Ronan. My eyes are tired from spending most of the day crying. I know, I know, I know. I’m extra sad/hormonal/outta whack these past couple of weeks. I told you grief and pregnancy don’t go hand in hand. Throw the holidays on top of everything and it’s obvious I don’t stand a chance. I’m not fighting my tears, sadness, or pain. I’m not going to run away from it or try to hide it. I’m going to deal with it the best way I know how to by just giving into it. I also know the holidays are extra hard for me which is why I seem more out of sorts than normal. Your Sparky knows this too. I met up with him today for a while so I could spend some time with him before I leave for the holidays. I made sure to wear my reading glasses to try to hide my very red, puffy, eyes. It didn’t work. He noticed. I can’t get anything past that man.
We talked about a lot of things just as we always do. It felt nice to just sit and be with my dear friend. He always puts me at such ease with his words of wisdom and those sparkly eyes. He is doing a good job of looking after me which is the reason he came into our life in such an impactful way. I know this. We talked about Poppy and how he can’t wait to look after her for me. He said he knows she will be beautiful. I smiled and told him I knew it, too. He said he couldn’t wait to be her Godfather. She is going to be the luckiest little girl ever with him as her Godfather and your Fairy RoMo, as her Godmother. This baby girl is already so very loved. Your Sparkly told me a bunch of things today. How he feels like you are always with him. He made me make him a promise.
“When I die, I want you to take some of Ronan’s ashes and put them with me, o.k.?”
I felt the corners of my eyes get all wet. I looked away from him because it’s a conversation that I hate to have. The thought of him not being here someday, crushes my soul.
“It’s going to happen, someday. I’ll take some of Ro with me. Promise me that.”
“How in the world am I going to get Ronan’s ashes placed with your dead body?” I asked with that perplexed look on my face that I seem to always have because that man always gives me so much to think about.
“Please. I’ve seen all you can do. That will be a piece of cake. Promise me.” he demanded in the most gentle way possible.
“Of course I promise you. Anything for you. You know that.” I said while looking straight into his eyes.
I never break my promises to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It’s one of the reasons I’m still among the living, because he made me promise I would stay here and not die from this pain, by the fate of my own hands.
I’m finally getting a break from that blinding sun that was going to make me crack. We are at your Nana’s for Christmas and there is no place I would rather be in the world. If I have to be somewhere and do this whole Christmas thing, for the sake of your brothers, this is the only place I want to be. Your brothers feel the same way, this is their favorite place in the world. Only is it here that I feel a weight lifted off of all of us. I feel like I can breathe and take a break from my never ending pain. You are everywhere here. You are the comfort in your sweet Nana’s eyes, the laugher of your brothers, and the voice of your Papa Jim who talks endlessly about you. Your nana has your stocking up and her entire Christmas tree is decorated in purple, your favorite color. She was also sure to buy some new Star Wars ornaments this year to put on her tree for you.
It is dark, wet, cold, and rainy. My favorite kind of weather. The kind of weather where I can take a break from my tears, and let the sky do it for me. Your daddy and I went out yesterday and spent the day together while your brothers happily stayed with their best friend, your Papa Jim. It felt nice to be out of the house and running around with your daddy in the rain. I only had one little meltdown, where I something I saw that reminded me so much of you, that the tears started and I just let them roll down my cheeks. Your daddy asked what was wrong. It took me a few minutes to tell him because I was to the point that I was going to cry so hard that I couldn’t talk. I quietly told him what it was that I was so upset about. He just did what he did best and tried to calm me down as best he could. I let it work. I didn’t want to ruin our day with my temper tantrum of, “He should still be here.” We finished up our day together and returned home to your brothers who were still happy as clams to be in the care of your Papa and Nana.
Christmas came and went. I can say I survived. I allowed myself a little time in the morning to cry about not getting to come downstairs and see your beautiful little face, lighting up the entire house. I was hiding under the covers and your daddy came into the room.
“Come on, babe. Everyone is downstairs and waiting.” He said as he gently rubbed my shoulder.
I just continued to lay in the bed and quietly cry. “Where is Ronan?” are the only words I could say.
Your daddy said he wished you were there with us, too. How wrong it was that you were not. I didn’t have a choice. I had to get up and do my best for your brothers. I was not about to ruin their Christmas with my sloppy tears. Gifts were opened. Giggles were heard, but your absence was so very present as it is with everything that we do. I sat back and let your daddy and brothers spoil me like they love to do. They showered me with gifts for this Poppy baby. A new GiGi, to match yours except hers is Pink. I let the “No pink, ever!” rule fly out the window yesterday. Everyone knows pink is not my favorite color, but I can give in every now and again. They got her some little outfits as well since I have not really bought a thing for her. It was very sweet of them to do. Your Sparkly called and did his usual, “I’m not going to tell you Merry Christmas because I know you will tell me not to, so just get through the day…” I appreciated that so much. Get through the day is just what I did. Your brothers seemed happy and that is really all that matters. They opened the gifts that your Nana had for you. Some new Star Wars guys. You would have loved them. I wanted to crumble up and die but I did not. Your Papa Jim had to cover his face in his sweatshirt at the sight of them opening your little gifts. I did my best to look away as he silently cried for a bit. I knew I was going to be next so I pretended to be enamored in Poppy’s gifts. I was not. I felt pretty numb most of the day. I did notice the little hummingbird that flew right up to Nana’s window though, in the middle of a rain storm, with no hummingbird feeder in sight. My little sign of the day from you, I guess. It still doesn’t make this pain, any less.
This is all I can write for now. Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will be. At the end of the day, it is all about survival for me and hiding this pain as best as I can from those sweet brothers of yours. I am so thankful for the help from your daddy, Nana, and Papa Jim. I know there is no way I could have survived this Christmas back in Arizona, in our house, without you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so sorry you can not be with us. It will forever be so very wrong.