I Hate 18 months Without You. And Cancer is an Asshole.

Ronan. Most days, I honestly don’t know how I am surviving without you. I’ll just be doing normal things like walking through a store and suddenly I’ll have a flashback of you dying. Then I’ll think to myself, “How can you be walking through this store, when Ronan is dead? You have a dead child. You shouldn’t be here. You should be dead, too.” I still wish for death, but I guess it is less often than I used to. I am able to think a little more clearly about why me dying, would not be a good thing for anybody, including myself. I see the bit growing I have done. I look back at a year from now and I know I was in a really bad place. I guess as of today, my place of existence is a little less dark and I see this due to the process that is being made and all the things I am doing. I let this bring me back from the ledge when I feel like jumping. I have to sit back and be mindful of every single thought I have as I know my impulsive ways could easily get the best of me. Everything I do is so carefully thought out now. It has to be, otherwise I risk too much in this life. I still have a lot to lose, even though some days it feels as though I have lost everything.

I had to film a video yesterday. I felt like I was doing a public service notice and in a way, I guess I kind of was. I sat around Fernanda’s table with Stacy, Melissa, and Fernanda, to get this done. It was hard but looking at the 3 of them gave me the strength to do what I had to do. That and my little talk with you. I started off my video with saying, “I am the mother of a child who was murdered by childhood cancer.” That is our truth. You were murdered and maybe if I start putting this in a sentence that really hits people, they will listen. Fernanda talks about what we went through, the same way I do. I should have put her on video to tell the story with all of her mexican spunk and passion which I love so much. “We watched as Ronan was murdered before our very eyes and there was nothing we could do. It’s like all these kids are being put into a war zone and snipers are shooting their heads off one by one. If that were the case, the President would be called. He would put a stop to this! The world would be in an uproar. It is the same thing happening with childhood cancer, only nobody is calling in the troops! I do not understand this! Where is all the help?!” I listened to my friend, so thankful but not thankful that she understands this almost as well as I do. I wish she didn’t. But I am so glad she is still here fighting with us. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.
This problem has gone on so much longer than before you, Ronan. What will it take to change this? I can feel things slowly changing, I think. But slowly is not a good thing when every single day, kids lives are at stake. I am doing the best I can, but it feels like it is not enough. Nothing will ever be good enough. There are too many Ronan’s, Ezra’s, Ava’s, Hazen’s, Penelope’s, Ben’s, Charlotte’s, etc, etc, etc….. in the world. Too many kids that should have been saved, but sadly were not. I know I can’t bring them back, but every single child that has died from childhood cancer deserves to have this mother fucker taken down to china town. We all owe this to our kids. Even the one’s who are still here.
Today, I woke up not feeling well. Liam was not feeling well either, but I took him to school and told him to see if he could tough it out. I had a “meeting,” to go to which really just consisted of some foundation things to get done but it was important so I really wanted to go. I sat and hashed some things out. I am so sure of what it is I am doing in regards to you, your life, your death, and how we will honor you, as your parents. Nothing is clearer to me. I’ve never been one to second guess myself, Ro. Especially when it comes to you. I am not about to start. It seems as if I’ve done alright, so far. Look at everything that has happened due to me listening to myself and following my heart and your lead. I did not get her by being a fool or having an agenda. My only agenda is you. I know what it is, you want me to do. Helping this cause is the only thing I want to do in life. Gone are the days of wanting to be a therapist or even just a stay at home mom. Gone are the days when I thought I had a choice in regards to what my life would look like. I would have never wished to be here, doing what I am doing now. But this was not my choice. I have been picked to fight a war and fight is what I will do. For the rest of my life. For you.
Tomorrow, it will be a year and a half without you. I cannot even believe this. I had a little meltdown today. Stacy called while I was laying on my bed, sobbing. If she would have called me 4 months ago during this, I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. Today, my friend called and I picked up. I didn’t hide the fact that I was breaking down. I sat and cried to her. She talked and listened. She told me she how badly she wishes she could bring you back. I told her that I knew that. How everybody wishes that for me. For all of us. We talked for a little while longer. I told her I was going to see Dr. JoRo later and she thought that was a really good idea. I desperately needed it today. Especially today. I drove to Dr. JoRo’s office. It started raining on my way there. Of course it did. I sat in Jo’s office and told her I could not believe it had almost been 2 months since I have had a session with her. That is much too long for me to go, without talking to her. We talked a lot about Poppy and my fears. How I am not feeling attached yet because it is my way of protecting myself in case something happens and Poppy dies. I told you Ronan that I wish my mind didn’t work this way but it does now and I’m not going to deny this. I am not afraid to talk about all of my fear and doubts. Dr. Jo told me this was totally normal after going through something so traumatic. We talked a lot about how I am dealing with everything. She told me the only thing she worries about is how hard I am on myself with everything I do, think, and feel. How she knows I am still punishing myself which is why it’s so hard for me to take the time to do things that are nice for myself or feel good. She says she knows I am going to love your little Poppy so much and has no doubt I will be the best mama to her. Deep down I know this, too. I talked to her about how I haven’t been preparing for this baby in any way. How I tried the other day to go and maybe pick out some sweet little baby clothes for her but all the baby girl clothes made me mad and I wanted to punch out all the Pink baby shit everywhere. How I got so upset because I just wanted to be picking out clothes for you. I should be buying clothes for both you and Poppy, not one over the other. I had to leave the store and didn’t end up buying a thing. I told her that I want nothing to do with decorating Poppy’s nursery. Maybe that will change in the next few months but I have no interest in preparing for anything yet. This of course comes with a lot of guilt. As if I need anymore guilt in my life. I live with the guilt of not being able to save you, every single day. It was good to see Dr. Jo today. As always, she is such a voice of reason and I trust her with everything. I am so lucky you brought her to me. Thanks, baby doll.
I’m going to go now, little one. The day has been long and I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. Tomorrow will be here soon. Maybe you will make it rain. I will try to do something nice for you.  Or maybe for myself. Always someone else. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
xoxo