I meant to get a manicure, but I wound up in the hospital instead.

tumblr_m9i6yn6qKe1qkvjujo1_500Ronan. The past few days, have been really, really bad. Not only for me mentally, but physically as well. I think I’ve been overdoing some things. I think I’m in a really bad grieving period and I’m not sure quite what to do. I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. All I want for Christmas is you and I can’t come to peace with that I don’t get to have you here with us. I am notorious for throwing up since losing you. It has been happening off and on since you left this earth. I had really bad morning sickness with Poppy that I thought I had gotten through, but it might not be the morning sickness that is making me still so very sick. I started throwing up on Monday night and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for days. I know what the flu feels like, and this is not the flu. I think it’s just grief/exhaustion/ pregnancy. My insomnia is making me a mad woman as well. The combo of throwing up and not sleeping caught up with me and Dr. Schwartz made me check myself into the hospital where I was pumped full of IV fluids, monitored, and then they gave me a shot in the ass that hurt like a mother fucker. I was dehydrated. With a severe case of I really, really, really just miss you. I am home now but I wish I wasn’t. I’m going crazy in our house, not having you here. All of my pain seems to so sharp again, just when I thought it was becoming a little duller. It’s not. Everything hurts to the core, worse than normal.

I made it through much of the week, trying to be as productive as possible. Nobody really knew anything was wrong except your daddy because he has watched me become the spawn of the devil. Throwing up, up and down all night long, crying all through the night, pulling away because it’s what I do best when I am in so much pain. I can still put on a good game face when I have to though. Like when I went to an event on Tuesday at PCH. One where the room was full of some of my favorite people that treated you. I was feeling miserable, but I know when to turn on my acting skills. I saw one of my favorite doctors there, Dr. Adams. I haven’t seen her since before you passed away. I went up to her. I don’t know if she recognized me right away. I touched her arm. “Dr. Adams. It’s Maya, Ronan’s mom.” I watched her eyes well up with tears. She grabbed me and just held on to me for a minute. “Oh my gosh, dear. How are you? I told her I was o.k. I told her about your Poppy sister. She said she was so glad to see me. The press conference started on so we had to be quiet. I stood next to her for it. She had to sneak out in the middle of it but before she left she grabbed on to me once again, embraced me in her arms and whispered in my ear. “This baby girl is not going to replace Ronan. Nothing ever will. Ever. Not even close. I know you know that. But I think she will help your broken heart just a bit. Please take care of yourself. It was so nice to see you.” I told her thank you and somehow managed not to become a puddle on the floor. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. I know she is so sad that you didn’t get better. So many people are. I was thankful for her kind words. It takes a special kind of person to really say what is in their heart. I think it is much easier for people just to say things like, “Congratulations!” about the new baby, and harder for them to really truly understand that this is not going to fix everything. That behind this baby, is still a lot of sadness and pain. I know this baby is an absolute gift. But I also know it is not the answer for the big gaping hole that is in my heart. She will never replace you. She will be a part of you. I will find some comfort in that.

It wasn’t until yesterday, that I really knew I was in breakdown mode. I know the not sleeping thing, is making everything worse. All I could do yesterday was cry and throw up. Cry and throw up. I cried at the post office. I cried picking up your brothers jerseys for their YMCA basketball game. I cried when that Coldplay song, “Fix You,” came on the radio. I walked around numbly for most of the day. I went into some stupid pretty store, full of stupid pretty things. I was waiting for the store to make me feel happy and fulfilled like I’m sure it would have, in my previous life, right? Because I’m sure I was the asshole back then, who thought shit like that mattered in life. I walked through this store, which looked like a NYC home store boutique on crack. Pretty stupid expensive Christmas stuff everywhere. I just wanted to be the normal girl who went “Ohhhh and Ahhhh!” over everything. Instead, all I wanted to do was throw every breakable, delicate item on the ground and scream, “What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! This bullshit is not what matters in life! Don’t you know that Ronan died and Teddy is dying and all these kids need our help?!!!!” I left the store and drove aimlessly around crying so hard, I don’t know how I didn’t get into an accident. I ended up in a parking lot, and called Dr. Jo. We had a good little phone conversation and I ended up calming down. I was supposed to see her today, but then I ended up in the hospital. I am home now. I wish I wasn’t. I liked being in the hospital listening to all the beeps and sounds that I used to listen to, with you. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it was comforting.

Your daddy came home tonight to tell me that our dentist had died. The non-smoker dentist who developed lung cancer out of the blue. Our young dad of a dentist that I used to take you to. How is that fucking possible? You are healthy. He takes care of your beautiful teeth. You get cancer. We stop going to him. He gets cancer. He is treated for it. You die. He dies. And you were both so fucking innocent. He didn’t smoke. You didn’t do a thing wrong in your life but you were both dealt the hand of a fucking death sentence. I hope the fuckwad that came up with the saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” reads this. Then they can go and fuck off. Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. There was no reason for your death or his. Now his wife is left here and his kids have to grow up without a dad. There is no reason at all for the endless pain and suffering on this planet, especially when it has to do with such innocent souls. Everything happens for a reason is another one of the stupidest sayings in life. Add it to my list of things only idiots say.

Our Teddy friend is not doing so well. That might be another reason I am so upset this week. This is killing my soul. I had the best day with him this summer, kissing the top of his little bald head and holding his hand as we crossed the street. The way he laughed and played with your brothers, reminded me so much of you. He has an 8-year-old brother who is not understanding any of this. I feel like I am reading our story, all over again. I need you to take care of him, Ronan. All his mama wants is for him to go peacefully now. Please don’t let him suffer. Please let him fall asleep, the way you did. Please everyone, keep Teddy boy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else  you do. If you want to follow his story, you can do so here. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m just so very sad for this family and this little boy. I’m going to go now my little spicy monkey. I need to try to get some rest so I don’t wind up back in the hospital. Your daddy is bringing me a smoothie home. I hope I can keep that down. So far, this anti nausea medicine seems to be helping. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. My ass, really, really hurts. Like really. That nurse stuck me today like I’ve never been stuck before! I think I even yelped.

The Death of a Domestic Goddess

tumblr_medw43k3Ar1qzdeblo1_500Ronan. I don’t sleep well. I know this is not healthy, not good for me or Poppy, but every single night this is how it goes. I fall asleep easily enough for a few hours. Then like clockwork, I am wide awake and cannot fall back asleep. How do you sleep peacefully when you have a dead child? Does anyone? Your daddy seems to. Maybe it’s because I’m your mama, that I don’t. Because my primal maternal instinct just takes over. I feel like a caged animal, searching for you. I wonder if this is how animals at a zoo feel that have been separated from their young. I’ll bet it is pretty similar.

Today, I did a lot of normal things that I don’t really enjoy anymore. Much of them consisted of being domestic. I have a hard time with that in this new life of mine. I did the whole Costco trip which I never do anymore because it give me so much anxiety. Today, I did it with a friend, so it wasn’t so bad. I came home, unloaded groceries, got dinner ready for tonight and finished up all the laundry that needed to be done. The laundry that I used to love to do, but now I loath, due to not getting to wash all of your clothes, too. I picked up your brothers from school. We came home, I made them a snack, we did their homework, etc… I was feeling pretty beat down/tired like I seem to be feeling a lot these days. Grief and pregnancy are not my cup of tea. I had a hard time being pregnant back in my life before knowing what it was like to have a dead child as well as being pregnant, too. Being pregnant with this Poppy girl just seems to make my pain for missing you, much more intense. I am officially a little over halfway in this pregnancy. I wish I could say I felt great, but I don’t. I feel miserable. Tonight, as I was taking a bath I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll survive being pregnant. I think I might die, from hurting so much.” I had a flash of death, like I often do. But then I thought of your brothers of course and that always seems to put me back on track. I know one thing, for sure. I cannot do this again. I cannot have another child, after this. It has all been too painful, and too much. I just need these next 4 months to fly by fast, please. I know I will be alright once Poppy is here, safe and sound. I cannot wait to have a little insomnia buddy to hang out with me;)

I think a lot of my problem is my mind is constantly wound up. I have such a huge to do list in front of me, that my mind is constantly thinking of things to do or that need to be done. The Neuroblastoma Center being at the top of it. Barb from NPR asked me if I thought this center was a reality. I told her without a doubt, it is. She asked me how I was going to get it done. My reply to her was, “I’m not exactly sure. All I know is I have someone very powerful behind me on this, that being Ronan, and I’m just going to follow his lead.” As long as I trust in you, I know this dream will become a reality. Do you know how much I believe in your foundation and what we are doing, Ronan? So much so, that when I was working through the details of where the money was going to go from the song Taylor wrote for you, I made the choice to have everything that came our way from iTunes, go to your foundation. I know I could have used it for our family, for your brothers’ college savings account or Poppy’s new room… but I didn’t. Because I believe that helping to save these kids’ lives, by giving them the best chance possible, is the most important thing in the world. Everything else can wait. These kids cannot and I will not stop trying to fix this world, until it gets drastically better. I know this center will do this. I know what needs to be done, to make these lives a little better for these kids so they don’t feel like they are just another number, the way we often did. I know this is going to take time. I am trying to be as patient as I can. I realize I am dealing with a lot, on top of trying to get this center figured out. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I am doing everything I am doing. But then I remember, I am living without you every single day. There is nothing harder than that.

We are going to see your Nana and Papa for Christmas. That cannot come soon enough. It has been unseasonably hot here and it’s starting to make me really hostile. I need a break from the sun. I need to get to Washington, where I feel like I can actually breathe for a change. I need the rain, the gloom, and the fresh air. I need the safe house I grew up in, with the best parents ever. I need to watch the way your brothers are so happy in the presence of your Nana and Papa and vise versa. I need the love that fills that house and where I feel the most loved. I am counting down the days, already. I know we all are.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow and not getting enough sleep is not going to help me to be productive. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

2 weeks is absurd. Guess I should have been checked into the looney bin, long ago.

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This is from my Dr. Jo. How absolutely cruel. What is wrong with these so called, “doctors?” I wonder if any of them, have ever lost a child. Medication is NOT the answer to any of this. There is no pill for grief.

 

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-death-of-sadness-birth-of-mental.html

Who is that little boy, standing next to you by the Christmas Tree? Oh, nobody. That’s just a mannequin, wearing my dead child’s costume.

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Ronan. Life is all about choices. I have to make choices every single day. For instance, it is a choice for me to get out of bed every single day and be a functioning member of society. That is a choice I didn’t used to have to make in my life, I was just so excited about the day and what was to come, that I would spring out of bed after mostly being woken up by you. Now getting out of bed every day is harder. But I make the choice to do it. For you, for myself, and for your brothers. I have to think about the way the things I do in my life and what they will do to your brothers as well.  I know having a mom who doesn’t get out of bed, would only hurt them. I’m trying my best not to cause them any extra pain. I am trying, but sometimes I get so tired of all of this. It takes a lot of energy to make these choices that do not come effortlessly to me anymore.

Saturday came. I was o.k. with it because we had a very specific plan for the day. I had to finish up an interview with NPR so a girl named Jude came by our house with the last of her questions. Your daddy did a little interview as well. I think it will be a really good piece and I cannot wait to hear it when it is all finished up. Jude came to PCH with us to get some background noise while we decorated our tree. So it was me, your daddy, Liam, Quinn, Fernanda, Stacy and Melissa who spent a couple of hours, getting your Star Wars Captain Rex tree up and decorated. The entire tree is blue, silver and white. Just like the colors that Captain Rex wore. A lot of the time, I can be really strong doing things like this. Or maybe I’m just still numb. Looking back, I don’t know how I did what I did, with your daddy and brothers there with me. The decorating the tree wasn’t bad. The being in the hospital wasn’t bad. I handled it all pretty well, like I always seem to do. I handled it all well, including when Liam went over to your Captain Rex mannequin and picked him up for a picture. I about lost my shit, but I couldn’t. All Liam wanted was a picture with the little guy. He had no clue that Captain Rex was actually wearing the costume you wore on Halloween. So as he put his arm around Captain Rex, then picked him up while saying, “CHEESE!” I had no choice but to snap the picture. I think I almost threw up. I looked back at Fernanda who had seen the whole thing. She looked as pale as I felt. OMG. OMG. OMG. That did not just happen. This is not my reality even though I know very well that it is. We all got out there soon after that. Your tree looks wonderful. So perfect. So very much you. We took a picture in front of it. The very perfect family holiday card picture, right Ro? Looking back at it now, it breaks my heart. Captain Rex looks like an actual little boy standing next to us. He looks about your size. Have we all gone mad? Who in their right minds, takes a picture like this and holds their shit together? We do, Ronan. To honor you. To bring some smiles to other kids’ faces. Because this is one choice we don’t get to make, we just have to do. For all of us. Because if we don’t do things like this, then we all crumble up and just fall apart like I know I want to do, every second of the day. But the fighter in me just won’t give into the weakness of that. I’ve got too much shit to do in this world.

We had some very good friends come into town for the night. My best friend from Jr. High. Her high school sweetheart and now husband and my good friend, too. I set them up when we were about 15. Some of the best people I know. Woody and I love spending time with them as a couple. Laura and I used to always say you and their daughter Cameron, were going to get married someday as you are so close in age. How naive we were, I guess. They came with their kids in tow. As always, it was so good to be with them. We left the kids for the night and headed out to the Bret Michaels concert. Everyone was so excited, including myself but always in the back of my mind is the reason I get to do things like this and it all revolves around because of losing you. This now means that anything beautiful comes my way still stings in a way, too. I am always very aware of our situation and the reason our life is the way it is now. The situations I find myself in, such as a great night out, with great friends, at a great concert, always come with a heavy price tag. One that I wish I never knew but this is our life now so I try to take these little gifts and grow from them as much as possible. In my life before all of this, I am pretty sure I would have been the life of the party. Laughing with friends. Being wild and free. Not having a care in the world. Now I find myself a little more reserved and quiet. I know I will never be the life of the party again. I would just rather sit back and watch the way others get to play that role now. It’s not mine to play anymore. Our night was lovely and your daddy got to blow off the steam that I know he very much has been needing to do. I found comfort in being with my oldest friends. The friends that knew me before your daddy, before kids, during kids, and after the death of you. We got to spend a little time with Bret before the concert. I had the chance to tell him thank you for all he has done and is continuing to do in this world. He has a great heart and I was so glad to finally be able to tell him thank you in person. The concert was amazing. I had to sit down throughout much of it, due to my feet hurting and just being wiped out. I felt your Poppy kicking a lot. I let myself find some solace in that.

Our friends left today. But not before I went to your room to check on Laura and her kids. They were packing up and I could tell Laura was upset. Her little one’s had been playing with your toys all day. I told her it was alright, that somebody needed to play with them. She just grabbed me and we both cried for a bit. She told me how wrong this all is and how she doesn’t know I do this. I don’t know either. I never will know the answer to that other than the obvious one which involves because if I don’t, I will die. I know that is my ultimate truth.

I need to go now, baby. Quinn is sleeping due to a headache he has had today so I am going to snuggle up to him. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo