Promises made, promises broken


Ronan. Yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. One of my favorite holidays. We didn’t do much. Your brothers had baseball and basketball practice and we kind of just went along like it was just another day. Holidays are still weird for us and celebrating feels funny to me. I make sure to always stay off of things like Facebook during many of the holidays. Seeing everyone normal and happy still stings for me. Not that I would want it any other way for others, but it just makes me sad that things are not this way for us anymore. We all wore green. We went out and had a family dinner where we laughed a lot at the things your silly brothers said. There were some heavy talks too, mostly in the car ride to where we were going.

It was Quinn who was inquiring about things, like always. I know Liam wonders these things, too but I think he keeps his questions more to himself. We started talking about Poppy  a bit about what will happen when she is born. Quinn’s next question was, “Didn’t Dr. Jo’s baby die when she had her? Can’t that happen to Poppy?” Questions like this always make my stomach drop and my heart sad. Your big brothers should not have to know things like this at 9 years old. Your big brothers should not have to worry about things like this at 9 years old. I know that they do due to everything we went through and the world we live in now which is a world full of other kids with cancer and often times babies and kids die. As much as I try to shelter them from this world, it will forever be a part of them and shape them into the boys they are becoming. As far as I can tell, it hasn’t harmed them at all. They only seem to be becoming wiser, sweeter, and more compassionate human beings. If that were even possible as I swear to you they have been this way since the day they were born. I explained to Quinn what happened to Dr. Jo happened a long time ago. I did not tell him it still happens all the time in this day in age. Your daddy went on and on about Dr. Schwartz and how amazing she is and how she won’t let anything happen to me or Poppy. My mind quickly went to, I remember when we had a similar conversation with Quinn at 7 years old. “Is Ronan going to die?” he asked with his big beautiful eyes. “No way, Quinn. We have the best doctors taking care of Ronan. We are not going to let anything happen to him. We promise you, buddy.” Promises that we couldn’t keep, promises that were broken, but promises we fully believed in at the time. Your daddy really did swoop in and save the day by turning the conversation into fully being about what a great doctor  Dr. Schwartz is and what it is, that makes her such a great doctor. Both of your brothers seemed intrigued listening to what your daddy had to say. I exhaled a little and let myself get lost in his story, too.

I also got to see Teddy’s mom on Sunday. She flew into Phoenix to see Dr. Jo. She came over and we went out and had a very somber yet sweet lunch. Our entire conversation revolved around you and Teddy. About the choices we made with your treatments, about how we are still in utter shock and disbelief that our sweet boys, fucking died. Clarence was making the drive up to Sedona for a few days to have some time with Dr. Jo. I am so glad for that. I’ve been nudging her to come and see Dr. Jo for a while. She texted me today to tell me thank you because Dr. Jo is absolutely amazing. I just responded with, “I know. She’s unlike anyone on this earth.” I am so glad Clarence is here and taking some time for herself to talk about all of this. I am so glad Dr. Jo is the one helping her. After Clarence left Quinn came up to me. This next part makes me want to cry. I sometimes cannot believe I am having a conversation with a 9-year-old. “Mom. Is Teddy’s mom alright?”

I just looked at him and gave him a little smile and said, “I think so, baby. I think she is just a little sad.” He goes, “Teddy just died, right? I hope she is alright. Teddy always seemed so happy whenever I was around him.” (mind you Quinn met Teddy once but all he remembers is how happy Teddy was.) I told him that she will probably always be a little sad, the way we all are when we are missing you. How we will never stop missing you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy, too. He looked at me and goes, “Are you o.k., mom?” Somehow I kept myself together and wrapped my arms around him and told him that I was o.k.  and thanked him for asking. Liam was sitting in this room listening to this conversation as well. I know he hears everything but he seems to let Quinn do most of the asking the questions. It’s like they have this secret pact. Liam wonders, Quinn asks, then they both know. It really is very sweet and special the little twin bond thing they have going on. I don’t know what they would do without one another.

Today your Aunties, Stacy and Fernanda came over with mission Poppy on their minds. They made me show them everything I have for your sister. We went over everything I don’t have, but need. We sat in your room for a long time. I sat on your bed, Stacy sat on the opposite bed, and Fernanda was sprawled out on your floor. I pushed back my tears a lot as we talked about you, your sister, your bedroom and I listened to Fernanda as she told me how far along I have come. She told me she knows it’s hard for me to see because I am the one walking this walk, but to them on the outside looking in, I have come such a long way. I can agree with her in a way but I also know that I don’t really have any other options. I won’t give up on you, therefore, I won’t give up on myself or this life that I am here trying to live the best I can. I know I could have chosen to self destruct. I know I could have ruined our entire family because I was so blinded by my endless amount of pain but that little voice in my head always went back to if you do x, y, and z, you will let Ronan down and you cannot let Ronan down. I always think about all the lessons you taught me in your short little life and I refuse to just throw them all away. I am here to use those lessons and do as much as I can with them. I will not waste your little gifts on my sadness that often weighs me down but somehow I always seem to find a way, to push it off of me and continue on. You were such a little fighter, how could I possibly not be as well? I promise I will always fight for you, my sweet boy.

Alright baby doll. This is all I can write tonight. Please continue to keep Poppy safe. We are all so excited to meet her. I miss you. I  love you. I hope you are safe.


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A Phoebe Update