from others. I can take all of my pain and magically spin it into beauty because of the love that I know from you. I made you a big promise when you died. You left me here, knowing I was not going to do something small. I have always known the things that I do for you, are going be huge. I have always known you would lead me to where it is I needed to go. I have always trusted in you to map out this path for me. This is what we were meant to do. This is what we are going to do. This dream doesn’t even scare me, because I know I have you behind me and you won’t let me fail.

I know how hard this is going to be, but it cannot possibly be as hard as living my life without you. If I can do that, I can do anything.

I sent out an email asking my board if they were o.k. with me announcing our new little mission. Their responses left me with tears pouring down my cheeks. One of my board members responded back with, “Just Do It!,” (taken from Nike). Then she wrote back and said, “Or as my dad says, JFDI!” (just fucking do it!) I was crying and laughing all at the same time. I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH! I love that they are so behind this! It means everything to me. I had Tricia tell me not long ago that she hadn’t seen me so excited about something, in such a very long time, as I was about this. She told me she knew this was going to happen just due to seeing my passion, excitement, and fire behind it. I loved hearing that from her. I am glad people can still see that in me. It takes a lot to bring it out.

You know those days I disappear, and I don’t write? It’s not because I have dug myself into a hole and I am hiding. It’s because in between grieving, being a wife, mama, trying to be a friend again, trying to find myself a little bit again, I’ve been working on this with everything I have. This is what I want to do for you. This is now, my ultimate goal, besides a cure for the thing that killed you and took you away from me. I will fight until I die, with everything I have, for the rest of my life for this and for you and the other kids who deserve better. I am not going to slink away or disappear. This is my life mission. This is what I was meant to do. I will fix this, Ronan. I promise.

I love you baby doll. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe. Thank you for guiding me in everything I do.

xoxo

P.S. Dear loviest of lovelies,

I hope you know how much I appreciate all your love and support. I hope you know how much I appreciate you sticking by me through all of this because you knew with all of your hearts Ronan was going to do something amazing. This to me seems pretty amazing. This is why I am so thankful, for every dollar you have sent our way. Every penny counts. Especially now. You humble me. You make me want to shoot for the stars. You give me strength and keep me going, on the darkest of days. Thank you so much for loving me in a way that I never knew strangers could love someone. Thank you for loving my little boy so much that it makes you want to be better people. I love that so much. I know this is a big job, but I also know my Master Yoda was right. If anyone can do this, it’s us. I also know that I could not do any of this without all of you. I will forever be grateful for you all. I love you.

Also, please watch Stand Up 2 Cancer tomorrow night. It’s the one night of the year, where we can all stand up together. They are a great organization, doing amazing things.Things have to change and it’s a very powerful show with a very special message for anyone who has been touched by cancer. Thank you.

Secret Bad-Ass 1 a.m. Cancer Fighters… (says Rita)

Ronan. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. How could I with all that is going on? I didn’t sleep last night and I spent all day today, running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. No time for sleep when too many things are happening. But for once, it’s all good things. As in things that I know you are behind as I am feeling you everywhere. This could only be you, working so hard to help me with everything I want to do in this childhood cancer world.

I took your brothers to Dr. Rachel yesterday. It was the first time Liam has seen her. It’s Quinn that I have been having go. I left Liam with Dr. Rachel for a half and hour session. As soon as she opened the door, I saw the look on her face and my heart dropped to the floor. She mouthed the words, “OhMYGod,” to me. I went in to sit with Liam and her to talk about what it is, that took place. She said that Liam has so many feelings about you, that he doesn’t know how to talk about or how to let out. She said he cried a lot and needed a lot of hugs. This as a mom, killed me. It made me feel like the biggest failure. Liam snuggled up to me and let me hold him while he just cried. I kissed his head and told him how proud I was of him for talking about everything. He then left the room so I  could talk to Dr. Rachel alone about what went on. She said she could not believe how fast he opened up to her and how he just let out all of his sadness. I told her how I can see him holding it in, but how I cannot get him to let it out with me. She talked about how he needs a safe place to come, to talk about things and how next time she would like a whole hour with him. I totally agreed. That lady, has a gift with your brothers. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen them both open up so quickly to a stranger. I am so glad we found her and she is a great fit for your brothers. I think this therapy is going to help them so much. I can’t have them keeping this all inside. They need to talk about everything with an outsider who can help them navigate this, in a way that your dad and I cannot.

It’s so late. I honestly have the best friends in the world who love you so much. Who gives up a Friday Night to sit at our kitchen table for 6 hours to work on foundation things with me because we have so much to do? My friends who love you so much. Melissa sat in your seat tonight, at the dinner table. I was so glad to have her there. You have only brought the most beautiful people to us, Ronan. I am amazed every single day at the people you are surrounding us with. It’s such a powerful thing to watch.

It was Ezra’s birthday today. Or now, yesterday I guess. I called his mom to make sure she was o.k. Of course she was not. I let her cry on the phone to me and I cried with her. I then pulled it together to tell her how amazing she is and how she needs to stop being so hard on herself. She sounds like someone else I know. Robyn, I love you with all of my heart. I PROMISE you, together, we will fix this disease for these kids and families. I swear to you with everything that I have left that childhood cancer is going to change. We are going to help to save so many lives with our hearts, dreams, and minds, with all of Ronan and Ezra, guiding us every step of the way. I’m sorry today was so hard. I wish I could have been with you. But I am so proud of you for still dancing at the end of the day, after all you dealt with today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and dream of your baby boy.

This is all I can write tonight. Poppy! (insert british accent here) is growing like crazy. I cannot believe I have a little one inside of me, growing away. I still don’t believe it’s real. Tonight, I don’t believe a lot of things are real as too much has happened. I woke up and pinched myself. And for the first time since losing you, it was because of all the good things that are happening. Not because of the bad.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. You are my best friend forever.

P.S. To my loveliest of loves tonight. Thank you for sitting with me for 6 freaking hours on a Friday Night. I am so thankful for you in the most beautiful ways. I could not dream up better friends.

xoxo