20 months is not a kissing day

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Ronan. Today I woke up knowing it was the 9th. 20 months without you. I hate today so much. Your daddy woke up in the best mood ever. I know this is not true, but in my psychotic mind, it was. He was singing in the shower, Ronan. Singing?!?! Can you believe that one? I was beyond grumpy, hormonal and upset so of course I snapped at your daddy, “Can you please stop singing?! This is not a happy day!” He then made me feel like the biggest jackass ever by saying something really nice like he was just trying to wake himself up and he knows that today is an awful day. He tried to grab me for a kiss before work but I refused to give him one. I told him that today was not a kissing day. Remember the way you used to tell me that? In your grumpy little voice. “It’s not a kissing day, mama!” I always loved all my days with you, kissing or not, so very much.

I had a phone call this morning. I’ve had a lot of phone calls this week with different publishing houses. My agent, Nina, has done an amazing job of getting my proposal into the very best hands. Harper Collins! Random House! Simon & Shuster! St. Martin’s Press! Or as my Fairy Ro Mo said to me, “Nice little Indie Publishing Houses they are. Not! Wow!” I laughed out loud at her when I got that text message. I did not know if I was going to be able to pull it together for this phone call this morning as I was on the verge of tears. Luckily, it could not have went better. I think I cried at the beginning, listening to the woman on the other end of the phone tell me how sorry she was about you, but how moved she was with our story. I loved that she really seemed to get it and connect to you in a way that felt so right. She could not have been more complimentary which is always nice. I did what I always do in these phone calls which is let you guide me while I speak from the heart. I felt really good about it when it ended.

I didn’t have anything super crazy or dangerous to do today, on the 9th fuckwad of a fucking day so I did my best just to get through it. I miss my danger days where I used to take the 9th and do something totally dangerous and fun. Last year at this time, I was jumping out of an airplane. I mainly did it thinking I was going to die and I didn’t care. Once I hit the ground, I realized I didn’t really want to die, but instead I wanted to live my life to the fullest and forever do things that you will never get to do. Skydiving included. That was kind of my wake up call in life. I remember hitting the ground and thinking to myself, “If I can jump out of an airplane, I can do ANYTHING.” I still think this is true. I am so thankful for that experience at that time which totally woke my ass up. And I would do it again in a heartbeat, but something tells me that being almost 7 months pregnant, and skydiving do not go hand in hand.

So for today on my “danger day,” I totally did some rad mom danger things. I had to rent a Mini-Van due to being in a little fender bender a few weeks ago. Totally not my fault by the way. Shout out to the VP of your foundation, Ro, for running into me! I have to LOL at that one. It was a very minor accident and he felt so bad. But I have had the BEST time giving him shit about it. And now I get to rock a very dangerous mini van for the next couple of weeks which will be so very awesome! I also went to buy some new pants today because mine are no longer fitting me. I tried them on in the store and they were such a perfect fit that I of course had to wear them out. I spent all morning walking around with the tags on my butt and back thigh. Everyone in all of Scottsdale/Phoenix is now aware that I am a size 30 in jeans. Holla! If you ask me, that was a very dangerous day indeed.

I am wrapping up this post tonight with a raging headache and a wave of exhaustion hitting me that I have not felt in a while. I think the holidays, traveling, Teddy, you, grief, pregnancy, and going, going, going, non-stop is catching up with me. I might need an early bedtime tonight.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Here is some info from my Little, Rachel in NYC. Thanks, Little. Love you.

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Here you can see what the NCI funded, they spent a total of 23 million on neuroblastoma research. Their 5.07 BILLION dollar budget in 2012 went mostly to breast, prostate, lung, colon…
In millions. NIH funded $0 from 2008-2010. Then in 2011 they gave 25 million, 2012 26 million and are projected to do 25 million for neuroblastoma research in 2013
Government CUT funding to Children’s Oncology Group, the largest children’s oncology group in North America which supports the clinical and biological research at over 200 participating institutions and treats about 90% of the children with cancer. COG received less than half of its requested budget from the federal government this year. UNACCEPTABLE.
3. AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY: In 2010 directed $0.01 (a penny) to childhood cancer research for every dollar of public support.   (Total expenses: $951,123,000 and total directed at childhood cancer research: $11,900,000. Source:ACS)
4. LEUKEMIA & LYMPHOMA SOCIETY: directed $0.02 to childhood cancer research for every dollar of public support. (Total public support: $287,625,000 and total directed at childhood cancer research: almost $6,000,000. Source LLS)
If GOVERNMENT looked at cancers based on YEARS LOST as opposed to amount of people diagnosed…
Person-years of life lost (PYLL)—the years of life lost because of early death from a particular cause or disease. PYLL caused by cancer helps to describe the extent to which life is cut short by cancer. 
The average age of diagnosis for childhood cancer is 6.  Therefore, each death after five-years (age 11) from childhood cancer represents a loss of 61 years of productive life (72-11=61).   The average age at diagnosis for breast cancer is 61 and each death after five years represents a loss of 6 years of life (72-66=6).
  1. Breast cancer, with 275,000 total life years lost, receives $599.5 million, or $2,172 per year life lost.
  1. Childhood cancers, with 205,008 total life years lost, receives $192.8 million, or $940 per year life lost