Bits and pieces of a chapter because I cannot post it all. But I cannot wait to put this book out into the world finally. Also, these words did not come from my mom. My mom is one of my safe people and always has been.

“How are you holding up, sweetheart?” I felt the touch of _________hand on my shoulder as the breeze of the California coast sent shivers down my spine. Her words feel safe, like I was six years old and ready to climb into my mother’s lap for a gentle bedtime story.

I answered ________’s question in a way that was somewhat honest but not so honest that it made her uncomfortable. I had learned to tailor my pain to meet others’ needs perfectly. “I’m doing ok. I’m doing my best. My eyes started to water as I waited for what I was sure would be the empathetic response I so desperately needed.

“Well, we are all disappointed in how you are handling this.” This being the death of Ronan. I felt my stomach drop to the floor. This no longer felt like the safety of my mother’s lap. Her careless words discombobulated me as I tried to absorb what she had just said. What was I doing that was so wrong? 

___________ words continued as she said, “Your heart is black and ugly, and it’s going to remain that way until you find some peace around this. We are all at peace over what has happened, and the fact that you are not is deeply concerning. We love you and hope you learn to accept that this was God’s plan and that Ronan is where he belongs.”

13 responses to “Bits and pieces of a chapter because I cannot post it all. But I cannot wait to put this book out into the world finally. Also, these words did not come from my mom. My mom is one of my safe people and always has been.”

  1. Yikes is the only word that comes to mind.

  2. I cannot even begin to understand how anyone –
    let alone a family member – can say such words to a grieving parent. The loss of a child is unfathomable. Regardless of beliefs, there is no world where I could be at peace with the loss of any child! I’m so sorry someone said this to you!

  3. Laura Schoen Kotso Avatar
    Laura Schoen Kotso

    OMFG I can’t believe someone said this to you. I remember when it happened you blogged about friends that broke your heart further. I’m soSorry 

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

  4. I have a very dear friend whose son was murdered. People say this to her all the time. Friends, (former now), family, etc. The gall of people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to lose a child cannot even begin to fathom the excruciating pain that these mothers, fathers and siblings go through. They are part of a club that the rest of us never ever want to “join”. And those people who are so incredibly rude, selfish and mean will hopefully someday understand that they are simply horrible, and are only concerned for themselves. Much, much love.

  5. Sue Elam Morrow Avatar
    Sue Elam Morrow

    This is incredibly hurtful and evil. I wish you had never heard it especially from someone close to you.

  6. Jeanie Roland Avatar
    Jeanie Roland

    Heartbreaking to read this. No words the hurt others can do. So sorry.

  7. Sherry Bucalo Avatar
    Sherry Bucalo

    Holy crap, it’s sad when someone tries to project their disfunctions on to you. I just can’t with people like this

  8. Jodie Lee Culverhouse Avatar
    Jodie Lee Culverhouse

    The ONLY place Ronan belongs or belonged is here in earths with his brothers and parents and sweet baby sister. FUCK anyone that ever told you any different. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. My heart hurts for you.

  9. Oh hellllll. I cannot.

    Smh. I’m speechless with so much to fuckin say

  10. Sumaira McCloud Avatar
    Sumaira McCloud

    Okay, I will be buying your book! Also- this is terribly disappointing. People suck. People don’t know how to properly be present for grieving souls. Fuck that person, you never deserved this!!!

  11. That person does not show love. It made my stomach drop too. I do not care about anyone’s idea of how I feel about my son Alex’s death. I’m sorry about your dad’s death. I have seen my dad, my husband and my son together in many dreams and all three of them told me separately that they are with me and watch over me and my family. If you are in Omaha to help your son pack up or need a place to stay please contact me. We could talk all night about our similarities with our boys. Mary

  12. This is not okay. As a Jesus follower, I do NOT believe it is God’s will for anything bad to happen to His children. I don’t know your beliefs but I highly recommend “Why” by Adam Hamilton.
    I hope you’ve set firm boundaries with this person. It’s okay to grieve years and decades later. No one gets to decide that for you but you.
    I am so, so sorry someone would ever say that. Sending all the love.

  13. I cannot fathom someone being so unfeeling towards a mother who lost her precious child. I have an aquaintance that inexplicably lost her son at 7 months old 8 years ago, and though I don’t know her very well, my heart hurts for her whenever I think of her, and I often say a little prayer for her and the incomprehensible weight she carries. I hug my children tighter because of her, and you, and for all the mothers who have lost, or who are afraid of losing (like me). Whoever said those words to you almost don’t seem human to me. They’re just a shallow husk of a person walking and talking in a human suit, but unable to give out or comprehend love… and loss.

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