Ronan. I am so proud of your brothers and your daddy. Last night they had the final game for their basketball league, the one your daddy has been coaching. The one your daddy has poured his heart and soul into. The entire team got to play their final game in the Phoenix Suns arena and they were all so excited. Your daddy was a little nervous for them, but was trying his hardest not to show it. We all drove down to the game together and gave your brothers a good little pep talk but at the end of it, your daddy said, “Just make sure you have fun.” For as serious as your daddy takes their basketball, he never wants this lesson to get lost. That’s what makes him such a special coach. Mandy Bee and her boys came to watch and so did Liam’s teacher and your brothers first grade teacher, Mrs. Martin. It was so sweet and special of them to come. We all sat and cheered as we watched this amazing group of 9 year olds, rip it up on the court. We sat and cheered, screamed, laughed, and maybe got a little teary eyed when they won. THEY FREAKING WON the entire thing! It was such a beautiful thing to be a part of and to see the smiles on all the boys’ faces was absolutely priceless. Only one thing was missing. The same thing that is always missing from our beautiful moments and that was you. On our drive to the team pizza party, we were all talking about the game and your daddy was telling your brothers how great everyone did, as a team, and how he couldn’t be prouder. He then talked all about how proud he knows you are and at the end he goes, “Strong just like Ro.” We then all said out loud, “Love you, Ronan.” Even through you are not physically here with us, we make sure you are with us all the time. We never forget it, Ronan. You give us all so much strength with everything we do.
I remember what things were like for me right after you died. Your brothers were playing on a baseball team and it was the end of their season. I remember trying to go to the team party and what that felt like for me. I remember trying to sit with the other parents while my body felt like it was on fire and my mind was screaming that I was insane. I remember the panic attacks, the hysteria, the feeling like everything was out of control and how I felt so very lost. Last night, I sat among the other parents while I held your Poppy sister and I felt nothing but flutters of happiness. I felt so lucky to be among this amazing group of families and kids. I felt happy watching your brothers run about and hearing them laugh. But one thing never changes with all of this. I always look for you everywhere I go. It’s as if I still expect you to come running around the corner with your brothers. All my pain is still here, but it’s just not as sharp as it used to be. I am still trying to figure out how to get through this life, without you but things seem a little easier to navigate now. Things are as alright as they can possibly be and I guess that’s a good thing.
Alright, baby doll I’m keeping this short and sweet today. I just mostly wanted to check in and tell you I love you. Also, today is our Phoebe’s birthday. Our sweet Phoebe’s birthday and she is spending it in the hospital getting ready for her Bone Marrow Transplant. I don’t have to tell you how wrong this all is because you know first hand. Please keep an eye on her and keep her strong and brave. My heart is broken for her, but I know you will be taking extra special care of her. Thank you, Ronan. We all miss you so much.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
For those of you who want to stay updated on Phoebe, here is her website. Thank you for doing so.