I’m not dead, I’m just in New York.

Turmoil. A state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty.

Ronan. I’ve decided that I live in a constant stream of turmoil. I have known this for a while. I am trying my best to learn to live with this as there is no outrunning it or getting rid of it. It’s not going away anytime soon. It will always be a part of my life, so I’d better learn to just accept it.

I’m in New York. I’ve been here for a few days. I took the Red-Eye out late Monday night. I can tell you I was honestly sad to leave your daddy and brothers. I hate that because of this new life, our family often has to be apart. It wouldn’t be this way, if you were still here. All I ever wanted in this life was our family, healthy, and together. I’m still pissed off that some fuckwad decided that was not o.k. The Red-Eye was a little miserable. I normally love it, but try being almost 8 months pregnant and getting comfortable on a flight while trying to get some shut-eye. Poppy was not happy. I kept thinking I was going to squish her, sitting down for that many hours and not really being able to stretch out. Of course I kept picturing the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and the cause of her death being the Red-Eye to New York. Insanity often fills my mind and as always, I don’t fight it, I just talk my way through it. I arrived to New York with Poppy still alive and going crazy in my stomach. She seems to always be moving about. I was beyond exhausted and fell asleep as soon as I arrived in the city and my head hit the pillow. Thankfully, I didn’t have any meetings scheduled for Tuesday so I just rested the entire day. I met up with our little, Rachel for a quick dinner and we went to Bloomingdale’s to eat your favorite Fr-Yo, but that was my extent of going out.

The rest of my time here has been full of meetings. Lots of good meetings, interesting meetings, emotional meetings. For the most part, I’ve held it together quite well. I was a little emotional today during a meeting I had at one of the publishing houses. Somedays I can talk about you until I am blue in the face without breaking down. Today was not one of those days. It wasn’t too bad. It’s not like I threw my head down on the table and sobbed into my arms like I often do. Today just proved to me that I felt comfortable enough with the people in the room to let my guard down a little bit. I think it was actually a very beautiful thing. I love when I see in other people’s eyes the way they believe in you, in us, in our never-ending, crazy, intense love story. I saw that today and it is always such a powerful force to be reckoned with. I am always thankful for it.

After my last meeting, I popped over to Solving Kids’ Cancer to see my two favorites, Scott Kennedy and Catherine London. My two sidekicks in all of this because they get this in a way that most people do not. In a way that I wish they did not, but they do and now they will forever be a part of my soul and my life in this fucked up journey. I see myself when I look at them and it is always heartbreaking, but they are also two of the most beautiful people I’ve ever come across in my life. Our visit was short, but I was just glad I was able to see them at all. Even though my time here has been packed, seeing them is always a must.

This is all for my little update. I know it’s short, but I just mostly wanted to check in with you all to tell you I’m alright. I’ve been getting quite a few emails with people worrying about me because I haven’t posted in a while. You all are the sweetest. I am o.k. Just busy and I always try my hardest to unplug a little while in New York. It’s my own little time out to breathe for a bit. Thanks for checking on me, worrying about me, and loving me. You crazy peeps, you;) You all make me smile.

I love you, Ronan. I have a lot to think about. I am trying my best to really take my time with any decisions that will be made in regards to this book. I just want to make you proud. Sweet dreams, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo