A death day and an almost birthday

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Ronan. We made it through your death day the best we could. I didn’t sleep much the night before and I even had my alarm set to go off during the time that you passed away, just so I could be awake. I didn’t need the alarm because your Poppy sister woke me up almost exactly at the time you left this earth; because she wanted to eat. Of course she did, right Ro? Poppy knows what’s up. I did a lot of my crying the day before you passed away, a lot of it the night before, and still a lot of it on the awful day itself. I picked up the phone on your death day for the one person that promised to call and the one person that I would pick up for. Your Sparkly. I started crying as soon as I saw his name pop up on my screen. I let him do what he does best which is say a few things to help me get through the day. I didn’t say much, just quietly cried instead and told him I loved him. Not many words were needed by either of us.

We spent a quiet day in Sedona together by the river and in the woods. We had a little lunch and an early dinner. At one point, your Daddy and Liam ran into the store while Quinn, Poppy and I waited in the car. Quinn was changing the music in my car and a mixed C.D. that I had made, came on. The first song being, “Ronan.” He seemed so excited about it. “Oh! I haven’t heard this song in forever!” I just smiled at him and told myself to let it play while I sat in the back seat next to Poppy. It only took about 5 seconds of listening to that sweet voice and those oh so powerful lyrics before I lost it completely. Full on could not breathe, sobbing, as I wiped tear after tear away. I am still amazed at how Taylor did the most beautiful job at capturing my grief in such a way that it leaves me breathless every time I listen to your song. I love it so much, but it is so hard for me to get through. Quinn just watched as I cried, bent his head down, and held my hand. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get through that song without crying. I could see every single word play out in my head like a real life movie except it’s not a movie, it’s my life and it never gets any easier.

Once we were back to our hotel and the sun was setting, we all headed down to the creek with our 6 purple balloons and a Sharpie pen. We all took turns writing on our balloons. I’m sure it was quite the sight the 5 of us, all huddled together, writing our thoughts to you. At first Quinn only wrote a couple of things. It went a little something like this:

“I miss you, Ronan.¬†I love you to the moon and back.”

But then he said, “Wait! I need to write more!” It ended up being a novel for as much of a novel that would fit on one purple balloon. He said some other things that I tried to read out loud, but I started choking on my tears as I read his words.

“I wish you were here. I was really looking forward to watching you grow up and play baseball and basketball. I miss you.”

Liam’s words went a little something like this:

“Ro Ro. I miss you. I am so proud of you. You are so strong. I love you.”

Your daddy wrote his words, I wrote mine, and Poppy wrote hers;). We went down to where there was a clearing in the sky from the trees and let our balloons go. Only Liam’s made it out of the trees. The rest of ours got caught up in the branches above. Liam was jumping up and down in excitement as if it were a competition. It made us all laugh through our tears. I’m sure you giggled, too.

We had to come back from Sedona on Friday because your brothers had a basketball tournament to play in on Saturday. It was the playoffs for the YMCA team that your Daddy has been coaching them on. If they ended up winning, they would play again that night for a chance to go to the finals and play next week at the Phoenix Suns arena. They won the first game. After it was over, we ended up taking your brothers and 3 of their friends/teammates out for pizza. It’s these happy moments that I see through your brothers eyes that keep me going. We all sat there together at a table full of boys and we gave them a pep talk about their upcoming game. There were a lot of laughs and the talking was non stop. I am blown away at your brothers and so thankful for what respectful boys they are. Not only them, Ronan but the little group of friends they have made as well. The table was full of please’s, thank you’s, Yes, Mr. Thompson, No, Mrs. Thompson, all coming from a group of 9 year olds. At one point your daddy looked at me and said, “How much would Ronan have loved all the boys’ friends?” So much, Ronan. They are the nicest boys, the hardest little workers, and just so respectful. I know you would have been in the middle of them, causing your little mischief and they would have eaten it up with a spoon.

Your brothers won both games today, Ronan. I looked at them before their last game and said, “Do this for Ro,” as I gave them both knuckles. They both smiled at me and said that they would. I sat back tonight and watched as your brothers played their hearts out and I know it was all for you. Liam had 19 of our 22 points. They were both on fire and so determined to play in the finals. I love watching them play this game so much. I love watching your Daddy coach them. He is amazing at he and is the reason they have become such good little players. He works so hard with them to make them the best players that they can be. It makes me so proud of all 3 of them. I remember how when you were so little and so freakishly coordinated at such a young age how your daddy would talk about how he couldn’t wait to coach your teams. You would have been such an amazing athlete. Our mini Pat Tillman as we used to say. I’m sorry buddy. So very sorry.

It’s late. As soon as your brothers game ended we headed home to get our things so we could head to Tucson. We didn’t want to spend your birthday tomorrow sitting around our house being sad. So, we are taking your brothers to a resort that has one of the biggest water slides in all of Arizona. We will let them run around and be crazy for you tomorrow. Tomorrow we will all do our best to celebrate you by doing something you would have loved. Your brothers are very excited about doing this for you. I will do my best to put on my bravest smile to get through the day. I have a feeling your little sister will help me out. She seems to have a knack for this already. She is already helping me so much just by being here and making me feel like I have a tiny piece of you back. Thank you so much for her, Ro.

Happy almost 6th birthday my spicy little monkey. I love you so much. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mum’s out there. I hope you have a beautiful day tomorrow and I know you all know how lucky you are. Please don’t ever forget that.

To all of my mom’s out there who are in my shoes…I know tomorrow will be rough and for that, I am so sorry. I wish you a day full of gentleness to just get through the day. Just getting through the day is something to be proud of. Here is a little lesson I have learned after going through something like this. Days like tomorrow will never get any easier. Ever. So on a day like Mother’s Day when it is supposed to be all about us, take this one day and stop trying to please other people. Take this one day and acknowledge your grief, don’t apologize for it, and do what it is that would make you the most happy on this day. For me, tomorrow isn’t about me and that makes me happy. I would much rather just spend the day celebrating my Ronan through the eyes of Liam, Quinn, and Poppy with my amazing husband. And you know what?? If tomorrow comes and I decide that I can’t get out of bed and do a thing, I know I am surrounded by the people who love me most in the world and they will be o.k. with that. I have learned that surrounding yourself with people who have no expectations of you, is the best way to get through these holidays that are so bloody hard now.

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That beautiful day your sister was born

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Ronan. I know I’m supposed to sleep when your Poppy sister sleeps, but even early in these morning hours, I just can’t seem to do so. It doesn’t matter the lack of sleep I’m getting due to breast-feeding her, holding her, or obsessively watching her sleep because I’m scared she’s just going to up and stop breathing. I think at this point I’m just running off adrenalin and that’s o.k. Sleep stopped being my friend a long time ago.

So, do you want to hear the story about the day your sister was born? I know you already know it, but I’ll recap it for those who don’t. The last few weeks of my pregnancy I was miserable. Miserable in a way that I found myself begging day after day for your sister to finally get here. You know I’m not a good pregnant person at all and those last few weeks, I was beyond done both mentally and physically. Dr. Schwartz was well aware of this too which is why I got her to agree to strip my membranes to try to jump start my labor the same way she did with me for you. I went into her office on a Tuesday and she did this for me to try to get things rolling. It didn’t work. I went back to her on Thursday and once again she stripped away and I left her office hoping that your baby sister would make her entrance into the world soon; just like the way you did after I had this done. I ended up going to the hospital due to having some bleeding and pretty bad contractions had started up as well. I thought it was going to be go time, but as the night went on, the contractions stopped. I had to stay the night at the hospital so they could monitor me, but I was released the very next day. As you can imagine, I was out of my mind upset. I may be a patient person about most things in life, but the end of a pregnancy is not one of them. I also had myself convinced that Poppy was for sure going to be born dead or was never going to come out at all because clearly I had made her up in my deranged head. Once home I pretty much stayed in bed the entire weekend, not wanting to talk to or see anyone. If there was ever a time that I was “depressed,” in my life, you could say the last few week of pregnancy were it for me.

On Sunday night around 10 p.m. just as your daddy came to bed to go to sleep, I was huffing and puffing about how miserable I was and how I hated the world so I got up to do my late night laundry that I have become accustomed to. Just as I was cursing the pregnancy gods from above, I noticed a little drip, drip, drip running down my legs. I walked down the hallway and the puddle continued to slowly trickle out of me. I went in to our bedroom and said to your daddy, “I think my water just broke.” He jumped out of bed all panicked and told me to grab my stuff so we could rush to the hospital. I told him, “No way. I have to shower first. This could take forever and I’m not bringing Poppy into this world until I shower and shave my legs.” I calmly got showered, dressed, and off to the hospital we went. We were admitted right away and Dr. Schwartz was called. She ordered the hospital to start pitocin for me to get things to progress and little faster as I was still only about 4 cm dilated. By this time it was about midnight and I geared up for the night while your daddy quietly slept away on the couch. My contractions started to get pretty bad and the epidural could not have come soon enough. I could not get a hold of Dr. JoRo who was back up in Sedona as she had been with me in the hospital all of Thursday night but went home after I was released. My doula, your daddy, was just not cutting it as I screamed at him about the pain/having to feed myself ice chips because he was so tired that he could not stay up. Luckily, I had a really great nurse who helped me through everything while your daddy got his beauty sleep to prepare for the big day. Apparently labor is hard work when you are a dude ūüėČ I was really proud of the self control I contained as it took everything I had not to throw ice chips at your Daddy’s head while he slept away and I sat there cursing away from the pain of the contractions that were getting stronger and closer together.

It was around 5:15 a.m. that I started to push your sister out. I had your blanket on my chest and did my best to remain calm as I said your name over and over in my head. 3 pushes was all it took and your baby sister was plopped in my arms immediately. I was overcome with so many emotions that is was almost as if I couldn’t feel a thing. I just remember staring at her and whispering, “Thank you, Ronan,” in her little ear. She looked up at me with her big wide eyes that I can tell are already full of so much wisdom. Your sister was born at 5:35 a.m., 6 lbs 11 oz, tons of dark hair and oh so perfect in every way. She had one little cry as she entered this world but that is pretty much the only peep she has made. I’ve never seen a more calm or peaceful baby in my life. I spent the next few hours staring at her and in disbelief of how much she looks like you. Your daddy and I cannot get over it. I think I went 48 hours without any sleep at all. My adrenaline was through the roof all I could seem to do was stare at your little sister as I slowly let myself fall in love with her. I needed some time to process everything and needed some time to bond with this new baby girl as you know how bittersweet this is for all of us.

Dr. JoRo arrived at the hospital around 10 a.m. and stayed for much of the day. She left once your brothers arrived to let us have some private time together as a family. It hurt to see your brothers walk through that door without you but it was also such a beautiful moment, too. They were so excited and proud to meet their new baby sister. I think they were also both relieved to see that she was finally here, safe and sound. We kept visitors to a minimum just the way I said we would. I needed everything to be calm and quiet not only for me, but for Poppy as well. As the day went on, I sat and watched out our window as an unexpected rain storm took over the entire valley. It was one that was not predicted but rather it came out of nowhere. I know you are always with me, Ro but this storm on the day your Poppy sister was born just proves it to me even more. It was such an amazing thing to witness like it was our own little secret. You are such a little spicy monkey boy and I spent much of the day smiling as I watched the rain pour down out of nowhere.

Our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came by both days that I was at the hospital. The first day he just popped in to take a peek at his new goddaughter and the second day he came for a little longer to sit with me and check in with me to see how I was doing/handling all of this. He told me how I was such a natural at being a mom. I smiled and told him I knew, that this was the easy part for me. I told him how proud you would be to have him as the godfather of your baby sister and how I knew that you would have picked him and only him for this as he is the only one special enough to do so. He will be the best at watching over your baby sister for me just like the way he helped to watch over you whenever he could do so. I know you would be so happy about this. I am so honored to have him play this role in your sister’s life. It makes all of this that much more special.

We were released from the hospital 24 hours later and it took us this long to decide on your sister’s name. We had originally planned on naming her Ireland Ronan, which I am still so in love with but for some reason, it just didn’t feel right anymore. Your daddy and I went back and fourth about her name, forever. I just could not part with Poppy. I didn’t want it to be a nickname or an afterthought. It had come to mean too much to me to just let it go. Your daddy threw in a few curveballs and suggested some names like Sophia and Alexandria, both of which I love, but this baby has been Poppy since she was 5 weeks in the womb. Nothing else felt right. Your daddy and I sealed the deal with Poppy Ronan with a kiss on the lips and a smile in our hearts. I know her name would be Ronan approved. I think you would have loved it so very much. It makes me smile and it makes me happy. Poppy Ronan Thompson sounds like the sweetest thing ever and it just seems to fit her little face.

We have been home now and are all doing just fine. I didn’t spiral into that postpartum depression like everybody was freaking out about and worrying that I would. I have been a little quiet and have not seen too many people but that is not due to depression. It’s just due to the four of us trying to enjoy our quiet time with your sister and soak this all in. I’ve been staying at home with her and just trying to let myself bond with her the way that I need to. I wondered how this was all going to feel… having a new little life around to take care of. I wondered if that hole in my heart would disappear due to your Poppy sister being born. I have come to find out this is not the case and will never be the case. I feel like my heart has grown and gotten bigger, but the hole there will always remain. Nobody can fill it as it’s not meant to be filled. It is there to remind me every single day of how much I love you, how much I will always love you, and how much this will forever hurt as your absence in this world is the most painful thing that I have ever felt. This hole in my heart will remain there for the rest of my life. The birth of your sister has proven this. If she can’t fix this, it was not meant to be fixed no matter how much love I feel in this life without you here. I will live with this hole in my heart for the rest of my life and I can be o.k. with this. I am learning to be o.k. living like this. It makes me stronger and makes me work harder at everything I do. I will let my pain do great things in this life to make you proud.

Alright my little man. I am going to go. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful sister. Thank you for getting her here safe and sound. I promise to be the best mama in the world to her and teach her all about you. I can’t wait to learn from her the things I know you have already taught her. You are the best big brother in the world. We all love and miss you so much. I’m so sorry that you are not here with us. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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Baseball, Brisket and Marriage Equality for all!

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Ronan. I think time is standing still. At least that’s how it feels to me. Maybe it’s because I’m having to take things easy now that your Poppy sister is almost here. Maybe it’s grief. Or a combination of both. I remember things feeling this way right after you passed away for the first 6 months or so. It feels like this once again. I wake up, do the things I need to do, but life feels really empty right now. Nothing feels good. I’m exhausted. I can hardly make it through the day and normal things like keeping up on the laundry, dishes, and feeding your sweet brothers, feels really, really hard. I’m sure this mostly has to do with my pregnancy coming to an end but still, it’s mentally wearing me down. Then there is still the issue with your bedroom. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe it really happened and all of your things are out of there, being cleaned, refinished, your clothes are in bins, your stuffed animals in bags. I still am in shock over it all. I never thought I would let that day happen. Your daddy asked what I wanted to do with the clothes in your closet. I made him leave them there. I still like to touch them and smell them, even though they smell nothing like your sweet little scent. I still take whiffs of them whenever I can, hoping to be reminded of a sweet memory of when they were last worn by you.

I saw Dr. Schwartz today. Everything is progressing well, but I seriously feel like this pregnancy is never going to come to an end. I have it in my head that Poppy is just going to stay inside of me forever as I sometimes still do not think she is real. I honestly don’t think I will fully be able to truly absorb what is happening until I have her in my arms. We talked about everything from Cord Blood Banking, postpartum depression to the whooping-cough vaccine she made your daddy get today. She told us that she doesn’t want anybody around Poppy who has not had the T-dap vaccine as she has been seeing babies die from being exposed. Great. Add that to my list of things to worry about. Liam and Quinn had it with their regular immunizations so they are fine. I had to call your Nana to tell her she needed to get hers before she comes out here. Dr. Schwartz is just being extra careful which is good, but it still makes me nervous. Then there is the whole postpartum depression thing. We sat and had a conversation for a good 20 minutes about this. I told her I honestly wasn’t worried about it. I’ve never had it with my other kids and if I am depressed at all, it’s during this pregnancy¬†-the here and now as being pregnant is keeping me from being able to do everything that helps me not to be depressed/consumed by my grief (which is not depression it’s just grief!) Mainly my exercising. Once your Poppy sister is here, I will be able to start to have my outlets again and they won’t consist of me resting in bed, which I fucking HATE, but instead will consist of going out and doing my hikes/runs/anything to get the adrenaline flowing. She talked about anti depressants. I told her how that’s not happening as I had taken them before and I swear they made me suicidal. How they just seemed to pile on more grief because I wasn’t dealing with anything and I was just numb. I agreed to let your daddy watch out for me though but still, I think I know myself pretty well. We’ll see if I’m eating my words in a few weeks and if so, I’ll deal with it my way. I sent Dr. Jo a text about this later today. We had a very long conversation which left me laughing at the way she got so riled up over the mention of medication/and postpartum depression vs just plain grief. I love her passion so much.We talked about our plan because we do have one. It’s the same one we’ve always followed. When things get more heavy for me, I see Dr. Jo on a more frequent basis and I’m always honest with her about everything I am feeling. We work through it the way it works for me. No fucking meds required. We talked about my sadness though all of this and how I will face it head on.¬†She knows that Poppy is not just going to appear and BAM! all my sadness will be gone. She expects me to feel waves of happiness and waves of sadness with all of this. That’s just the way my life is always now. Poppy won’t fix it all. As Dr. Jo said, “You are not having Poppy to replace Ronan. You are having Poppy because you wanted another baby. But you need to be prepared for the people that are going to come out and act like this she is the answer to all of your sadness. People want her to fix everything and to take this all away from you but that’s not the reality of this. You need to let people know that the birth of this baby girl, does not diminish your pain or your grief. That she does not take Ronan’s place in your family. Ronan’s place is Ronan’s place and he will always be there.”¬†That is our reality. That will always be our reality and nothing will change that. Not even your beautiful baby sister. I know she is going to help with our sadness, Ronan. But our sadness won’t disappear and I am o.k. with that. I am learning every day to just live with it.

Your daddy has been the one working in your room. I can’t bring myself to do a thing. Thank you for him. I honestly don’t know what I would do without that amazing daddy of yours. I always knew I was so lucky to have him, but going through something like this really makes me realize it that much more. He truly is unlike any other man on this planet. He has taken such good care of all of us in every way since losing you. I know it’s a big reason our family seems to be doing o.k. To have such a strong loving man to hold us all up, makes all the difference in the world. I can’t imagine where our family would be without your daddy. Every single night he talks to you out loud before he goes to bed. It mostly breaks my heart to listen to his words and I often times pretend like I am sleeping because what he says, usually makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t want to listen to what he is saying, because him telling you good night and how much he misses you, leaves me with a pit in my stomach that I will never get used to. I always appreciate this though even though it is so hard for me to hear. He went to a concert tonight. He’s been going to a lot of these things lately. I always encourage it. I will always be the wife that says, “Please, go. Have fun.” I will never be the wife that bitches or complains that he does these things. He deserves the break. He deserves to blow off some steam. He works so hard and takes such good care of us that I am always supportive of your daddy going out and having some fun. It makes me happy to see him doing these things. He is so ridiculously excited for your sister to be here. I cannot wait to see what it’s like for him to have a baby girl. I know it is just going to melt my heart. What a lucky little girl to have a daddy like him. It will be such a beautiful thing for our family.

I made your brothers dinner tonight. I cooked a really great brisket for Passover and talked to your brothers all about this holiday and what it means. It’s is important to me that they know about all religions, not just one or none. I want to teach them about EVERYTHING. I want them to have an open mind and be educated about it all. It was a fun little bonding time tonight where we talked about everything from sports to religion to marriage equality for all. Yes. I talk to my twins about this. I am proud to say that I do as I cannot believe this is even an issue in this day and age. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? Why in the world do I care if my neighbor Bob marries Joe down the street? I don’t. People should be allowed to love who they love, end of story. My boys will grow up knowing this. It’s not our job to judge others or tell others what is right or wrong. It’s not hurting my family, affecting my marriage so GEEZ! Can we please just stop all this madness?! KIDS ARE DYING PEOPLE! Left and right kids are dying from a little thing called cancer yet nobody seems up in arms over this. That to me is pure insanity. People need to get a life and focus on what is really important in the world and it is not over who your neighbor, loves and wants to marry. The ignorance around this is shameful and embarrassing and enough is enough. I have 2 things I am really passionate about in life. 1) Childhood Cancer and 2) Equal rights for all. I won’t ever shut up or shy away from those two things. I was lucky enough in life to have parents who taught me to have an open mind at such an early age and who welcomed a very gay, black man into our world who we loved like our family and whom I was taught was no different from us. I will forever be grateful for my parents for this lesson in life. I will forever be grateful for my parents who let a little girl love a man for who he was, not who society defined him as being. I am a better person for this and my twins will be, too. I would have given ANYTHING for Ronan to grow up and be gay. Or straight. Who cares. At least he would have freaking had the chance to grow up and not die from cancer! Seriously. Where are our priorities?

Alright little man. I’m going to get off my soap box for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. It won’t be much longer now. I love you.

xoxo

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I was never going to be ready for today.

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Ronan. I was not prepared for today. I was not ready for today. But today happened anyway. It started off pretty normal. A normal check up at Dr. Schwartz’s office. I didn’t even have to see her, I just had to sit in a chair for a good 45 minutes so Poppy’s heartbeat and movements could be monitored. Just routine stuff that I’m having to do, twice a week now. It’s always quiet in this room and it’s easy for me to relax and get lost in my thoughts. Today, I thought alright. Of course about you. I was sitting there listening to your sister’s heart beat and she seemed to be moving non stop the entire time. I know she doesn’t have much room and there, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her movements are strong and never seem to stop. I had a flashback to that time I was at Sloan with you. We were back in a room and they had you hooked up to a machine ¬†where we had to listen and track your heart for a couple of hours. I remember being up on the bed with you, holding you and trying to keep you entertained. You soon fell asleep in my arms. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with you but I was silently crying. I remember I was so overcome with emotion over sitting there listening to your little heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and I knew how lucky I was that it was still beating. We didn’t know at this time that your cancer was spreading, but I was just so grateful for your little beating heart. I hated that you were strapped up to a monitor when you should have been just out and about playing like a normal, healthy 3-year-old but I found the beauty in our day, anyway. I’ll never forget that day with you. It sticks out in my mind all the time. Today, listening to your Poppy sister I was taken right back to that day and the tears seemed endless.

I got out of my doctor’s appointment after a couple of hours. They were way behind today and I came home for a sight that I was not ready for. Your daddy and I have talked for a couple of weeks about taking the furniture out of your room to have it refinished to the color that will match Poppy’s crib. I came home to your daddy who had informed me that the people refinishing your things, would be at our house to pick everything up in a few hours. This meant drawers had to be emptied, toys dumped out, clothes moved, stuffed animals pulled out from the storage area under you bed, etc…Your daddy asked if I could empty out your dresser. I started crying and simply just told him, “No.” He did it. He did most of it. By the time the people got to our house your little room had been completely torn apart and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and cry. The lady working with us could not have been sweeter as your daddy had explained our situation to her on the phone so she understood what was going on. She told me how she had some bad luck, too as she lost one of her sons at 17 and also one as an infant. I could hardly get two words out as I was trying my hardest to somewhat control my sobbing. Your daddy was the one who told her he was sorry and did the rest of the talking as I just sat there in a cry fest trance. Your little room that I’m pretty sure I had made up in my mind, would never be touched, has totally been taken apart. I know we are going to put your things back but it still does not make any of this easier.

I sat in your room for a long time today. On one of your mattresses. I sat on the phone and cried to the couple of people I talked to. Thanks, Meg and Stace. I told them both how I was staring at your side of the empty room where your bed once was but now the only thing left there were a few of your Star Wars guys that had clearly fallen off of your bed because you would always insist of sleeping with 50 of them. I texted with Fernanda a bit. She is going to come over tomorrow to help me figure out how we are going to put your room back together while making it Poppy friendly, too. I am lucky to have such good friends who are truly there for me at all times. I am so lucky in that regard and so thankful.

The past couple of days, my emotions have been building up. It was your Sparky’s birthday. I remember his birthday from a couple of years ago when we were in New York. You made me take an extra special picture of you to send to him just for his day. It’s one of my favorite pictures of you, even though your body was all marked up with a Sharpie Pen from your radiation and your little arm was hurting so badly that they tried to make you wear it in a sling which you of course refused to do. The smile on your face was priceless and your eyes were so bright and beautiful as I was taking this picture. They were shining like diamonds. You were so excited to take this picture and send it to him. We called to tell him, “Happy Birthday!!” and I remember you saying this in your squeaky little voice that was full of so much love and happiness. As always, I did my best to try not to be sad on his birthday but I wished more than anything that it was you sitting by my side as I watched your Sparkly open up our gift and two cards. One card from me and one from the both of us. I of course signed your name on the card I picked out from you, to him. You would have liked it and called the card, “cute.” I sat and watched your Sparkly read our words and open our gift. I watched as he chuckled at something while the corners of his eyes got wet. It’s a sight I’m so used to seeing with him. That bittersweet happiness that I know all too well. ¬†I did my best on his day, for you but it was still hard to hold it together without you by my side. I know your Poppy sister will help with things like this when she makes her little entrance into the world. Maybe days like this will become easier and help with the sadness because the happiness I know she is going to make others feel is going to be infectious. Next year it will be nice to have her by my side on days like your Sparkly’s birthday.

I spent much of the day and evening crying. Today was a hard day to get through. I literally went to bed telling myself, “You made it through today and you didn’t die. The pain didn’t kill you.” I’m always so amazed that it doesn’t. The sick joke is I know what I’m waking up to tomorrow and how none of this ever goes away. I don’t get to escape this. I still have to wake up to your totally disassembled bedroom that I said I would never touch. I was never going to be ready for today. You can never be ready for something like this.

I’m tired but restless. Of course, I’m not sleeping well. It’s because of my not sleeping well at night that I’ve noticed that we have this fucking bird outside of our bedroom that seriously sings all day and all night long. I don’t understand this as it’s only something that has started a couple of months ago. What kind of bird, sings all night long? It’s annoying to me and I don’t feel like hearing it’s song. Tweety bird, tweety bird please shut up. Between that and your empty room I’m surprised I’m not outside stalking this bird with my BB gun. That is totally a very Maya Danger thing that would have happened last year when I was in my Danger Baby phase. I’ve been stalking¬†this bird to try to find out where it is hiding but I’ve only been stalking from it from the inside of our house. My body is too tired to truly investigate. Stupid bird.

Time to go, little man. It’s late and I need to try to get a little sleep before I have to start today all over again, tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you, Taylor for what you did tonight. You are such a light that keeps me going even on my hardest of days. I know Ronan is so proud of you for all you are doing. So am I. I love you.

 

Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.
Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

20 months is not a kissing day

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Ronan. Today I woke up knowing it was the 9th. 20 months without you. I hate today so much. Your daddy woke up in the best mood ever. I know this is not true, but in my psychotic mind, it was. He was singing in the shower, Ronan. Singing?!?! Can you believe that one? I was beyond grumpy, hormonal and upset so of course I snapped at your daddy, “Can you please stop singing?! This is not a happy day!” He then made me feel like the biggest jackass ever by saying something really nice like he was just trying to wake himself up and he knows that today is an awful day. He tried to grab me for a kiss before work but I refused to give him one. I told him that today was not a kissing day. Remember the way you used to tell me that? In your grumpy little voice. “It’s not a kissing day, mama!” I always loved all my days with you, kissing or not, so very much.

I had a phone call this morning. I’ve had a lot of phone calls this week with different publishing houses. My agent, Nina, has done an amazing job of getting my proposal into the very best hands. Harper Collins! Random House! Simon & Shuster! St. Martin’s Press! Or as my Fairy Ro Mo said to me, “Nice little Indie Publishing Houses they are. Not! Wow!” I laughed out loud at her when I got that text message. I did not know if I was going to be able to pull it together for this phone call this morning as I was on the verge of tears. Luckily, it could not have went better. I think I cried at the beginning, listening to the woman on the other end of the phone tell me how sorry she was about you, but how moved she was with our story. I loved that she really seemed to get it and connect to you in a way that felt so right. She could not have been more complimentary which is always nice. I did what I always do in these phone calls which is let you guide me while I speak from the heart. I felt really good about it when it ended.

I didn’t have anything super crazy or dangerous to do today, on the 9th fuckwad of a fucking day so I did my best just to get through it. I miss my danger days where I used to take the 9th and do something totally dangerous and fun. Last year at this time, I was jumping out of an airplane. I mainly did it thinking I was going to die and I didn’t care. Once I hit the ground, I realized I didn’t really want to die, but instead I wanted to live my life to the fullest and forever do things that you will never get to do. Skydiving included. That was kind of my wake up call in life. I remember hitting the ground and thinking to myself, “If I can jump out of an airplane, I can do ANYTHING.” I still think this is true. I am so thankful for that experience at that time which totally woke my ass up. And I would do it again in a heartbeat, but something tells me that being almost 7 months pregnant, and skydiving do not go hand in hand.

So for today on my “danger day,” I totally did some rad mom danger things. I had to rent a Mini-Van due to being in a little fender bender a few weeks ago. Totally not my fault by the way. Shout out to the VP of your foundation, Ro, for running into me! I have to LOL at that one. It was a very minor accident and he felt so bad. But I have had the BEST time giving him shit about it. And now I get to rock a very dangerous mini van for the next couple of weeks which will be so very awesome! I also went to buy some new pants today because mine are no longer fitting me. I tried them on in the store and they were such a perfect fit that I of course had to wear them out. I spent all morning walking around with the tags on my butt and back thigh. Everyone in all of Scottsdale/Phoenix is now aware that I am a size 30 in jeans. Holla! If you ask me, that was a very dangerous day indeed.

I am wrapping up this post tonight with a raging headache and a wave of exhaustion hitting me that I have not felt in a while. I think the holidays, traveling, Teddy, you, grief, pregnancy, and going, going, going, non-stop is catching up with me. I might need an early bedtime tonight.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Blessings to you all! Best Ro-Lovies EVER!

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Happiest tears ever! You all just helped me meet my fundraising goal in about 15 minutes. I don’t even have words! Thank you so much! You all inspire me and give me so much strength. The next thing we fund will be for Dr. Giselle Sholler. I am so excited to give her this news as we are hoping to do something for her very soon. Please keep the donations coming in as there is no cap to what can be raised. $1000.00 dollars was the minimum.

Thank you all so much!

xoxo

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/rockandro/rockstar-run

I know what I want to name her…

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Ronan. Ireland Ronan Poppy Thompson is what I want to name your sister. I know I told you I’ve been having a hard time getting super attached to this pregnancy and I know the only reason for that is because of the fear that comes along with it. Not because I love her any less than I love you and your brothers. It’s the fear of death that now comes along with this pregnancy. I’ve never had this fear before, until losing you. Now I worry about it all the time. If I don’t feel your sister kick for a while, I’ll think to myself, “Oh my god, she died.” Good thing I didn’t get too attached, right? Wrong. I am not fooling anyone with this whole trying to protect myself thing. I have been attached since I found out at 5 weeks that she was the size of a Poppy seed. I already have a plan for when I am having her, and I will be induced before 40 weeks because I of course have to get her out before she dies of stillbirth, right? I was induced with Liam and Quinn at 36 1/2 weeks. I had you at 37 1/2 weeks. I know Dr. Schwartz is alright with the plans I am scheming up in my head.

Now that I am feeling your sister kick all of the time and I can feel how strong she is, I am starting to come around. It’s taken me a while, but I can finally decide on a name. Your daddy and I have had the name Ireland picked out since before Liam and Quinn were born. I have always loved it. I think it is so strong, unique, and beautiful. I have to have Poppy in there as well. I cannot give that name up for anything. It has come to mean too much to me and just saying it out loud, makes me smile. We will call her, “Poppy,” even though her first name is Ireland. And eventually, when she is old enough to decide, she can take it upon herself to figure out what she wants to be called in life, but to me, she will always be Poppy. That name will forever remind me that something could make me smile, through my darkest hours, even before your sweet little sister, set foot on this earth. That name will forever remind me of the happiness I can feel again, just by saying the name out loud. What I love even more is hearing other people referring to her, as Poppy.

“How is Poppy today?”

“Is Poppy kicking?”

“Who do you think Poppy will look like?”

Everybody is calling her by this name and I love it so very much. It makes me smile and feel a bit of happiness again. I am so very thankful for your little sister already. I know she is going to help us all so very much. She will bring us back some of the sunshine in our lives that we are all missing so very badly.

Today, we hopped in Papa Jim’s truck and headed up to the Mount St. Helens area to go sledding and play in the snow. This state never fails to leave me breathless. I still think it is one of the most beautiful places on the planet. We found a ton of snow and I watched and snapped pictures as your daddy, your brothers, and Papa Jim spent a couple of hours hiking up a hill to fly back down it on their sleds. I listened to their laughs and soaked up their happiness as much as I could. You would have loved today. If you would have been with us, it would have been absolutely perfect in every way. I took it easy due to my ever growing belly. No sledding for me today although I’m sure I would have been fine but better safe than sorry, right? This whole better safe than sorry thing is slowly killing me. How am I supposed to burn off my grief/anger by having to be so freaking safe all of the time? I hate that I cannot go for my long runs/hikes/ or all of those other things I used to do to help me get through this. I cannot wait for this Poppy girl to be born so I can get back to all of my night runs, etc… I am already planning on running the NYC Marathon in November if I can get in. No training required once again;)

Alright little man. I’m sleepy tonight. I sleep really well here and it’s a nice change from the insomnia I usually deal with back at home. I’m going to take advantage of my sleeping well while I can. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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Holidays suck without you. I will forever just keep trying to survive them.

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Ronan. My eyes¬†are tired¬†from spending most of the day crying. I know, I know, I know. I’m extra sad/hormonal/outta whack these past couple of weeks. I told you grief and pregnancy don’t go hand in hand. Throw the holidays on top of everything and it’s obvious I don’t stand a chance. I’m not fighting my tears, sadness, or pain. I’m not going to run away from it or try to hide it. I’m going to deal with it the best way I know how to by just giving into it. I also know the holidays are extra hard for me¬†which is¬†why I seem more out of sorts than normal. Your Sparky knows this too. I met up with him today for a while so I could spend some time with him before I leave ¬†for the holidays. I made sure to wear my reading glasses to try to hide my very red, puffy, eyes. It didn’t work. He noticed. I can’t get anything past that man.

We talked about a lot of things just as we always do. It felt nice to just sit and be with my dear friend. He always puts me at such ease with his words of wisdom and those sparkly eyes. He is doing a good job of looking after me which is the reason he came into our life in such an impactful way. I know this. We talked about Poppy and how he can’t wait to look after her for me. He said he knows she will be beautiful. I smiled and told him I knew it, too. He said he couldn’t wait¬†to be¬†her Godfather. She is going¬†to be¬†the luckiest little girl ever with him as her Godfather and your Fairy¬†RoMo, as her Godmother. This baby girl is already so very loved. Your Sparkly told me a bunch of things today. How he feels like you are always with him. He made me make him a promise.

“When I die, I want you to take some of Ronan’s ashes and put them with me, o.k.?”

I felt the corners of my eyes get¬†all wet. I looked away from him because it’s a conversation that I hate to have. The thought of him not being here someday, crushes my soul.

“It’s going to happen, someday. I’ll take some of Ro with me. Promise me that.”

“How in the world am I going to get Ronan’s ashes placed with your dead body?” I asked with that perplexed look on my face that I seem to always have because that man always gives me so much to think about.

“Please. I’ve seen all you can do. That will be a piece of cake. Promise me.” he demanded in the most gentle way possible.

“Of course I promise you. Anything for you. You know that.” I said while looking straight into his eyes.

I never break my promises to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It’s one of the reasons I’m still among the living, because he made me promise I would stay here and not die from this pain, by the fate of my own hands.

I’m finally getting a break from that blinding sun that was going to make me crack. We are at your Nana’s for Christmas and there is no place I would rather be in the world. If I have¬†to be¬†somewhere and do this whole Christmas thing, for the sake of your brothers, this is the only place I want¬†to be. Your brothers feel the same way, this is their favorite place in the world. Only is it here that I feel a weight lifted¬†off of¬†all of us. I feel like I can breathe and take a break from my¬†never ending¬†pain. You are everywhere here. You are the comfort in your sweet Nana’s eyes, the laugher of your brothers, and the voice of your Papa Jim who talks endlessly about you. Your nana has your stocking up and her entire Christmas tree¬†is decorated¬†in purple, your favorite color. She was also sure to buy some new Star Wars¬†ornaments¬†this year to put on her tree for you.

It is dark, wet, cold, and rainy. My favorite kind of weather. The kind of weather where I can take a break from my tears, and let the sky do it for me. Your daddy and I went out yesterday and spent the day together while your brothers happily stayed with their best friend, your Papa Jim. It felt nice¬†to be¬†out of the house and running around with your daddy in the rain. I only had one little meltdown, where I something I saw that reminded me so much of you, that the tears started and I just let them roll down my cheeks. Your daddy asked what was wrong. It took me a few minutes to tell him because I was to the point that I was going to cry so hard that I couldn’t talk. I quietly told him what it was that I was so upset about. He just did what he did best and tried to calm me down as best he could. I let it work. I didn’t want to ruin our day with my temper tantrum of, “He should still be here.” We finished up our day together and returned home to your brothers who were still happy as clams to be in the care of your Papa and Nana.

Christmas came and went. I can say I survived. I allowed myself a little time in the morning to cry about not getting to come downstairs and see your beautiful little face, lighting up the entire house. I was hiding under the covers and your daddy came into the room.

“Come on, babe. Everyone is downstairs and waiting.” He said as he gently rubbed my shoulder.

I just continued to lay in the bed and quietly cry. “Where is Ronan?” are the only words I could say.

Your daddy said he wished you were there with us, too. How wrong it was that you were not. I didn’t have a choice. I had to get up and do my best for your brothers. I was not about to ruin their Christmas with my sloppy tears. Gifts¬†were opened. Giggles were heard, but your absence was so very present as it is with everything that we do. I sat back and let your daddy and brothers spoil me like they love to do. They showered me with gifts for this Poppy baby. A new¬†GiGi, to match yours except hers is Pink. I let the “No pink, ever!” rule fly out the window yesterday. Everyone knows pink is not my favorite color, but I can give in every now and again. They got her some little outfits as well since I have not really bought a thing for her. It was very sweet of them to do. Your Sparkly called and did his usual, “I’m not going to tell you Merry Christmas because I know you will tell me not to, so just get through the day…” I appreciated that so much. Get through the day is just what I did. Your brothers seemed happy and that is really all that matters. They opened the gifts that your Nana had for you. Some new Star Wars guys. You would have loved them. I wanted to crumble up and die but I did not. Your Papa Jim had to cover his face in his sweatshirt at the sight of them opening your little gifts. I did my best to look away as he silently cried for a bit. I knew I was going¬†to be¬†next so I pretended to be¬†enamored¬†in Poppy’s gifts. I was not. I felt pretty numb most of the day. I did notice the little hummingbird that flew right up to Nana’s window though, in the middle of a rain storm, with no hummingbird feeder in sight. My little sign of the day from you, I guess. It still doesn’t make this pain, any less.

This is all I can write for now. Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will be. At the end of the day, it is all about survival for me and hiding this pain as best as I can from those sweet brothers of yours. I am so thankful for the help from your daddy, Nana, and Papa Jim. I know there is no way I could have survived this Christmas back in Arizona, in our house, without you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so sorry you can not be with us. It will forever be so very wrong.

xoxo

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Yesterday, I put on some red lipstick and signed a contract.

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Ronan. I am feeling better than I was a few days ago. Today, I’m actually having a day where I don’t feel like dying. I have slept pretty well the past couple of nights so I am thinking that might be helping me out a little. Yesterday, I mostly just rested. As much as I hate the days where I have to take it easy… I know I don’t have a choice with this Poppy baby growing in my belly. My little hospital stint was enough to make me take it easy for a couple of days. It’s not just myself I have to worry about and take care of. I have this little life inside of me as well that I have to keep safe. So for her, I will slow down and listen to my body when I need to.

Guess what?! I can finally talk about one of the many things that I have been working on. I have kept this pretty hush hush mainly because I didn’t want to jinx myself, but now that things are getting started, I am excited to talk about my news. A few months ago, I got a little email that caught my eye. It was from someone named Alex and he wanted to know if I had been approached by anyone about writing a book. He is an author himself, and said he had read my blog and was so very moved by our story. He asked me to reach out to him if this was an idea I was willing to explore. I have been talking about this idea with a few people for a good 8 months. Mainly our Fairy RoMo. We had a long conversation about the whole book thing way back when we hijacked that mystery train to nowhere last winter when I was in NYC. It has been something that has been in the back of my mind for a very long time… but you know me and how I am about reaching out to ask things from people. I fucking hate it. I didn’t want to have to pitch our sell or story to anyone. I felt like the story of you and our love is too precious for me to go around selling. So I didn’t. The funny thing is, I had been working on a proposal to send our Fairy RoMo about 3 days before I was contacted by Alex. I sat and tried to write about us, and why this story deserves to be heard. I got about 2 paragraphs done. It wasn’t coming naturally to me so I just stopped because it wasn’t working. Then, the magical email from Alex appeared. The timing of his email was something that I felt was a little gift from you. There was no other way to explain it. I sent it to our Fairy RoMo. We googled him. He turned out to be really legit in the literary¬†world. I traded emails back and fourth with Alex. We had a phone conversation. I told him I wanted to come out to New York to meet him, just to make sure I liked him if we were going to be working together. I grabbed Stacy to come with me on the trip because I knew I would need an outsiders opinion. We set up a dinner with Alex so we could meet him and get a feel for him. Dinner consisted of me, your Fairy RoMo, Stacy and Alex. We talked about this book and what it could look like. I knew within minutes of meeting Alex, that I really liked him. Stacy and Fairy RoMo felt the same way. We left the dinner excited about what was to come. The next month or so Alex and I worked on putting together a proposal for this book. After a few go’s, it finally got to the point where we felt it was good for others to have a look at. It is really hard to get a literary agent, but because Alex is already established in this world, he put me in contact with the people he knows. They talked to Alex and listened to our story and agreed to take me on as a client.

After going back and forth with them over the contract, finally, I signed it yesterday and I am the newest client of Dupree Miller & Associates. My agent’s name is Nena and from what I can tell, she is just the little spitfire we need on our side. She is very passionate about her job and our story and I know she is going to do a kick ass job at pitching our book. So yesterday, I had a moment of letting myself be proud. I am so hard on myself normally that I don’t allow the proud moments to come very often. Yesterday, I did. This is something I am so excited for and so very proud of. I know this book is going to be so very beautiful and it will only help in raising even more awareness. Now, if we can just get the millions and millions of dollars to create this Neuroblastoma center. I keep telling myself to be patient. But it is so very hard when all¬†these kids are not getting the very best care that they deserve. It is so very hard when I am just having to sit back and watch them die, over and over again. Neuroblastoma is the deadliest of all the childhood cancers. I am not going to sit back and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing about that. I know this can change, if it just got the attention and funds that it so lacks.

What did your Sparkly say to me the other day? I think it went a little something like this.

“I think when you started Ronan’s Foundation, you thought it was something you were only going to do for a short amount of time. You do realize now, that this is the only thing you are going to do for the rest of your life, right? That this is what you were put here to do and you are going to do this until the day you die, right?”

I just looked at him and paused for a minute. “You might be right. I think I maybe had a moment very early on that I thought I would only do this for a short amount of time. I now realize that this is the only thing I am passionate about in life. I wouldn’t still be here pouring all of my blood, sweat and tears into this if I just thought it was going to be a moment in time. This is my entire life now, for the rest of my life. I’m not stopping until I’m dead. Or until cancer is dead, whichever comes first.”

So, back to the book. My hopes are to have it come out in September 2013, just in time for childhood cancer awareness month. But all that depends on a lot of things. I am just so very excited to have this opportunity, even though it is a story I wish I didn’t have to tell. I would give anything to just have you here and not to have a fucking book written about you because you died. But I know this book is going to help a lot of people and it is going to do a lot of good in the world. I promise to tell your story the way it deserves to be told. I promise to make you proud. Thank you, Ro baby, for believing in me and making me continue to write. You fuel my fire for everything I do, say and feel. Thank you for giving me the strength and the courage to be honest about everything I am going through and to not be ashamed of any of it no matter what others may say. Without this blog, none of the amazing things that have come my way, would be happening. I am proud of myself for not being afraid to tell it like it is. That all comes from you because I know the way you lived your life; so very wild and free. You are my inspiration for everything. I love you.

Today, I took Quinn to breakfast. He opened up the little box that I keep in my purse with some of your ashes in it. He asked why we weren’t there when they “burned you.”I answered his question as best I could while vowing to fix all of this. No sibling in the world should have to sit with their mom, before breakfast, touching their baby brothers ashes. Fuck you cancer. You fucked with the wrong mama.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

The Death of a Domestic Goddess

tumblr_medw43k3Ar1qzdeblo1_500Ronan. I don’t sleep well. I know this is not healthy, not good for me or Poppy, but every single night this is how it goes. I fall asleep easily enough for a few hours. Then like clockwork, I am wide awake and cannot fall back asleep. How do you sleep peacefully when you have a dead child? Does anyone? Your daddy seems to. Maybe it’s because I’m your mama, that I don’t. Because my primal maternal instinct just takes over. I feel like a caged animal, searching for you. I wonder if this is how animals at a zoo feel that have been separated from their young. I’ll bet it is pretty similar.

Today, I did a lot of normal things that I don’t really enjoy anymore. Much of them consisted of being domestic. I have a hard time with that in this new life of mine. I did the whole Costco trip which I never do anymore because it give me so much anxiety. Today, I did it with a friend, so it wasn’t so bad. I came home, unloaded groceries, got dinner ready for tonight and finished up all the laundry that needed to be done. The laundry that I used to love to do, but now I loath, due to not getting to wash all of your clothes, too. I picked up your brothers from school. We came home, I made them a snack, we did their homework, etc… I was feeling pretty beat down/tired like I seem to be feeling a lot these days. Grief and pregnancy are not my cup of tea. I had a hard time being pregnant back in my life before knowing what it was like to have a dead child as well as being pregnant, too. Being pregnant with this Poppy girl just seems to make my pain for missing you, much more intense. I am officially a little over halfway in this pregnancy. I wish I could say I felt great, but I don’t. I feel miserable. Tonight, as I was taking a bath I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll survive being pregnant. I think I might die, from hurting so much.” I had a flash of death, like I often do. But then I thought of your brothers of course and that always seems to put me back on track. I know one thing, for sure. I cannot do this again. I cannot have another child, after this. It has all been too painful, and too much. I just need these next 4 months to fly by fast, please. I know I will be alright once Poppy is here, safe and sound. I cannot wait to have a little insomnia buddy to hang out with me;)

I think a lot of my problem is my mind is constantly wound up. I have such a huge to do list in front of me, that my mind is constantly thinking of things to do or that need to be done. The Neuroblastoma Center being at the top of it. Barb from NPR asked me if I thought this center was a reality. I told her without a doubt, it is. She asked me how I was going to get it done. My reply to her was, “I’m not exactly sure. All I know is I have someone very powerful behind me on this, that being Ronan, and I’m just going to follow his lead.” As long as I trust in you, I know this dream will become a reality. Do you know how much I believe in your foundation and what we are doing, Ronan? So much so, that when I was working through the details of where the money was going to go from the song Taylor wrote for you, I made the choice to have everything that came our way from iTunes, go to your foundation. I know I could have used it for our family, for your brothers’ college savings account or Poppy’s new room… but I didn’t. Because I believe that helping to save these kids’ lives, by giving them the best chance possible, is the most important thing in the world. Everything else can wait. These kids cannot and I will not stop trying to fix this world, until it gets drastically better. I know this center will do this. I know what needs to be done, to make these lives a little better for these kids so they don’t feel like they are just another number, the way we often did. I know this is going to take time. I am trying to be as patient as I can. I realize I am dealing with a lot, on top of trying to get this center figured out. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I am doing everything I am doing. But then I remember, I am living without you every single day. There is nothing harder than that.

We are going to see your Nana and Papa for Christmas. That cannot come soon enough. It has been unseasonably hot here and it’s starting to make me really hostile. I need a break from the sun. I need to get to Washington, where I feel like I can actually breathe for a change. I need the rain, the gloom, and the fresh air. I need the safe house I grew up in, with the best parents ever. I need to watch the way your brothers are so happy in the presence of your Nana and Papa and vise versa. I need the love that fills that house and where I feel the most loved. I am counting down the days, already. I know we all are.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow and not getting enough sleep is not going to help me to be productive. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo