A quick little check in because I miss you oh so very much.

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Ronan. Oh, how I miss this little blog so very much.  It makes me so sad not to be writing on here like I used to.  This will always be my first home, my first comfort after a hard day, and where I found my love for writing.  It’s hard to be away from this space that I used to find so much solace in. I cannot seem to keep up with life let alone a blog these days, not to mention this book I’m working on.  And holy shitballs, I totally have forgotten how much work it is to have a new baby.  Things are so freaking busy around here that I feel like my head is going to fly off and just explode.  Oh, and my grief.  I miss being with my grief a.k.a Inferno Fuckwad Bob, so very much. It’s not good for me to not have the time to nurture and sit with my grief the way Dr. Jo has taught me to do.  I promise that I will make some time for it soon.

I can try to sum up what has been going on, but I have no way of remembering everything.  Macy came into town for about a week and it was of course the most beautiful happy/sad/ time.  She was in for work so she got to spend two weekends with us which is always so good for my soul.  We laughed a lot and cried a lot as well.  On one particularly hard Sunday, I found myself curled up in her arms on your bed where I just sobbed for you as the missing you part of all of this never gets easier.  It still sends me into a whirlwind of complete and utter devastation at the drop of a hat.  My time with Macy wasn’t all tears.  We had the BEST time playing with your Poppy Roo and making up ridiculous songs to her like, “My two moms” which was all about the fact that Poppy does indeed, have two moms because if I wasn’t married to your daddy, I would totally marry her;) She is the best wife ever and one of my other little soul mates floating around on this earth.

Poppy came down with a little fever while she was here and we wound up in the waiting room at our pediatricians office where we know we really did look like Poppy’s two mom’s as we were resting each others heads on one another’s while Macy sat and rubbed my arm.  I pretty much wanted to curl up and die when I saw Dr. Campbell exam Poppy and Macy’s eyes fill with tears as she did her routine exam which included the pressing down hard on her belly to make sure there was nothing out of the ordinary there.  Macy knew why she was doing that and there was no stopping her tears from falling.  I just gave her a weak smile as I watched her wipe them away.  We talked about it afterwards and how hard it often is for me to walk back into our pediatricians office without you. Well, it’s always really hard for me to walk back in anywhere we used to go, without you.  Macy watched as I had to fill out the new patient forms updating our family info such as kids’ names, ages, etc… I looked over at Mace and said, “I’m writing Ronan down, too. He is still my child.” Macy just looked at me and said, “Of course you should,” as she gave my hand a little squeeze.

My weeks have been filled with pretty much everything Poppy and just trying to keep up with her.  I truly had forgotten what it is like to have a baby and now a very active baby.  How 10 months already flew by, I do not know.  She is the happiest little thing and it is so beautiful to see.  She is my constant reminder that no matter how hard of a time I truly think I am having, because there still are times that those voices creep into my head and tell me that everything I am doing is wrong… Poppy is proof that I am actually doing alright.  I don’t think she would be such a happy girl if I really were doing as shitty as I sometimes think I am.  I know the weeks that are hardest for me seem to be the weeks that I am not sleeping well.  It’s when my insomnia kicks in that the screaming in my head seems to always be the loudest.  This past week has been alright and I am so thankful for that because if I would have checked in with you last week, I would have told you I had my bags packed to check into an insane asylum.

Your brothers and their never ending sports have been keeping me busy as well, although I give pretty much all of the credit to your daddy who is the one who really keeps them on track with all if it with his coaching of their baseball team, helping out with baseball, and flag football. He is the most amazing basketball coach and has your brothers team ranked #2 in all of Arizona for a fourth grade team.  I know you would be so proud of that and basketball truly seems to have been such a saving grace to your brothers.  It has kept them focused, on track, and it’s almost like a form of therapy for them.  I could not be more proud of their dedication, will and determination.

I’ve been hiking, running, and doing my little Orange Theory Workouts like crazy.  Exercise is still one of the main things that quiets the screaming in my head and gives me just enough of a break to stay sane.  My time at the top of Camelback is always my favorite as it really is the time I feel quietest and closest to you.  The other day while I was sitting on a rock, thinking about you, I had a little hummingbird fly right up to my face.  I grabbed my iPhone thinking there was no way it was going to stay right there long enough for me to get a picture, but it did and I was able to snap the most amazing photo.  It was a moment that I still have not been able to find the words for.  I absolutely know that it was a little sign from you telling me that you are always with me.  On Saturday morning I hiked Camelback with Tricia and Marisa- my two oldest besties from my previous life when you were still here, alive and well.  It has been so long since I have been with the two of them and I cannot tell you how nice it felt.  We had breakfast for Marisa’s birthday and then decided to brave it up Camelback Mountain in the middle of our little Arizona rainy day.  Once we were at the top and had been sitting for a while,   that little hummingbird flew right up to me again.  It gave me goosebumps and chills all at the same time.  I think it was your way of telling me that you were so happy to see me spending time again with my old friends, as you know they are so good for me.  It’s taken me a lot time to be able to get to a place again where I can truly connect with the ones who knew you, loved you, and hurt so badly from losing you.  For a long time the pain of being around them was just too much, but now I feel like I am at a place where I am ready and able to come back.  I am just so thankful that they have both just been standing by for my return.  I have missed them so much and Saturday ended up being the most perfect day.  As soon as we were finishing up our hike, it started pouring down rain.  Marisa said she knew that you made it rain at that perfect time because had it been raining like that as we were climbing down Camelback, one of us would have surly fallen and broken our necks as that mountain is beyond slippery and dangerous when it’s wet.

I am trying to make myself do things that I know make me feel somewhat good because I know the shit storm of May is fast approaching.  Things like buying tickets to upcoming concerts like Lorde and Lana Del Rae, both whom I am so freaking excited for.  Also things like spending time with the ones who I know are best for my soul like our dear Kassie who I spent all of Saturday with watching “Girls” episodes while eating Nutella straight out of the jar. Ummm… excuse me…. but where has this thing called Nutella been all of my life?! It’s like crack in a jar and I might have a problem especially during my nights of insomnia where I always find myself with a spoonful of it in my mouth. It’s the simple things that make me the happiest and I have learned that finding people who truly feed your soul is the best medicine around.  I am very blessed to have the friends that I do, I know this. Your Sparkly was inquiring about my weekend and I told him I had spent Saturday night, cuddled up with my 23-year-old best friend.  He said something like, “How come you love to spend so much time with people who are so much younger than you?” I just laughed and told him I like to hang out with people based on who they are as human beings and age is not a factor.  I like to spend my time with the people who make me think about things, who push me to do better and be better, and who actually somewhat get me – himself included.  I often feel like people get too caught up in this whole age thing in life.  You should just be with the people that make you happiest and Kassie truly makes my heart sing.  I wish so badly you could be here to know her, Ronan.  Sometimes when I’m watching her with your Poppy sister, I close my eyes and pretend it’s you that she is bonding with, kissing on, and loving.  I know that in a way it is and sometimes that even makes me smile.

Alright little man.  I promise to write more later.  So much more I need to tell you/fill you in on but this is all I have time for as of now.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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Read. Listen. And never say these words to someone who has lost a child. I’ve heard them all way too many times.

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http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/

What birthday?? Let’s run a marathon instead, fucker.

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Ronan.  Today didn’t start out extra hard, but that is how it has ended up.  So much has been going on.  Too much, I suppose.  I made it through my birthday as best I could.  It it any surprise that I didn’t feel like celebrating?  I just wanted the day and night to be over as quickly and painlessly as possible.  I didn’t even let your daddy buy me a birthday gift and he is still talking about it, today.  He’s begged me over and over to please let him buy me some pretty earrings.  He knows if he goes out does it himself, I’ll just return them.  Pretty earrings won’t bring you back and that is still all I want.  NEWSFLASH PEOPLE, I STILL WANT MY DEAD SON BACK AND TIME HAS NOT MADE THE YEARNING FOR HIM GO AWAY.  I still beg for him every single day.  So sorry to disappoint some of you who seem to think because of this thing called time, that my wanting my son back will just disappear.  That because Poppy is here, she magically makes all my pain and sadness something of the past.  She doesn’t.  Yes, she brings back such wholesome goodness into our lives, but my pain is still here and just as present as before.  I sat with your Sparkly for a while on my birthday because it’s a tradition of mine now, 4 years in the making.  I sat across from him as he said, “What did I say, to make you cry on your birthday?” as he watched me wipe my eyes from behind my glasses. I told him that it wasn’t anything that he had said, that I just missed you so much and my birthday seemed to make me miss you that much more. He said he knew and how sorry he was and did his usual, I wish he were here, too. I came home and threw myself into bed for a few hours in the middle of the day and woke up to a pillow soaked with tears that I don’t remember crying, but the black mascara was evidence enough that they had been there.  I survived my birthday but birthdays to me will never be the same again as they just make me very, very sad.

After my very unbirthday, I’m not celebrating a thing, I had to get ready for that bitch of a marathon that I said I was running.  I didn’t really train at all except if you count going for some runs here and there, training. In my mind, I train for a mother fucking marathon everyday by just doing life.  I talked our Bri Bri into doing it with me as well.  She didn’t train at all either but I told her at 19 years old, you can do anything in the world, including running 26.2.  We got up that morning in preparation for the day.  I made us a little food, and we whispered in the dark about how excited we were to run this thing.  I took out a Sharpie and did my usual writing of your name everywhere I could.  I told Bri I was going to do her arms and she could do mine for a little extra running motivation.  I wrote, “Ronan” down one arm and of course “F U CANCER” down the other.  I handed her the Sharpie and told her to do my arms next.  I looked down at my arms after she was done.

RONAN was written perfectly on my right arm and I looked down at my left arm to see the word, “FUCKER” written in huge, black letters on my left arm.

“BRI! You wrote “Fucker” on my arm!” My whispers were no longer whispers.

“I know!” she said.  “I thought that’s what you wrote on my arm!”

“No! I wrote F U CANCER!”

We both were doubled over, laughing hysterically for a good five minutes before we could compose ourselves.  There was nothing I could do about it as the sharpie was not coming off and the car that was picking us up to drop us off, had arrived.  I decided just to roll with the word FUCKER down my arm and to see what added fun it might bring to the day.  Besides, cancer is the biggest fucker anyway.

We got downtown to meet up with my dear childhood friend, Laura who came into to town to run the marathon as she actually trained.  I had a sweatshirt on but told her the fucker story anyway to stop her from crying.  It is an emotional thing to do a marathon for the first time, and on top of that add the reason that you are doing it is for your childhood besties, dead son… well, game over.  Laura was officially a wreck but the fucker story definitely made her laugh and I think she had an even better time, calling me fucker throughout the marathon.  So did the spectators on the street.  The entire marathon I heard, “GO FUCKER, GO!!!” or “F U CANCER” or “GO RONAN!” as that is what we had on on the back of our shirts.  I got asked who you were and I always said, “My son.” I didn’t say, “My son who died of cancer,” because to me that is not who you are and I won’t let that define you.  I was doing pretty well in the marathon until about mile 17 and that was pretty much it.  I hit that invisible wall that you hear people in the marathon world, talk about.  I started walking, grabbed a gatorade that a lady was handing out on the side of the wall and chugged that thing like it was the last drink I was ever going to have.  I waited for my friend, Katie to catch up to me where we walked/jogged/begged for the finish line.  Bri met back up with me at mile 21 and somehow, we crossed the marathon line together, holding hands.  I’ve never been more proud of my sissy in my life.  She is such a little badass in training and I am so honored to be showing her the ropes.

I wanted to also take a second on here to thank all of you who supported me in the marathon by donating, volunteering, cheering or running yourselves.  It wasn’t just Ronan I thought about while doing this, but you all as well.  You kept me going when all I wanted to do was take the short cut, call it a day, and run back to my house.  I love you all so much for never giving up on me and for pushing me to do really hard things, just so I can remind myself that I am capable of overcoming all of the odds even on the days were I still do just want to crumble up and die.  You remind me to get back up and fight harder than I ever have before.  So thank you, from the bottom of my heart for keeping me going as I try my hardest to change this for these other kids who deserve so much better than what they are getting tossed their way.

Oh, back to today and how it was a really, really, really fucking hard day.  So hard, that I am too tired to write about it now, Ro baby.  It was just one of those days where I really felt like I had the wind knocked out of me because I just miss you so very much.  I have to get back to this book writing now.  I’ll try to check in with you in a few days.

I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.  Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

Your song for the night. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve done one, Ro baby.

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Obsessed with this song.  It may make me bawl like a baby, but it is so beautiful. Plus, Poppy loves it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Back in AZ with a Birthday to celebrate. Or not.

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Ronan.  We are back home and I am almost done with the whole holiday/celebrations of all things that still feel weird without you. My birthday is Saturday and I promise you I am trying to have a super good attitude about it, but I don’t really feel much like celebrating.  This does not fly with your daddy as all he wants to do is make sure my day is overly the top special.  What is the nicest way to tell him that over the top special to me would be hiding in bed all day, under the covers?  I can’t do that though.  It would break your brothers hearts so I will suck it up and do what is best for them.  I will smile when I blow out my candles and make the same wish I do, every year. The one where I just hope so much that you are alright, safe, and hope that someday, I will see you again.  I will smile for the picture that I know will be taken and I will forever wonder how in the world I can look so happy, in a picture when I feel like I am still so broken, sad and shattered.  It truly is amazing the things we as adults can do to survive such horrific pain.

Washington was all things perfect. Well, almost;) I basically go there and hibernate for the winter.  I feel like I did a lot of sleeping, which I never do well here.  Every night was the same as I would crawl into bed with Poppy and pass out until she woke me up.  Quinn and Liam have their own bedroom there, but they prefer to sleep in my room with me every night in another bed that is in the room.  It’s like a big slumber party and is one of the things in life I love so much.  Every morning when Poppy would wake up and I didn’t want to, Liam would grab her and say, “Mom, do you want me to take her downstairs and play with her so you can sleep a little longer?” Best brother ever and I happily thanked him and told him what a great big brother he was as I snuggled up to Quinn to sleep for another hour or so.  I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, cold weather, or just the comfort of being at home that knocks me out, but it always seems to do so.  I also spent a lot of time running which felt so nice.  I finally feel like I have my running mojo back and it always seems to come back when I am there.  I have a marathon to run in a couple of weeks so I made myself be pretty disciplined with my fake marathon training.  I was pretty consistent with running my standard 3.5 miles just about every night.  I somehow talked Brianna into running this thing with me.  Must be the older sister influence;) She ran with me at home and we even did 7 miles one night which was surprisingly pretty easy.  Her little 19-year-old body will be just fine.

Back in Arizona is hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  The first night we got home I felt like I was sucker punched as I walked through the door to our house without you bouncing behind me.  I handed Poppy to your daddy as he hadn’t seen her in a few days, told him I was exhausted and asked him to please take care of her so I could go to sleep.  I knew the sleep wouldn’t come as all the voices in my head were screaming so loudly.  I haven’t touched anything to sleep in over a year, but that night I needed to just pass out into oblivion for a solid 6 hours so I did.  Oh, how I sometimes miss the days of complete darkness with my old friend, Ambien when the world just quietly slip away.  I had to give up my love for that shit a long time ago due to loving it a little too much, but I think once a year is an o.k. compromise.  Sometimes I just need a night of blackness.  I had warned your daddy, so he was on Poppy duty and was happy to do so as he had missed her so much.

Speaking of Poppy, Ronan. Uhhhh…. remember when I asked you to make her “extra spicy?”  It is too late to give just a bit of that spice back???  What in the world happened to my sweet, cuddly baby girl who just cooed and started sweetly into my eyes all day long?! Now my days are filled with this very wild, strong-willed girl who reminds me of a little boy I once knew so very much.  She has turned into such a little spit fire who is on the go all the time and is constantly babbling, screaming (in a good way) and is into everything.  To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement as I am chasing her around all day and she is only crawling. Imagine what she is going to be like once she starts to walk!  You know I am loving every second of it and so are your daddy and brothers.  She is full on obsessed with your daddy, too.  In a way that I really don’t remember any of you boys being.  If we are in a room together with her, she wants your daddy over me.  I secretly love it as it is amazing to see the bond between a father and a daughter.  It’s all so new to us all but so beyond sweet.  Your daddy is in total heaven about it.

Alright little man, this is all the update I can do for tonight.  Back to writing this book I go.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xx

Introducing…

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http://www.littlesealtimes.com/front-page.html

The Little Seal Times! We get so busy around here, but are trying to do our best to keep you updated on foundation things.  We are getting ready to fund some really amazing things, thanks to ALL of you!!! Please check out our newsletter which will be updated monthly.

Thank you for your continued love and support!

xx

For all of you out of state peeps…

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You all are the sweetest for wanting to send stuff.  Thank you so much!!

If you would like to contribute to the Candy Cart, you can send your items to our P.O. Box.  The address is:

P.O.Box 44935

Phoenix, Arizona

85064-4935

 

For all my Arizona peeps…

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These 2 “elfs” are requesting unwrapped gifts for The Ronan Thompson Foundation Candy Cart. If you visit Garage Boutique for Kids, Nove’, or High Point this holiday season, please bring in an unwrapped toy to receive 15% off your entire purchase.  These toys will be used for Ronan’s Candy Cart when we visit Phoenix Children’s Hospital.

Thank you and happy shopping!!!

xx

 

 

 

An 8 month birthday and 31 month death-i-versary. F U 31 months.

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Ronan.  Thanksgiving is over.  There was no Macegiving this year, as our sweet Macy that saves us on every holiday, could not swing coming in.  She was heartbroken about it, as were we.  We all missed her so very much, but we will be seeing her soon in January which we cannot wait for.  Of course I got all crazy trying to make a plan for Macegiving, without Macy.  After a lot of panicking in my head, crying, and thinking how can I possibly do another holiday without you? I aborted freak out mission in my head.  I made a different plan instead and it was called, “Stop putting so much pressure on yourself because it’s just another day.”  I gathered my thoughts and took some time to think about what this Thanksgiving/Macegiving/Fucksgiving meant to us as a family.  I talked to your daddy about what he wanted to do and what I was wanting to do and we came up with the most non-stressful, no pressure plan ever.  I knew that I wanted to go to Phoenix Children’s Hospital that day for a couple of hours to take around your candy cart, so I gathered up some of my best “homies” and that is what we did.  The hospital was packed, unfortunately.  I was hoping it would have been empty on this holiday as it’s so hard to be stuck in a hospital on any day, but Thanksgiving day just seems extra unfair.  I was glad to be there and it felt good to make so many kids/parents/siblings smile.  Doing the candy cart and handing out gifts is really what got me through the day.  We then came home to a super low-key Thanksgiving that wasn’t so bad and it almost just felt like another day.  We hung out, ate, watched football, and had ice-cream cake for Brianna’s birthday.  You were of course, were missed by us all.

Things seem to be moving at an incredible rate and not slowing down any time soon.  Some how, your Poppy sister is 8 months old today.  How in the world did that happen?  She is getting to be so much fun and your daddy has started calling her, “The Honey Badger” because of the way she is so determined about everything in life.  She is already so feisty and fun and has keeps us laughing a lot.  She has been so good for us all, Ro.  Your brothers absolutely adore her and she has brought back such a positive energy to our entire family.  Needless to say, I don’t know what we would do without her and I am so very thankful for this little gift you have given us.  I’ve said it before, but she truly has helped to save not only my life, but my soul.  Tomorrow, also makes 31 months without you and I still don’t know how that is possible either.  The fact that 3 years without you is approaching soon still leaves me breathless with the hugest pit in my stomach that I am starting to really believe will never go away.

I’ve also been having a really hard time writing this book.  So much so that the other day, I had a full on break down about it.  I’ve been writing a ton, Ronan, but that is it.  Only writing and not feeling a thing, while writing.  Uh, that has not been good for me at all.  Part of the reason I am doing this book is because I have certain things I need to feel while writing as it has become my form of therapy. I’ve been feeling numb and stuck, which has been leaving me frustrated beyond belief. The other night when I was in the middle of one of my pity parties to your Sparkly, I totally lost it and was about to the point where I was not sure what to do or how to fix this problem.  I took a little time out, had a long talk with you and what you would want from all of this, and all of a sudden it all became so clear to me.  I sat down, printed out all of my words and announced to our entire house hold, “I’m starting over on this book.” Liam and Quinn were like, “WHAT?! You can’t start over! Look at all you’ve written!” Your daddy chimed in, “Boys, sometimes that is what happens and we need to just be supportive of your mom.”  I started writing right then and there and I cannot seem to stop.  Finally, it feels right and I am so excited about the way I am doing this.  I am basically just using everything I had written out, as a road map to help me guide me along.  I’m also taking a little advice from my new pal, Ernest Hemingway who says, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.”  That is precisely what I am doing, all while keeping you right here with me.  Thanks for the good pep talk the other night, little man.  I really needed it. Now, back to book writing I go.  I’m sorry for the short update, but late at night is the only time I really get to sit down and write, so I have to focus on this book.

I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.  Sweet dreams, best friend.

xoxo

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Did I mention I’m running another marathon without training?!?! Here is my shameless plug.

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https://fundly.com/run-for-ronan

https://www.facebook.com/theronanthompsonfoundation

This time last week, we posted a thank you for sharing Ronan’s story and getting over 40,000 followers for our page. We asked if people would consider donating to our current campaign, the Rock N Roll marathon challenge. You guys came through for us, donating over $1,000.

But we still have a long way to go in order to get to $100,000. And we only have a short time in which to reach that goal.

Today we are asking for people to sponsor Maya. Yes, that zany girl is doing another marathon with NO TRAINING! She says if Ronan and these kids can go through horrific cancer treatments, she can certainly run a marathon without training. And if she can run 26.2 miles with no training (not long after giving birth, no less)…I think we should sponsor her and get her to her personal fundraising goal of $10,000!

We are not asking anyone to give who isn’t able to. We are only asking that you consider doing what you can. If you can skip a couple Starbucks and donate $10, we love you. If you’re independently wealthy and can sponsor $10,000 without blinking…we love you AND we’re a little jealous.

To sponsor Maya directly, please donate to her fundraising page:
https://fundly.com/m2/run-for-ronan

Unfortunately the minimum donation is $10 and we could not get it lowered. But if you think “only” $10 won’t do anything, please reconsider! If only 25% of our followers here gave $10, that would fund our entire $100,000 campaign. We need you to help us raise this money for desperately necessary research toward pediatric cancer. We are so thankful for all of you and we know that once again, you will come through for us.

Perks! Everyone loves perks!
Anyone sponsoring Maya will get their name on a special page on our site highlighting Maya’s sponsorship team!

A randomly chosen person who makes a sponsorship pledge for Maya today will also get a video thanks from her and a special thank you gift.