“Why? Because I’m scared.”

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Ronan. It’s official. For as much as I don’t want to slow down, I have to slow down. My body is screaming at me with everything it has to just stop. I have never been more bloody exhausted in my life. Your sister is so heavy that even just walking around trying to do normal things leaves me breathless and feeling like I want to fall over. Not cool. This is not how I roll. I am glad I crammed in every last thing I could before this hit me such as my little New York trip, foundation things, appointment things, etc… There is no way I could have gone to New York now. I can hardly get out of bed to tackle our laundry situation over here or keep up with the cooking/taking care of your brothers. All my body wants to do is rest/sleep. Otherwise known as my personal hell.

I spent the weekend taking it easy. I’ve had a bad cold to go along with this pregnancy that has wiped me out even more. I know this is just another way my body is telling me enough is enough. Your Papa Jim has been in town since Friday. He’s been sleeping in your room which you know always brings me comfort. Just the thought of knowing somebody is in your little room, brings me a sense of peace. I love it even more when I catch your brothers playing in there, with all of your Star Wars toys. They are still young enough to enjoy them every once in a while. I spent all day Saturday at my happy place, otherwise known as your brothers basketball games. They had games starting at 8 a.m. back to back to back. I felt like crap but there was no way I was going to miss their games. One of my favorite things in life now is watching those two play basketball. You would be so proud of them and how well they are doing, Ronan. Your two brothers constantly leave me amazed. They are such good sweet souls, even after all of this. I am so lucky to have them.

One of the things I did with Dr. Jo on Friday was go over our timeline that we sat together and wrote out about a year ago. It started from your diagnoses and ended the morning you died. You know I don’t have much of a memory of anything and one of the things I really struggle with is regret. She asked me to change anything I wanted to in regards to things I would have done differently with you and your treatment. Of course I changed things. A lot of things. I would actually like to change almost everything because what if by changing one little thing, your outcome would have been different? We will never know this. Your daddy still swears to me that your disease was so aggressive that it wouldn’t have mattered. It matters to me and I don’t know that I will ever be able to forgive myself, Ronan. I don’t care if at the end of the day, you would have died no matter what we did. I will forever hold on to you were my child and I should have been able to protect you and save you from anything and everything. Even stupid fucking cancer.

The first thing I told Dr. Jo I would change was I wouldn’t have had you die at all. Obviously. If only it were that easy, right? We then moved on and went over the doctors, hospitals, treatments and ended all things at the Ryan House. I sat there and sobbed while talking about this and told her I wish I would have never taken you there. Looking back now, I understand it was what we needed to do, to get your pain under control because feeding you morphine every hour on the hour was just not cutting it. But that little voice in my head will always go to the very painful place of at the end of the day, after everything you went through, you just wanted to be at home, in your house and I should have listened to you and not everyone else. It’s the least I could have done as your mama. I know a big part of not having you die at home was to protect Liam and Quinn, but I really don’t think having you here, would have hurt them as much as we thought it would have. They were with us when you died, it just happened to be at some strange place that it all happened. They will always have that memory of you there and I don’t think having you away, out of our house, will make that memory any better for them. How could anything possibly make the memory of their little brother, the most precious thing on earth to them dying, any better? I told Dr. Jo how I vaguely remember hospice meeting us at the airport after we had returned back from Philadelphia when we were told there was nothing else that could be done for you. How I had a stranger riding in our car with us and I remember being so angry because I felt like I had no control over anything and now there was a stranger riding in my car with us whom I had never even seen let alone talked to in my life. I remember hospice coming to our house and I told your daddy to get them out. End of story. I didn’t care who they were or why they were here, all I knew was that nobody really explained anything to me at all but I was just expected to understand everything that was happening. I told Dr. Jo I wish it had been her with me at this time. Because I know Dr. Jo. I know she knows better than anyone how to handle this very delicate situation. She would have done things in such a way that I would have been open to her. She would have had the decency to gently first of all, ASK me if it would be alright for her to be with us, to help us with anything that we might need or not understand. She would have ASKED to meet you and not just pretended like you were a baby who was already dead. She would have cried with me and understood my pain in only a way that a mother whom has also lost a child, can do so. Her expertise on all of this would not just come from a book or a class she took. It comes from so much more than that and I know I would have been able to feel all of that. I wished it would have been her, sitting with me, helping me, explaining to me everything that was happening/ going to happen. I wish it would have been her that would have told me I could have spent as much time with you as I wanted to after you died. That there was no rush to have your little body placed in a bag and wheeled away, never to be seen again. I wish it would have been her to have sat and wept with me, held me and helped me find my way back out into this bright, bright world in her oh so gentle way. It certainly would not have been her saying, “See you later, have a great summer,” never to really be checked on again. I wish I would have found Dr. Jo before you died. It did not happen this way, Ronan and because of this, I know one thing for sure. Dr. Jo could not be with me for your death but she will be with me for the birth of your baby sister. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve talked to your daddy about it. Our conversation was brief and simple. I was laying in bed, crying I think.

Me: “Woody. I need to ask you something.”

Him: “What?”

Me: “I want Jo in the room with us when Poppy is born.”

Him: “Why? You are always so calm and you always do great.”

Me: (trying not to get frustrated because I don’t think your daddy understands the depth of this for me, having another child after having a dead child and how mentally hard this is) “I have always done great when I didn’t have a dead child. This is completely different now.”

And then I just said it, plain as can be.

“Because I’m scared.”

Him: “O.k. whatever you want.”

Me: “Thank you.”

I called Dr. Jo today. I asked her. She started crying on the phone. She said she would be honored. I told her thank you. That I don’t know if I can do this without her. She went on and on about how if I change my mind at any point, she will totally understand. I said I knew that. As of now, this is my plan. Did I also mention that Dr. Jo is a doula? Kick ass, Dr. Jo. I see this as a win/win. Not only is she here to help me with death, but also with life. She has been my lifeline through all of this, Ronan. I only wish there were 500 more of her to go around to help all the parents out there, dealing with the loss of a child. Nobody gets this the way she does. She has such a gift that is beyond this world.

It takes a lot for me to feel scared in this world anymore. I am scared for the birth of your sister. The range of emotions I am feeling come with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness and happiness and I know I need her to help me through this. I know when I need to ask for help and I need help with this from both you and her. I know with the two of you things will be a little less scary. In my heart of hearts, I know you are going to make sure Poppy gets here safe and sound. I will always trust in you and the way you are guiding me. I think you want Dr. Jo in the room with me just as much as I do. She should have known you, but since she didn’t she will know about you through the eyes of your brothers, the tears in my eyes, and the birth of your baby sister. Such a beautiful gift she is going to be, Ronan. Thank you for her.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.

xoxo

 

Pediatric palliative care research study. Please read if you are interested/know anybody who is interested.

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My Dr. JoRo is conducting a study. Please see the information below. Thanks!

 

 

We are inviting those aged 18 or older to participate in a research study intended to explore the experiences of those who utilized pediatric palliative care for their child before and during his or her death. The purpose of this study is to determine the individual, familial, and societal effects of this experience and to improve standards of palliative care for families of dying children. Another purpose is to gather information about which attitudes and actions parents found helpful to them, and which ones they found unhelpful or harmful. Our goal is to improve a model of compassionate caregiving and intervention that fosters resiliency at every level. Our team consists of an experienced researcher (Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, FT), a doctoral student (Kara Thieleman, MSW), and a master’s level social work student (Angela Lieber) from Arizona State University. If you decide to participate, one of these three individuals will arrange an interview with you. Interviews will be recorded and transcribed. Interviews may last between an hour to two hours. Your participation in this study is voluntary and your identity will remain anonymous. If you choose not to participate or to withdraw from the study at any time, there will be no penalty or loss of benefit. Participants will be provided with a list of bereavement resources and we will gladly provide you a copy of the final paper upon completion.

Please contact Dr. Joanne Cacciatore-  jcaccia@me.com – if you are interested in being interviewed for this study.

Yesterday, I ended Valentine’s Day just as I should have. By barfing all over myself in the car.

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Ronan. I am a high functioning sad person. At least that is what I told my agent, Nena today when she texted me to ask how I was doing. She responded with, “High functioning sad… Boom! Keep writing!” That made me laugh. I also love that my agent checked in on me and she knows with me she is never going to get the easy answer which is, “I’m doing fine! How are you?” She knows with me I will always bluntly tell her how I really am doing. Today, I am sad but as I said before I am a high functioning person who is sad. I am not a sad person who stays in bed all day. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but for me, if I stay in bed, I die. I know this. I am a sad person who makes a choice not to stay in bed and die. I choose to wear my lip gloss and go on about my day, the best I can. Even if that means I only make it to the grocery store and Target to take care of the things we need around the house. To me, even those days are victories.

Today was indeed a day of accomplishments. I’ve slowly started to get some things ready for Poppy. I have had a hard time, preparing for Poppy at all. I don’t have a nursery done. I don’t even have a room for her. I put the kabash on all of that for fear of jinxing myself. I was thinking that I was crazy, but come to find out, this is the way a lot of my jewish friends do things too! Many of them don’t allow anything in the house until after the arrival of the baby. So I’m not crazy at all! I’ve just decided to take the jewish route on all of this. My friend, Sarah Y asked this of me in the very beginning of my pregnancy. For me, it makes sense and I was happy to follow her advice. Having everything ready for Poppy before she gets here hasn’t sat well with me at all. Call it being superstitious, but I think at this point in my life I’m just listening to what feels right. As I said earlier, I’ve slowly started to get some basic things ready. Today, I went to see my friend Katie and she helped me order Poppy’s infant seat and stroller. I’ve been stressing about this for weeks and it was nice to get it done today. For now, I just need to take care of the basics. Although the basics do not include the Poppy rain coat and purple leopard print Ugg baby boots that Rachel and I found in NYC last week… but seriously, who could pass those up? I don’t even care that we live in Arizona and the rain coat won’t even fit her until she is one. I might have squealed out loud when we found both of those things;) Best dressed Poppy girl for sure;)

After I got the stroller taken care of, I went to meet my friend, Melissa for a quick coffee so we could catch up. She had sent me a text this morning after reading my blog and it simply said, “Here for you.” I know she is always here for me. She has been from the first time I met her right when you were diagnosed. Her text meant the world to me though. Truly. She is always there for me without judgment, but careful advice instead. That is a very fine line to walk, but she always does it so gracefully with me. I am so very blessed to call her my friend. We caught up with a quick coffee and then I ran to meet Fernanda and Stacy for lunch. See, I told you I am a high functioning sad person! Look at all the people I saw today that I know a year ago I would have hidden from! The 3 of us caught up on some foundation things, life things, Poppy things, hot doctor things;);) etc…. Fernanda had her hand on my Poppy belly for most of our lunch. Your sister is already so feisty! I swear she is kicking, moving, punching, and dancing inside of me all the time. There does not seem to be much quiet time with her at all. She must be trying to prepare me for what’s to come. You know I will love every second of whatever your baby sister throws my way. Just as we were wrapping up lunch, Stacy looked at me and asked if I was alright. You know the answer to that, Ronan. I sat with my friends, told them no, and cried at the restaurant table. It’s nothing new. Crying in restaurants is pretty much a given now. I parted ways with my dear friends, thankful for them as always. I am truly blessed in that aspect of my life.

I started this a few days ago. Too much has happened for me to remember which is why I hate taking a break from writing. I don’t want to take breaks from my writing, but lately I am just so tired it’s all I can do just get through my day. This last trimester of being pregnant has me wiped out and that’s an understatement. I spent yesterday, Thursday, or some may have called it Valentine’s Day, doing some things for you. I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I’m pretty sure I went off about it on here last year, but as of now, I just don’t have the energy to do so. I renamed yesterday, “Happy Cupcake Day!” due to your love of cupcakes. I took some down to the clinic at PCH, just like we used to do on this “holiday,” when you were here. I saw some of your favorite peeps and caught up with them for a bit. Mostly your Sharon who I always love to visit and I miss so much. She was always so good to you. I left the clinic and went to spend some time with our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I made sure to bring two cupcakes from you of course and we sat and ate them together. Not before I took my cupcake, smashed it into his, and said, “Cheers to Ronan!” We sat for a while and caught up while your Poppy sister was going crazy in my belly the entire time. We sat and laughed about that and I made him feel her moving all about. I am obsessed with feeling your Poppy sister. I also love it when everyone around me touches my belly as well. I welcome it with open arms as it makes me smile. I talked to him about some other things that have been bothering me in my head. My over analytical mind. He called me eccentric and told me that I am not crazy like I often refer to myself. I ended our day with my usual, “Where do you think Ronan is question?” that I’ve probably asked him 50 times before. It’s mostly always the same answer. I just like to hear him tell me over and over again, because it gives me a little peace of mind. At the end of his answer he always tells me you are still around me, you are smiling and saying, “Look at my amazing mom and all the good she is doing in this world.” He promises me I will see you again. I believe him.

I picked up your brothers early from school. Spent some time with them and took them to basketball practice. On my drive home, I literally threw up all over myself in the car. Seemed like a pretty fitting way to end Valentine’s Day a.k.a. stupidest day ever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t need one day a year to have shoved down my throat of why I love the people in my life so much so and why I should show them my love by buying commercialized crap. I am thankful for the people I love, every single day. Even on the days that I hurt so much. Your daddy is the same way, Ronan. I am told every single day how much he loves me and he does not need to go out and buy me some fancy jewelry to prove his love for me. At the end of the day, fancy jewelry will not save your sick child. At the end of the day, fancy jewelry is not fucking important. And if your daddy would have come home with flowers, he would have been punched. He knows this. You know what he got me, Ronan? A beautiful picture of you and he let me sleep alone in my bed for the night because that is what I asked him to do, due to me being sick with an awful cold/not wanting to get him sick. He would have done this on any day, not just because it was Valentine’s Day. In my head, your daddy brings me flowers every single day of the week. That is a true man right there.

Now it’s today. Today where I had an ultra sound. Today where I got to see your Poppy sister with her massive amounts of hair, full Ronan lips, fat cheeks, long legs, head down, getting ready for her arrival into this world and all I could think about is what I have been obsessing about for weeks now. How am I going to do this, without Ronan here? I can’t stop thinking about the picture I have in my head of watching Liam and Quinn walk into the room to see your Poppy sister and you are not there with them. I left my ultrasound and popped over to see Dr. JoRo where we sat and looked at her pictures and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for pretty much the entire hour and a half that I was there. I sobbed and talked. She listened, asked questions, make me do some mental work, and I listened to her as she rubbed my feet. (best therapist ever! no drugs, just feet rubs;) We sat while she rubbed my belly, left her hands there for a good 5 minutes while your Poppy sister moved all about. I watched the tears run down Dr. Jo’s cheeks as she felt your sister. She said she didn’t think she had felt a baby move about since she had her own baby boy about 17 years ago. That made the special Poppy time with her even more amazing. We talked about a birth plan and what that will look like for me. We talked about in which ways I will bring you with me. So much to do. So much to think about that my head is spinning. I am so thankful for her love, support, and guidance. I’m home now. Still crying up a storm. Exhausted from the day/head-cold/being pregnant/lack of sleep.

This is all I can write for now. More on my Dr. JoRo stuff to come. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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American Cancer Society you make me want to VOMIT. So does your CEO and his 16 million dollar retirement package.

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http://healthimpactnews.com/2011/american-cancer-society-the-worlds-wealthiest-nonprofit-institution-is-losing-the-war-on-cancer/

I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad.

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Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.

New York was a good trip. A productive trip. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I felt a connection with her that I often don’t feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I know what part of our connection is. She has a Ronan. Plain and simple. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I don’t share with just anyone. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. She talked about my natural talent as I writer. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just don’t have the natural ability that I have. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. It’s one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and it’s what I will do for the rest of my life. “You are a writer, plain and simple. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life.” Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. She’s a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingness to be so open and honest with me. She has given me a lot to think about. I love people like that. The one’s in life that make you think about things from every different angle and don’t want you just to take the easy way out.
With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. We walked all over the city. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Sorry if that was TMI, but if you’ve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Deliza’s, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I was so glad I didn’t have to sit there alone. I ate your favorite pizza and soup. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didn’t. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. As in really hard. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. I feel like I am back there again. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I’ve noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Everything seems to be suffocating me. I’m sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should be clearly be me. I am angry and sad in a way that I haven’t been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. It’s not the same as having you here.
I sat today and tried to be productive. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying. I just miss him so much.”
  I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, “You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that you’re not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. You aren’t sleeping at all. You have a baby on the way. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. I don’t know why you continue to do things like this. The going to New York thing all alone. It’s too much, especially at this point in your life.”
Me: “But I always do these things alone. That’s how I like it.”
Him: “I know you insist on doing all these things alone, but it’s not the way it should be. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Slow down. You’re doing too much.”
I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I wanted to say I don’t know how to stop. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. But I just promised him I would try instead.
We sat for a while longer and caught up. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, “Hey, please just give me a smile. Even if you don’t mean it or don’t feel like it. Come on, just try for me.”
Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, “It’s going to be alright, it’s going to be alright.”
I don’t know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. All I know is this is the way it is.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.
xoxo

There’s also this…

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Thank you to whomever nominated me for this. Best lovely little blog readers, ever. You can vote once a day. Are you all sick of voting for things for me yet?! I’m sorry! It makes me feel bad, but it’s amazing all the great things that have come from it! You all are powerhouses!

https://www.facebook.com/parentsmagazine/app_124605674371692?ref=ts

I’m not dead, I’m just in New York.

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Turmoil. A state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty.

Ronan. I’ve decided that I live in a constant stream of turmoil. I have known this for a while. I am trying my best to learn to live with this as there is no outrunning it or getting rid of it. It’s not going away anytime soon. It will always be a part of my life, so I’d better learn to just accept it.

I’m in New York. I’ve been here for a few days. I took the Red-Eye out late Monday night. I can tell you I was honestly sad to leave your daddy and brothers. I hate that because of this new life, our family often has to be apart. It wouldn’t be this way, if you were still here. All I ever wanted in this life was our family, healthy, and together. I’m still pissed off that some fuckwad decided that was not o.k. The Red-Eye was a little miserable. I normally love it, but try being almost 8 months pregnant and getting comfortable on a flight while trying to get some shut-eye. Poppy was not happy. I kept thinking I was going to squish her, sitting down for that many hours and not really being able to stretch out. Of course I kept picturing the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and the cause of her death being the Red-Eye to New York. Insanity often fills my mind and as always, I don’t fight it, I just talk my way through it. I arrived to New York with Poppy still alive and going crazy in my stomach. She seems to always be moving about. I was beyond exhausted and fell asleep as soon as I arrived in the city and my head hit the pillow. Thankfully, I didn’t have any meetings scheduled for Tuesday so I just rested the entire day. I met up with our little, Rachel for a quick dinner and we went to Bloomingdale’s to eat your favorite Fr-Yo, but that was my extent of going out.

The rest of my time here has been full of meetings. Lots of good meetings, interesting meetings, emotional meetings. For the most part, I’ve held it together quite well. I was a little emotional today during a meeting I had at one of the publishing houses. Somedays I can talk about you until I am blue in the face without breaking down. Today was not one of those days. It wasn’t too bad. It’s not like I threw my head down on the table and sobbed into my arms like I often do. Today just proved to me that I felt comfortable enough with the people in the room to let my guard down a little bit. I think it was actually a very beautiful thing. I love when I see in other people’s eyes the way they believe in you, in us, in our never-ending, crazy, intense love story. I saw that today and it is always such a powerful force to be reckoned with. I am always thankful for it.

After my last meeting, I popped over to Solving Kids’ Cancer to see my two favorites, Scott Kennedy and Catherine London. My two sidekicks in all of this because they get this in a way that most people do not. In a way that I wish they did not, but they do and now they will forever be a part of my soul and my life in this fucked up journey. I see myself when I look at them and it is always heartbreaking, but they are also two of the most beautiful people I’ve ever come across in my life. Our visit was short, but I was just glad I was able to see them at all. Even though my time here has been packed, seeing them is always a must.

This is all for my little update. I know it’s short, but I just mostly wanted to check in with you all to tell you I’m alright. I’ve been getting quite a few emails with people worrying about me because I haven’t posted in a while. You all are the sweetest. I am o.k. Just busy and I always try my hardest to unplug a little while in New York. It’s my own little time out to breathe for a bit. Thanks for checking on me, worrying about me, and loving me. You crazy peeps, you;) You all make me smile.

I love you, Ronan. I have a lot to think about. I am trying my best to really take my time with any decisions that will be made in regards to this book. I just want to make you proud. Sweet dreams, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo