It’s been a while since I’ve done a song of the night for you, Ronan.

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My friend, Ally sent me this tonight because she thought it would make me laugh. She was right. This video is so ridiculous that it is genius. How was I not asked to be in this video? I could have worn my Unicorn mask. Duh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

Thank you, Phoenix Magazine. I am truly honored to be a part of this.

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http://www.phoenixmag.com/best-of-the-valley/201311/maya-thompson—activist-mom/

29 months and I still don’t understand.

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Ronan. I had a MAJOR pity party day. MAJOR. I woke up knowing fully well what day it was. October 9th. 29 months without you. I put on my best face and decided that it was definitely an all black day. I got Poppy ready, your brothers ready, made breakfast, lunches and out the door we went. I dropped your brothers off at school and took Poppy out to run some errands as I was trying to keep myself extra busy today. We were home by 11:00 a.m. Busy day FAIL. This left way too many hours in the day, to get through without losing it. I tried my best to just focus on your baby sister today, but some days everything is just too extra sad; like today. We stayed home and got things done around the house. We played a lot and as of now, she is too little to know that while I am playing with her, I am actually wiping away a river of tears. The loss of you is still too big, too fresh, too painful. Will it always be this way? I am thinking, yes. Time doesn’t heal these wounds, at least not for me.

Your brothers came home and I had Rissy run over here to get pictures of us all in your Spicy Monkey Spirit Hoods so Alexander can finish up his project. It was a wonder I could even put a smile on my face, but I did it for you. After our pictures were done, I knew I was going to explode, so while your brothers went to play basketball, I took Poppy to our mountain. I fucking hiked that thing like it was cancer itself and I was kicking its ass. Actually, I thought of that a-hole Harry Reid, who a couple of weeks ago was asked by a reporter if one child could be helped with cancer, why wouldn’t he do it. I pretended like I was kicking his ass. I’ve been so mad about this for the past week or so. Makes me sick. This sums up in a nutshell, why our world is so screwed up. Because people are so selfish and have such egos and agendas, that kids dying of cancer is not even a glitch on our governments radar. It is so shameful and embarrassing. When are these people going to pull their heads our of their asses and realize that the number one disease killer of kids, deserves some major attention? By not letting these kids go on their clinical trials, you are KILLING them. But thank you, Mr. Harry Reid. You win the douchebag of the year award for being such an insensitive prick. You can read the exchange of words below:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D., Nev.) asked why Senate Democrats would want to fund the National Institutes of Health to “help one child who has cancer” Wednesday when asked that question by CNN reporter Dana Bash.

DANA BASH: You all talked about children with cancer unable to go to clinical trials. The House is presumably going to pass a bill that funds at least the NIH. Given what you’ve said, will you at least pass that? And if not, aren’t you playing the same political games that Republicans are?

HARRY REID: Listen, Sen. Durbin explained that very well, and he did it here, did it on the floor earlier, as did Sen. Schumer. What right did they have to pick and choose what part of government is going to be funded? It’s obvious what’s going on here. You talk about reckless and irresponsible. Wow. What this is all about is Obamacare. They are obsessed. I don’t know what other word I can use. They’re obsessed with this Obamacare. It’s working now and it will continue to work and people will love it more than they do now by far. So they have no right to pick and choose.

BASH: But if you can help one child who has cancer, why wouldn’t you do it?

REID: Why would we want to do that? I have 1,100 people at Nellis Air Force base that are sitting home. They have a few problems of their own. This is — to have someone of your intelligence to suggest such a thing maybe means you’re irresponsible and reckless –

BASH: I’m just asking a question.

So, while I hiked our mountain, I thought about him. I actually thought of a lot of things that I have been so angry about. I’m still angry about your death, most of all, but I have some other fuels in the fire as well. What does one do with all of this anger? Kick a mountains ass of course, while your little Poppy sister strapped on to the front of me. She slept the entire time and once we made it to the top, she only woke up to give me a secret little smile. She knows a lot of things, that Poppy sister of yours. She knows SO many things. After taking out my anger on our mountain, I felt better. I felt calmer on the way down and I was thankful for my alone time to be with my thoughts and with you. Whenever I need a little reminder of how important it is, that I continue on with all that we are trying to do, on our mountain is where you will find me. It always reminds me to get back up from this world of grief that often wants to destroy me. It always reminds me that I won’t be destroyed because I won’t let you down. I’m working so hard to turn this pain into my passion because that is the only way I will be able to live this life now, Ronan. I cannot live in the old world that I used to live in and even when I try to go back, I just end up running as fast as I can, the opposite way. That life is no longer mine to live.

I came home and after a really hard day, I opened up some mail and the new issue of Phoenix Magazine came. They featured me in it as a “Mover and Shaker” of the Vally and called me an “Activist Mom.” At that moment, I felt proud. Thanks, Phoenix Magazine. It was an honor to be featured. The best part of the night though was when your Daddy was reading it out loud and Liam goes, “Or the best mom, period.” That made me cry again for the 50th time today, but they were good tears instead.

Alright little man. It’s past my bedtime. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I hate 29 months without you so much.

xoxo

No “Silent Night” singing to Poppy allowed.

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Ronan. I am currently watching your Poppy sister play in her crib. At almost 6 months old, she has still not spent a night alone. Is that bad? I’m not sure as I had all 3 of you boys in your cribs from pretty much the time that you came home from the hospital. Babies in our beds happened sometimes, but not all the time like we are doing with this Poppy girl. Your daddy has been saying lately that it’s time for Poppy to go in her crib. I do my best, “No way, never happening” rant. It usually goes a little something like this, “Kids who sleep in their cribs, die. I’ve sat in support groups where I’ve heard at least 3 stories of 8 month old babies who just up and die. She’s not going in her crib, to die.” The part about the stories I’ve heard are true, and although I’ll admit I’m being a little dramatic, I’m not about to be separated through the night from your Poppy sister.

My mind never gets to be naïve anymore and I am more than paranoid. Here is another example of how fucked up and crazy it is to live inside of my head. I was out to breakfast with Fernanda and Stacy the other morning and Fernanda was standing up with Poppy, bouncing her to sleep. She started to sing her “Silent Night.” You know, the song I always sang to you, before you got sick. I completely freaked out. “YOU CANNOT SING THAT SONG TO HER! THAT SONG IS JINXED! IT’S THE SONG OF DEATH!” Fernanda and Stacy both just looked at me like I had 8 heads. “Sing her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, like you used to do for Ronan, instead!” Poor Fernanda started singing “Twinkle Twinkle” and Stacy just looked at me and rolled her eyes. I didn’t want to get into the whole song thing, but I remember when you first got sick how I told Tricia and Marisa something crazy about that song. “I always sang him ‘Silent Night.” Is that because he’s going to die and now the nights are going to be silent without him?” They both told me that was not the case, but here we are today. I know “Silent Night,” did not have anything to do with your death, but what if it was the world’s way of telling me you were actually going to die. These are the fun things I get to think about now. No “Silent Night” singing for Poppy allowed.

The Gold Party came and went and I still feel like I am recovering emotionally from it. It was beautiful and sparkly, just the way you would have liked it. I spent the night with my most favorite people, minus a few who couldn’t make it. It truly was such a beautiful night. The night ended with me saying to Stacy and Fernanda, “I feel like Ronan would really want us to jump in the pool.” After a little Stacy magic which meant talking to the amazing W people who were in charge of the event, that is precisely what we did, in our fancy clothes into the pool we went. It was me, Stacy, Fernanda, and your Fairy RoMo. We laughed, swam a lap, and I sat at the end of the pool and cried with Fernanda. I said things like, “I still can’t believe he is gone.” I’ll never get over the shock of this all or come to terms with any of this. This reality never becomes any easier no matter how much time passes by. Everything hurts just as much, Ronan. But in that pool swimming laughing/crying moment, I still felt so thankful for all the beautiful people you have put in our lives. I am a lucky, lucky girl in that regard.

I’m doing my best here, but sometimes everything I am doing, takes a toll. Besides just how much I miss you, I really miss just being able to be a mom and that’s it. I am in a constant state of feeling like I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. I am about to scream, “TIME OUT!!” and run away to New York. I know that is not the answer, but sometimes I wish it were that easy. I’ve been getting a lot of emails about this blog and my not writing as much. A lot of you are worried and asking questions like, “Is this the end of the blog, because you are not updating it as much!” I don’t think I will ever stop writing this blog, but it is going to have to go on the back burner for a while as my book writing, running a foundation, and being a mom to a new baby, takes up any free time that I may have. It makes me sad as this blog has been my outlet and my therapy, for so long. I promise to get back to it when I can, but for now, other things have to take priority. I used to do all of my writing really late at night, but it seems that I cannot get enough sleep lately. That means, come 9:00 p.m., I am sound asleep with Poppy. Until that 3:30 a.m. witching hour comes about, then I am up, but I am usually playing catch up on emails or foundation things that I HAVE to get done. This leaves not much time for blog writing. I promise to try to be a little better as I do miss this and all of you, very much.

My grief has also been being ignored, which is not good. How is it that I am too busy, to be still with my grief? I’ll tell you how.

A book

A new baby

A foundation

Having two 10 year olds who are in 3 different sports/homework/projects that are never-ending

Trying to be a wife

Running a house

Trying to keep up with friendships and maintaining them. Being a friend while being a bereaved parent is REALLY hard work. Luckily, the friends I have, who have stayed around, are seriously the best. They are not even friends anymore, as I consider them family

Having a brother who I’m in a constant state of worry about

Trying to get back into a good exercise routine as bye bye baby weight is in full effect around here because my skinny jeans are just sitting there, taunting me in my closet. I know, I know, priorities and this one seems pretty stupid, but it goes back to my childhood and dad who was always calling my mom not very nice names. I obviously have deeply rooted issues thanks to this.

That leaves pretty much 0 time to spend with myself and with my grief. I tried to get up to Sedona this weekend, to see Dr. Jo, but it just didn’t work out. So, what’s a girl to do because I know what happens when I ignore my grief. I turn into a complete basket case who likes to take too much Ambien. Wait, before you freak out, that was the old, really broken and shattered me. Not the new mom to a baby, I know I cannot do that anymore and I would never, ever even take one, let alone 5. I am going to make a game plan this week with Dr. Jo about how I can get back to just being still with everything, even if that just means I do it while I am hiking with Poppy. If that’s the only time I get to be still, it’s better than nothing.

One more thing. Thanks to the Phoenix Coyotes, we now have some money to be more consistent about doing the Candy Cart at PCH. We have decided to start doing it once a month, which I am super excited about. If any of you have any non candy goodies, you would like to send my way, that would be awesome. We also bring things for the kids who cannot eat so they do not feel left out. Things like toys, books, coloring books, stickers, crayons… you get the idea. Everything must be new and not used. Please send to the P.O. Box where all of the foundation things get delivered. The address is below.

The Ronan Thompson Foundation

P.O. Box 44935

Phoenix, Arizona

85064-4935

Thank you all so much for bearing with me during this quiet time and respecting that I am trying to do my best, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

It’s almost 9:00 which means I’m done for the day. Time to curl up with this Poppy girl.

G’nite Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo