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Ronan. Today, I got a phone call from your brothers’ school in the middle of the day. A phone call like that is never good. I picked up and listened as the school nurse informed me that Liam got hurt at recess and I needed to come and pick him up because he needed stitches. She was a little panicky which led me to hauling ass to the school as quickly as possible. Once I was there, I checked out the damage done and it didn’t seem too bad. She cleaned out his elbow and he actually did have a pretty deep football war wound. She told me she was pretty sure he was going to need stitches. I put Liam in the car and calmed him down. He was pretty freaked out about the stitches part, but was trying to act so brave as he hid his tears. I told him stitches may not be necessary and told him if they were, the doctors have some great numbing medicine that they would put on it so he wouldn’t feel a thing. I called our doctor’s office and I was informed that they wouldn’t do stitches on the elbow, so we should head down to PCH. Down to PCH we went for our little adventure of the day.
We got a room pretty quickly and the nurse in charge came in to check out Liam’s elbow. He started asking all sorts of questions like how did this happen, are you in pain, etc… All the basic questions that are necessary. I stayed out of the question answering part of this as I am aware that your brothers are big enough to speak for themselves but being the mother hen that I am, I always want to swoop in and answer for them anyway. I let Liam do the talking. After all the formal questions were out-of-the-way, next came the fun ones. “How old are you? What grade are you in? What’s your favorite football team?” Liam answered them all without skipping a beat. The next question came. “Do you have any sisters or brothers?” Oh god, I thought to myself. How is he going to answer this? “Yes. I have 2 brothers and a baby sister on the way.” I let out a sigh of relief. The next question came. “How old are your brothers?” Liam answered, “My twin brother is 9 like me and my little brother is 4.” I looked up at Liam as I wasn’t expecting him to answer like that. So nonchalantly, as if this were absolutely true and we were just another normal family where you didn’t die from cancer. “Wow! 3 big brothers! Your little sister is one lucky girl!” said the nurse with a big grin on his face. Liam then goes, “I know, ” as he shot me a big grin from across the room. I had been watching his face this entire time and gave him a big smile and a wink. He winked right back at me. Winking was something you used to do to me all the time. I remember how you mastered it while we were in New York and you were so proud to show it off whenever you could. This winking moment with Liam totally made my day. It reminded me so much of you. You were the best little winker. I swear we have been smiling ever since. I don’t know if this is right or wrong. All I know is it felt like a really beautiful moment that I wasn’t going to let pass me by. Today, I did not feel like swooping in and explaining our real truth while my voice quivered and tears ran down my cheeks. Today, I felt like smiling right back at your sweet brother and going along with our perfect little happy family story that at one time, was really ours.
Liam ended up not needing stitches. They were able to clean it out, gauze it up, and bandaged it up really well. It looks like a really good war wound. He was most concerned that he was going to have to sit out at his first baseball game that night. I told him we would see how he was feeling, but it might be a good idea to rest his arm. That’s what ended up happening. Your brothers had their first baseball game last night. I went and sat and watched. Our dear Kassie came with me. Your brothers were so excited that she was coming to watch. It was a great game and they ended up winning. I always find myself missing you during these times so much. I know your brothers do, too.
I had a Poppy check up yesterday. Everything looks good with her or according to Dr. Schwartz, “She looks perfect!” I said I knew, that all of my kids always looked perfect. It’s the after part does my new baby have cancer I’m worried about. We talked a bit about newborn screening. We talked a bit about the date which I would prefer for Poppy to make her entrance into the world. She knows how nervous I am and has been so good with me about doing whatever it is I need done to calm me down. She asked me if I would ever do this again… the have another baby part. I told her I didn’t think so, that mentally it has been really hard for me. Let’s just get Poppy here safe and sound. I can hardly wrap my brain around any of this, let alone thinking about another baby. Yikes. That seems like a lot. Dr. Schwartz told me she is measuring a week ahead of schedule in her height, but not in her weight which is a good thing. I’m sure she is going to be so tall and have those long legs of your daddy’s. We are slowly getting things ready around here. All of this still doesn’t really feel real to me. I know it’s going to take her actually having her here, for me to fully grasp all of this.
Alright little man. I need to run. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.