What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

I would like to go back to reality… never.

Ronan. I am always nervous when going to places that I have been with you before and having to return to them, once again without you. I was nervous to come here, as I never know how I’ll actually do. I have only the best memories of being here with you as your Nana and Papa’s was one of your favorite places to go. We didn’t come here last summer. I thought it would have been too painful. I think anything last year, was too painful. Coming out here, this summer with your brothers was the right thing to do. They have spent the past few weeks, in utter bliss. I have not seen them so happy, since before you were sick. It has been a little healing to my heart. How could it not be? I want your brothers to be happy. I needed to see them this way, for my own healing as well. I may never be happy again, Ronan. I can be o.k. with that, as long as your brothers are happy. I can live my happiness through them.

This place, will always be home to me. It will always be my favorite place. It is good for my heart, mind, body and soul. It has been a good trip, even under our harsh circumstances. You know what I got while I was here, Ronan? Nothing but pure love. What do you mean, I can walk around and not be judged for what it is I think, feel, say or act? Where are all the people, glaring at me with their hash, cold pretend eyes? Where are all the whispers?They don’t exist here. I get smiles. I get we are proud of you. I get you are doing a good job. I get your name brought up, everywhere. You are not swept under the rug. You are not forgotten because life just goes on. You are not in a better place. You were not part of a bigger plan. This did not happen for a reason. There is no reason for this and everybody here, knows that. Here, it is simple. It’s unconditional love, trust, support and no judgements. The only way a bereaved parent, should be treated. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me that I would find my way, and emerge from my hole, when I was ready. I am sure that hole will always exist for me, Ronan. But not once have I wanted to crawl in it here. I have spent the past few weeks soaking up your Nana, Papa, your brothers and Bri Bri. It has been just the time that I needed to unplug from the world and just be. Everyone misses you so much, but nobody is afraid to talk about you. Everyone is so worried about me, but nobody is afraid to talk about that, either.

I saw my dad today. I took your brothers over to see him for a bit. It was a quick visit. I don’t talk to him much, because I honestly don’t talk to very many people much anymore. He told me I looked better than he expected. He told me how worried he is about me. He looked so sad. I told him I would be alright. I talked to him about Dr. Jo for a while and how she has really been the one to help me through this. I told him about our very nontraditional therapy like relationship. About how I spend a lot of time up in Sedona with her and we do things like barefoot hike instead of sitting in some stuffy office, talking about stuffy things that most fancy doctors with their PH.D’s talk about. About how her therapy isn’t just an office where you are talked about, then forgotten. How I go there and how you are so loved by her because her heart is that big. I watched my dad, watching me as I talked about Dr. Jo. He looked down at me and said, “I am so glad you found her. She sounds amazing and now I am so less worried about you. Please give her a hug for me and tell her thank you, for saving my daughter.” I just smiled at him and said I would. See, Ronan. That right there is what I am talking about. How it does not matter how I am finding my way, because the people that truly care about me most and truly love me for me, don’t care how it’s done. They are just so thankful for the help and that I am finding my way, the way I need to find it. Because they are intelligent and open-minded enough to know that the only way I am going to find my way, is my way. Not anybody else’s.

Today, was your Nana’s birthday. I was sad most of the day because any type of birthday is sad for me now. They all feel empty without you. And I know what we all were wishing for and that was for you to be back here, with us. I did my best. I played with your brothers most of the day. I watched them follow your Papa around like two little ducks. I wanted my 3rd little duck to be following behind him, too. I looked for you, everywhere. I wondered if you were watching us. I wonder that a lot. It doesn’t give me peace, it just makes me sad because I know how badly you want to be with us. It is so wrong that we are separated. I have such a hard time in life without you here with me and some days, I just don’t know what to do. It’s days like today, that I force myself to continue moving forward, even though everything hurts so bad. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since being here. I know I am due for one, soon. I’m positively sure it’s waiting for me back in Arizona. We have one more day left here. Leaving is going to be hard. Your brothers are not ready to go at all. I am dreading having to take them away from your Papa and Nana. I think it’s going to be hard on everybody. Reality awaits us and there is no escaping that. It was nice to take a little break from it here though, and I am so thankful for the time with your Nana and Papa. Watching your brothers with them is one of my favorite things in life. It always has been. The bond that your brothers have with your Papa Jim is so very special. You loved him so much, too. I’m sorry, Ronan. For the fucking bullshit of a hand we were all dealt in this life. It rips me to pieces, every single day.

It’s late. I need to try to get some sleep. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Lipgloss Living isn’t easy when your heart is broken

Ronan. I died long before you died. I died on the day you were diagnosed with cancer. I’ll never forgot the way the news was presented to me. Like, “Oh, hello I am an Oncologist. Your son has stage IV Neuroblastoma. Have a wonderful day.” I was stunned, in shock, and the world was literally spinning around me. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck an Oncologist was. I fell to the floor. I died right then and there. But I got back up from my death. I got back up and I fought. We were thrown into the world of childhood cancer and did not stand a chance. Oh, how I thought we did. Because of course you were special and you were mine and we loved each other so much that the God’s from above were going to work in our favor and save you. They did not and you died. And now I will say over and over again, fuck those Gods for taking my child. After you died, I died again, right along with you, by your side, as you took your last sweet filled breaths. “Come with me, Ronan. Let’s get the FUCK out of this place. Take me with you. Please. I don’t want to stay here alone. I am dead, too.” Dead. Dead. Dead. Not once, but twice. So far in my life, I have died not once, but twice.

You die when your child dies. It’s a fact. You die, over and over again. Yet somehow, you just keep being reborn. I often have days where I’ll look in the mirror and say to myself, who are you today? Because I don’t recognize this face. It’s a new face today, but always the same eyes. Those big, sad, green eyes that are filled with so much pain, darkness, and fire it is as if I am looking into the depths of hell itself. Do you know how I go out into the world now Ronan? How I know what kind of day it is going to be? My days are determined by my lipgloss and I’m not even freaking kidding you. What the fuck, kind of way is that to base my days off of? I don’t know, but it is the only thing that seems to work for me. No lipgloss= a really bad day. A clear or light lipgloss= a calm or peaceful day. A bright or red lipgloss= a very, extra spicy day. A red lipstick day! Holy hell. Hold on to your pants, because someone is pissed. I never did this in my life, before I died. I only knew one feeling during that time and it was pure and utter bliss. Lipgloss living wasn’t even on my radar due to the emotions I was feeling. I just wore it because it made me feel pretty and for no other reason then it was girly and fun. Now I wear it to not feel pretty, because I never feel pretty anymore. I feel ugly all the time. I now wear lipgloss like it is part of my survival to stay on this earth. Lipgloss is my imaginary friend that helps me get through the day, the way I need to get through it. Didn’t think I was crazy before? You surely must think I am crazy now. I have imaginary lipgloss friends. It’s o.k. You know I am o.k. with the crazy that exists inside of me. It’s always been there. Now it’s just a little more tangible.

Today had no choice but to be a better day, then yesterday. But last night. That was hell. I think I tossed and turned until almost 5 a.m. I think I beat up some pillows and sent some raving mad lunatic emails to only the one close enough to us, to receive them. Emails that said things like, “What was I thinking, coming here without my Ambien?!! I need it so I can take 5,6, or 7 of them. Or I actually just need my son back, so I can sleep peacefully, again. Can you bring him back for me? I know you can’t, but just thought I would ask. G’nite lovie.” I finally fell asleep after writing a bit. Crying a bit. Thinking a bit. And missing you, a lot. I woke up today, tired but filled with a nervous energy that I couldn’t shake. Adrenaline running through my body like wildfire. Must go, go, today. Do, do, do. I went to visit someone who I have not seen in a long time, but someone who had a hand in shaping me during those very tumultuous teen-aged years. Someone that watched me at my worst and my best. Someone that watched me as a crazy dramatic teenager, grow into a young woman, and now this; a broken-hearted adult. I walked into to see her, like a puppy dog with its tail tucked in between its legs. That’s how I felt anyway. She looked like she was seeing a ghost. We stood and hugged for a few seconds. I didn’t feel like letting go. “Hi,” I said with my eyes falling to the floor. “Oh, Maya. I think about you all the time. But look at you. You’re doing it. You don’t have a choice. I don’t know what to say. You are such a good person. You didn’t deserve this.” Enter my hysteria here, that I tried to keep under control. “I don’t know what happened or how this happened or why this happened. I did everything right. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in this life, to make sure I had a good life. And this happens to my baby. How??? Why???” No answers were given of course. Just words of sympathy. Maybe pity?? I hope not pity. I never want pity from another person. I stayed for a few minutes longer as it was a short visit, as it only needed to be. She told me she felt honored that I came by to see her. I wanted to say, “Honored? Not honored. It’s just me. I’m just the same. I would always come by to see you, when I was visiting from out of town. I do not want you to see me, so differently, that you are honored that I would pop by. Please, don’t think of me like that. As the broken-hearted woman you see in front of you. Please think of me as just being the same person I was before all of this happened.The girl you used to know, who didn’t know what real pain, felt like. Can’t I go back to being that girl? Please? I cannot. That life is over. That life, will never exist again. Only a new life exists now and I’m not sure what that looks like. It looks different to me, everyday.

Tomorrow is almost here. I have a favor to ask of all of you lovely little blog readers. You all know my Dr. JoRo and how I fully embrace the fact that she has been one of the people who has saved my life through out all of this. Before her, I had no hope at all. She is one of the only people in my life, who has given me the gift of hope back. Tomorrow, her baby girl, Cheyanne, would have been 18 if she had not died during birth. It is because of her death, that I have my Dr. Jo and I so hate that. I would give anything for it to not be this way, and to not have ever known Dr. Jo, so she could just have her daughter. But because of the cruel fates of the world, it is not this way. Dr. Jo has taken tomorrow and turned it into to International Kindness Day. She has been doing this for a very long time now. So long now, that over 1 million acts of kindness have been done around the world. Can you please take tomorrow, and do something extra nice for someone? Even if it is just smiling at a stranger or holding a door open for someone. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but even the smallest acts of kindness, can change the world. Thank you, lovies. You are the best blogosphere friends a girl could ask for. I love you all.

G’nite Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

 

The most beautiful girl that there ever was

Ronan. I get a lot of letters from people. They are for the most part, filled with the kindest, most inspiring words that one could ever read. I occasionally get some hate mail, telling me how my evil plot to help other kids with cancer, is destroying the world due to my swearing, too many opinions that I should keep to myself, and of course all of my anger. Because as you know, I have been told over and over again… that you are exactly where you should be and in a much better place so I need to find some peace in that. You know what I say to that and what I will always say to that. Complete and utter bullshit and nobody should ever say those words to bereaved parent. EVER. I don’t care what it is they believe in. Those words are so ignorant and cold. They are so hurtful on so many levels. No parent should ever be without their child in this world. And if they have to be, those words should never be said because they just are not true. The only place a child belongs in this world, is with their parents and nowhere else. End of story on that.

I got a letter in the mail a couple of months ago. During that May month that was so hard to get through. I recognized the address and closed my eyes before I ripped it open. I sat with this letter and let my world absorb around me a bit before reading what it said. I slowly read the eloquent words before me and let them sink in, in a way that only one bereaved mother can do to another. I read the letter, over and over, and cried. I think I sat on the floor for a while. Your daddy came home. He saw me holding the card and asked who it was from. I just looked at him and said, “Simi’s mom.” His eyes fell to the floor. “What did she say?” I held on to the card and just mumbled something like, “Everything. Just everything.” I didn’t give him the card to read. I tucked it away in a book that I carry with me everywhere. I only keep really special things in this book that I carry around with me. It has a couple of pictures of you in it and now, this card too. I have read this card, over and over, especially on the days that I am having an extra hard day. The words fill me with such sadness and strength, all at the same time and they also remind me that no matter what happens in this life, you have to find a way to go on no matter how much things hurt.

I’ll never forget the day that I got the phone call about Simi. It was from a friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to very much so I remember thinking it was so strange she was calling. She started with the small talk. Your brothers were so little, I was pregnant with you. I was at home, just doing everyday mommy things. “Maya, Simi died.” said the voice on the end of the phone. “What do you mean? When? I don’t understand!” I could no longer understand what was being said. I set the phone down. I was trying my best to wrap my head about the news I was given but it seemed absolutely ridiculous to me. Not possible. Not this girl. They must have Simi mistaken for someone else. Not this girl, who was had such a presence and more beauty, personality, and fire then I had ever seen in another human being on this planet. It couldn’t be her. She could not just be gone. I called my mom, crying. “Mom. Tell me it’s not true!” My mom too, had to heard the news. “I’m sorry. I just heard today.” Fuck! I hung up. I spent the rest of the day, taking care of your brothers and thinking about Simi, of course. But it was her parents that I could not get out of my head. I had never in my life witnessed two parents that loved their child, more than the two of them and vise versa. She was their whole world. They were her whole world. How will they survive this? How will they go on? What will they do, without their daughter? The thought of this was so unfathomable to me, that I was left thinking that they just wouldn’t. That nobody survives something like this.

I went back to Washington for the funeral. I sat through it and I remember it all felt like a dream to me. I remember being so aware of having you in my tummy as I think I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant with you. I remember thinking, “How is this possible. How can I be sitting here with this life inside of me and my friend, is in a casket in front of me?” I left after the funeral was over, still not being able to wrap my head around any of it. I left Simi’s funeral and went back to my life in Arizona thinking about a reality that was so awful, but of course it would never be mine, right? How naive I was. I went back with a heavy heart and it was so obvious to me that the entire universe had changed without Simi here anymore to fill it with a sparkle that only existed in the world, due to her. The first holiday, without her I remember being really sad. It was New Years Eve and all I could do was sit at a table and cry. There was no celebrating and your daddy was respectful of that. It was a somber holiday to say the least. I clearly remember thinking though, “I feel sad? Think about how her parent’s feel. My sadness is only a sliver of what they are feeling.” Once again, it was so unfathomable to me, that I could not even imagine their pain. The New Year’s holiday after Simi being gone was never anything we really ever celebrated again. It just seemed stupid to me as she passed away on January 1st and her parents always weighed heavy on my mind.

I took the loss of Simi and continued on with our life, being extra grateful that I had your daddy and 3 healthy boys. I swear she has always been a big part of the reason that I wear my lipgloss brighter (even before you died) listened to my music louder, ran further, and loved harder than I ever had in my life, due to just knowing her. She made everyone around her feel like they could rule the world because, well.. why not? Limits didn’t exist and her free spirit soul was infectious to be around. She was unlike anyone on this earth. Then you got sick, Ro baby. And then you died. And since you have died, I seem to think about Simi a lot more than I used to. I think about what she would be doing if she were still her. I picture her face all the time. Her gorgeous smile and the most insanely beautiful red hair that there ever was. I wonder if the two of you, are together and if you are, I know you are having the time of your life. The two of you are probably giving everyone a run for their money, with your beauty and spitfire souls combined. It’s obvious you are doing the best you can, to give us the strength to go on in this life down here. I am trying to hard to continue to just breathe some days.

I sent Simi’s mom a text last week asking if she was in town and if she wanted to get coffee. She said she was and we made a plan to meet up. I went to her house today. As soon as she opened the door, my eyes were full of tears. “You look so much like Simi. Your eyes. So beautiful.” We hugged tightly the way only bereaved parents can do to one another. Hugs that are filled with so much pain, that you can psychically feel it when embracing. We sat and talked for hours. Time quickly slipped away after catching up, crying, drying eyes, memories and a little laughter, but not much today. It was a hard day, but there was comfort there too. The mother that I thought, would never survive the loss her daughter, because NOBODY survives that, right? She has survived it and has the scars and battle wounds to prove it. But you know what else she has, Ronan? That same sparkle in her eyes that reminds me so much of you. The sparkle in her eyes, that are filled with so much pain, is still there. The sparkle that only the most special people seem to have in this world. You know what a sucker I am for those sparkly eyed people in this world. They are a rare and special breed. Simi had it, too. I’ll never forget her sparkle for as long as I live.

You know what else, Ronan? The mama that I thought, would never survive losing you, has survived too. I won’t ever be better from this. I won’t ever be o.k. from this. I won’t ever get over this. All I can say is up to this point is, I have survived this. I am a fighter and a survivor and I will always be your mama. Forever and always. Just me and you, right baby? I’ll never forget how we used to say that to each other. I miss your squeaky little voice so much.

I’m going to end this here tonight. I’m not going to lie, I had a really hard time writing this. I struggled with the words a lot. I think it is because there are no words good enough to describe the beauty that Simi possessed. And there are no words awful enough to describe how empty this world is without her. I wish that these words  never had to be written because she should still be here and so should you. It should not be this way. Life is short, precious and a lot less beautiful without the two of you in it. I’ll never in my life understand any of this.

I miss you, I love you and I am so very sorry. I hope you are safe. Give Simi a smooch from me. I love you both.

xoxo

What makes a person just up and crack? Because I think if anyone is entitled to, it’s me.

 

 

Ronan. I woke up this morning to the awful news of the shooting that happened in Colorado, during the new Batman movie. WTF is going on in the world? My heart is heavy for all those people who lost their loved ones due to some senseless act of… I don’t even know what to call it. Senseless act of nonsense I guess. Or senseless act of fuckwad fuckery might be even better. What in the world must be going through someone’s mind, to do such a thing? Do they have a dead child? Are they so angry/hurt/sad/defeated/lost/broken and so full of extreme pain all day everyday that they finally just crack one day? Well I am. And to do such a thing would never even cross my freaking mind. I don’t think there is any reasoning behind this madness. A mental illness perhaps? I don’t see any other answer, but I guess we will just wait and see. All I know is that kid, made a fucking choice to hurt so many innocent people. And all for what? All for nothing. Why can’t people like this, get cancer and die before they have the time to plot and scheme to do such a thing. Why didn’t that kid get cancer and die instead of you? Yeah, I said it. Fucking asshole. I am glad he didn’t die. Do you know what I wish? Instead of letting him get off by putting him in some prison somewhere, let’s put him in his own private cell and hook him up to chemo treatments for the next 50 years of his life. Let’s put him through chemo, radiation, a stem cell transplant or two, over and over again. That would be the ultimate punishment, without a doubt.

Your brothers were dying to see the new Batman movie today. They knew what happened at the theatre, before I did. We had a long talk about it. I felt weird taking them to the movie… but I did. I still feel weird about it. How could I possibly sit in a theatre, to watch a movie when all these people’s lives have been shattered? It seemed morally wrong. I did it anyway. I don’t feel good about my choice… but it was one I made today, for the sake of your brothers and honestly, I wanted to get lost in the world of something else for a couple of hours. Movies aren’t easy for me to watch but today, I forced myself to sit through this one. I could not stop thinking about all the parent’s who will now know what it like to have a dead child. Something a parent should never have to know. I’m so sorry to all of them. I had a breakdown in the shower today, for all of them. I had a breakdown, much of the day. There were a lot of tears shed today. Sometimes I truly do think you were too beautiful for this ugly world. It is ugly, Ronan. Things like this unnecessary tragedy, proves it. There is not explaining or justifying this. It is unjustifiable, just like all these kids getting cancer and dying from it. Just like your death. No reason or answer for such things, will ever be good enough.

Today, I hung out with your Nana. I stayed at her cafe for a bit while she closed it up. I talked to the group of men that come in for their coffee, right before she closes. So sweet. They all know all about you. Everyone does. They all told me how proud you would be of me. One of them told me, he was worried about me, until he saw me in person. Because after seeing me, he knows that I am going to be alright. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but it made me smile. I told him thank you. That I was trying my best which was all I could do. A girl came into get some of your bracelets. You know how much I love meeting your little lovies. I went over to her and introduced myself. She was so sweet. We talked for a while. She was having a hard time, holding back her tears. It didn’t take long before we were both crying and I embraced this stranger, for a hug. I am always thankful how it seems that you are inspiring a whole world of people, who never even knew you. It truly does warm my heart.

Do you know that I miss you every second of every single day? That it makes me so sad during the times that I am teaching your brother really important things about life, that you are not here to take part in this too? Here are my examples for the day, Ronan. The 3 of us were driving in the car today. A super important life lesson was learned. We had the radio on, of course. That Quinn of your is so obsessed with music that it makes me smile. A Tom Petty song came on that he hadn’t heard before. I squealed with excitement. But he went to change the station. I quickly said, “Nooooo! You cannot change the station. It’s a Tom Petty song! Rule number one in the car, boys… NEVER CHANGE THE STATION WHEN A TOM PETTY SONG IS ON!” They both laughed. Stevie Nicks came on next so they were also schooled in the amazingness of her as well. Very important life lessons indeed. Here is my other funny story. I was playing the game Life with the two of them the other day. It came to my turn and I had to stop to get married. I looked at your brothers and said, “I’d like a wife, please.” They both giggled and Liam handed me a pink lady, to ride in my car with me. We continued to play and at one point, Liam knocked my car over and my little peeps fell out. Quinn goes, “Move, Liam! I’m trying to put mom’s wife back in the car!” I thought this was so cute, so funny, and so very sweet. I felt proud of your brothers who are being raised to learn that love comes in all forms and it does not matter your race, sexuality, or what anyone else thinks. It was a proud mama moment, to say the least. I am sorry you are not here to learn these things, too. Somedays, this still doesn’t feel real to me. A lot of days, I pretend that you are still here with us. It helps me to get though the days that still seem to drag on.

That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today was much of the same. We all slept in and played outside. Your brothers really wanted to go to Derrick’s baseball game tonight. The thought of this gave me major anxiety. A packed baseball game… lots of people…I don’t do well in crowds. I gave myself a big pep talk. “Come on, Maya. It means so much to Liam and Quinn. You can do this, for them.” I really did want to see Derrick play too. You would be so proud of him. He’s grown up so much that it kills me! I remember when that boy was your brothers age. Your brothers have always idolized him. You loved him, too. I’m sad you didn’t get to see his amazing catch that has been all over ESPN. He should have won that ESPY award; he was totally robbed. He had another great catch tonight that made me smile. Your brothers had the best time and I did alright myself. I sat in my little space surrounded by your brothers, Papa Jim, your Auntie Cindy, Uncle Tim and Derrick’s darling girlfriend. I missed you so much. You would have loved the game. You were always so crazy about baseball.

I might end this here, now. I’m sad. I’m tired. I miss your daddy. I miss you even more though. I always will. I will always miss you, more than anybody else in this whole big wide world. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Cancer is a whore. My friend, Robyn, told me so.

 

Ronan. I am tired. Living this life without you is exhausting. I hardly remember the days when I used to think you wore me out due to your never-ending energy. I used to think taking care of you was a lot of work. Well, let me assure you, taking care of a dead child is 100 times more exhausting. It is 100 times more exhausting than the temper tantrums, throwing up, crying, teaching, arguing, potty training, bathing, feeding, reading, singing, playing, snotty noses, laughing, loving, and all the other beautiful things that come with raising a child. Taking care of a dead child is 24 hours of pure and non-stop torture that on days like today, leaves me feeling more exhausted than running a fucking marathon.

We are still in Washington. I do well here. It’s no secret. My heart is not in AZ. I won’t live there forever. There will come a day when I will leave. Your daddy knows this. He is on board with this. He will go wherever we decide to go, as a family. I’ve already thrown out a few places as options. It’s a decision we have both made. My heart does not belong in that state. It never has. I have only a couple of things keeping me there, as of now. But those couple of things mean too much to me to leave. As long as they are there, I will stay there. I’m not saying what or who they are, but I know you know. Because you’ve always known. Right now, we are there because it is where we need to be. Because right now it is what is best for Liam and Quinn. I can put myself aside for the sake of the two of them for the time being. I can sacrifice myself for those boys’ no questions asked. But Phoenix leaves me feeling restless and chaotic. The only peace I get is when I am hiking up a mountain in 110 degree weather. That tells me right there, that there is a problem. I know what my main problem is… that being not having you anymore. But Phoenix only seems to add fuel to the fire. I can make due for now. I can be thankful that we have your Nana’s house to come to so that I can have a little peace and quiet. I can be thankful for things like rainy summer days, scratches from sticker bushes, muddy feet from exploring the never-ending rivers/streams/ponds that surround us… I can be thankful that your brothers have this place to come to, to experience childhood the way it should be. Simple, calm, and beautiful. You don’t get much more beautiful than this state. I have always thought so. It makes the 8 months of rain, totally worth it. But I am also a big fan of the rain so I may be biased. I am an even bigger fan now because I feel like my body and soul are in a constant state of rain due to all of my tears. It’s nice to not wake up to the blinding freaking sun every single day. The mornings here are damp and foggy. The air is clean. The sun comes out just in time to kiss my lips for a few hours and then it goes back to sleep. My heaven.

I’ve been doing a lot of playing with your brothers. So much playing that we are all 3 falling into bed and we hardly have the energy to say goodnight to one another and you, before it’s lights out. That never happens in AZ. It’s been a constant stream of baseball, board games, swinging, basketball, and Papa time. That Papa time is my favorite time of all. Your papa and I took Liam and Quinn to Mount St. Helen’s yesterday. The world that I watch Liam and Quinn slip into around him is magical. It’s one of my favorite places to be. The laugher and adventures are endless. He is the youngest 72-year-old that I have ever known. It’s like I’m watching 3 kids play whenever I am with him. He was one of your best friends and vise versa. He misses you so much. Yesterday, when we stopped to explore a little bit, we were throwing some rocks into the water. There were a ton of sticks and wood pieces floating around. The kind that you used to make your papa load the back of his truck up with. “More papa, more!” you used to yell to him. We would always bring home 10-20 pieces of wood and sticks for you. Your papa found a really good one yesterday and said, “I’d better get this one, for Ronie.” “Ronie, Ronie, Macaroni!” he would often sing to you. I just looked at him and said thank you. What I really meant was thank you for being the best step-dad ever. For being the best papa ever. For being the best friend to my 3 boys. For never forgetting you, Ronie, and for never being afraid to talk about you, sometimes like you are still here. I know how hard this has been for him. He loves you so much. He would have traded places with you, in a heartbeat. I know he is constantly asking himself why you and not him. We all are baby boy; we all are.

I think about you all the time. I told your Sparkly that I swore I think about you, 24 hours a day. He said he knew. I know he knows this because he thinks of you everyday too. He misses you. I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, trying to give myself some peace of mind which won’t ever happen, but I need just a sliver of it, to get me through this. For me to say that I 100% know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing is something I am not willing to eat up on a plate of bullshit. Hello! Am I the only crazy one out there, who will admit this?!! NOBODY REALLY KNOWS where you are, Ro baby. WTF! I can fully respect what people believe… but I am so tired of hearing, “Oh, hello… I am 100% sure of where Ronan is. He is safe and happy and he is where he should be. ” Fuck off people. That is not the right way to approach me. Why don’t you just be honest and say, “Oh, hello… I don’t 100% know where Ronan is, but this is what I believe.” Thank you. I can deal with the “I believe part.” I don’t have a problem with the “I believe part.” I won’t even tell you to fuck off. I will politely smile and tell you thank you, instead. I just want some freaking honesty. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. Unless you are officially hanging out in heaven, with Ronan, dancing on clouds and then you get to come back here and tell me about it, and put it on a DVD for me to watch…. I am not going to 100% be sure of anything. That’s honest. That’s real. It fucking sucks but I am not willing to sugar coat the life and death of my child just because it makes other people comfortable.

I know what I think I believe. I know what I think I don’t believe. I know that I am still learning and growing, but no matter how angry I get, I still have a shred of faith that I hold on to. It’s dear to me no matter how different or how out of the norm it is. I don’t like normal. I grew up with a dad who used to mediate on top of compost piles. Is that weird? Maybe to some. It wasn’t weird to me. It was his way of teaching me to love nature and the world around us, but mostly to connect to ourselves, our hearts and our spirituality. I know that my beliefs are ever-changing and ever-growing. What I believe today, may not be the same, tomorrow. I find that fascinating and it makes me proud that I have the strength to question everything out there when I could easily just believe in it all, instead. If I want to question if the sky is blue and the grass is green, that is my business. Nobody has the right to try to take that away from me. Not even God himself.

I found a picture of you today, Ronie. I don’t know if I’ve ever called you, Ronie, on here, P.S. Which is weird… because I used to call you that all of the time. Anyway, it was your preschool picture. The one where I can vividly recall the day so well which is unusual for me due to not having much of a memory anymore. You are so beautiful. I put you in one of your favorite orange shirts. Your hair almost matched it in the picture as the color of your hair was so unusual. A copper color almost. Blonder in the summer, but copper was the true color of that mop of hair of yours. I stared at that picture for a long time, before tears sprang to my eyes. I sent a couple of text messages to Dr. JoRo and to my new friend, Robyn. I haven’t really talked about Robyn yet because it just hasn’t been the right time. It’s only been within the last few weeks that we have started to get to know each other. Even though we have more in common than I would like. We both have dead babies thanks to that fuckwad, Neuroblastoma. We met at the NB conference in Austin, Texas. We went out afterwords as a group and I quietly sat back and watched this girl who continued to crack up the entire table with her witty comebacks, smart mouth and silent gun shooting laughter (because she says no sound comes out when she laughs so she shoots guns with her hands instead) Ummmm… who is this girl and can I please be her friend? I got to know her story a bit. I later learned that she not only has one dead child, but two as she had twins after her son, Ezra, and one of them, Price, died due to complications from a very early delivery. It took me a while to wrap my head around this. Wait, two dead babies? Her? Not possible. Not this drop dead gorgeous, funny, young thing sitting right in front of me. Not this gorgeous creature who looks like she is about 19, but has the pain in her eyes of someone who is 3 times her age. But she looks happy. And she can laugh and be carefree and funny! All of the voices in my head were saying, “Whoa. What’s wrong with you? This girl is alright. This girl can function in the normal world. And she has 2 dead babies! Why can’t you?” I left Texas being totally intrigued by this Little Miss Robyn thing. Our friendship has now developed over a series of Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Texting love. I told her that it had to be the two of you, you and Ezra, who are the one’s making our friendship blossom. Because you know we can help each other, through this. I truly think this is the case. Now that I’ve gotten to know Robyn a little better, I can see that she still hurts so badly from losing her babies. That I know she thinks about them as much as I do you. That will never change. Things will never be alright or better. They are just different. And somedays, different can be o.k. and you can still smile and laugh, but the pain never fades away. As she puts it, it moves from your skin to your bones. It never goes away. I sent Robyn that text below tonight. She called cancer, a whore! I told you we were meant to be friends!

I think we are going to make a good team, me, you, your daddy, Robyn, Ezra and her husband, Kyle. I kind of think that Neuroblastoma, doesn’t really stand a chance. I am sorry that any of us have to know this life. I wish it wasn’t this way. Robyn says to tell you, “Hey,” though. Thank both you and Ezra, for helping us find each other. Please be sure to get into some trouble together. I’ll bet you are the best of friends.

I’m ending this novel here tonight, Ro baby. Much to say still but my eyes are red, blurry and sleepy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am always so sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy. And of course it is now pouring down rain with a side of extra angry, thunder and lightening. Thank you. I hate being apart from you, just as much as you do.

xoxo

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Of course your Nana didn’t leave your name off of the treehouse.

Ronan. I have to live the rest of my life without the touch of your little hand, without hearing your sweet giggles, without getting lost in your piercing blue eyes. Somedays this makes me extremely sad. Somedays this makes me super bitter. Today, I found myself not crying, but looking at all the people around me and going why do you get to live and he doesn’t? He would have been such a good person. He would have made this world so much more beautiful. Who lives and who dies and who decides??? And why??? I’ll never have the answers to these questions. These thoughts fill my head at the most random moments. Today it was while walking through the local Walmart to pick up some water. I was thinking these thoughts then I get the other little voice in my head that says, “You are a bad person for thinking that your son deserved to live, yet this jack off who is yelling at his 8 kids, should die.” I quickly tell that little voice to fuck off, because I am just being honest and any mother would feel this way. If I can’t be honest in my head, than I can’t be honest anywhere. Thoughts like this leave me feeling restless and I often feel trapped in my own head or like a hamster that is running around on that freaking spinning wheel, going nowhere and never knowing when to stop. Love that never-ending cycle of grief/shame/resentment/guilt/sadness that I cannot seem to escape.

Today, I tried to get lost in the world of your brothers. I think I faked it really well. I played baseball with them for a few hours today. I pretended not to be looking for you everywhere, waiting to see you up next to bat. I took them to lunch. We went to see the new, “Ice Age,” move which you know destroyed me. That was one of your favorites. You loved that Scrat character so much. After the movie, we came home and played more baseball. I headed out to meet our Bri Bri for a quick run around the lake. It felt good to get out there and run. I haven’t been running much in AZ due to not being motivated to do so in the brutal heat. I’d rather hike instead. I’ve been saving my running for this Washington trip. It’s one of my favorite places to run from everything in my head that I cannot seem to escape. I didn’t escape anything today, but I got to spend a little time with my sissy which is always a treat. I miss her. I know you do, too.

I heard another story today about a maybe cancer faker in this very real and sad cancer world that I know all too well. I cannot even get upset about it tonight because anybody that would do such a thing… well, they are trapped in a hell of their own that I cannot even fathom. My normal self would be swearing up and down in my head, my blood would be boiling… but I don’t even have words tonight for somebody that would do such a thing. I am in a peaceful place and for once, I refuse to give into to the evil of the world around me and let it ruin the quietness that I am feeling tonight. Tonight, I don’t feel spicy or angry or like swearing like a truck driver. I am calm, tired, and listening to your brothers sleeping soundly is giving me comfort that I need to listen to for once.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I left my Ambien back in Phoenix. I don’t miss it. I slept well last night as I always seems to do here. The fresh air is good for me. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I went down to your treehouse with your brothers. Someone (I think your Nana) had painted little individual signs with all of your names on them to attach to the front of the treehouse wall. The door to the tree house was open as I was examining the names that hung above. My stomach dropped and I yelled to your brothers, “Why isn’t Ronan’s name up there?!” I almost started to cry. Liam yelled down to me, “It is mom. It’s on the front of the door, see.” There it was. In purple of course. I felt bad. Of course your Nana would not leave your name off of the tree house. Of course your Nana would not, not include you, just because you are not here. This is the same Nana, that had presents wrapped and underneath the Christmas Tree for you this year. She would NEVER leave you out just because you are not here. I cannot believe even for a second, that I thought she would. She includes you in everything that she does, every single day. She would never sweep you under the rug and pretend that you didn’t exist. She would never take you out of the equation. All she has to do is look at me and I know she is thinking about you. It’s painful to see but I am so thankful to know.

I have a lot more to tell you tonight all of a sudden. But I am too tired to continue on. It’s late little bug. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. They both refuse to sleep in their room here and are tucked away in bed, with me. I don’t mind; I only wish you were crammed in between us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

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The Darkest of Days and a Summer Storm

Ronan. I am o.k. with the dark places I have to go to once in a while. They are a part of my life now and I choose to face them, head on when they happen. They are awful, they are scary, but there is no avoiding them. This past week I’ve been living in them, but still somewhat functioning. I know my frienemy, Ambien, does not help with my mental well-being. I’ve been so great about not having to take anything to sleep for the past month, until 2 days ago, I threw in the towel both nights because I was in a bad place and just wanted some sleep. Let me tell you, the reproductions of Ambien are not worth it for me. My body/mind does not handle mind altering medications well at all. I have spent the past few days in such a hangover fog that I could hardly form a thought. Yesterday, was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Your brothers went to basketball camp and stayed the night with your Mimi and Papa as they have not seen them for a while. This left me with the entire day to myself which you know I hate. It would not be this way, if you were here. You would have been with me, like you always were, yelling at me from your car seat, trying to get me to roll down your window so you could do something naughty like throw a Gatorade bottle out of it, or smearing whatever it is you could find, all over every inch of the car. I would have laughed, told you that was not nice and tried to discipline you, but you know I secretly loved whatever little shenanigans you were up to. It was always something.

I came home yesterday, to an empty house. A quiet house. I opened my computer to try to catch up on some emails, do some foundation things, etc… It wasn’t happening. I sat here and sobbed while sending Rita text message after text message which were codes for, “Hey, I’m not o.k. and I don’t know what to do.” I sent Stacy a text message as well and asked her if she could use her secret spy connections to get me a really good hotel rate for the night as I could not take being in my house for the day/night/your empty bedroom was too much. In a blink of an eye, it was done and I fled our house without looking back. I checked into the hotel that is maybe a mile away, but to me it felt like I was in another world. Anything was better than our house yesterday. I sent your daddy a message and told him where I was and asked him to pack a bag so we could stay at our home away from home for the night. He said sure thing, and he would meet me there in a few hours. He asked if where I wanted to go for dinner. I told him I didn’t care but I wasn’t capable of making a decision. He kept throwing out options but nothing was sounding good. We finally agreed on a place and I peeled myself out of bed a couple of hours later to run out so he could pick me up. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, AZ88. The restaurant that we kind of fell in love at as we used to frequent it all the time back when we were just dating and had no real responsibilities in life. We were just two young kids, who were crazy about each other and everything was so perfect, fun and good. It feels like that world never existed now. It feels like a fantasy world I made up in my head as now I am so caught up in the pain of this, that the happy memories of what once was, don’t really exist. I wasn’t in a talking mood last night. I was STARVING as it had been a few days since I had eaten. I just wanted to sit quietly and eat my food. Not much fun for your poor daddy, I know. But sometimes I am just so far in my head, in this grief space, that I cannot pull myself out of it. And if anybody else tries to get me out of it, off with their head I go. I was just about to take a bite of my sandwich when your daddy started talking about you. The “where do you think he is talk.” I just looked at him. The tears started to pool in my eyes. My throat tightened up and I thought I was going to start choking on my sandwich right then and there. I set my sandwich down. “Please. I can’t do this, tonight. I am starving. I just wanted to actually get a meal into my stomach. That’s it. Nothing more tonight. I can’t do more, tonight.” Your daddy apologized. He said he was sorry. That he can’t really talk about you, with anyone else, because nobody else really understands, but me. I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. I sometimes think I am the worlds biggest asshole. Well, after cancer that is. I pushed my sandwich away. Appetite gone. The waitress came over after your Daddy’s food disappeared. “Is there something wrong with your sandwich?” she asked. “No. Not at all, thank you. I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was.” insert fake smile here. Goodbye AZ88. I love you, but I might have to break up with you for a while. I came back to our room and threw up whatever little food I had in my stomach. I passed out cold after that. I woke up around 11:00 to some crazy thunder and lightning storm. Your daddy was still awake. I rolled over. Watched the lighting, listened to the rain, and fell back into a deep sleep, with a smile on my face. You always know when I need a storm, the most.

I had planned on driving up to Sedona the next day to see Dr. Jo. I got a late start on the road as it was 10:00 before I headed out. She sent me a text saying if it was going to be too rushed of a day, that she could meet me in Phoenix on Friday morning for a bit. Your daddy and I had a dinner planned with a friend for that evening so I was going to have to leave Sedona kind of early, to make it back in time. I told her nope, that I was already on the road and desperately needed to get out of Phoenix for the day and that the drive would be good for me. It always is. Of course I blared my music all the way up. Lots of Foster the People, Florence and The Machine, Neil Young, Red Hot Chili Peppers… the usual suspects kept me company. I got to Jo’s house and embraced my mama/sister/mentor/friend/soul mate that she has become. It had been over a month since I had seen her. Way too long. We caught up at her kitchen table. A few minutes later, we looked outside. It had started pouring rain and we watched the storm roll in. We both smiled. “Let’s go sit on the porch,” she said. We sat outside on her swing and let our legs get soaking wet while we swung and caught up. We went inside to make some tea and returned to outside to one of my favorite places in the world. The view of the red rock mountains surrounding her house are to die for. “I told Dave you were coming up today and that you would bring the rain with you. We have not had rain in forever up here.” I smiled and told her just to call me the Rain Goddess from now on. It really does blow my mind how when I am having a really hard time, I swear you know and bring me the rain just to make me smile for a few hours. Our cosmic connection I suppose. I’ll take it. I love it. My dinner date ended up getting canceled which meant I didn’t end up having to rush back to Phoenix. I stayed up in Sedona all day with Dr. Jo and we went for a walk/hike in the rain to grab some lunch. It was a good day. Sedona and Dr. JoRo are good for my soul. It is about the only time I feel peaceful in this fucking fucked up beyond fuckery of a world that is now mine.

Alright baby doll. I’m going to end this here; I have a ton of stuff to get done. Miss you much. Love you always. I hope you are safe. I am so, so very sorry.

xoxo

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If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a full marathon, without training for it.

Ronan. Headache. Can’t sleep. Usual insomnia. Liam is still not feeling well. He has some nasty little bug that is going around his school. He stayed with your Mimi and Papa today and is staying with them tonight. He’s contagious and I feel like can sometimes use the break from Quinny. I had some things to get done today and had an appt. with Dr. R for your daddy and I, then Quinn had his time with her as well. It was really good for him. She is really good for Quinn. He really clicks with her and she makes it safe for him to talk about you. They worked on a collage about you today. It’s not finished, but they cut out a some pictures from some magazines. Quinn picked out some things that reminded him of you. So far, he has a picture of an alligator, from that time we went to Disneyland and went on the jungle cruise. He found an add for Phoenix Children’s Hospital and had that on there. He also cut out a star and the word, Cancer. FUCK. This is so not fair. This is so not right that your little brother, gets to sit in a therapist’s office, and cut out the word, Cancer, because his little brother, died from it. I know that nothing will make this right, Ronan. But I also know that your brothers need to be talking to someone other than us and I feel like Dr. R, is a really good fit. I have not taken Liam yet because I wanted to get Quinny settled first. He will go as well. I think this can only be a good thing, for the both of them. For all of us.

I hiked today. It was hot. Around 90 but I didn’t really notice. I never do. Nothing is hot enough/hard enough/hurts badly enough. I know what real pain feels like. It does not come in the form of Inferno Hiking. I found the little gift that somebody left for me at the bottom of the trail. I am assuming it was for me. It was at the bottom of my trail, very strategically placed. Sadly, I cannot accept your little gift. Or maybe sadly for you, but not for me. I am fine with saying, gee… thanks but no thanks. I have my own Roligion, to follow. See photos below:

I left you some Ronan bracelets instead. This was the nice version of what I decided to do today. The not so nice version, was not very pretty. I am actually very proud of my self-control. I am actually proud that my anger did not take over. It made me laugh instead. I needed that after coming out of MY church today, drenched in sweat. I felt better after I went to my church and talked to my Ro. I do not need a book to tell me how to do that. Why haven’t people figured that out by now? Why does the Bible/Jesus thing keep getting pushed on me? I do not like when things are shoved down my throat so just stop. I’m never going to get on board with that book of make-believe. That is what it is to ME and if that offends you, then so be it. I am not here to tell people what is real or what is not because the bottom line is, obviously I JUST DO NOT KNOW. All I know is it does not work for me. If it works for you, great! If it works for you, that makes me happy! More power to you! I have my own beliefs and this is enough for me. It is more than enough. I will get through this, with my OWN book, in my OWN church, with my OWN beliefs. I am proud of what they are and honestly, I am still learning, so I am proud of that too. They are changing and I can feel my own spirituality growing. I am o.k. with marching to my own beat. I am sorry if you are not, but that is not something I can control. It is disrespectful to push your religious beliefs on another, especially when they are grieving. An opinion is one thing. I can be respectful of opinions, but pushing is not o.k. It makes me sick to my stomach. So just stop. I will find my own fucking way. Ronan will not let me down. I know this.

Ro baby. Do you know what else happened today? I sat at Dr. R, with your daddy. I was quiet. I had my guard up as I often do in there. I cried a lot. I don’t like to listen to how much we are both hurting. It makes everything 1000 times worse. I don’t like your daddy to hear how much pain I am really in, out loud. It’s much easier for me to keep it to myself. To shut people out. To be totally vulnerable, is so brave. I’m not that brave when it comes to vulnerability. I am a good pushing everyone away. Except for a few people in my life. I have a few people that I don’t push away for some reason. A few is all I really need as of now. I think Dr. R is kind of a loss for what to do with us. Because as I told her, we don’t have normal marital problems. We have one problem and that is a dead child. And how do you fix that? You don’t. You can’t. It is the one problem, that cannot be fixed. As we were getting ready to leave there, we were walking out and she goes, “You should come and run the San Diego Marathon with me, June 3rd.” I just looked at her and said, “I haven’t been running. At all. I haven’t trained in time to run a full marathon.” She then goes, “Well, just do the half, I’m doing the full.” A huge smile fell across my face. Running a marathon, without having trained for it?? “I’m in. I’ll run the marathon with you. Not the half, the full.” She said, “Look what I have to do, to get you to smile.” I left there, smiling alright. I left there and had about 50 different thoughts run through my mind. I ran them all past Rita. I called her and said, “I’m running a full marathon, June 3rd, without training for it. Except I’d like to change the name to, Maya would like to die, so let’s see if running 26.2 miles, will kill her.” She did not like the name of the marathon. We came up with some better one’s instead. We came up with a few really good ones. Like how about, “If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a marathon, without training for it.” Or Maya’s Marathon of Madness. I kind of really like that one. Rita and I came up with some genius ideas tonight to make this, really, really fun. And maybe raise some money in the process as well to get Dr. Mosse’s trail funded. It’s time to start saving some babes. I can totally do this. I have you to push me and I know you can get me through anything. ANYTHING. So, it’s a done deal. I registered tonight. June 3rd, I am running the full marathon in San Diego. I’m excited. Rita and I are going to hash out our plan of action this weekend. Cancer fighting ninja’s in full effect. BRING. IT. ON.

You’re daddy thinks I’m nuts. So does Rita. She called me a lunatic today. I’d agree with her. I’ll be the first to admit it. But it makes me feel spicy. My craziness, reminds me of you. And why not do this? Why not? I have nothing to lose. Not a thing. I think of you, and all that you went through. I think of you, and how you’ll never get to run a marathon. I will run this for you, because I can. Because I am alive so that simply means, I can. I am alive and I am healthy so why the fuck not?? It’s good enough reason for me, Ronan. I don’t have a reason for lame excuses. I want to run this marathon, so I’m going to. End of story. I said after the NYC marathon, that I’d never run another one due to it being so hard. Well, back then, I did not know what real pain felt like. Now I do which is why I know this marathon is not going to be a big deal. I’ve totally got this. Go big or go fucking home, right?? Right.

This is all for tonight. It’s late. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite sweet boy. I miss you so much that at times, I don’t think you were real. I’m sorry for everything.

My very own baby unicorn!!! With a rainbow and everything!!! Fucktards beware!!!

 

Ronan. Remember how I said things were going to get worse, before they got better? As if I thought that things would go from bad, but eventually they would not be so bad. I think I was totally wrong. That is not how this grief thing works at all. It is not a roller coaster from down to up, up, up. It’s a roller coaster of all things crazy, inconsistent, and fucked up. There is no constant up. It is a roller coaster of up, down, up, steady, down, up, and a huge drop off the highest point possible all to come plummeting down, not knowing when you will stop falling. You live in terror that you will not stop falling and you wonder how much further down you will go before you just simply cannot take anymore.

I know what I am capable of. I know that when I’m on top of my game, that I can move mountains. I have no doubt in what I am here to do/will do for you. But I also know when I need a break from all of this fighting/busy work/kicking cancers ass 24/7, even in my sleep. I have not really had a break from this since we returned home from San Diego, last August. I know what is right around the corner. I know what Jo has tried to prepare me for. I have listened to everything she has said, but it’s just now that I am actually feeling her words, as they slowly sink in. They are sinking in, in the deepest way possible. They are sinking in with the reality that today, after deciding a few weeks ago, that I would not like to die… today I told myself I had changed my mind. I’m allowed to do that, right? Today, I decided that I would indeed once again, like to die because I’m just plain tired and everything hurts so badly again. I’ve been walking around in a fog that I cannot seem to lift. I have spent the entire week, trying to be mindful of the way I have been feeling and just letting myself feel it. I have not been overdoing anything, but even a trip to get a passport picture taken, feels like a walk to freaking China.

I have spent a lot of time alone. With the exception of being around your brothers/daddy which feels like a lot of work to me once again. I have hiked for hours upon hours during the day. I have refused to eat as my appetite is once again, gone. Insomnia is only relieved by stupid Ambien the past 3 nights. I’m trying not to give in, tonight. I’m listening to the sound of your sweet brothers, sleeping beside me.

I lost/had my iPhone stolen today. I don’t even care. I only care for the fact that I of course feel like it was my fault. In my fucked up head, normal people without dead kids, don’t get their cell phones stolen. In my fucked up head, this only happened to me because I have a dead kid and I cannot think straight. In my fucked up head, this would have never happened to me, if you were still alive. In my fucked up head, I think all these things, are true.

So, iPhone gone and what’s a girl to do? I don’t really know, but I feel like I will go back to hiding out. I feel like I cannot even muster up the energy to pick up the phone for a while. I’m sorry. I feel the need to up plug from everything as I am fizzling out. No Facebook. No writing. No technology. I don’t like feeling this way but I cannot ignore it. I feel really tired but sleep does not come. I’ve been begging for it all week. I feel like I cannot breathe again. I think I felt like this a few months after losing you. I think it got better for a while, but now it is back and it feels worse than I remember it. I think this is just how life will be from now on. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back. Fall down, get back up. You never stop falling down. You wonder how many times you will be able to pick yourself up. You question your strength, your determination, your worthiness. You question every single thing, about yourself. You spend a lot of the day, fighting with the voices in your head. You spend a lot of the day, crying over the mama word, you will never hear again except for on the video that you watch on your computer of you, over and over again.

Ronan. I think I started that a while ago. I’m not even sure when. I guess on Friday. It’s Monday now. I’m not sure what I’ve done. Just being I guess. Hanging out at home a lot. Not picking up the phone. A lot. Hiding from the world. I’ve been trying to pull my self out of this deep, deep place of grief that I can’t seem to shake. I feel sad all the time Ronan, but I can manage it. I can pull myself out of it, but this has been on going for about a week now. I spent some time with Dr. JoRo. It was good, as always, but I think she is even a bit worried. I had her spend some time with Quinn, to talk about you. We sat outside on the patio and she asked him some questions. He laid on my lap and tried to answer them the best he could. The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes before he got bored and ran inside the house. The diagnoses was: a very happy kid who sometimes gets sad over missing you but thinks he has a good life, mom, dad, and twin brother. And he knows he can talk to us anytime about anything. I just looked at Jo and said, “Look. I’m worried. I don’t want to not deal with this now, and for it to come up in 10 years from now and develop into serious issues.” She looked at me and said something like, “He’s happy, Maya. He’s a good kid. You guys are such great parents, just keep keeping the communication open. What you’re doing, is working.” That lessened my worry a bit. It is almost impossible to really worry about your brothers. That actually worries me a bit 😉 They are such good, kind, smart boys. No discipline problems, grades are awesome, they are so into their baseball and doing so well, they are so respectful and loving… I need you here to shake things up a bit, Ro! It’s all too calm, quiet, and sweet. Nobody is rebelling, nobody is being naughty, nobody is causing trouble. I guess I’m going to have to start stirring some things up, huh. I’ll just tell them Ronan told me to do it;) Nobody could argue with that!

I had a bad day on Friday. A really, really, awful, shitty, motherfucking, fucking bad day. Your daddy. The sweetest of all daddies, knew this. He knows better than to come home with flowers for me anymore. He came home with a small plastic baby unicorn instead. He told me I could carry it around with me to stab all the fucktards with in life. Even that, did not make me laugh…that’s how upset I was. I can laugh about it now, which tells me I’m not as sad as I have been. We had a date night on Saturday night too. I basically spent all Friday/Saturday in bed. By the time Saturday night came about, your daddy practically had to rip me out of our bed to go and eat some food with him. I don’t remember much of the car ride because I was being really quiet and I was crying. I remember telling him how I feared for my sanity. That my head was foggy and I was scared. He quietly told me that he did not fear for my sanity. He complimented me on getting all the laundry done/dishes cleaned up. This made me cry harder. Seriously! This is what you are proud of me for? Getting the laundry done/dishes cleaned up! This has got to be a joke! Those are things in my old life, I could do in my sleep. Now it is such a challenge that it is my big accomplishment of the day?! I would have lost it right then and there if he hadn’t brought up your brothers. About how amazing they are. How great their grades are, how great their sports are, how nice and respectful they are. How we couldn’t ask for better boys. I started to cry harder at this. This makes me so sad. They are the nicest boys, so why them? Why did they have to lose you? The 3 of you, together, was absolutely perfect. It was magical. It was our heaven. I get to dinner with your daddy, I sit across from him, and I pick at my food. I can’t eat. Tears are pouring down my cheeks and I feel like I cannot swallow. Your daddy just looks at me and tells me he’s sorry. What more can he say? Nothing. Sorry is the only thing that makes sense. We drive home and I pass out, without Ambien. I sleep for a solid 8 hours. Sunday rolls around and I tried to do productive things. I cleaned out my closet. I cried a little less but not much.

Monday is here now. Monday was o.k. I cried a lot today but my head felt a little less foggy. We took your brothers to go and watch a baseball game that was being played by a school friend of theirs, older twin brothers. It was nice to sit outside with them and their mom. It was nice to try to escape and unwind a bit. Your brothers had a nice time which I always enjoy, seeing. It makes me smile. Tomorrow, I will see Dr. JoRo before she leaves for about 2 weeks. Not freaking out about that at all (totally freaking out). Tomorrow, I plan on seeing Dr. Jo and then going on a very, very long hike. I’ve got to figure some things out and hiking is where I seem to do it best.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo