Tag: boys

Mama and Ro baby take NYC <3

Ronan and I arrived to NYC yesterday morning 5:30 East Coast Time. The flight was great, fast and Ro slept the entire time. We headed to our hotel, checked in, and we were in our room by 6:30 a.m. Ronan was chipper and ready to play, but I told him how it was really only 4:30 in the morning at home so we needed to rest before our big day. He didn’t put up much of a fight, crawled in bed with me and we slept a couple of hours. You’d think I’d be a zombie tonight but I’m not. Must be that NYC energy. We woke up, got ready and headed over to Sloan Kettering. As soon as we arrived to the 9th floor it was party central. They were having a parade for Marti Gras. Ronan loved watching all the action. We spent the next 4 hours having labs drawn, getting his MIBG scan injection, and had an Echo test done on his heart. It was a very long day but we killed a lot of time by playing in the playroom and doing arts and crafts. As much as this sucks, today I found myself having the time of my life with Ronan. I feel so lucky to be able to spend so much time with him. I cherish every second I have with him so much. As the day was ending, we went to finish our last thing which was the Echo test. An adorable girl named Penny took us back into her room and I laid down on the bed with Ronan so he could rest on top of me while she did her thing. The test is really simple and was done in about 20 minutes. Ronan ended up falling asleep on me so I sat and watched Ronan’s little heart on the screen as it pitter pattered away. Penny kept telling me how beautiful and healthy it looked. As soon as Ronan’s little heart started beating away and we could hear it, I completely lost it. I told Penny I was sorry that I couldn’t stop crying and she smiled sweetly and told me that it was totally o.k. I explained to her that hearing his heart beat like that reminded me of when I first heard his heartbeat on an ultrasound. I will never forget what it felt like to hear his heart for the first time and now this. Who would have thought in a million years that I would be listening to Ronan’s heart on a monitor again due to cancer. So. Freaking. Unfair.

After the Echo test we scooted out of Sloan quickly to go back to our hotel and meet one of Auntie Karen’s best friends for dinner. We met Krista at Serendipity and it was such a treat. I’ve heard about her forever and it was so lovely to finally meet her. We had a nice dinner and Ronan and I shared the to die for Frozen Hot Chocolate. He was beyond tired from his day and ended up falling asleep in my lap. Krista and I had a chance to finally get to know each other and I can see why Auntie Karen loves her so much. She was a delight:) Just as we were leaving, Ronan woke up not a happy camper. We were going to take him to Dylan’s Candy Shop, but I decided that we’d better just head back to our room. Krista got us a cab and sent us on our way. We came back here and  talked to Woody, Liam, and Quinn via Face Time on our Macs. Ronan got a big kick out of that. The rest of the night was spent just hanging out and playing. Ronan finally fell asleep a while ago and he has no idea what we have in store for tomorrow. I have yet to tell him that he has to get his MIBG scan. UGH. He is going to be beyond mad that, 1) he has to get his sleepy medicine and 2) that Dr. Maze is not the one giving it to him. I did not want to tell him any of this today because I know he will sit and obsess over it. I’m not telling him anything until right before we go back so they can put him under. I am nervous for this MIBG scan even though we just had one not too long ago. Ronan has been complaining of his right arm hurting for a few days now. I had one of the doctors look at it today and we cannot see any bruising or swelling. So, of course my mind goes to the worst place possible which is something I’m not going to even say out loud. We will know by tomorrow if anything new is going on. I am sick to my stomach tonight. Ronan has also been complaining of his right leg hurting and I have pretty much been carrying him everywhere. I noticed him limping tonight. This has been going on for a while now and has been something we have just been watching closely. As I said before, if anything is going on, we will know by tomorrow. Pray that it is not. I’m thinking positive and just keep telling myself it is his bone marrow healing or growing pains. Please let it be one of those things.

As of now, our plan is to stay here until Thursday or Friday. We will then return around March 20th and that will begin our 5 week long stay. Woody will be coming out with me during that time for a while, thank god. It is really hard to be here without him. He is such a big help to me when he is here. We both really miss him this trip. It’s hard to be a single mom, in a different city, when your kid has cancer. It’s hard but I am strong and know I can do it. New York is going to be the best adventure yet.

That’s all for tonight. Sleepiness is starting to kick in. Let’s just hope it lasts. I am tired of waking up every night at 3 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep. I call it the witching hour around here. G’night, sweet dreams, and lots of prayers for our Ro baby tomorrow. Love to you all!

xoxo

Ro baby takes Philidelphia and New York City

I am so happy to tell you tonight that I haven’t updated things in a few days due to a very busy, but fun weekend. It’s the first time that I can remember since before Ronan was diagnosed with cancer, that things around here felt very normal. We spent the weekend hanging out at home, enjoying family time. Woody and I snuck out for a date on Saturday night while Auntie Karen and Olivia watched the boys.’ We had an amazing dinner at Tarbell’s even though I ended up crying a bit in the middle of a conversation between Woody and myself. I tried my hardest to just be a normal couple on a Saturday night…. but the harder I try, the harder things become. We will never be that normal couple again. It’s just not in the cards for us anymore. Everything has changed; nothing is the same.  Not even a Saturday night date will be like the old days. Maybe it is for the better…. because I am so much more aware of the reality of the world around me. But it still stings. I now sit in restaurants and watch the people around me and wonder if they have the sadness in their lives that I do, but in a different form. Or maybe they are lucky enough to be blissfully happy. I know that the world is full of sadness, but as I sat at dinner with Woody, the feeling of complete aloneness washed over me. I sat and thought things like, I bet their baby doesn’t have cancer, or I bet their Grandbabies are totally healthy….Then the guilt washes over me for having these thoughts…. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I was once blissfully happy but also blinded by ignorance. Now, I truly know the meaning of ignorance is bliss. What a bullshit way to find that out.

On Sunday I met Fernanda at Hava Java for some coffee. I love that when I was on the phone with Tricia right before Fernanda picked me up and I told Trish how I was going for coffee, Trish goes, “What part of the world is Fernanda saving today?” So adorable. I told her she was saving me:) We sat and had our coffee and she helped me write down all of my questions for the doctors at Chop. We talked about my upcoming week, but the thing I enjoyed most was listening to my new friend talk about the things in her world. Her kids, her funny family stories, the things she’s done in her life. One of the biggest gifts of all of this has been getting to know this beautiful woman. Through this crises, comes the gift of her. I will be thankful for the rest of my life for all the beauty that has shown it’s colors during the darkest time. Fernanda is one of the most colorful things that I have ever seen in my life. I so need color now. This black and white stuff is getting a bit dull and scary. Life is not black and white, Ronan is not black and white, and I wish the doctors in this world would start thinking this way too. I’m about to take all the crayons out of Ronan’s Crayola box and scribble up and down all of their stupid papers and statistics. They do not know my Ro baby.

Woody and I also spent the weekend figuring out our plan for the week. Since Ronan’s ANC counts don’t seem to be dropping and he looks great, we decided to take him out to Philadelphia to Chop. Ro and I are flying out tomorrow morning on a Corporate Angels flight. Woody has a court appearance he cannot miss, so he will be flying out tomorrow late afternoon. We are meeting Dr. Mosse on Wednesday to go over our list of questions with her and to just get another opinion and feel for the place. We decided since we were going to be in Philly, that on Wednesday we would take the train to New York and meet with Dr. Kusher at Sloan Kettering on Thursday. We will fly home Thursday night. It’s going to be a whirlwind of a trip, but one that we both feel is necessary. We have to be prepared as much as possible for what we have ahead of us. Arming ourselves with as much knowledge as possible will only help us decide on what path to take for Ronan. I think we both know in our hearts; but we are keeping our minds as open as possible.

Today, Ronan and I headed to the clinic to have his levels checked. Dr. Eshun thought he looked great and saw no need to transfuse him. Ronan was so excited about not having to get blood, he practically skipped out of the clinic office and to our car. We went home and played out in our backyard and got everything ready for our trip. Liam and Quinn came home soon after and their cousins, Luke and Lily came over to play for a couple of hours. It’s always a treat to have them spend time with us. Ronan especially loves it. It was a good way to get him ready for his upcoming travels. He is a little sad about having to leave Liam and Quinn behind once again. He’s not the only one. I wish they could come on these trips with us but I understand how important stability is in their lives right now. I also understand how important it is to be able to just focus on Ronan, the doctors and get the job done. I cannot wait to get back home to them already though. So glad we will have the weekend together. Ronan is set to start his 8th cycle of Chemo March 14th. Hopefully we will stay hospital free until then. It would be so nice to continue to be at home. There is no place he would rather be.

Woody said to me tonight, “Aren’t these supposed to be the happiest times of our lives?” How do you even respond to that?? I just nodded my head and gave him the best smile I could, which wasn’t much. Fucking cancer. Thanks for robbing all of us of this precious time in life. I HATE YOU.

Hope you all have been well. Wishing you a night full of sweet dreams. Happy Birthday to my Little M today too. I hope you go my message and are having a wonderful time in NYC. I miss you so much and can’t wait to celebrate you when we both get back from our trip and things settle down as much as possible. I love you, Marisa ❤

Safe travels for us tomorrow! It’s going to be a very busy next few days!! G’nite friends!!

xoxo


A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I’m tired I should not have let you go

Ooooooooooooooooo

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

Magic Medicine, Day 4 and Day 5…. Round 7

What a beautiful, rainy day. My favorite kind of days. Being from the Pacific Northwest, I miss days like this so much. Ronan woke up happy as a clam, excited to know he was going home later this afternoon. We played in his bed for a little bit and then we went down to the cafeteria so I could get him his slurpee mix to put his oral chemo in. We came back to our room and talked to the nurse about discharge time and specific instructions as far as being back at the clinic tomorrow for the last day of cycle 7. Dr. Maze came up and sat with us for a while, played with Ronan, and we talked about the upcoming trips we are taking with Ronan to visit a couple of other hospitals. I had no idea, but his brother is the head of Anesthesiology at UCSF where we will be visiting on Wednesday. He sent him a message to let him know we were coming to the hospital to meet with Dr. Matthay. Ronan is excited to go to San Francisco and we have turned it into something really positive and exciting. I contacted somebody we were put in touch with whom works for Lucas Films. Lynne, has so graciously set up lunch on Wednesday over at the studios of Lucas Films and a little tour for Ronan. He cannot stop talking about going to visit Star Wars and New York Miss Macy, who just moved to San Francisco. It is going to be a short, productive trip. I am of course, over the moon about getting to see my love, Mace 🙂

I started this post yesterday but didn’t finish it last night due to falling asleep at 9:00 and sleeping all night long. It’s a miracle! I have not done that since before Ronan was diagnosed! My dreams were not even that horrific. I, of course, dreamt about Ronan and his cancer…. but my dreams were more peaceful than they have been in a long time. We went home yesterday around 3:30 and we are now back at the clinic for Ronan’s last day of this round of chemo. Liam and Quinn have the day off from school and Quinny is here with us while Liam is with Mimi and Papa. We will be finished here around 3 and Quinn is being such a good little helper. It was fun to introduce him to all of the people  here who are such a part of our lives now. He hears Ronan talk about them all day long and I think it was good for Quinn to put the faces that go with all the names. It was also good for Quinn to see what we do on a day-to-day basis while we are in the clinic. He likes to know what is going on with Ronan. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers.

Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. I of course chopped it up to nerves. I’m scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Dr. Eshun already told me that he spoke with Dr. Matthay and she is going to suggest we do MIBG treatment as soon as possible. I already knew this. Everybody is going to be biased in the way they want to treat Ronan’s cancer. But nobody really knows the correct answer. This is beyond fucked up to me. The fact that Woody and I are going to have to make a choice in regards to Ronan’s life and part of it is going to have to be based on a leap of faith. No parent should ever have to be put in that situation. I’m not one to get political one here because that would stir up too much shit, but HELLLLLLLOOOOO WHITEHOUSE!!!!!!! With all the money that you are spending on the world….. why don’t you throw a WHOLE bunch of it at Childhood Cancer so we can actually find a cure for this horrific disease that is killing MILLIONS OF CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?!?! They are our future and with the lack of funding, you are throwing away the lives of amazing children who would make this world a much better place.

I came across a quote by Mark Twain today and it made me smile. “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.” I said at the beginning of all of this I was going to stop listening to the statistics for Ronan. I stand by what I said. He is not a statistic, he is my child. Many people do not want to associate cancer with children. It is just an unthinkable horror. It’s easy to dismiss the idea by saying, “This will never happen to my child.” Unfortunately, it happens more often than we’d like to believe. According to the National Childhood Cancer Foundation, one in every four elementary schools has a child with cancer. While many children are cured, there are still many children who will die.

When you lose your parents you are an orphan. When you lose your spouse you are a widow(er). There is no name for a parent who loses their child because it is just too unspeakable.

Why is the happening to my perfect little boy? Because there was never a boy born who is more beautiful in this world; so now he has to pay the price? I want an answer for something I will probably never know and it’s not fair. I want someone to be mad at and someone to blame, but that person does not exist. If I can’t have something tangible to blame, I want a cure, god damn it! I don’t want to have to put the life of my child on the line and trust my instinct in choosing his path. This is beyond unfair. It is sick, inhuman, and cruel. He does not deserves any of this! NO CHILD DOES! For all of you out there who are compassionate human beings; and I know you are because you continue to read this blog and pray for Ronan….. I dare you to come and spend the day at a hospital full of kids who have cancer. If your life is not affected, if you can walk away from all of this and never look back, you are reading the wrong blog. For those of you who are already doing something, big or small….thank you. The time is now to make a difference and your wake up call is here. It’s time to do something, whether it be to volunteer, to make a sick kid smile, or to help in raising awareness in any way possible. I wish I wasn’t getting my wake up call in life because my child has cancer. I wish I had someone telling me to do something. I would have listened if I had known this world existed. I lived a blind life full of a false sense that everything was perfect in the world, because my world was perfect. WHAT A BIG, FAT, LIE.

An innocently good day turned into a not so good night. Let’s see….. I threw up the one little thing I tried to eat for dinner, went to try to get gas in my car (had to leave due to not being able to get the gas to pump due to my head spinning) and then went to Target were I proceeded to abandon my cart due to almost having a severe panic attack in the store. Fernanda called just as I was walking out and I started bawling to her. She was like “What at the fuck are you doing trying to get gas for your car?” “That’s what we are all here for!” You know you are in trouble when getting gas seems overwhelming. In the mist of my bawling in the car before I left the parking lot I texted my Mr. Sparky eyes whom is always telling me that I am doing a great job at handling everything and I need to stop being so hard on myself. I said to him, “People that are doing o.k. do not have to leave in the middle of shopping at Target because they cannot focus on what they need to get. I am not o.k. and I cannot believe I have to make a decision in regards to my son’s life when nobody knows the right answer.” 2 minutes later, he called and basically talked me down from the ledge and sat on the phone and let me cry. He reassured me as he always does that we are doing everything right in our power and we are going to make the best decision for Ronan. He then told me how I am alright, I had just had a shitty day and tomorrow will be better. He also told me that anything I needed at Target, I really didn’t need anyway. He calmed me down as he always does with his wisdom and words. After talking to him, I was able to go and get gas for my car without any problems.

I came home to a hectic house of boys’ gone wild. My 3 little guys are so happy to be together, that it is hard to get them calmed down for bedtime. Lots of laughing and playing just as it should be.  San Francisco tomorrow. One more piece of the puzzle to put into place. Will it fit or not?? Only time will tell.

G’nite my loves. Thank you to Fernanda, Stacy, and Mr. Sparkly Eyes for being there for me tonight. Your words helped me through the night. I love you.

xoxo


Not following the yellow brick road

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! RO, MAMA, AND NANA WENT FOR PEDICURES!!!!

I wish I could tell you all that I have not updated my blog for a few days because I have been so busy soaking up all of my precious time with my amazing family. That we have had such a fun filled, fantastic weekend full of no worries whatsoever. But, that is not the case. The weekend started out that way. We left PCH on Friday happy as clams, ready for transplant and for a great weekend. We took Ronan on Saturday to the twins’ basketball game and had a wonderful time. Afterwords, I came home with Ro and my mom and we were playing outside in the backyard enjoying the sunshine and warmth of the day. 30 minutes later Woody arrived, came storming outside, demanding that he needed to have a serious conversation with me and needed to have it now. My stomach instantly dropped, my heart fell to the floor and I knew something was wrong. He said he had just gotten off a lengthy phone call with Dr. Eshun and they had done the randomization for one stem cell transplant or two. We were randomized for one. I knew this before Woody even told me. Woody had asked me 3 days prior to this if I thought we were getting one transplant or two. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “One.” He goes, “How do you know?” I told him I just had a feeling. This is not the news we were hoping for. My head started spinning and it was as if we were right back to where we started, at day one of Ronan’s diagnoses. Although Ronan has made great progress, Woody and I have done enough research to know that not enough of his disease is gone for us to go ahead with just one transplant. This cancer is too strong. I spent all of Saturday crying my eyes out, trying to wrap my head around all of this, and Woody went straight into Woody mode and armed himself with as much information as possible as far as other alternatives. He figured out who we needed to call today to get answers from. He has spoken with several doctors from New York, San Francisco, Chicago, and Atlanta. Time is not on our side and time is not our friend.

The one thing that every doctor that Woody has talked to, cannot figure out is why is Ronan’s Bone scan is negative, his Bone Marrow clean, his VMA (urine test) is negative, yet he has so many spots left on the MIBG scan. Dr. Kusher believes that the Neuroblastoma, is still in Ronan’s bone marrow, not his bones. We are at a crossroads with what to do and are looking at basically two different options. As of now, we are deciding between an MIBG therapy in San Francisco or heading to Sloan Kettering to start 3F8. As soon as we heard that  Ronan had only been randomized for one stem cell transplant, we pulled him off the COG study we have had him on. There is no point in following their rules anymore. Although Ronan’s path is not clear, I have no doubt that we will find our way through this maze. I keep telling myself that Ronan is so unique and such a special little boy, that he was not meant to follow the yellow brick road on this journey. He was meant to make his own road full of yellow, purple, red, green and every other color you can possibly think of. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise because Ronan was not meant to have a transplant at all as it wasn’t the right answer. I have felt uneasy about his whole transplant thing from the beginning. I know what my heart and gut are telling me what the right answer is… but I think it is going to be a day or two until the answer is 100% clear. Woody and I are doing everything possible, with the help of my dear Fernanda who has been a godsend, to find out what all of our options are. We are still meeting with our transplant doctor tomorrow, Dr. Adams, but we will not be starting transplant on Thursday like we had originally planned. Just goes to show you how tricky this disease is and you really can’t ever prepare for anything. Talk about having the rug pulled out from underneath you. I told you Ronan was a rule breaker…. I really believe he was not meant to follow this protocol…. he is going to make his own.

I was a mess this weekend but tried to go on with some normal things we had planned. On Saturday night, Woody and I went over to Tricia and Max’s house with our friends, Danielle and Jay. We had fun, but I told Trish the next day, you know your in a bad place when not even Danielle’s toxic margaritas can mask your pain. We came home from Tricia’s around 1 a.m. and I tossed and turned the entire night. On Sunday, I had a dinner planned with some of my girlfriends and I refused to cancel. I joined Jen, Stacy, Jocelyn, Fernanda, Gay, Heidi, Bethany, Shelby, and Melissa, for a very special dinner that was supposed to be my “sending off” into isolation, but turned out to be, o.k…..here is the new news and what we are facing…now what the fuck are we supposed to do??  I tried my best to enjoy myself and when you are surround by the most beautiful women in the world, it is impossible to not enjoy yourself. I had to let go just a little bit and I have to trust in this new plan that is going to present itself. I texted my Mr. Sparkly eyes today and told him that decisions are begin made for us and we just have to trust. He believes this too, there is something bigger than us guiding us in the direction we need to go. I truly believe this with all of my heart.

What I am asking from all of you is just your continued prayers and love and your belief that we will make the right decision for our baby boy. Whatever path we choose, or whatever path chooses us, there is no looking back. We refuse to second guess anything we have done or are going to do. To live like that is foolish and we are very aware of that.

Hopefully by tomorrow, we will have a clearer vision of what we are doing as we need to get Ronan started on his next treatment as soon as possible. As far as Ronan goes, he could not be happier. He has been loving being at home with his brothers and playing outside. He looks amazing and his spirits could not be better. I am reminded everyday by looking at him what a gift he is as well as Liam, Quinn, and Woody. I am such a blessed mama and wife.

Please, no tears for us yet. Trust me, I’ve done enough crying the past few days for each and every one of you. This is a blessing in disguise. It HAS to be.

On to the next step…. Transplant here we come!

Wasn’t a lifetime ago that I was sitting in the cafeteria with Auntie Karen, E.J. Tricia, Max and Woody as we went over all the options for Ronan? Wasn’t it a lifetime ago that I had to leave the table because I was hyperventilating and Tricia followed me and I told her there was no way I could do this?? How could it be possible that so much could change in the blink of an eye, and here we sit 5 months later with everything on paper, telling us the results from Ronan’s scans.

Bone Scan- No definite focal abnormality

Bone Marrow– No definite focal abnormality

PET-CT– MIBG– Still has a small amount of activity in his knees, pelvic bones, shoulders, and spine but it has greatly diminished.

MRI– No abnormality in the brain.

24 hour urine test- negative for Neuroblastoma

This is good news. This is a huge victory for Ronan. But I still cried. I cried because I am his mother and I just wanted everything to be gone already. The doctors did not expect Ronan’s results to be any better than this, due to how tough this cancer is. That is why we will do the Stem Cell Transplant, Radiation, and Antibodies. Yesterday was a hard day though. I called Fernanda first… because it was her words I needed to hear. She let me cry and then told me all of the reasons why this is happening, how fucked up it is, but how this is Ronan’s journey, and I cannot compare it to anybody else’s because he is so different. She told me how lucky we are that he is responding so well, as unfortunately, some children do not respond at all. He is on his own path and is going to do this his own way. She is so right. I felt better after talking to her and made a couple other phone calls. I was running late to my hair appointment and was a mess by the time I got there. My sweet hair girl, Katrina (the one who shaved Ro’s hair for me) knew something was wrong as soon as she saw me even though I told her I was fine. 10 minutes later I was bawling in her chair as she wrapped her arms around me and held me. I told her about the scan results and what we had coming up. She is the best and is so good at letting me vent. Thanks, K<3 Love you.

Don’t even get me started on the fucking Audiology test yesterday. We had to finish it up and when we were done, the asshole Doctor looked at me and started saying things like, “Definite hearing loss, it’s permanent and will never come back. You may want to consider what kind of quality of life you want for him.” I wanted to reach across the table and strangle the mother fucker. The way he delivered his “news” was harsh, cruel, and just plain rude. I felt like I was sitting back in Dr. Robinson’s office for the first time having Ronan’s eye looked at when I ended up walking out of the appointment. I tried to argue with him, but his results are his results, he said.  WTF ever. I will not be going back to see him again. We know Ronan is going to have high pitched hearing loss, and big deal, we can deal with that. This guy made it sound like Ronan’s life was now going to be completely ruined. This is not the way you present your findings to a mother who’s child has cancer. We’ve got enough on our plate as it is and this is the last thing I’m concerned about right now. I’m made my complaint and will continue to do so against this asshole. If you are going to be so cold and ruthless, you should not be working with children.

Ronan has been in a happy mood since we got home yesterday. This will be his last weekend here for awhile so we are going to soak it up. He has no idea yet what is coming up next. How do you explain to a 3 year old that they will be going into isolation for god knows how long?? You don’t. I will tell him on Wednesday night, as little as possible and try to explain it in the most kid friendly way I can. I have a lot to get done before Thursday and thankfully my therapist squeezed me in on Tuesday. I’ve got to get myself ready as well as Ronan. We will meet with Dr. Adams on Tuesday to go over everything. I am excited. Excited that we are moving forward and that Ronan is doing so well. I am excited to get this Stem Cell Transplant done and give my baby a whole new immune system free of this evil cancer. He is going to have another birthday to celebrate once he gets his immune system. He will be the boy  with the most birthdays ever;)

This weekend we have the twins’ basketball game, my mom and I are having lunch with my dear friend, Lisa, Woody and I are going to Tricia and Max’s tonight, and tomorrow night all of my sweet girlfriends are kidnapping me for a dinner out send off. So excited to see them all!!!! It is going to be a great weekend and I am going to enjoy every second of it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! Thanks for checking in and spreading the word about our little Rockstar!

xoxo

GRRRR… New York Miss Macy! Mama Bear is in full effect. LMAO!!!!!! I totally think this will keep me warm in the hospital!! Love you my crazy friend!!

Deep breaths, Patience and Xanax

Fork em' Devils!

What a long day. We don’t know anything yet but should know the results by tomorrow afternoon/evening. Now Dr. Eshun will meet with a team of doctors to go over the results of all the scans combined, with a fine tooth comb. Waiting is the hardest part. Sleep is going to be extra difficult tonight. UGH. I hate these nights.

Today, we started out at the clinic just doing Ronan’s normal labs. He needed to get blood, but we did not have enough time to do it before we had his MIBG scan. We will go back tomorrow for a transfusion as his counts were a little low. We did have some time to kill in between the clinic and our scan time so we went to the car wash and ran home for about 15 minutes. We then headed back to PCH to get ready for Ro’s scan. He was in a pleasant mood today and was excited as always to see Dr. Maze. We brought him a coffee and Ronan introduced Dr. Maze to his favorite show that he was watching on his iPad, Max and Ruby. Dr. Maze and our favorite of his helpers, Angela, were eating Ro up like always. We had some fun play time with them before it was time for Ronan to get his “sleepy medicine.” We did the usual, I held him, and Dr. Maze injected him. Ronan cried out his usual, “Mama, Mama, Mama!” I put on my brave face and gave Dr. Maze the look he knows so well now, which is, take the best care of my baby ever. I don’t even have to say the words anymore. He knows and he does. So thankful.

I walked myself out to the waiting room where Auntie Karen and Fernanda sat waiting for me. I am so glad they were there to keep me company today. They kept my mind occupied and I am so happy the two of them finally were able to meet. I am so used to going to PCH alone and by myself and I never realized how much work it is for me. Today, after Ro came out of anesthesia, Fernanda went and got my car for me so I didn’t have to walk all the way to the parking garage while carrying my bags and Ronan as I usually do. Today was easy and I am going to try to make myself take the help from my friends more often. It makes all the difference in the world. They kept my mind busy and my spirits happy. Thank you both for today…. I know I tell you all the time, but I love you so much. Ronan woke up a little grumpy and just wanted to get out of there asap. That is precisely what we did.

We came home to Mimi and Papa helping Liam and Quinn with their homework. Ronan was starving so I made him his favorite scrambled eggs and he scarfed them down. Woody came home soon after and we snuck out just the two of us for dinner. It’s been so long since just the two of us have gone out alone. It was nice to just sit with my husband and try to be as normal as possible. I caught myself laughing easily at his funny stories and we got caught up on our plans for the weekend. It was a very nice, much needed night together. My mom comes into town tomorrow until Monday and I am so very excited to see her. It should be a busy, fun, weekend ❤

Fernanda sent me a text tonight that melted my heart. She said one of her little boys’, Brando, who is four, was at school today and a little boy asked him where his mommy was. Brando told the little boy that his mommy was at the hospital helping a little boy grow back his hair. That is one of the cutest things I have ever heard and filled my heart with so much joy. Fernanda is doing so much more than that; she is teaching me what it truly means in life to be an amazing person to the core. What it means to live a life full of passion, laughter, and love with just the right about sass to go with it. Fernanda is the kind of women who can light up a room with her quick wit and bright eyes. I told you she has the same sparkle in her eyes as Ronan and I find so much comfort in that. Even though what we are going through, sucks balls, I am so thankful for the beautiful souls that I am surround by. If not for this, I would be missing out on all the loveliness that has surrounded me for so long, but I just didn’t know how beautiful it truly was until now. Everyday is a combination of heaven and hell…. it’s a beautiful, tragic love story to the fullest.

Deep breaths tonight. Hot Yoga at 5:30 a.m. Yes, please. I will be there and I will be focusing all of my energy into my Ronan baby like I always do. We need some good news tomorrow. Please.

G’nite and sweetest dreams to you all. Love you for checking in on us and loving our little Ro so much.

xoxo

I get by with a little help from my friends

There is no better way to start a Sunday morning than meeting up with my girlfriends at Taylor’s for breakfast. Tricia, Bethany, Fernanda, and Stacy all came prepared with everything we needed to talk about as far as getting things in the works for transplant. These women, I swear could rule the world. Smart, compassionate, funny, beautiful, and savvy are just a few things that come to mind when describing them. Fernanda came armed with a lot of printouts about questions we need to have answered about the isolation period and we put together a pretty good game plan. It was a little overwhelming but I know not to worry too much because these girls have it all under control. There is no way that they will not have everything and more covered. We started lists of everything from who will do laundry to the schedule for Liam and Quinn, to who will sneak me in coffee when I need it. There is nothing these girls will miss and I could not have more peace of mind with whom I am leaving things in charge of. Fernanda has read over 60 blogs of other Neuroblastoma moms and knows everything we need to do and ask.

As we were leaving Taylor’s I was getting into Tricia’s car and she looked over at me and called Fernanda a real life Superwoman. She hit the nail on the head with that one. Fernanda is a even better than Superwoman… she is my version of a Spanish Superwoman with sass, spice, brains, compassion, and just the right amount of  a fiery attitude to help me kick ass through this. Then there is Stacy. The most loyal person I have ever met who loves me like I am family. Who knows just how to calm me down by just giving me a look. If there is ever a time that I feel overwhelmed or panicked, all I have to do is look in Stacy’s eyes and I know everything is going to be alright. She is the type of person who will bend over backwards for you, without ever asking a thing in return. She gives with her entire heart, no questions asked, and fills me with the peace and calmness that I so need in my life right now. And Bethany. You look up the definition of Grace and Beauty in the dictionary, and you will find Bethany’s picture. She is somebody that I have known almost my entire life, just not well at all until now. She is guarded but wears her heart on her sleeve. I am honored that she has slowly let me into her life as it takes a lot to earn Bethany’s trust. She is the most amazing mommy, wife, friend and someone who I would trust with my life and the life of my children 110%. Last but not least, there is my Tricia Boo. My best friend for 6 years now and we have the kind of friendship that dreams are made of. It’s been a six year love story and now she has basically given up everything to help me through this. She is the Godmom to Ronan and my saving grace. There is no way I would be able to get through this without her. Sitting at breakfast this morning I felt so fortunate so be surrounded by these women. One of the biggest gifts I have received on this journey is finding out what people are really made of. The people that are in our lives, right now, at this moment, are pure gold. They are my hidden treasures whose hearts keep me filled with courage and strength. I am beyond blessed.

I think I just wrote a love letter to my sweet girlfriends above… I could seriously write a book on each and every one of them. You know how else I know I am beyond blessed?? Because I just took the time to write about those 4 girls above and I have a handful more amazing girlfriends who I could go on and on about as well. You all know who you are and I love you so much. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you are doing for me, for Ro, for our family. I will simply tell you everyday how much I love you and how thankful I am that people like you exist in the world and I treasure you all so much. Thank you for being the truest friends alive in the purest way possible.

After breakfast, Trish came over and we sat down with Woody to go over everything. We started an online calendar to get the ball rolling on what exactly needs to happen and to figure out which days/nights I will be in the hospital and which days/nights I will be at home. Seeing this on a calendar defiantly makes me feel better. Having something to look at helps to calm my nerves. I feel like we are starting to put a very good plan into place. The thing with cancer is everyday is different and you never know what to expect, but at least this gives me a little something to hold on to. I thrive in structure and with a good plan in place I feel like I will be able to fully focus on Ronan if I know who is doing what on this day and at this time.

Today, the boys’ played with their cousin Luke for most of the day. We also had Luke’s sister Lily over to play as well. She was such a little trooper, keeping up with a house full of 4 crazy boys. I took her up the street for some girly time and we got mani and pedicures. Lily is 8 and is just as sweet as her brother. I never get little girl time, so I was in heaven. She is darling and I loved spending time with her today. We both got glitter nail polish on our toes and Lily got pink on her nails with a little flower design. I would steal those kids every weekend if I could:) It is adorable to see this new relationship flourish between cousins.

After Luke and Lily went home, I could tell Liam wasn’t feeling well today. He took a big nap which he never does and woke up with a sight fever. I sat and held him for a bit but we had to call Mimi and Papa to pick him up so he could go and stay at their house for the night. We can’t take any chances around Ronan if Liam does have something. I hate that I can’t take care of my little guy who isn’t feeling well. I mean, that’s supposed to be my job… I’m his mom. We don’t have a choice though, we cannot have Ronan getting sick with anything before transplant. Off he went and Woody, Ro, Quinn and I walked down to Jay’s house to watch the Superbowl. We had a great time and Jay was the master of the BBQ making the best steaks ever. We hung out, watched football, ate, and played catch outside. Ronan got tired around half-time so I brought him home. Quinn and Ro are fast asleep now and Woody is having some boy time with Jay and Mark. He needs that so much. I am so happy that Woody’s best friend now lives right around the corner from us. It has been nothing but great for all of us.

Alright, xanex is kicking in. I must get a good night sleep tonight…. I have so much going on this week and if I am not sleeping, lord knows what I will forget to do or what I will mess up. I’ve got to try to start sleeping more at night…. otherwise my brain turns into mush and I cannot focus or remember a thing. Hope you all had a great weekend. It was one of the best weekends we have had in a very long time. Goodnight to all of you out there… sweetest dreams possible.

xo

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called “Yellow.”

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to’ve done,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cuz you were all yellow,

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know,
For you I’d bleed myself dry,
For you I’d bleed myself dry.

It’s true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for…
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine…

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Goodnight moon

Home. After over a month of being in and out of hospitals, between Sloan and PCH… we are home again. So sweet. Yesterday, Ronan’s ANC was only at 80… today it jumped up to 240! That is very high for just one day. Ronan’s little body is fighting so hard to come back after being beaten down so badly. After Arica, our amazing friend/nurse, told us the great news about Ronan’s ANC.. she still wasn’t sure if we could go home or not. She said she didn’t want to get our hopes up because we were scheduled for scans as an inpatient for tomorrow, so that may mean they may just make us stay the night again. My sweet friend, Fernanda, came to sit with Ronan so I could run home and shower. She texted me about a half an hour after I left to tell me the doctor came in and told her that after Ronan received a transfusion of platelets, we could be on our merry way. I was so thrilled to hear this news as I was not expecting it:)

When I returned to PCH, Ronan was sleeping and when I walked into his room I had to laugh at the snow cone tent/stand that Fernanda bought for Ronan, along with his very own snow cone maker so they could sell snow cones to the nurses. Can you even stand the cuteness of this right now?? I can’t. It was the most adorable thing ever. What an amazing heart and imagination she has. Arica was telling me that when they were making snow cones, all of the nurses were like, “What is that all that noise?” Arica said she was laughing and told them, “Oh, don’t worry.. it’s just Ro making snow cones with his snow cone machine.” Only Ronan with the help of Fernanda would pull something off like that while stuck in the hospital. The thought of the two of them doing this together makes me so happy. Thanks, Fernanda, for everything. For all your help with Ronan these past couple of weeks and hauling all of our things to my car for me today. I don’t know how I would have managed without you, my dear:)

As we were getting ready to leave PCH, we were waiting for one of our doctors, “A” to come and talk to us about the weeks upcoming events. She arrived from the clinic all flustered, panicked and excited. She was jumping up and down about Ronan’s ANC and said how amazing he was that it spiked so high in one night. Talk about being passionate about her job. I love seeing that in someone who is caring for my child. A lack of passion in life is fatal. I have always felt this way and seeing “A” as often as we do, she is one of the most passionate people I have ever come across. Makes me love her even more. She told us that one of the scans Ronan was supposed to have this week, the MIBG scan had to be delayed due to the iodine not being able to get here from Canada due to the big storm. I told her not a big deal at all, as I know the situation is not in her hands. She was also trying to figure out a way to squeeze in one of Ronan’s bone scans tomorrow with all of his other scans, so we could limit the amount of times that he has to be put under anesthesia in the next two weeks. The only problem was Dr. Maze had a certain time blocked out for Ronan’s anesthesia, and throwing another scan in cut into something else he had scheduled. His office didn’t think he would be able to do it so they were going to have to get somebody else.  Just as she was telling me this, she looked down at her phone and started jumping up and down saying, “Yes, yes, yes! Thank you!!!” She then told me, “Nevermind, Aubrey moved whatever he had and will be there to do all of the scans.” She was smiling and saying how she was going to have to bake him cookies now for this one. What a good friend and a good man he is to us. He knows how important it is to us to have him do Ronan’s anesthesia. Thank you, Aubrey…I have decided that you are first a good man, and than a good doctor 😉

Ronan had his EKG and Echo Heart scan done today just to make sure everything is working properly. He was of course a great little trooper about having yet another thing done to him. I did have to bribe him into leaving his room to go for these scans by letting him take the 5 pounds of candy that Macy sent him from New York. Thanks Mace! Nothing like a little candy straight from Dylan’s Candy Shop to get the morning started! You spoil my child rotten and he loves you all the more for it! I love you for making me laugh the entire day with your ridiculously funny 4 minute long voicemail. You have no idea how much I needed that one today:)

Home today has been heaven on earth. To have all of my boys’ under the same roof is a dream come true. I did spend most of the night unpacking our 20 bags and doing laundry. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to wake up to them in the morning and then having to come home from a long day at the hospital tomorrow to them staring me in the face. The boys helped as much as they could and Woody cooked dinner. It was a nice, normal, happy night. It feels really good to all be together again.

Ronan knows the drill for tomorrow. I have been preparing him for it all day as far as having to get up early to go back to the hospital so Dr. Maze can give him his sleepy medicine. I find if I prepare him for things, he is less likely to throw a fit. He told me tonight it’s o.k. to go back to the hospital, as long as he doesn’t have to be “hooked up” as he calls it, to his pole. I told him he would not have to be hooked up, he was just going to get his sleepy medicine for pictures and we would go home after. He is being very cooperative with all that is being thrown his way. I am so lucky to have such an amazing little boy. He never ceases to amaze me.

Tomorrow is a big day for Ro. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. He will have his audiology test first thing, his bone marrow scan, and then his bone scan. We know from the scans in New York, that the Neuroblastoma was not detected in his bone marrow, but we will have them rechecked at PCH and have the bone test done as well. When Ronan was first diagnosed, he had Neuroblastoma in everyone of his bones and 5-10% in his bone marrow. We know that it is now gone from his marrow, but his actual bones may be a different story. We will hope and pray that it has drastically decreased. It cannot be any other way.

Tonight, I am happy to sleep in my own bed with my little bug curled up beside me. I was able to tuck in Liam and Quinn which means the world to me now. Who would have ever thought something so little would mean so much in the grand scheme of things. Tucking in my little boys’ is the happiest place on earth for me. I am very thankful for the nights that I am able to do this and will cherish them for the rest of my life.

G’nite to all of you beautiful souls out there. Thank you for all the love, thoughts, and peace you are sending our way. Nobody said this was going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. The love that surrounds our family is something we are so thankful for. Sweetest dreams to you all.

xoxo

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you’re standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
And it’s brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I’d given up and given in
I just couldn’t take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn’t have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

Magic Medicine…. Day 1, Round 6

I feel like I don’t have a lot to say tonight. Ronan hasn’t gotten out of bed, except to use the bathroom, since we got here on Sunday. He says his legs are hurting and does not want to walk around, go to the playroom, or anything. I tried all day to get him out of bed. I’m sure a lot of this is due to all of the pain he is in from his surgery and just feeling crummy that he is in the hospital. He has been playing with his Star Wars guys, on my iPad, watching Mickey Mouse, and we have been reading a lot of books. I did get him to giggle tonight which I really needed. I downloaded a book for him on my iPad that has Grover in it and he thought it was hilarious. He has been really sweet, but really quiet which is not my little guy. The chemo finally started this evening. It took a few hours to get him hydrated before so it was around 5:00 p.m. before it got started. He is sleeping now and I am praying that he continues to sleep without getting sick to his stomach.

Sarah came to the hospital for a few hours this morning so I could run home and shower and do a little bit of laundry. Ronan was happy to see her and didn’t even put up a fuss when I left. She is so good with him and he loves her. It was nice to get out of the hospital for a few hours just to be at home. Felt a little sad and empty though. I try not to remember my old life too much anymore because it hurts so much. I am mostly just numb to everything and going through the motions. It’s all I can do right now. I am trying to come up with a way to make this whole isolation thing easier on everybody. I worry about Liam and Quinn a lot. I am thinking I can set up Skype and do things like help with them with their homework, etc…. I miss doing normal things like that with them and I worry that they are going to suffer. They are at an age where they are going to remember this time in their life and I am trying to figure out how we can make this into something that makes them stronger little men. Woody took Liam and Quinn to the Suns basketball game tonight with their entire basketball team. They called me when it was over and they were on their way home. I heard Quinn tell Woody it was one of the best nights of his life. I am so glad they had such a good time, but hearing him say that felt like I had just been slapped in the face. Bittersweet. It was one of the best nights of his life, and I wasn’t there. Makes me sad. All the time.

My girlfriends keep telling me they are going to kidnap me soon to take me out for an unbirthday celebration. I love them all so much, but I honestly feel like burying myself in a hole and never coming out. Hospital depression maybe? Or maybe just sad because my baby has cancer. I know things with Ronan could not be going better, but I am the one who has to watch everyday as he suffers and goes through what he is going through. It is the hardest thing to see and watch; and all day long I push my fear and sadness away to be happy and strong for him. Nights get me, when he is asleep and I have nothing to do but sit with my thoughts and watch him sleep, praying that every little whimper he makes is not due to any pain he is feeling. I will have to watch him closely tonight. This round of chemo is nasty stuff. I’ve gotten so good at the “cancer lingo,” and knowing what exactly the side effects are. Words like, Vincristine, Doxorubicin, and Cyclophosphamide, roll off of my tongue with such ease as if I’ve known them entire life. They are now words that I will never forget, no matter how hard I try.

Alright, that is all for tonight. I am going to get out my own head before it’s too late and I can’t get my thoughts under control. G’nite, sweetest dreams to all of you.

xoxo

Sushi, Sake, and Cancer

I’m having a ton of anxiety again. Not sure why, it just seems to come and go in waves. I have not been able to run in 2 days… maybe that is why. Running seems to help me get rid of some of this nervous energy. May take a trip to the gym later…  I am really missing my Central Park but it is covered in about 10 inches of snow. Woody has been working today, I have been taking care of Quinn and Ronan while Liam has been hanging out with Woody and then met us down in the playroom. I took Quinn and Ro to eat at the pizza place nearby. Have I mentioned how much Ronan has been eating?? It is insane. I think he eats more than our family, put together. Here is an example of the lunch we just had. Me: Bowl of Tortellini soup. Quinn: 1 slice of pizza and some Fetuccine pasta. Ronan: 3 slices of pizza (they are huge) bread knots, and half of Quinn’s Fettuccine. Not to mention he had just eaten an hour before. I swear he is eating every hour on the hour. It is so great for him; he dropped a little weight during our last round of chemo. I bet you he has put it all back on and then some. Pizza seems to be his favorite as he is eating it at least 3 times a day.

I am trying to let Liam, Quinn, and Ronan soak up as much time together as possible before the twins have to leave. I know Ronan is going to be devastated when they go back to Arizona. Just the thought of it makes me tear up. I hate that they have to be a part, but I also know it is going to be easier on me. It takes a lot to entertain 3 little boys’ who are away from home. Liam and Quinn have been such troopers though; we have been dealing with a little bit of behavioral issues which has thrown me for a loop. It’s mainly my Quinn. I know where it is coming from. He is nervous, scared, and is trying to adapt to our new life but having me gone a lot of the time is hard on him. He is becoming more independent though. I notice little things that I see him doing on his own that he used to not be able to do. I sit back and watch him and wonder, when did he learn how to do that?? Wasn’t I supposed to be there to see it??  I’m trying to do my best to address the things going on with Quinn; we have been doing a lot of talking.

I’ve been emotional the past few days. Being away from our own home is hard…. we are basically in a little studio apartment. Lots of “stuff” in here which is about to throw me over the edge. This whole blizzard thing has left us pretty much inside the RMH all day. About to lose it. It’s a funny thing how whenever I seem to be at my breaking point, my friend Charisma calls me. It’s like she can sense it. She called today and we had a good chat for about a half an hour. She does that type of thing often…. when I am feeling overwhelmed or sad, ring ring, and it is always her. It was good to hear her voice today and I always feel better after our talks. Love you, CC.

That was from earlier today. Guess what time it is?!?! 2:30 a.m. which is what I call the witching hour around here. I wake up at this time every night like clockwork. I just woke up from a very vivid dream which involved Ronan and his cancer. Cancer never fucking sleeps around here; I swear I never get a break from it. Tonight, I was able to get out a bit. I took all 3 boys’ over to Kay and Charlie’s place and then I went and walked the city for a bit. It was a mess but I really needed the walk and alone time. Woody was on the phone with clients and ended up meeting me for some sushi and sake. We sat, I tried to eat a little bit, and we talked. I was in a funk today and he knew it. We talked a lot about Ronan…. at one point I looked over at him and said, “Did you ever think in a million years we would be here?” He of course said no. I told him how I always pictured our life and it was either something happening to me or him that I imagined dealing with. Never was it one of our kids. We had a nice time together but no matter what we do, it’s like a big black cancer cloud is hanging over our heads. Fun times I tell ya. We then walked back and picked up Quinn and Ronan. Liam stayed the night with Mimi and Papa. On our walk back, Quinn was telling me how much he loves New York and wants to go to Columbia University to be a doctor. It was something so little, but it made my night. He told me that this is his favorite city ever…. he is such his mama’s boy:) Ronan would not sit in his stroller and was running through the snowy city, and was laughing and laughing. It was such a perfect moment. We got back to the RMH and everyone was pretty tired since it was so late. The boys’ and I crashed out and Woody stayed up dealing with some airline issues. He needs to get back to Phoenix and we are trying to figure out his travel dates for everything now that it all got screwed up due to the snow. He was supposed to go back on Sunday; but obviously that didn’t happen.

On Wednesday, we should have all of Ronan’s scan results back. We also meet with Dr. La Qualia which I am super excited about. I talked to my friend, Pam White tonight and I think she is more excited than I am for me to meet La Qualia. He saved her daughter’s life. She gave me a picture to give to him of her daughter; she keeps him updated on her by sending him pictures of her beautiful little girl. I can’t wait to give it to him.

That is all for now. 3:30 a.m…. have to try to get back to sleep so I’m not a zombie tomorrow. Love you all. Hope you are having the sweetest dreams.

xoxo