Ronan. I’m on a plane leaving Arizona because it is almost the day that you died. And three days after that if you were still here, you would be turning 10. So, we packed up like we do every year for these still very painful dates and we are heading to New Orleans to see your New York Miss Macy. Except now I guess it’s New Orleans Miss Macy because she moved there a few months ago. And yes, Ro. She is still my best friend. She is still my saving grace. She is still my sister from another mister. She is still the person we all want to be with during these times. You truly did leave me in the best hands, surrounded by the most amazing souls.
Your Sparkly is still here, being my best friend and letting me know that you are always with me. And the oh so magical Fernanda is out in the world making incredible things happen, all while still loving you and always loving me. Kass is getting ready to have a baby and I get to be the Godmama. She is going to make the BEST mom. And our Little Rach from NYC. Well, I can absolutely say she is not only one of my very best friends/the little sister I never had, but she is doing incredible things with your foundation and if it weren’t for her, I don’t think anything would be getting done. We have another little powerhouse, too. Rainesford. Rach and Raines have been guiding me thought this book writing process. They are the only two in my life who have seen everything I have written. I write, send it to them to look at, clean up, and wait for them to tell me if what I am writing totally sucks or if it is beautiful. If sucks, I redo things. If it is beautiful, I go on. They have been my biggest cheerleaders throughout this entire process and without them this book would not be coming together the way that it finally is. I am getting really close to being done. It has been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Mentally. Emotionally. It’s as if every day I am reliving your death and all that we went through over and over and over. I am so ready to be done and put this book out into the world. It’s time. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is fucking change the world good.
I am so lucky. Even with you gone, even after all we have been through and will always be going through, I still consider myself lucky. For the friends that I have. For the best Nana in the world. For your daddy. For our little family. Your brothers and sister amaze me every day. They make me smile. They hug me when I cry. They all have little parts of them that remind me of you. They truly are such good kids. Your brothers are almost 14 and are giants. They passed me up in height long ago and I’m no shrimp. They still have the sweetest souls, are still playing basketball like crazy and are incredible at it. Your daddy is the best coach and works so hard with their entire team. I know things could have turned out very differently with your brothers after going through such a tragedy. Your daddy and I worked very hard to help them by providing them with a constant supply of love and support. I can honestly say at almost 14 years old, they still love us more than anything and they are happy, well-adjusted kids. Poppy just turned 4. She is obsessed with animals and we threw her the cutest 4th birthday complete with a petting zoo. I had a total meltdown about a week prior to her birthday. The fact that I never got to throw you a 4th birthday party but now I was getting ready to throw your baby sister one and you couldn’t be there for it, just about destroyed me. I did what I needed to do which consisted of my breakdown. I got a couple of pep-talks from our lovies, and I picked myself back up and threw your sister a party you would have loved because she deserves to have parties and a mom who doesn’t become a complete train wreck at every milestone she has. It is such a weird thing though, to know that she is now older than you ever will be. I’ve caught myself a few times referring to you has her baby brother to complete strangers who we have met for the first time either at school functions or sporting events. She talks about you non-stop. She loves to look at your pictures and watch your videos. She tells me all the time things like, “Mom, I feel sad today because I miss Ronan.” I know she misses you. She asks questions all the time about you. Lately about your cancer.
“Mom, how did Ronan get cancer?”
“Mama, how old was Ronan when he died?”
“Mommy, why didn’t the medicine make Ronan better?”
“Mom, why do some people get better from the medicine but some people like Ronan, don’t?”
“Mom, where did Ronan’s hair go?”
Mama, will he ever come back to life, because I want to play with him.”
It’s a never ending revolving door of questions about you. I do my best to explain them in a way that she understands but the crazy thing is, she understands everything. I constantly feel like I’m having conversations with a mini adult. She is so bloody smart. And carefree. And wild. And artistic. And funny. And soulful. And kind. And magical. And strong. And brave. She brought back the little pitter patter of feet running down your hallway. She brought back my heart. Oh, don’t get me wrong… it’s still broken, but it is not shattered into a million pieces like it once was. She helped me realize that it was ok to love fiercely again. To laugh again. To smile more than I cry. She has taught me what happiness feels like and how it is ok to feel happy. She has your laugh, Ro. And she laughs so much. Her teachers at school (P.S. BEST SCHOOL EVER) told me she has the best laugh in class. You have no idea how that makes me smile. It’s like its Poppy’s little way of taking you everywhere with her. I am so lucky to have her. I say this to myself at least 10 times a day. She truly saves my life every day.
Ronan. I hate tomorrow. I am so sorry that you had to leave this earth. Six years later and I can still say that there will never be a reason good enough for this. None of this makes any sense, but it is the way that it is. I have had to learn how to live with the fact that you are gone. I am still not at peace with any of this. I know I never will be. I am o.k. with that. It keeps the fire inside of me alive to keep working to change things. I’ll never stop fighting for you and the unjust world of childhood cancer. I know I’ve been quiet on here, but I promise you I am working harder than ever. I miss writing on here. I miss you.
I need to end this now, Ro so I can try to get your sister to sleep. I cannot believe it’s been six years since I last kissed your little lips. I’m forever sorry. I love you so much. I’ll try to write soon. Once this book is done, I promise to be better at this.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite, little man.