Ronan. We went on our first kind of real vacation without you, since you died. A real vacation meaning a vacation that we had talked about going on while you were alive, but never did so. A vacation that I grew up going on during my summer breaks from school. The one that I always dreamed of taking my 3 boys on, when they were old enough. We always put it off because “Ronan is too young and I’m scared that he won’t listen to me and will die by jumping off the side of the yacht. We can take him when he’s 4 or 5, but not now.” Not now sucks balls and I should have, would have could have because guess what?! I got to have you die not from having the time of your life by jumping off the side of our boat but from cancer instead. Lucky me, lucky you. This will always be one of my biggest regrets in life, the not taking you on this trip because you were too wild and crazy. We would have had the best wild and crazy time together, Ronan and I will always be sorry about this.
So, to the San Juan Islands in Washington we went. With your Nana, Papa Jim, my step-sister, her husband, their daughter, your daddy, brothers and Poppy girl. Your Papa Jim has been so excited for this vacation and has been talking about taking you all on it for years. It was definitely one of his dreams to do so during his life. Before he gets too old and can no longer navigate and drive the boat. We just spent the most beautiful week all together in the open seas, going from harbor to harbor. We made our way all around the islands and even up to Canada. The weather cooperated perfectly for me as most of the days were cool and a little dark and rainy. It was almost the perfect vacation. You were the only thing missing from the perfection of it all. Your brothers had a blast doing all the nature/ocean things that we don’t really get to do living in Arizona. We caught our own crabs for dinners, played in the fresh, cool air, Quinn drove the little dingy about in the ocean and laughed as he went faster and faster with your Papa Jim right by his side. There were card games, stories galore, catching and releasing sea creatures, beautiful family time. It was a vacation that you would have went crazy for. I tried to handle it all as gracefully as I could and I didn’t even feel the urge to throw myself off of the boat and into the choppy ocean seas. Poppy was a dream and barely made a peep except when she decided to grace us all with her coos and smiles. This vacation meant so much to all of us, but most of all to your Papa Jim and I’m so glad we got to do this with him. There are not too many 70-year-old Papas that can drive a huge boat through the middle of the islands and not blink an eye. It is something I know your brothers will remember forever and that means so much to me. Our vacation is over but we will spent the rest of the summer at your Nana and Papa’s house while your daddy goes back and forth between here and Arizona. Our first real trip without you is over and I am sad, but only because it was a trip that we never got to take you on. That just goes to show, you should never put things off because you never know how short one’s life really will be. . I’ll never be able to take you on a trip that you should have went on and the only reason I got through that trip was because of your sister. Because every time I got sad I just looked down at her and told myself that a part of you was there, with us. I didn’t really let your Poppy sister out of my sight and there is a good reason behind all of that. I don’t think I could have done that trip, without her much like I don’t think I would be able to do this life if it weren’t for her. She has brought back little pieces of you everywhere.
Tomorrow, Macy is flying in to spend some time with us while your Daddy leaves. Everyone, including your Nana and Papa are excited about that. My friend, Robyn, Ezra’s mom, is coming down to stay for a day as well as she is visiting her family up in the Seattle area. I’m so lucky to have the kind of parent’s who are so happy to welcome all of my friends into their lives and their house, like they are part of our family. They never act inconvenienced or put out and they always welcome my friends with open arms. I am so lucky in that regard. I know I will do the same for my boys and your sister when the time comes. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do. Especially that Macy of yours that will drop everything at the drop of a hat to swoop in and come to Washington just because I ask her to. I’m sure your Poppy sister had a little something to do with that as Macy can’t take going too long without seeing her. It will be so wonderful to have her here.
Ronan. I started this a few nights ago. I’m sorry I haven’t written. Macy is here and has been for a few days. It is because of this that I know for the time being, I will be o.k. She makes everything better. Tomorrow, we are meeting Paxton’s mama who flew in to spent the year anniversary of her baby boys death with me. I know I don’t know her, but I am going to try my hardest to help her through tomorrow. She took a chance on me and I am going to do my best even though most of the time, I have not a clue as to what I am doing. All I know is you would want me to help her. Isn’t that what I am left her for? To help others when I can? I’m sick about tomorrow and for what’s to come. I spoke to her tonight and told her I don’t know how, but we will get her through tomorrow. Please help us with this little man. Let Paxton’s mommy feel him all around us. We’ll need it so much to get her through the hell of a day that it’s going to be. I love you, Ronan.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are still the biggest asshole I know. I am so sad and mad and heartbroken for tomorrow, the day that took Paxton away from his family. A sweet, innocent baby. Nobody can ever justify or make sense of ANY OF THIS. Ever.